What He Explores (What He Wants, Book Twenty-One)

by Hannah Ford

  But somehow I couldn’t let go of her, couldn’t let go of the dream of her, I wanted to savor every little moment with Caeli.

  So maybe this would be a few days instead of just one night.

  Was that so bad?

  Wasn’t I entitled to a few days of happiness after everything I’d been through?

  No.

  The answer was simple and truthful.

  The world doesn’t owe you anything, soldier. You’ve seen children, innocent children, blown apart. You’ve seen grown men begging for their lives only to die screaming, their cries of anguish unheeded and forgotten.

  So no, you aren’t entitled to jack shit.

  The best you can do is spare this poor girl anymore wasted time in your company.

  I went into the supermarket and began shopping for some staples, things that I hoped might make the apartment feel more comfortable for her. I bought plenty of food, not knowing exactly what she liked.

  I got a range of stuff, from lunchmeat to veggies, salad fixings, yogurt, soup, bread, rice, some bacon and eggs and thin-sliced steaks.

  I bought shampoo, conditioner, the pink girlie stuff that seemed like it would make her feel at home. Lotions, nail polish, makeup, I bought enough food and toiletries to fill an entire cart.

  I paid in cash.

  The gig today had paid well and I still had money left over from my last fight.

  It seemed like word was starting to spread, because the last few weeks I was getting more calls and the money was going up. Apparently some of my fight films were being passed around online and people were hoping to see me live and in person more often.

  I didn’t care.

  Fighting just came easy to me.

  Hurting people came easy to me, and it kept me from thinking.

  Anything that kept me from thinking was good.

  I rolled my cart out to the parking lot and loaded the bags into the back of my truck, then got inside and drove towards the department store.

  Even as I parked in front of the store where I knew she was shopping, a little voice in my head was telling me to just go. Back out, leave and never think about her again.

  The urge to flee was powerful. But then I imagined her face and her eyes, those big eyes that seemed to need me of all people.

  I couldn’t leave, not yet.

  The leaving was inevitable but it could wait for now.

  I got out of the truck and walked to the entrance.

  When I got inside, I found her standing with just a few items of clothing, and it was obvious to me that she was uncomfortable taking my help. I looked down at the clothes she was holding.

  “That’s not enough, and don’t just get the shit that’s on sale, Caeli.”

  She pouted a little. “I can’t take your money. I’m not—“

  “You’re not what?”

  “I’m not like that,” she said, defiantly.

  My dick hardened. “I think you are like that.” My jaw tightened. “Now go back and get more clothes, and make sure to get some little panties and bras, stuff that barely covers you.”

  Her cheeks flushed and she swallowed. “I’m not doing any such thing. I’m getting these jeans and this t-shirt.”

  “Come with me,” I told her, grabbing her wrist in my hand and pulling her.

  “Hey,” she said, but she did as I said.

  As we walked, I noticed how hard my cock was, how badly I wanted to be inside her again, wanted to feel her red, plush lips hugging my shaft, sucking me off while her big eyes stared up at me.

  I pulled her to the lingerie section and made her choose a few skimpy outfits.

  Her face reddened but I could tell she enjoyed selecting them in front of me. If there had been more time and the food wouldn’t spoil, I’d have made her change and give me a show in the dressing room.

  When she was done in the lingerie section, we went and grabbed socks, more panties and regular bras, t-shirts, sweaters, jeans and skirts. There was no time for her to try it all on, and I told her if things didn’t fit she could return them.

  Caeli tried to insist that it was all too much, but I refused to listen.

  We went up front and I paid for everything in cash—it came to over four hundred dollars.

  I still had close to a grand on me, and I knew more fights would be booked soon, especially when the video got out of today’s action. I’d planted that guy with one shot to the jaw, a perfectly timed punch that had felt like swinging a baseball bat and knocking one out of the park.

  Easy peasy.

  We walked out carrying bags full of clothes, and I tossed them in back of the truck with the grocery bags, and then we got into the cab and headed back to my apartment.

  I insisted on carrying all of the bags inside myself. It took me all of three trips, and I told Caeli to go shower and change into one of her new outfits.

  Meanwhile, I put the groceries away.

  My apartment wasn’t too bad, nothing to be ashamed of. When I’d first come home from overseas, I’d had a nice bit of money built up from when I was in Afghanistan.

  That initial cushion of money was gone, but it had allowed me to travel and finally rent a decent apartment in a nice area of town here. I’d furnished it well, complete with leather couches, big flat screen in the living room, dining room table and chairs, a great king-sized bed.

  While Caeli was in the shower, I put some olive oil in a pan, seasoned those thin steaks and then laid them flat in the pan where they immediately seared, popping and bubbling, the smell tantalizing.

  I made some rice in a pot and then covered it.

  Then I threw a bag of broccoli in the microwave and cooked it.

  Before long, the thin steaks were ready, I moved them to two plates, added the rice and broccoli and placed them on the dining room table just as Caeli emerged from her shower, fresh and clean, her wide eyes taking in the scene in front of her.

  She’d changed into jean capris and a light shirt, her wet hair pulled back.

  “Dinner is served,” I said, gesturing to the steaming food.

  Caeli looked at me, smiled hesitantly. “I feel like such a leech right now.”

  “Chill,” I told her. “Sit and eat.”

  I could tell nobody had ever taken care of her—not really. Probably not a single day in her life. It made me angry when I thought of her slaving away at that shitty burger joint, the way those people treated her—the way her father treated her.

  If she was with me, they’d never treat her like that again. Not ever.

  Caeli sat down, picked up her fork and dug into the rice.

  I sat down and watched her momentarily.

  “You’re making me nervous,” she said, looking up at me.

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about,” I replied, picking up my knife and fork.

  She started to eat, slowly at first, and then ravenous. “Oh my God, this is so good, Zack.”

  I smiled when she said my name. And I got hard all over again.

  Even with no makeup on, she was beautiful and sexy and all I could do was envision myself stripping her down again, fucking that tight wet pussy like I had the night before.

  The steak was good. “The key is not to flip the meat too much,” I explained, gesturing with my fork. “You just season it very simply, then lay it in the pan and don’t touch it except to flip it once. Boom. Seals in the juices, coats it.”

  She nodded, taking a napkin and wiping the juice from her lips as if to prove my point. “Who taught you how to cook?” she asked.

  I pictured my Gran and started to say the answer, but then I remembered how I’d left Gran back home without so much as a word. Left her along with the rest of them.

  My stomach felt suddenly sour. “It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled.

  Caeli nodded as if that answer made complete sense. She continued eating and then turned and looked at me with those big, soft eyes of hers. “I shouldn’t have given you such a hard time about fighting. The truth is,
I wish I had the guts to do what you do.”

  “And what is it you think I do exactly?”

  “You just do whatever you want to do, and you don’t apologize for it.” She went back to eating.

  “Whatever you think I am,” I said, “nothing’s ever that simple.”

  She picked at her broccoli. “What we did last night…” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  “It was nice. It was fun. But I hope you don’t expect more of that as some sort of repayment for you letting me crash with you.”

  I sat back in my chair and stared at her, laughing now. “You think I’m expecting sex in exchange for room and board?”

  “I don’t even know you. What we did last night—that’s not normal for me. I don’t just do that.”

  I grabbed my glass of water and took a long sip. “You don’t owe me or anyone else a damn thing, Caeli. Not a damn thing.” And then I got up and carried my plate to the kitchen, scraped the dregs into the trash and put the plate and silverware in the sink. While I was pouring some dish soap and water onto the dirty plates and utensils, she came into the kitchen behind me.

  “Guess I’m done too. It was really good, Zack.”

  “Cool,” I said, turning and reaching back to take her plate from her. Then I added it to the sink. “You can feel free to have the run of the place,” I said.

  “I feel like maybe I should go now,” she replied.

  I didn’t turn around to look at her. “Oh?”

  “Yeah, it’s just really awkward. I mean, what is this? I’m not your girlfriend, and you don’t seem exactly in the market to acquire one. If I’m wrong, please tell me.”

  I grabbed a sponge. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “Well, if this is just some sort of charity on your part, I don’t need it. And after what happened between us last night, neither of us could claim that we’re just friends.”

  “So?” I replied, picking up a fork and scrubbing at it.

  “So, I’m not comfortable with this sort of thing. Maybe you’re used to it, but I’m not. And I think I’m going to leave now.”

  I braced my hands on the edge of the counter momentarily.

  You should let her go.

  She knows that you’re fucking bad news, and you agree with her. Time to give it up, soldier, and move on before you do serious damage.

  She’s a sweet girl who deserves a hell of a lot better than anything you can give her.

  “You don’t want to leave right now,” I said, finally turning around and watching her.

  She was anxiously biting her thumbnail, which I found insanely cute and sexy.

  “I don’t?” she asked, brushing at a strand of loose hair that fell across her forehead.

  “No, you don’t,” I replied, leaning back against the counter now.

  “How do you know what I want?”

  “You came here with me, that’s how. You could’ve stayed at your apartment but you didn’t want to. You wanted to come with me, Caeli.”

  “I was confused.”

  “You’re still confused,” I replied, moving away from the sink and stepping towards her.

  Her cheeks turned a shade of pink as I approached, and her eyes widened. “I’m not…not anymore. You’re so strange,” she said, “and I don’t know if I can trust you.”

  “You can’t,” I said, and now I was so close I could easily touch her.

  Her back was pressed to the wall, and I could see her nipples through her shirt, could see that beautiful alabaster skin and those pouty lips. I’d tasted her before and I needed to taste her again no matter how wrong it was.

  No matter how much it hurt both of us in the long run.

  “What do you want from me?” she whispered.

  “This,” I said, and leaned in, kissing her plush lips, sucking on her responsive tongue.

  She moaned deep in her throat.

  “Admit that you want it too,” I said, breaking away, just barely. Our lips were almost touching. “Admit that you need it as bad as I do.”

  CAELI

  The taste of him still lingered in my mouth as Zack stared at me, his green eyes so piercing that I felt pinned to the wall by his gaze.

  “I’m not going to admit anything,” I said.

  The truth was, I did need him.

  I was losing control of my life, I was spinning and he was responsible for all of it. But I didn’t seem to be able to stop myself from falling.

  “If you don’t admit the truth, I won’t give you what you want, Caeli.”

  His taunting infuriated me. “Fuck you,” I said, starting to move away.

  “Exactly,” he replied, grabbing my hips so tightly that I couldn’t leave.

  “Let go,” I said, pushing at his muscular chest. I felt my pussy clench and throb as I allowed myself to truly appreciate his closeness.

  “Why should I? You don’t really want me to let go of you,” he grinned.

  “I do, actually,” I lied.

  Immediately his hands released their grip on me, and I was disappointed. I never should have started this game.

  I was going to lose every time.

  “If you really want to leave, then go,” he said. “I’d never try and stop you, Caeli.”

  “And don’t say my name anymore as if you know me,” I replied. I was getting angrier still. Somehow I’d backed myself into a corner, pretending to want to leave when the reality was I wanted to stay and be like we were last night.

  Even though it was wrong, I needed it.

  I needed him to take me all over again, no matter how hurt I’d be when he inevitably went away.

  Men like Zack Wild did not stick around, I knew enough to know that much.

  It was as if my heart was already broken and he hadn’t even rejected me yet—but I knew that he would. And soon. It was written in the deep green of his eyes, the knowledge that he couldn’t be contained, would never stay in one place very long.

  Whatever had happened to him, whatever he’d been through in his life, Zack was going to roam and keep moving, never be tied down to one woman, one job, or one city.

  Why did it hurt so badly? Why did I even care where he went after this?

  Why not just enjoy him for what he was? A hot guy who could make my body feel absolutely incredible.

  “You’re still here,” Zack smiled.

  “No, I’m not,” I told him, and then I began walking towards the door, despite myself.

  I was getting angrier and angrier as I went, wondering just what the point of it all was. He played a game with me, made me feel something and then tormented me for it.

  I reached the door and put my hand on the knob. I turned and looked over my shoulder and he wasn’t even watching me go. He was still in the kitchen.

  “Damn you,” I muttered. Hot rage flashed through me. I stomped back towards the kitchen. “You are a jerk!” I yelled, as I went towards the kitchen. “You treat people like they don’t matter! All you do is fight and fuck. And are they even any different, or are both just sports? Conquests?” I said, as I approached the kitchen.

  And then I stopped and stood there, my mouth open again in shock.

  Zack had taken his shirt off and he was standing there, waiting for me. “I told you,” he said, striding forward. “We both want the same thing,” he said. “Stop pretending we don’t.” And then he was grabbing me, and my hands went to his broad, bare chest, my palms sliding up his skin, feeling his heat, caressing the ink of his tattoos.

  His lips pressed into mine and now my hands slid over his shoulders as his hands grabbed the fabric of my shirt and tore at it, and then he just pulled from the collar, ripping the brand new shirt in half with one motion.

  My breasts were revealed. I hadn’t changed into a bra after my shower.

  And yes, it was intentional.

  All of it.

  Zack had been right and I hadn’t allowed myself to realize that until now, until I groaned, my body bucking into his as his hands graspe
d my flesh, his fingers closing around my tender nipples, teasing me as I cried out louder still.

  And then his head leaned down and he was sucking on them until I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “I need you,” I called out. “Oh God, I need you so fucking bad.”

  “Then prove it,” he said, pulling up straight and looking intently at me.

  “Prove it?”

  “On your knees. Show me how bad you want it. Show me right now.” He stepped back and waited.

  I got on my knees and stared at his bulging crotch, knowing the enormous monstrous organ that awaited me. But I did want him, and despite the fact that I’d only given oral sex to one young man (who’d had a fairly small member and come almost instantaneously), I knew that I was going to do this.

  Right now, just do it. Don’t overthink it.

  My hands went to his button, unsnapping it, and then the zipper. The sound of it unzipping was final, as if I couldn’t take anything back after this. His boxers shown through the opening of his jeans, and the head of his cock was already poking through, large and forceful.

  Zack waited, legs apart, hands at his sides.

  His eyes watched me carefully, hungrily.

  I reached into his boxers and tugged the monster free, feeling its slick hardness, its smooth strength in my hand, and I stroked it curiously.

  He grunted and I could tell he liked it. So I stroked it again, the root pulsating twice in my palm and then he let out still another grunt.

  “Fuck,” he whispered.

  His excitement gave me confidence, and I leaned forward, my butt resting on my heels, knees digging into the unforgiving floor.

  “I’m going to lick your cock,” I told him, feeling silly for saying it. Announcing it. My cheeks flushed as I leaned forward and stroked my tongue over the top of his prick, tasting saltiness and feeling heat. It was smooth and warm and I liked the way it felt.

  He groaned louder and his legs shuddered.

  I stroked his thickness yet again and again, and now my palm was getting wet, sticky from his excitement. I leaned down, saw glistening saliva and white foam on the head of his dick. I began licking in earnest then, stroking my tongue up and down his shaft, then all around his throbbing, engorged helmet.