The Marriage Pact (Viral Series)

by Mara White

  “Me?” The woman nodded. “But where’s my dad?”

  “I don’t know. Would you like to call him?” Jackie thought about saying yes, but then remembered her father’s way of coping when her mother passed and shook her head. When she saw Ryan, she thought she was hallucinating.

  “Ryan!” she screamed. She rushed into his arms. She ran swiftly, like the long jump, impacted his chest so hard, it knocked the wind out of her lungs. He wrapped his arms around her.

  “Breathe, Jackie, breathe.”

  She clung to him as if she were falling. She couldn’t feel the floor beneath her. She couldn’t feel anything except darkness.

  Chapter 12

  Ryan

  Ryan got the call in the middle of the night. When the phone rang, he sat up straight in bed. A middle of the night call usually brought a smile to his face. Jackie, who else? This one caused panic to rush through his system.

  He’d been dreaming, for some reason, about the bus accident that killed Carlos and Andres’ birth parents. He’d seen the bus roar down the curving embankment. Watched the brakes engage and fail. Seen it skid and keel over, gnashing metal, screams, a small explosion, rapid fire, acrid black smoke. A few running from the broken windows, others trapped inside with no hope. A slick sweat covered his body. Fear left an awful taste at the back of his throat.

  His stomach sank when he saw it was Deanna, not Jackie.

  “Hello, hello?” he asked into the phone. It was one of those moments where he wanted to turn off time like a running tap, stop the news from rushing forward, a moment where all he needed was to travel backward and relive the good times before the news came at him like a tsunami and changed his life forever. He knew the news wasn’t good before Deanna spoke.

  She was dead. She’d gone too far with whatever mischief she was up to. She wasn’t careful enough, hadn’t watched her back, like he had told her to so many times. He felt it in his chest, a heavy settling weight, much like that of a sinking ship. Anything in proximity would get sucked down with it. He wanted to shut his ears and not hear her words, but it was too late, time was barreling forward.

  “Ryan?” he could tell Deanna was sobbing. There was a panic and desperation in her voice that made her sound like a different person. “Ryan?”

  “I’m here,” he said. Ryan closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be here. Anywhere, back in the terrible dream, anywhere but here.

  “Her sisters died, Ryan. In a car accident. Both of them. Angel and Mia. They were dead when they got there, when the paramedics arrived. Dead!” Deanna choked between sobs.

  Ryan knew how much those two girls meant to Jackie, how she took almost full responsibility for their well-being, ever since she’d lost her mother. She was a mother to them because her father wasn’t strong enough. A dark blanket of doubt fell over him. He didn’t need to know the details, whether or not they were drinking, if it was their fault, if they ran off the road or crashed into another vehicle. He only wanted to know if Jackie could make it through this. He knew what her mother’s death had done to her, knew how it made her close up shop with her heart. She’d barred it in with broken boards and rusty railroad nails, barbed wire and broken glass. She kept her true feelings at bay and only allowed in the superficial because it was all she could handle. She associated love with pain. She protected herself from it happening again. Except with her younger sisters, because Jackie realized that in order for them to thrive, she would have to give in. She rounded up all the love she could muster and poured it into them. She helped raise them and guide and loved them with her whole heart. And they were gone, with a wrong turn or text, a bad brake or a regretful tequila shot.

  “Where is she?” Ryan could hear no emotion in his own voice, he’d turned to cold stone with only one object on his mind. Find Jackie, share her pain, heal her heart.

  “She left! She drove home to the hospital, to her dad. They died instantly, Ryan, both gone. Jackie scared me, she didn’t even cry or talk, just hung up the phone and left. Her dad called for her after she left. I told him she was on her way and he explained what happened. That’s how I know.”

  “Can you see if you can find her home address in her desk or on her laptop? Does she have her phone?”

  “No, she just walked out, in flip-flops, just took the keys off the hook and left. She said St. Mary’s Hospital but I don’t even know what town. I knew it was bad, whatever it was. I thought maybe her dad, I never thought it would be them. Both of them, Ryan! What do we do? I already called student services. Her Dean is going to call me back.”

  As he listened to her, Ryan pulled on his jeans, stretched a T-shirt over his head, threw toothbrush and not much else into his backpack. He texted his father as he rushed out the door and over to his truck. Snow was falling hard, crap conditions for driving. Maybe it was worse up north? Random and seemingly unrelated images ran through his head. The girl’s losing control of a car on a slippery stretch of snowy road, Jackie driving determined, recklessly through the storm in their direction, Ryan pursuing more than twenty long minutes behind her. A kiss in a pumpkin patch that made his heart soar like nothing he’d even known. The inappropriately dressed girl in a Starbucks line whispering curses at people’s orders. The sensation of waking up next to someone you love, a leg thrown about his waist, a slight snore in his ear, her hair like a bursting star covering his entire pillow. Sex that was transcendental, all firecrackers and shooting stars, a chemistry that caused an acute volatility—they loved and fought like rabid animals.

  Jackie was a scalding hot glass and Ryan was the cold water running into it. The glass explosion was expected, too much stress and the two of them cracked and blew apart.

  When Ryan pulled into the hospital parking lot, he was already chanting, don’t give up, don’t give up to Jackie in his head. He knew she wouldn’t give up on life, she was a natural born fighter, but his great fear was that Jackie would give up on love. And that was one thing Ryan refused to let happen to her.

  When she saw him, she rushed into his arms. She ran swiftly, impacted his chest so hard it nearly knocked the wind out of him. He wrapped his arms around her and merely uttered, “breathe.” She didn’t cry, yet she clung to him as if she were falling.

  The days that followed were some of the worst he’d ever endured. Jackie was beside herself he knew, but from an outside perspective, anyone would be hard-pressed to guess that she had any emotions at all. She was so withdrawn into shock, that Ryan felt like she’d left her body. He spent two nights with her at her father’s house. The early eighteenth century converted barn was falling apart, the roof leaked and shingles were falling off, the insulation was awful, there were holes in the hardwood floor shot through clear to the foundation. In fact, the house was an eerie reflection of its inhabitants. Ryan had never seen anyone silenced by grief like it had done to Jackie and her dad. There were some neighbors, a few people from the local church and one from the mortuary, who reached out, or came over in obligation. They got the cogs rolling on an operation that was otherwise at a standstill. Jackie could barely talk. He made her tea. He forced her to eat crackers, rubbed her feet, if she would let him.

  Every night he climbed into her twin bed, supplemented her threadbare afghan with his unzipped sleeping bag he’d thankfully stored in his trunk. He never kissed her and only whispered minimal words of comfort. He folded her small body into his and held her all night. She shook and trembled, and not from the cold. It was awful. They fell asleep every night to the creaks of her father pacing the old floors back and forth.

  When he finally returned to school, Jackie didn’t come. She claimed she needed time to tie up loose ends and would be back before he knew it. The extra time grew longer, until it eventually turned into a leave of absence. He tried to call her. She let everything go to voicemail including his and Deanna’s calls. Then she stopped paying the phone bill and he had no way to get ahold of her, other than through a letter or a drive out to her father’s farm. In that time, Ryan
learned a lot about Jackie, like the fact that she was at school on a scholarship. He’d known she was smart, but had no idea she was so gifted. That after her mother died she had been her family’s rock. Her father had few coping skills and that was part of the reason why she was so defensive when it came to her emotions and to trust.

  Ryan couldn’t let go, but life went on. It had to.

  He looked for her everywhere, searched for her face through the crowds, in the bleachers at a game, the line at Starbucks, or around the keg at house parties. He kept hoping one day she’d just pop up. Tell him she was back, ready to finish school, ready to come back into his life. Little by little it sank in that his daydreams were never becoming reality. Ryan wanted her back more than he wanted anything, but life had thrown a shitty curveball that none of them expected. He couldn’t even imagine how devastated he’d feel if he’d lost, not just one, but all of his siblings in the tragic manner that she had. There was no quick fix, no solution to the problem. They were gone. Jackie had to live her life with that loss and Ryan couldn’t make it better. He couldn’t save her. Only Jackie could save herself.

  Jackie, at school, had been a ball of fire, one that everyone crowded to get close to, Ryan included. She warmed you up, made you laugh, she was mesmerizing to watch. Watching her fire burn out was the saddest decline he’d ever witnessed. No matter how much he loved her and no matter how much he cared, Ryan wasn’t equipped to fix her, especially when he couldn’t reach her. He wished there was a way he could bear her pain, so that she didn’t have to, where he could love her enough so that she could let go and he would step in and care for her. But day after day, the divide grew larger. He waited for her return and when she didn’t return to school, Ryan felt like he’d failed her.

  Chapter 13

  Jackie

  Jackie couldn’t function. Ryan tried his best to comfort her. He tried so hard. But something had frayed, then snapped at the hospital that night. She didn’t know how to fix it. She felt different. Angry. Grief-stricken. Jaded. Nothing made her happy. Not even recounting memories of her sisters. Pops was a disaster. Worse than her. He wasn’t eating. Refused, actually. Said he had nothing worth living for. As if losing her mother and sisters weren’t bad enough, her father’s words cut deep. He walked the house at night, while she pretended to sleep. When Ryan went back to school Jackie broke. For the first time since it had all happened, she’d cried. Sobbed really. She’d been in the shower when it hit her that her sisters were dead. Dead and never coming home. When it hit her that her father wasn’t going to survive, unless she poured herself into his care. When it hit her that Ryan had left and she had nothing left to offer him. She’d slid down to the tub bottom and bawled like a child, while the scalding water berated her.

  “Pops, you gotta eat,” she moaned. Her father shook his head like a child and clamped his mouth shut. Jackie gave up. She’d try again at dinner. She threw the spoon in the sink and dumped the soup down the drain. “You know what? You suck. You suck so bad! I’m here. I’m here—alive. Eat for me.”

  She stormed from the kitchen and flew out the front door. When she was down the front steps, she started running. When she stopped, she heaved breaths. They made clouds as they puffed from her lips. She’d run almost clear to Kratch’s family farm. When she saw the barn in the distance, she broke down crying. It was the last good time she’d spent with her sisters. She couldn’t bear to look at that barn. In the snow, she laid on her back and stared at the gray sky. She stared at the sky until her racing thoughts stopped. At some point she stopped shivering and actually felt warm.

  “You trying to die, too?”

  Kratch. Jackie lifted her stiff head to see him.

  “C’mon. Get up. I’ll drive you home.”

  She dropped her head back into the snow. “Fuck home,” Jackie snapped.

  “Listen, firecracker, you don’t get to die on my property, so get your ass up and get in the truck.” He reached out a hand which Jackie took and helped her up. She was stiff and didn’t know how long she’d laid in the snow before he’d showed up.

  “Where’s your boyfriend?”

  Jackie frowned. “What boyfriend?”

  “The one’s been stayin’ with you.”

  “Ryan. Not my boyfriend. He’s back at school,” she said and climbed into the old truck. It was nothing like Ryan’s. No lift kit. No shine to it. It smelled like manure—not Ryan. She rolled her neck. Ryan was not hers to miss.

  “When you goin’ back?” Kratch asked.

  “Back where?”

  “To school,” he said.

  Jackie stared out the window.

  “I’m not.”

  She’d lied—kind of. She was walking from the administration building to her dorm. She was officially no longer a student. The campus was wintery white but the beauty did nothing to lift her mood. She trudged through the snow in a pair of her sister’s boots. She had her dad’s truck parked at her dorm. She hoped Deanna wasn’t in the room when she got there. It would be easier to get in and out. She had nothing to say anyway. She had nothing in common with anyone anymore. Jackie’s insides were black and crusty. The joyful feeling that used to reside inside her up and vanished.

  She climbed the stairs, pushed through the hall door and walked to her room. She waved as another floor mate said hi on their way out. Jackie stuck her ear to the door and listened. It was quiet. She breathed a sigh of relief as she stuck her key in the lock and entered. She flipped on the light and gasped. All of her stuff was boxed up and labeled. She only needed to carry the boxes down and she’d be done. She looked around the room, taking in the remnants of a life that seemed like decades ago. Her nose tingled as tears welled in her eyes. How had everything changed so quickly?

  “Jackie.” She closed her eyes against the sound of his voice. His arms slid around her, pulled her back to his chest. She inhaled his scent and wished her life were different. His lips kissed the top of her head. It was too much. She pulled away and turned to face him.

  “Ryan, stop.”

  “Stop? I want to help you. How do I help you?” he pled. His voice held a hint of anguish to it. Jackie swallowed hard.

  “You don’t. You can’t. I’m not some damsel that needs rescuing.”

  He took a step closer. “You are . . .” he looked up, searching for the right words, “everything. Please let me love you. Please.”

  Jackie’s tears fell freely. “Help me load these boxes up, would ya, Sport?” Ryan groaned, but acquiesced. She wiped her tears and carried boxes with him until the room was devoid of any of her belongings. It looked just as it had the day she’d moved in. Ryan tried to get her to talk but she had no words. There was comfort in silence for her.

  “When are you coming back?”

  “I dropped out,” she said.

  Ryan leaned against the truck. “No. Jackie, no.”

  “My dad refuses to eat most days. He doesn’t sleep. I have to take care of him. Take care of the farm. The house. How can I do that from here? Don’t you understand? There is no one else. There’s no other option for me.”

  “We’ll drive there every weekend. I’ll help you.”

  Jackie snorted. “Why? Why would you? I’m miserable. That house is miserable. My father’s miserable.”

  Ryan threw his hands in the air. “Because I love you. Because I’ve loved you for so long now that I don’t know how to be without you.”

  Jackie sucked in a breath and blinked back tears. “Don’t.”

  Ryan made a sour face. “Don’t? That’s what you have to say?”

  “Dammit, Ryan! Don’t love me. I can’t love you back right now. I don’t even love myself. I have no room for a relationship. I don’t know if I ever will. The only thing inside,” she beat on her chest, “is black. It’s empty. There is nothing in here anymore.”

  Ryan scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I want to help. I want to hold you, take away the blackness then. Why can’t you let me in?”

  “
Because I can’t. Not now and maybe never. I’m all messed up. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know if I’m even supposed to.”

  Ryan lunged, took her by the hands and got down on one knee- right there in the snow. “You will. I know you will. And I’ll wait. Make a deal with me.”

  Jackie looked into his expressive eyes and used her shoulder to wipe her cheek free of tears. “What kind of deal?”

  “What if I never find anyone else who makes me feel this way?”

  “What do you mean?”

  If we’re both single when you turn thirty, if we haven’t met anyone else, then we’ll marry each other.”

  Jackie laughed a soulless laugh. “A marriage pact? Really?”

  “I’m dead serious. There is no one else for me, Jacks. I struck gold when I met you and I’m willing to wait for you to get better, to move on or through this grief. I will do whatever it takes. If you won’t let me help you, at least make this promise to me.”

  Jackie sobbed. Openly. Ryan stood and wrapped her up in his arms. He held her without speaking until she pulled herself together. This was it. This was her out. She knew if she said yes, that by the time she turned twenty eight, he would have met someone and settled down. Saying yes was the only way she knew how to say no. Ryan had a life ahead of him. A happy life, full of love and family and kids. He deserved that. She needed that for him. She refused to keep him for herself. To drag him down with her.

  “Okay,” she mumbled into his chest.

  “What was that? A yes?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

  “I said, okay,” she repeated. Ryan smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He held her at arm’s length.

  He gave her a pointed look. “Don’t think I’m kidding.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t. Now, move. I need to get on the road.”