Table of Contents
Copyright Page
Title Page
Dedication
CHAPTER ONE - THE DIG
CHAPTER TWO - THE ONES
CHAPTER THREE - THE AIRPLANE
CHAPTER FOUR - THE GYM
CHAPTER FIVE - THE CHALLENGE
CHAPTER SIX - THE MONKEY
CHAPTER SEVEN - THE BATHROOM
CHAPTER EIGHT - THE TOENAILS
CHAPTER NINE - THE RUNAWAY
CHAPTER TEN - THE CAGE
CHAPTER ELEVEN - THE TREASURE
CHAPTER TWELVE - THE EXPERIMENT
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - THE PLAN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN - THE DETENTION
CHAPTER FIFTEEN - THE GAME
CHAPTER SIXTEEN - THE DINOSAUR
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - THE BODYGUARD
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - THE TRUCE
Acknowledgements
About the Authors
GROSSET & DUNLAP
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For Delia,
who knows about disruptive boys.
—J.G.B.
For Scott.
—S.F.G.
A WORD of Warning to All Disruptive Boys
Are you still here?
Do you really want to know what happens next at Splurch Academy for Disruptive Boys? Weren’t you listening when I tried to warn you last time?
Here’s a suggestion: Go read a book where kids aren’t always narrowly escaping getting eaten.
You’re still here. I figured you would be.
Clearly you have disruptive tendencies of your own.
Splurch Academy, if you insist, is supposed to be a boarding school where boys with challenging behaviors learn in a kind, nurturing environment how to be proper gentlemen. That’s what it says in the brochure. It also says the food is delicious.
In truth, Splurch Academy is a scum-lined cesspool of juvenile misery, where rotten little rascal boys are dropped off and abandoned like yesterday’s trash, and never heard from again.
Why, you may ask, if it’s so terrible there, don’t the boys run away?
Oh, they’ve tried. Some are still alive to tell the tale.
If you’re so smart, how would you escape from a school where the headmaster is a vampire? Could you run faster than a teacher who’s a werewolf, or a secretary with bat wings and a hawk’s beak? How would you break free from the iron grip of a Frankenstein homeroom teacher?
If you’ve got ideas, I’m sure Cody Mack and his friends would love to hear them.
When last we saw Cody, he’d just accidentally unleashed Dr. Farley from an underground tomb where he’d been sent as a punishment by his ancient mother, the Grand Inquisitrix of the League of Reform Schools for Fiendish Children. The other boys at Splurch Academy were bound to be annoyed with Cody for setting Farley free. But Farley was even more annoyed since Cody had gotten him banished in the first place.
Cody couldn’t win.
But by now you know about Splurch Academy. No kid there can ever win.
You’d better pray your parents don’t buy you a one-way ticket there.
Grade Five
Possibly the most disruptive bunch of boys Splurch Academy has ever seen.
Cody Mack, age 11
The Master of Disruption. The Sultan of Schemes. The Prince of Plots. The Demigod of Dastardly Deeds. A pint-size Lord of Chaos. The ringleader of the fifth-grade band of brothers, and every teacher’s worst nightmare.
Carlos Ferrari, age 10
Cody Mack’s best friend. Give him a rubber band, a paper clip, and a can of shaving cream, and he’ll turn them into a weapon of mass disruption. It’s not his fault things tend to blow up when he’s around.
Mugsy, aka Percival Porsein, age 11
This kid will eat anything as long as it has ketchup on it. Don’t tease him about his teddy bear or he’ll sit on you. He has a habit of accidentally breaking things, like other people’s ribs, but really, he means well.
Ratface, aka Rufus Larsen, age 10
The one kid at Splurch Academy who felt perfectly at home in a rat’s body. He’s whiny; he’s annoying; he has weird ideas. Nothing is safe from this light-fingered little thief.
Sully, aka Sullivan Sanders, age 10
Brave as an earthworm. Athletic as cooked spaghetti. Minus his glasses he’s as blind as a mole. Still, being a genius has its advantages. This bookworm won’t speak to adults. Period.
Victor Schmitz, age 11
Anger issues got him sent to Splurch, and nothing’s changed so far. A good pick for a tug—of—war team, but you don’t want to challenge him to an arm-wrestling match. If you do, it’s safer if you lose.
The Teachers
Dr. Archibald Farley, Headmaster
The egotistical mastermind behind the torture of innocent disruptive boys. With his vampire strength and his mad science cunning, this evil headmaster is never without a plan to make Cody and his friends suffer.
Nurse Bilgewater
Strong as an ox and as kind-hearted as a feeding shark, Beulah Bilgewater is Splurch Academy’s medical specialist. Whatever you do, don’t get sick. Once this evil nurse gets her tentacles on you, there’s no escape.
Mr. Fronk
A lumbering carcass of a fifth-grade teacher who sleeps like a corpse through every class. His two fears: fire and boys who prefer comic books.
Griselda, the Cafeteria Lady
The only thing worse than her cooking is her complaining about her aches and pains. Wait. Never mind. Her cooking’s worse.
Mr. Howell
Go ahead. Try to run away from Splurch Academy. This mangy fleabag will even give you a head start. He sprints like a wolf and gnaws on
bones for lunch. Better steer clear when the moon comes out . . .
Ivanov, the Hall Monitor
This jack-of-all-trades does the dirty work of keeping the Academy clean. Sort of. He’d rather do the dirty work of tattling on kids.
Librarian
Does she have a name? Does she ever speak? Whose side is she on? No one is sure. But don’t raise your voice in her library. Not if you want to own your own tongue.
Miss Threadbare
This bony, spindly, scraggly bag o’ knuckles and teeth is Headmaster Farley’s secretary by day—a bat-winged hawk-monster by night. Don’t be slow when she tells you to stand for the pledge.
CHAPTER ONE
THE DIG
Biting November rain slashed Cody Mack’s cheeks. It soaked into his prison suit and ran in cold rivers down his back, straight into his underpants.
Just a typical cheerful morning at Splurch Academy.
Cody plunged his shovel into the soggy soil of the trench he’d been digging. Not because he wanted to. The entire monstrous school faculty stood guard to make sure the boys didn’t stop digging. Dig or die, those were the choices. Cody heaved a heavy shovelful of mud out of the trench.
Cody huddled as small as he could. He may eat me, Cody thought, but before I die I can whack him a good one with this shovel.
“Howell. That’s enough.”
Headmaster Archibald Farley appeared and gave Howell a warning look.
Off in the distance, through the trees, Cody heard the roar of truck engines on the highway. So close . . . the civilized world outside this stinking Academy was so close . . . he could almost taste it. . . . If he could just get to the road, he could hitch a ride on a truck. He’d go anywhere so long as it was far away from here.
Howell wandered off to wipe the mud from his shirt, and Farley strolled away to supervise other boys.
“Psst.”
Cody couldn’t see who was whispering.
“Psst. Cody!”
It was Carlos, digging in his trench.
“Hey, Carlos,” Cody said. “You okay?”
“My hands are all blisters,” Carlos said. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
Sully joined them.
“Someone who digs up stuff from the past,” Sully said. “Artifacts. Fossils. Buried treasure.”
Carlos laughed softly. “Ha. Like there’d be any buried treasure around this dump.”
Ratface wiped his dripping nose on his soggy sleeve. “I liked Farley better as a loony scientist,” he said.
“I never liked Farley, ever,” Victor said.
“Mad science, mad archaeology, it’s all the same,” Cody said.
“When’s he going to let us go eat lunch?” Mugsy moaned. “This dirt’s starting to look like chocolate pudding. Why d’you suppose Farley wants us digging all these rectangles, anyway?”
Sully stopped digging. “Isn’t it obvious, Mugs?”
Mugsy shook his head. His curly hair wobbled.
Sully shoved his glasses back up his nose. “Don’t you guys get it? Look around.” Still, Mugsy looked perplexed. So did Cody, for that matter.
“We’re digging our own graves.”
Nobody even bothered trying to deny it. Farley and the teachers loathed the boys sent to Splurch Academy. The feeling was mutual. There were rules in place that Farley didn’t dare openly break—rules that made sure he and the other monsters couldn’t kill or eat the boys—but that didn’t stop Farley from constantly searching for loopholes around those rules. Ever since he’d returned from his imprisonment in the crypt underneath the Academy where his mother had sent him for bad behavior, he’d been looking for new ways to get around those pesky regulations. Today’s digging nonsense probably meant he’d finally found a way.
A sound coming from deep in the woods made Cody and the other boys pause. Through the thinning branches and the pouring rain, someone was running. The person was sprinting over snapping twigs and slick, crunching leaves.
“Who’s that?” Cody hissed, pointing. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Shoffwall,” Carlos whispered. “That big moron from the seventh grade. He’s making a break!”
Cody’s breath caught in his throat. An escape! Ever since his parents and his principal had sent him to this backwater of misery, Cody had dreamed of nothing else but escape. It wasn’t his fault Headmaster Farley and his monster teachers had outfoxed him at every turn. Someday . . .
Run, kid, run, Cody thought. Bust outta here, and maybe we can be next. Tell your parents. Tell all the parents what an evil school this is!
Pavlov’s bark rang out like a gunshot. All the teachers looked up. They saw Shoffwall. He was almost to the road now.
Oh no. Cody shook his head. Shoffwall’s a goner.
Farley gestured leisurely to Nurse Bilgewater. “Beulah,” he said, “we seem to have a student anxious to get exercise.”
Nurse Bilgewater nodded. “I see that.”
“Would you be so kind,” Farley said, “as to take care of this little problem in your own special way?”
Shoffwall hit the dirt, inches from the pavement.
Ratface began whimpering. “They killed that kid! They killed that doofus Shoffwall! I’ve witnessed a murder!”
“Not quite, but almost,” Sully said. “That wasn’t a normal bullet. It was a turbo electrozap mind-scrambler dart. One of Farley’s special inventions.”
Mud flew up in the air as the students resumed digging. Shoonk went the shovels, slicing through rocky dirt. Fwish went the soil, landing in a pile, or in someone else’s face. Cody dug like there was no tomorrow, which might have turned out to be the case. Pavlov stalked around their holes, growling at anybody who paused even to wipe the rain off their faces.
Cody climbed down into his trench to dig farther. Clink went his shovel. He’d hit something hard. A rock? He jabbed around it with the blade. No, not a rock. It was long and skinny. And pale, too, once he got some of the dirt off.
It was a bone. He bent over and pried it up. Pavlov’s growl rumbled in his throat. His murderous eyes smoldered as he glared over the edge of the hole.
Cody looked at the bone, then at Pavlov. “Here, doggy,” he cried. “Fetch!” And he flung the bone as far as he could. Pavlov galloped off after it.
Cody watched him go. Pavlov fetched the bone, then trotted over to Farley and dropped it in his master’s lap.
Stupid dog, Cody thought. How could Farley possibly have gotten a dog to like him?
“Pavlov, old boy, you’re mussing up my trousers,” Farley said. Then he took a closer look at the bone. He picked it up and polished it on Howell’s shirt.
Rising to his feet, he stumbled across the lawn like a man in a daze. He reached Cody’s trench and stared right through him as though he weren’t there, but then plucked Cody out with one yank of his collar. He might have looked like an old fossil, but he still had superhuman vampire strength.
Cody and the other boys stood like bent sticks stuck in the mud, watching the headmaster. He’s a lunatic, Cody thought. A complete and total lunatic.
Cody was cold, wet, and angry. He didn’t care what happened to him anymore. Not even if he got locked in the highest tower for a month for sassing the headmaster. It’d be worth it.
“What’d you find in your mud puddle, Farley?” Cody said. “You’re acting like you just won the lottery. What’s the big fat deal about a stupid little bone?”
“That’s Headmaster Farley to you, Roadkill Breath,” Howell growled.
But Farley only sneered at Cody. He held up a hand to stop Howell from saying more. A slow smile spread over his lips. He held up a jawbone studded with deadly looking teeth. “You’ll find out soon enough, Master Mack,” he said. “I’ll personally make sure you’re the first to know.”
CHAPTER TWO
THE ONES
Digging was canceled and the boys were sent back inside the school. They dried off and headed to class.
In the hallway they came across a
skeleton propped against the wall.
“What’s this?” Sully asked. “Is one of the teachers actually going to teach us some science?”
“Those aren’t just any bones,” Cody said. “See the tie and the hat? This is Farley’s Uncle Rastus, remember?
“Oh yeah,” Mugsy said. “We found him in Farley’s closet around Halloween.”
“What’s he doing here?” Cody asked.
Ratface stared at the skeleton. “Is it me or did he just move his hand?”
“Oh, sure, Ratface,” Victor said. “Dead bones can just move. On their own. Right.”
“Hey, I know a song about bones,” Mugsy said. He started singing. “The hip bone’s connected to the ear bone . . .”
The Colossal Fossil Freakout #3 Page 1