Gasping - the Play

by Elton, Ben

KIRSTEN: Suck and Blow is the most exciting product I’ve encountered since the Pot Noodle.

  PHILIP: Did you hear that Sandy? Rendezvous with destiny or what! This lady worked on the Pot Noodle!

  KIRSTEN: My first job ... ‘Put on the kettle, Gretel.’

  SANDY: ‘Fill my pot, Dot.’

  KIRSTEN (touched): You remember it.

  PHILIP: I feel very good about this project, let’s have lunch!

  SANDY: Uhm, perhaps we should ask Kirsten if she’s had any time to come up with some ideas yet?

  PHILIP: Oh come on Sandy! You’ve only just accessed here.

  KIRSTEN: I like to work fast Phil, I toyed for a while with ‘share my air, Claire’ but I think it’s time to go radical ... Let me run this by-line past you ... ‘Other people’s air, it’ll get right up your nose.

  (Short pause, they are thrilled.)

  SANDY: It’s ... brilliant! quite brilliant! PHILIP: There’s a rare and savage beauty to your copy Kirsty.

  KIRSTEN (briskly assembling story boards, presentation portfolios etc): I’d want to use the fellow who does the Creamy Churn Dairy Spread voice-overs, he turned round their whole campaign with that quiet, sinister way he has ...

  (Hits a button, we hear a tape )

  TAPE: ‘Half the calories of butter or margarine, but all the buttery taste ...

  PHILIP (excited): I buy the damn stuff myself! ... (correcting himself) I mean it always seems to be in the fridge ... I’ve got this absolute treasure, I’d probably look totally Biafran without her.

  KIRSTEN (hands over designer folder): You’ll find the text on blue ... We saturate local radio for a fortnight, classic rock and current affairs stations only of course — not a lot of point pitching to some twelve-year-old heavy metal fan whose testicles are still somewhere in the region of his armpits.

  PHILIP: With you on that. What about the Telly?

  KIRSTEN: I’ve been thinking hard about television ... Let’s try a little word association game Philip, just for the fun of it, throw me back your instant reactions OK ... Class.

  PHILIP (instant list): Bogart, Chivas Regal, Sergeant Pepper, Harley Davidson, Johann Amadeus Bach, mist on a moonlit lake, friendship.

  KIRSTEN: You missed something out Philip.

  PHILIP: I did?

  KIRSTEN: Sandy?

  SANDY: Suck and Blow?

  KIRSTEN: Exactly.

  PHILIP (short pause, slightly miffed): Hmm, yes well, I rather thought that went without saying.

  KIRSTEN: Nothing goes without saying in advertising Philip, think of Coca Cola. We all know it adds life and is the real thing, we don’t need reminding that it unites the world, and you can’t beat the feeling ...

  SANDY: It really is an incredibly now beverage.

  KIRSTEN: Exactly, but if their agency had made the mistake of imagining those things went without saying, we’d be still under the illusion that Coke was just a sweet, sticky drink that can completely dissolve a tooth inside twenty-two hours.

  PHILIP: I hope you’re listening to all this Sandy. Because you’re interjecting on a grade ‘A’ marketing seminar.

  KIRSTEN: OK let’s move onto the actual TV time slots. I’m thinking of a sophisticated restaurant scenario here, we’re talking real ...

  PHILIP: Class?

  KIRSTEN: Exactly.

  PHILIP: Wine glasses the size of buckets ... (Plenty of movement, they act it out.)

  KIRSTEN: Only three items on the menu ...

  PHILIP: Portions so small you think you’ve got a dirty plate and it turns out to be your main course ... (getting excited) a hundred and fifty pounds for a splash of raspberry sauce with a squiggly vanilla line through the middle ... We are talking the very best in executive dining.

  KIRSTEN: Fine, so you have the venue ... close-up on two young executive lovers having pre-sex dinner. (she makes a lens of her fingers, as directors are wont to do) They are a class act. She is one heck of a lady, essentially romantic, but romantic on her terms. She has a body that says ‘screw me’, but watch out because in business hours she’ll screw you, and screw you to the wall. We’re looking at a sort of young Meryl Streep with shades of Sigourney Weaver, Jodie Foster, Cher and Sylvester Stallone.

  PHILIP: I like this lady. What about the guy?

  KIRSTEN: Let’s just say that our high-class chick is thinking about giving up everything to have his children.

  PHILIP: I hope he realizes the kind of levels he’s lucked out at.

  KIRSTEN: He does, he’s one heck of a guy ... Sandy, you read ‘man in restaurant’; I’ll read ‘sexy girl’ ...

  (KIRSTEN gives him a designer folder.)

  PHILIP: Uhm, hang on, uhm ... don’t you think it would be better if I read ‘man in restaurant’? Just a thought.

  KIRSTEN: OK you get the part, try it very Michael Douglas. (she sits at a convenient table, and acts) ... ‘So darling, next stop the Tokyo posting.’

  PHILIP: Right, OK, here goes ... (acting) ‘I’m afraid not darling, they’ve given Tokyo to Simon.’

  KIRSTEN (acting): ‘But you’re by far the best man ...

  PHILIP (acting): ‘I’m afraid you’re going to miss out on all the perks. The magnificent access to Far Eastern shopping facilities, the gorgeous little Sushi bars, the Samurai servants ...

  KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Such a shame you didn’t get it.’

  PHILIP (acting): ‘Oh I got it all right, I just didn’t take it. The office doesn’t have Suck and Blow.’

  KIRSTEN: And then the voice-over comes in, imagine the man from the Dairy Spread commercials ... (hitting tape recording)

  TAPE: ‘Remember, a man prepared to breathe second-rate air will probably be prepared to deliver second-rate product. If your people deserve it, fit Suck and Blow.’

  PHILIP (thrilled): But this is wonderful, I mean absolutely Barry brilliant! Just totally and utterly Barry!

  KIRSTEN: It has class Philip.

  PHILIP: It has more class than a Sunday Times Wine Club special-selection case.

  KIRSTEN (more groovy designer folders): Item Two uses a similar couple, in a power seduction situation. It’s his flat and the lady is hot right? The coffee and Armagnac are all through and she’s just about ready to climb aboard and rut her horny little ass off. She just wants to bang her gorgeous, muscly, workaholic, over-achieving boyfriend till his dick falls off.

  PHILIP: Ha ha, believe me, I’ve been that guy.

  KIRSTEN: Then you’d better read it again.

  (She slaps another groovy designer folder across at him.)

  PHILIP: Sorry Sandy, perks of seniority ...

  KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Mmm, lovely coffee ... I must say you seem to have everything in your beautiful apartment ... the best food ... the best wine ... Only the best of everything, I like that in a man.’

  PHILIP (acting): ‘There’s a pool on the roof, I thought we might swim a little later ...‘ (aside to SANDY) This is superb!

  KIRSTEN (acting): ‘As long as it’s secluded ... I don’t have a swim-suit. (she sniffs) Is something burning? ... Apart from me that is.’

  PHILIP (aside to SANDY): I can’t believe this stuff, it’s just so believable ... (acting) ‘Ha ha, that’s the caviar and truffle soufflé ruined.’

  KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Never mind, I’m not hungry — for food, and the Suck and Blow will soon clear the air.’

  PHILIP (acting embarrassed): ‘Uhm ... hmm ... yes ... I’ll just open a window shall I?’

  KIRSTEN (acting suddenly cold): ‘Is that the time? I really must be going.’ (hitting tape recording)

  TAPE: ‘If you haven’t got a Suck and Blow, you haven’t got anything at all.’

  PHILIP (very excited): Kirsten, I don’t know what to say. It’s quite simply utterly stunning, it could not be more quite simply utterly stunning if you’d written it on a sledge-hammer and bashed young Sandy here over the head with it. Class, you said? This campaign has more class than the Royal Family!

  KIRSTEN: If you can sell the product into the
shops I anticipate commencing a saturation sweep within a matter of weeks. We should be picking up our first major advertising industry awards soon after that.

  SANDY: It’s a magnificent campaign, we’ll sweep the board.

  PHILIP: A campaign’s no use at all without product outreach. Come along Sandy my son, we’ve production targets to reach. Check you later Kirsty.

  KIRSTEN: You can always get me on the portable. (They go, KIRSTEN begins to assemble her stuff PHILIP returns alone.)

  PHILIP (sincere tone): Kirsten I am a busy man, I did not arrive at where I am today by beating myself with a bush, so I’ll put it bluntly. I’m a plain and simple man with plain and simple tastes and I like to see a woman who is both. Can we do dinner?

  KIRSTEN: Why not, that would be lovely.

  PHILIP: That’s OK, no hassle, forget it, I respect a woman who is busy ... What!

  (Blackout. During the darkness we hear a Capital Radio ad break with a fake Suck and Blow ad in the middle.)

  DJ: And we’ll be back with the Capital weather, news of the Help a London Child appeal and of course lots more music, after this ...

  (Two or three real ads, followed by ...)

  MUM’S VOICE: Well Jenny, that’s the floor done, I’ve cleaned the house from top to bottom, everything’s sparkling and clean for your birthday party.

  LITTLE JENNY’S VOICE: No it isn’t Mummy.

  MUM’S VOICE (laughing indulgently): All right Jenny, what have I missed?

  JENNY: All the lead, the carbon, the nicotine, the dried dead skin cells, the human methane, oh lots and lots of horrid poisonous muck!

  MUM: Well I can’t see any of that dear.

  JENNY: You can’t see it Mummy, but it’s there and I’m going to have the dirtiest, most unhealthy birthday party in my class.

  VOICE OVER: Doesn’t your child deserve the benefits of Suck and Blow ... ? Other people’s air: it’ll get right up your nose.

  SCENE FIVE

  Front of stage, PHILIP and CHIEF wander on with towels wrapped round waists, dripping, wet and sudsy.

  CHIEF (puffing on huge cigar): So young fellow, your first dip in the top nobs’ Jacuzzi whirlpool bath. I’m sure your telephone will be fine when it’s dried out a bit.

  PHILIP: It’s a legal problem now Chief. When I purchase hardware purporting to be executive level equipment I simply presume that it’s whirlpool bath compatible. Surely that has to be the bottom line.

  CHIEF (taking a robe from an imaginary servant): Thank you, that will be all ... (to PHILIP) Absolutely first-class steam-room attendant. Totally respectful. It’s not often you get respected as well as that these days is it Philip? Respect like that is a rare and precious thing.

  PHILIP: Oh no question, the guy gave really terrific respect. Respect-wise, he’s a senior talent, a genuine first-division respecter.

  CHIEF: One of the little perks of being at the top Philip, is being respected as well as that. Respected by people who really know how to respect. You’re going to find yourself on the receiving end of that quality of respect more and more often Philip.

  PHILIP: Sounds like pretty heady wine Chief.

  CHIEF: Well, I think you know that you’ve earned it. You’ve masterminded a Pot Noodle of quite simply colossal proportions. Suck and Blow is the marketing phenomenon of the decade.

  PHILIP: Yes, and even more satisfying than the money Chief is that we’ve improved the quality of people’s lives.

  CHIEF: Yes, well of course you’re right, the social contribution we’re making is nice too ...

  (There are a couple of benches for massage. CHIEF addresses an invisible masseur.)

  Just oil me up and calm me down would you, thank you so much ... (to another imaginary attendant) It’s my young friend here’s first time so loosen him up a bit eh? untie the old muscular knots and bash him into shape, splendid.... (as they get on the benches) You’ll enjoy this Philip, nothing like a massage to relax you after an executive steam.

  PHILIP: Yes, I once had a massage in Bangkok, terrific. (getting on the other bench, discreetly to the imaginary servant) Just the straight stuff OK? don’t bother with the gentleman’s executive relief or the lollipop game ... Mmm, oh yes, most relaxing. (trying to imply total relaxation and enjoyment) Oh, oh oh oh yes, mmm, that’s terrific mm mmm ... (he screams) Ahh!

  (He flings his legs apart ... i.e. as if the imaginary masseur was pulling him violently.)

  CHIEF (comfortably immobile with cigar): Don’t worry, he’s just breaking down the tissue tension to help you relax.

  PHILIP: Fantastic Ahhh! ! (he arches his back violently, speaks with difficulty) ... He’s a really terrific relaxer...... Huhhh! ! (he slams his back down and raises his legs straight in the air, all his weight on his shoulders) Uhhh!!

  CHIEF (still puffing on cigar): To the victor the spoils Philip, if anyone deserves a moment’s relaxation you do.

  PHILIP (straining): Major compliment received and appreciated Chief. Ahhh!!

  (He flings his legs all the way over so that his toes are on the bench behind his head, he is completely doubled up.)

  CHIEF: People are choosing to purchase Suck and Blow ahead of CD players, microwaves. We penetrate lower income brackets daily. That’s what I admire about you Philip, you’re flexible.

  PHILIP (straining): I like to think so Chief......Aaaahh!!

  (He does a full backward roll, coming up on his knees. He immediately slams himself face down on the bench.)

  CHIEF: You bend with the marketing wind ...

  PHILIP: I certainly hope so Chief......Huurrrr!! (face down, he lifts chest and knees from bench in a banana shape, balanced on pelvis, then slams down) Huurrrr!!

  (He does this a number of times while CHIEF carries on.)

  CHIEF: You turn with the trends, you’re malleable Philip.

  PHILIP (throwing himself into a headstand): Chief, I’m just a cog, just a part of the company machine, but I love the company, and when it comes to shifting company product I swear I’m ready to slap my balls right on the line, again and again and again.

  CHIEF: I’m sure Abdullah would be quite happy to do that for you ...

  PHILIP (panicked): No!! I’d hate to trouble him.

  CHIEF: Then perhaps another steam?

  PHILIP (very relieved): I’d love one Chief.

  CHIEF: All right Abdullah, that will do ... (PHILIP collapses as if he has been being held up by the feet and has just been dropped, CHIEF gets up) Yes I’m delighted Philip. Why even here in the gym, even through the steam it’s clear as crystal, one hundred per cent sterilized, pure, private air.

  PHILIP: With a hint of damp pine on a dewy morning if I’m not mistaken.

  CHIEF: Let me tell you Philip, I don’t miss the reek of stale truss at all. It’s a pleasure to draw breath. As indeed it is in any decent establishment in London these days. (he walks across and through the steam we see a Suck and Blow machine lurking in the corner, he slaps it appreciatively) I salute you. And of course your splendid team. I’ve been delighted with the advertising campaign, that young girl is a marvel. Terribly firm, I like that. It’s frisky.

  PHILIP: Kirsten is quite literally the best, Chief. That little lady with the cute little ass could get the Pope to sanction condom machines in confession boxes.

  CHIEF (wry): Am I to presume, Philip, that your . fancy is taken?

  PHILIP: It’s difficult not to be attracted to total excellence Chief.

  CHIEF: I don’t normally condone liaisons with contracted employees Philip. It blurs future negotiations. If you are thinking of getting involved, I beg you to ask yourself the question, could you marry her and sack her on the same day?

  PHILIP: I think partners who can’t sack each other don’t have much of a relationship, do you Chief?

  CHIEF: Well all right then. But steady laddie. Clever women take some handling. A beautiful tradesman’s entrance takes the eye, then a keen mind picks the pocket.

  PHILIP: Well Chief, I have to say that I see it
differently. There’s no room in my life for some clueless popsy with a cordon bleu cookery diploma, norkas like melons and a brain like a grape. If that makes me a feminist then I make no apologies, but I’m sorry.

  CHIEF: I suppose a lot of you young fellows are feminines these days. Personally, I’m still a bit of an old sexy myself and I don’t mind admitting it.

  PHILIP: Different generations Chief, different lifestyle requirements. If I want an attractive cocktail shaker I’ll win the corporate squash tournament and get awarded one with my name engraved on it.