“It is not, you goofus,” Carlos said. “There’s no such thing as an ear bone.”
“Actually, the inner ear contains three tiny bones, called ossicles, which transmit vibrations from the tympanic membrane.”
“Whoa! Cut!” Ratface said. “Too early in the day for your brain waves, Sully. I haven’t had my lunch yet.”
Victor sniffed the air. “Lunch smells like toxic waste soup.”
“Better than the charred skunk burgers we had last week,” Ratface replied.
Mugsy rolled his eyes. “They were chicken patties. Not too bad with ketchup.”
They went into their classroom. Mr. Fronk sat at his desk, taking a little power nap.
The school bell rang. Fronk’s bloodshot eyes opened, and he unclipped his power cords. He looked wearily at the boys and stretched.
“You again?” He rubbed his red eyes. “I was having a beautiful dream. I dreamed that I got to teach students with actual brains. Then I wake up and see you boys here.”
“Believe me,” Cody said. “We’re not any happier about it than you are.”
Fronk ignored Cody. He rose to his feet. “If you must be here, then it’s time you learned the classics,” he told his class. “They will improve your minds and give you an appreciation for taste and culture.”
Cody and his friends stared blankly at Mr. Fronk. Classics, what? Culture, what? A prison sentence at Splurch Academy was bad enough without this sick abuse.
“Romeo and Juliet is a good start.” Fronk passed out tattered paperbacks.
“A stupid girl book?” Ratface squawked. “He wants us to read a stupid girl book?”
“Yeah,” Carlos said, laughing. “Only stupid girls would read it!”
“Kissy kissy kissy!” Cody said. “Smoochie-smoo!”
Carlos’s laugh froze on his lips when he saw Mr. Fronk glaring at him through yellow eyes.
“You think this is stupid, boys?” He grabbed Sully’s copy. “What would maggots like you know? You wouldn’t recognize true art if it ate your lunch out from under your nose. The finest minds through the ages have honored Shakespeare for his brilliance. Scholars everywhere can quote him by heart. Listen to this.”
Fronk lumbered over to Cody and scowled at him.
“Who did it, Mr. Mack? Tell me now.”
Cody shrugged. “Did what?”
“Broke the window!”
“Broke what window?”
Fronk was getting angry now. “That window! The one that’s broken! Right over there. You just said yourself that . . .”
“Windows all look fine to me,” Cody said, crossing his arms over his chest.
Cody could’ve sworn he saw puffs of steam coming out of Fronk’s ears.
Fronk turned to Sully. “Sullivan! You never miss a thing. Tell me who did it!”
Sully didn’t even respond. He just stared off into space like he didn’t know Fronk was there. He might as well have been a fish. Even though Cody knew Sully never spoke to adults, he was still impressed to see how he pulled it off.
Fronk gave up. “Detention for all you vermin tonight,” Fronk said. He left the room, and they heard his booming voice calling for Ivanov to bring his broom.
“‘Yonder window breaks . . . .’” Cody high-fived Ratface. “That,” he said, “was genius. Sheer genius!”
“I can’t believe you were listening that closely,” Sully said.
Ratface held his nose high in the air. “The finest minds through the ages know their classics.” They all laughed.
“Hey, guys,” Cody said, watching the door to make sure Fronk hadn’t returned. “After lights-out tonight, let’s come back and get Uncle Rastus and bring him to the dorm. He can be our mascot!”
Carlos shrugged. “Why not? It’s not like we’ve got other plans.”
Sully shook his head. “If Ivanov catches us out of bed, we’re toast.”
“We’re toast already,” Carlos said. “We’re stuck at Splurch, remember?”
Mugsy tugged on Cody’s sleeve. “But Fronk said we’ve got detention.”
“So, we bust out of detention. What’s the big deal? There’s no place in this school they can lock us in that our Ratface can’t get us out.”
“You were saying, Cody?” Sully said. “How’s that escape plan coming, Ratface?”
“They can’t do this to us!” Ratface said. “It’s barbaric! It’s primitive! It’s gotta be illegal ten times over.”
“Like that matters,” Cody said.
“Something’s dripping on my nose,” Victor said.
“It’s sewer water,” Sully said. “From the pipes.”
“This stinks,” Mugsy said.
“Oh, come on. Cheer up, guys,” Cody said. “We’ve been worse off than this before. Remember when—”
“No, I mean, the sewer juice stinks,” Mugsy said. “Pee-yew.”
“Okay, guys, here’s the plan,” Cody said. “Victor. Mugsy. Use your massive strength to smash through the wood and set us free.”
Victor rattled the stocks. “Yeah, right. Why don’t you smash through this wood? It’s about four inches thick.”
“Ratface, haven’t you got anything in your pockets to pick a lock with?” Cody asked. “You always do.”
“Sure I do,” Ratface said. “Can anybody reach my pockets?”
They sat there for a while. Cody’s neck chafed against the wooden hole. He couldn’t feel his toes. He wished he could go to sleep, but if he didn’t hold his head up, he’d choke with his neck resting on the wood.
Then they heard something. Noises. Voices. Sounds of . . . pouring, bubbling liquids? And hissing steam?
“Sully,” Carlos whispered. “What’s on the other side of that wall? A kitchen?”
“Farley’s laboratory,” Sully said. “He must be doing some sort of experiment.”
“Shh,” Carlos said. “The sounds are coming from that grate. Listen!”
It was Farley’s unmistakable voice.
“Yeah,” Howell said. “You could sell this baby for a fortune to any museum. We could all take a nice cruise to Transylvania.”
“You’re babbling!” Farley cried. “Sell him? Sell him? I’ve got much bigger plans for him than to earn mere money.”
“What plans?”
There was a pause, then a little bang, like a chemistry experiment exploding.
“It’s personal.” Farley was chuckling now. “And you’ll have to wait and see.”
CHAPTER THREE
THE AIRPLANE
The scrambled eggs the next morning were less rubbery than usual, and the boys were actually eating their breakfasts when a roaring sound filled the air.
It was an airplane, flying straight toward the Academy building! The boys ran to the windows for a better look.
It was the strangest looking airplane Cody had ever seen. From the puffs of dark smoke and the choking sound the engine made, it seemed like it was going to explode, but still it flew loop-de-loops through the sky, then came in for a landing right across the Splurch Academy lawns. Closer and closer it sped, its wheels tearing up the grass, until the Splurch boys backed away from the window in terror. The plane stopped with its nose just inches away from the window.
Griselda fell down in a dead faint into the garbage can. The boys ignored her. They were watching the pilot and the passengers, dressed in leather helmets and bomber jackets, climb out of the plane.
One passenger climbed out. And then another. And another, and another, and another!
“Where did they all fit?” Sully whispered to Cody.
Five passengers had hopped out from the tiny plane. “It’s like the plane is bewitched,” Cody answered.
The passengers didn’t bother to knock at the Academy entrance.
The boys all took a step back. Carlos ran his fingers through his hair. Victor started flexing his muscles, posing to impress the girls! Cody wanted to laugh at them both, but this wasn’t the time. First, he needed to find out what was going on.
“Who’re you?” he asked the tall woman.
She pulled off her glove, one finger at a time. “That’s no way to address your betters,” she said. She looked away as if the sight of Cody bored her.
Cody studied the girls. They were about his age, it seemed. But what were they doing here? he wondered. Were they the okay kind of girls, or the completely annoying kind?
Generally Cody didn’t have much use for girls, but after all, these girls did fly here in a cool plane, and they were wearing neat-o leather jackets. That might be worth something.
One girl met his gaze. He gave her a little half wave.
She scowled at him.
He hadn’t done a thing! So much for being friendly . . .
Sully elbowed Cody to warn him to knock it off. The tall woman was frowning down at the boys.
The cafeteria door opened, and the faculty walked in, wearing bathrobes, pajamas, hair curlers, and slippers. The teachers shuffled over to the coffeepot.
Fronk, Nurse Bilgewater, Howell, and Miss Threadbare all looked like they’d seen better days. Only Headmaster Farley was missing.
Then they noticed the newcomers.
Crash! Miss Threadbare’s coffee cup shattered on the floor. Nurse Bilgewater choked on a mouthful of sausage.
“What’s all this?” Miss Threadbare gasped, pointing a finger at the woman. “Who are you? Who let you in here?”
“Good morning,” the woman said, thrusting out a hand. “Priscilla Prim. I’ve been sent here by the Grand Inquisitrix of the League of Reform Schools for Fiendish Children to organize this school. I brought my pupils with me. We’re moving in.”
The Splurch teachers looked at one another and busted out laughing.
Priscilla Prim cracked her knuckles. She looked like she was bracing for a battle she planned to enjoy.
CHAPTER FOUR
THE GYM
“She’s your sister?” Howell asked. “You never said anything about a sister.”
“My brother, Archibald, doesn’t often mention me,” Miss Prim said. “I give him an inferiority complex.”
Veins bulged in Farley’s forehead. “You give me a pain in the neck! Get your little girl scouts out of here. You’ve got no business here.”
The monkey hissed at Farley. Priscilla pulled a folded letter from her inner pocket. “Oh, but I do,” she said. “Didn’t Mother tell you? She sent me this letter.” She read from the parchment. “Darling Priscilla, be a dear girl and go take over Archie’s school for a while, won’t you? He’s been naughty to the boys, so I had to send him to time-out, but sooner or later he’ll find a way out. I know I can count on you to tidy up and bring Little Brother’s school up-to-date.”
Priscilla tucked the letter back into her pocket and smirked at Farley. “Don’t worry, Archie-Farchie.” She patted him on the head. “I’ll fix everything. And I’ll take good care of you.”
“Whatever you say, Starchy-Archie,” Priscilla said. “Come, girls, let’s find your rooms.”
“Just because you’re older doesn’t make you the boss of me!” Farley shrieked. “Fronk, take the boys to the gym while I sort this problem out.”
“Exercise! An excellent idea,” Priscilla cried. “My girls will go to the gymnasium, too. They’ll have a jolly time getting acquainted with your boys.” She leaned toward her students and whispered. “Go easy on them, girls,” she said. “We don’t want any of the nice young lads to get hurt.”
“We don’t want any of the nice young lads to get hurt,” Victor mimicked. “Geez.”
They reached the gym. One of the girls picked up a basketball and began to dribble.
The familiar ping-ping of a basketball on a hardwood floor was music to Cody’s ears. He’d played on a team in his pre-Splurch life. The Galloping Gorillas, they had called themselves. Cody’d been point guard and co-captain. So long ago . . .
“Yeah, but which is which?”
Brittany and Brooke fixed Ratface with an evil sneer. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Ratface rolled his eyes. “No. I don’t want to know either of your stupid names. I just want you to leave. All you crummy girls. Go back to your girls’ school and do your . . . ballet and Barbie dolls and whatever. The sooner, the better.”
The other boys cheered.
“Yeah,” Mugsy cried. “What he said.”
But Marybeth and the other tall girl weren’t amused.
“This school is filthy. Even the dirt talks. Let’s clean up this place, Roxanne,” Marybeth yelled, and before Ratface knew what hit him, Marybeth and Roxanne grabbed him by his elbows and stuffed him into a garbage can. Brittany and Brooke grabbed mops and swept Sully’s feet out from under him.
“That’s it!” Victor yelled. “Nobody sticks my friends in the trash. This means war. To the death!”
A bossy-looking girl stepped forward.
Cody brought the ball up the court and began directing his team where to go. “We’ve got to set up a play, men,” he said, pointing Victor and Mugsy toward the center and getting ready to pass to Carlos. “Move around. Stay open. You—”
Whoosh.
One of the twins snagged the ball right out from under his dribble and passed it to Roxanne. She sprinted toward the unguarded basket. A perfect breakaway.
“Time-out!” Cody yelled. He and the other boys huddled with Sully.
“I’ve drawn up some plays,” Sully began, producing a clipboard from who knows where, covered with X’s and O’s.
“Never mind that,” Cody said. “Guys, come on! Are you gonna just stand by and let those Priscilla Poo-heads make you look like idiots?”
“If we ever got our hands on the ball, we would,” Ratface said. “I mean, you can’t even seem to hold onto it without one of them picking it out from under your nose like a booger.”
Suddenly, Miss Threadbare’s voice came screeching over the loudspeaker. “MR. FRONK AND STUDENTS, REPORT TO CLASSES.”
Mr. Fronk, who had been sleeping through the entire ball game, began to stir in his chair.
“Looks like we won,” Virginia said. “We’ve got four points, and you’ve got . . . what? A big goose egg?” She clicked her tongue. “What a shame.”
Victor scowled at her. “You didn’t win. We barely even got started. We were about to chop you into dog food.” Victor grabbed a ball and made a sweet shot.
“MR. FRONK WILL BE TEACHING THE GIRLS IN HIS CLASS THIS AFTERNOON,” Miss Threadbare’s voice added.
Fronk scowled. He headed for the door. “C’mon, toads. Let’s go.”
Cody gestured toward the other guys to follow him to class and leave the girls behind.
“So,” Cody whispered. “Looks like Farley hasn’t thought up a way to get rid of his sister.”
“Yet,” Sully added.
“Lamebrain Farley can’t think his way out of a paper bag,” Victor said.
“Then I say,” Cody added, “we’ll have to get rid of the girls ourselves.”
CHAPTER FIVE
THE CHALLENGE
Having the girls around made detention feel like an all-night spree in a candy factory. With the girls in his fifth-grade classroom, Mr. Fronk decided to stage a live performance of the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
“Here are your lines,” Fronk said, passing them each sheets of paper. “Put some feeling into them! Here, young lady. You need to be on a balcony. Stand here on this chair. And, Mr. Mack, you’ll be here, hiding in the bushes and watching Juliet. But she doesn’t know you’re there.”
“Nice tights, Cody,” Victor hooted.
“Watch it, buster,” Cody snarled.
“Stick to the script,” Fronk demanded, “or we’ll make this a silent play and go straight for the passionate kissing.”
Fortunately for Cody, the bell rang, saving him from having to choose between kissing a girl or facing the wrath of an undead corpse teacher.
When they got to lunch, not only had the girls commandeered the boys’ usual table, but
Griselda had made all the girls fresh fruit salads, milk shakes, and chicken sandwich wraps. She’d even put a flower in a vase on their table. For the boys, it was the usual Splurchy fare—possum sloppy Joes on pumpernickel buns. And they had to sit on the floor to eat it.
“I thought this place could get no worse,” Mugsy moaned. He covered his sloppy possum with ketchup and took a forlorn bite. “How come we don’t get milk shakes?”
“Because Griselda’s playing favorites with the girls, just like Priscilla Prim does,” Sully said.
“If Farley was looking to make our lives more miserable, he couldn’t have done better than bringing those girls here,” Carlos said. “Are you sure he wasn’t behind it somehow?”
“Nah,” Cody said. “Farley hates his sister like a cat hates a bath.”
In the hallways, the boys saw two of the girls prowling around with magnifying glasses, studying every brick, every tile, and every board in the old Academy.
After classes and dinner, the boys returned to their dorm.
“At least there’s one place in this rotten school where we can still get away from the girls,” Victor said. “Our dorm room.”
“Yeah,” Ratface said. “Our sanctuary, where females dare not go. The one place we can safely plot and plan how to get rid of them forever.”
But when they reached their room, they found a sign on the door marked “Private. Keep Out!”
“Huh?” Ratface said.
They opened the door and a pillow came flying at them.
“Go away, foul intruders!” a girl’s voice shrieked.
The door slammed in Cody’s face.
Cody’s jaw dropped. He pounded on the door with his fists.
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