Love, Cass

by St. Klaire, Stephanie

  I rolled down the rest of the windows so the cool, fresh air could smother my face and take down the puffy red, I-just-lost-my-shit-in-the-ghetto look. Liam would be home tonight. I needed to get it together. He’d know something was wrong if I didn’t play my cards right. I would tell him. But maybe not until tomorrow…after a good night’s sleep.

  - 3 -

  Two Truths and a Lie…

  “Oh my God. There you are,” Liam said as I entered our building.

  Watermark tower was a high rise building in the newer part of Portland’s Waterfront district. It was not only where we lived, but where Liam and his brothers ran their security firm — they’d acquired it as payment from one of their larger clients.

  It was odd how they conducted business — fees weren’t always paid in money, but in assets. I guess when you had more money than God, it was easier to pay your bill with a building or private island in the middle of the Caribbean. Seemed a little backward, but it was what it was. I always supposed it could have been worse and people could have paid with chickens or jam like the old TV shows about the pioneer days. I didn’t really like chicken.

  On any other day, I would say it was nice to live in the same building with the entire O’Reilly clan, but today…I wished we lived anywhere else. I was surrounded.

  The lobby was full of O’Reilly men, dressed in tactical gear hovering around maps — Liam leaning over what looked like a makeshift command station with multiple laptops. Well, he saw me. He came right for me, and the look on his face was hard to interpret. I had sensed a bit of relief and maybe a little…anger and concern? As I looked around the lobby, I noticed all the brothers wore that same look, and my heart sunk. Did they know?

  Were they upset because they somehow knew what was coming? Had Mendoza reached out despite it being against my wishes…and illegal? I braced myself, trying to keep it together. I knew this time would come, and it seemed the universe intervened on my behalf — again, and I was going to have to deal with the fall out.

  At least I wouldn’t have to find a way to break it to them. I would just have to answer their questions, and that seemed easier than telling my husband I was dying. Mendoza had done that part for me. Or had he? Liam could find out anything about anybody — perk of being a hacker. He could track any one of us at any given moment and could have easily found out I’d been at the Cancer Center.

  That would explain his concern. Suddenly, my husband’s ability to electronically track anyone no longer made me feel safe; it made me feel violated. I needed a minute to deal with this, and it seemed I wasn’t going to get that.

  “Jesus, Cass. I’ve been looking for you. Where were you?” Liam asked, pulling me into an embrace. I felt his shoulders relax as I leaned into him, like the weight of the world had just lifted. “I was so worried.”

  “I…uh…” What the hell was I supposed to say? I was hanging out in the worst part of town, alone, totally vulnerable, but don’t worry…they were more afraid of me then I was of any of them because I totally lost my shit and had the breakdown of all breakdowns because dying is hard. I’d spare him and the rest of the guys the dramatics — the cancer would be enough of a blow.

  I pulled away. “I was just out, running errands, lost track of time.”

  “Your phone is showing up on the map down by the old cannery. Says you’re still there.” His hands rested on my shoulders as he ducked down to eye level, waiting for answers. It was like he was searching my expression for the secret to life, so intense, so Liam.

  “It’s still pinging down in the Foundry District, bro,” Dace said in the distance.

  “M-My phone? The Foundry?” I asked. Something wasn’t right. Was the universe doing me a favor? All I could think in that moment was run with it. “Oh. Uh. I think I lost my phone somewhere.”

  “Yeah. It’s been there a while. We were getting geared up and heading down there,” Liam said.

  Well, that’s interesting. I hadn’t known I’d lost my phone, but I was really fucking glad I had now. I needed all the help I could get. I wasn’t ready to deal with all the whys and hows with my husband because I didn’t have my own mind wrapped around any of it just yet.

  “Oh…well, um…I’m not down there. I’m…here.” I gave him a soft chuckle while I tried to figure out what he knew, or better yet, what he didn’t know. He seemed upset I was in the Foundry and late…no mention of the big C.

  “Clearly.” He brought me in for another tight embrace. “Jesus. I thought something had happened to you. You weren’t here. You weren’t answering your phone…I was worried.”

  He didn’t know. He was just worried. He did this every now and again. In the beginning, I couldn’t go to the bathroom without him asking if I was okay, did I need anything, or should he call the doctor. I cut him a lot of slack because I wasn’t the only one who had gone through treatment the first time — he went through it too, just in a different way.

  A pinch in my chest had my attention. I knew he worried even though I was fine, or…had been fine until today. That heavy emotional sensation was flooding back in, and I couldn’t let it. Not here. Not right now. Not in front of everyone. I wasn’t ready to tell my husband, much less the entire family. The days of going to the bathroom or sneezing without an army of caretakers surrounding me would soon be coming to an end.

  This wasn’t going to destroy only him; it would touch all of them because our family was close — really close. I hadn’t prepared for how this was going to affect Liam and Reagan, much less the rest of them. I couldn’t go there. I needed to keep it together. There was something else going on here. Liam was home early, along with all the boys. Their case had wrapped sooner than expected, it seemed, and he didn’t tell me? No call. No text. No warning at all — as if I needed a warning. On any other day, I wouldn’t, but this wasn’t any other day.

  There was only one reason why he wouldn’t clue me in, and normally it would make me as giddy as a schoolgirl. Not today. There was nothing giddy about today. Why was the universe such a cross bitch? Hadn’t I had enough?

  “Well, you’re home early,” I said, trying to add a little cheer to my delivery. I was, after all, happy to see my husband. I was just surprised to see him. I’d thought I had a few hours to get into my groove before I had to face him with a really big secret. “I take it the case went well?”

  “Oh.” He put a little distance between us again. I noticed his expression lift, shifting from concern to something a little cocky. “That was a slam dunk. I planned this on purpose. I’ve been here since this morning.”

  This morning? He’d been there all day — I’ve been gone all day. Shit.

  “Planned?” I put on a smile to mask the guilt. “What exactly are you planning, O’Reilly?”

  I played along — played the part — or what I thought that role would look like had this been a regular day in the life of Cass and Liam. A day before I knew. It was hard to look back and try to find a similar moment to mimic. How did I behave the last time he did this — whatever this was? I didn’t even know. Was it a gift? Was he taking me to dinner? Did he get the latest version of some video game and he was about to geek out all weekend so he was sending me to the mountains for a girl’s weekend with Reagan and the other O’Reilly ladies?

  “Go say goodbye to your daughter, Cass.”

  I froze. There was nothing rational about my thinking in that moment — hell, there was nothing rational about my thinking the entire day. It was done and gone — my mind that was — and those words didn’t hit me right. Tears welled up, and I just froze.

  They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, and they — whoever they are — were right. As his brothers finished packing up all the tactical gear they had set up in some exaggerated rescue effort when they thought I was being held hostage at the cannery because I wasn’t answering calls, I didn’t notice the snickers or knowing grins. I didn’t notice the eerie calm of the place — certainly not a mood that would have been present had anyone really know
n. And most certainly not the mood had Liam known where I was all day and why. There wouldn’t have been smirks or chuckles. There would have been tears and a whole lot of hugging.

  None the less, I hadn’t picked up on any of the cues, read the situation entirely wrong, and I froze. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wouldn’t be no matter how much time I had left — and that hit me like a shit ton of bricks to the chest. I…didn’t…want…to say…goodbye. It was too soon. Way too soon. I wouldn’t, and he couldn’t make me.

  I was all but a sturdy foot stomp away from a full-blown toddler worthy tantrum when my eyes decided to leak. The tears flowed, and there was no stopping them. Reality: I was letting go of some pent-up emotion I hadn’t let out during my previous mental break. In that moment, however, it was the idea of letting go of my daughter before it was time. Sure, it didn’t make sense — that whole hindsight thing — why would my husband tell me to say goodbye to our daughter even if he did know? Short answer: he wouldn’t.

  “What is it, darlin’?” Liam cradled my head so he could swipe my rogue tears with the pads of his thumbs.

  His brow had that concerned furrow again. I was hurting him and didn’t even have to try. Liam, despite his size, strong physique, and ability to look so tough and rugged on the outside, was a soft-hearted man who felt everything. It was what I loved most about him. He was, dare I say it, sensitive. To everything. How I felt, how Reagan felt, how his family felt. He was compassionate and nurturing. So, when he wore that look, it was a stab to the chest because it was like he felt those tears he brushed away.

  That was my fault. And this was just the beginning. It was only going to get worse, and I didn’t know how long I could endure that — it had nearly claimed me the last time.

  “Wh-What do you mean?” I played dumb. I was getting really good at that.

  “Why are you so upset?” he deadpanned, doing that searching expression thing again. Like the answer was right there in front of him, and all I had to do was wrinkle my nose or something and the big secret would be out.

  “I’m not.” Another lie. “I’m just happy to see you — early at that. Sometimes I worry when you leave, so getting you back early is…everything.”

  “Well, the tears are a first, but I’m flattered, baby.” He pulled his mouth to mine for a quick sweet kiss. “You don’t ever have to worry. I’m surrounded by those assholes.” He tossed a thumb over his shoulder at his brothers who were making their way to the elevator. “They’re afraid of you — I’m the last one they’d let get hurt.”

  A few choice words came from the men huddled at the elevator. Despite their backs being turned to us as they waited for their ride up to their floors, they were listening.

  “As they should be,” I said as tough as I could, adding a little chuckle. “I guess I’m just a little tired.”

  Wrong answer, I thought, but it was too late to take it back.

  “Why? What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay? Should I call Mendoza?”

  “No!” I replied a little more hasty than intended. That was the last person I wanted Liam to talk to. “I mean…Reagan and I stayed up a little later than we should have, but we had a movie marathon and the mermaid just wouldn’t get her happily ever after fast enough.”

  “It’s always the damn mermaid.” Liam laughed. “That one always takes the longest.”

  “Yeah.” Yeah? Really? That was the best I could do…yeah?

  “Well, if you’re tired, you probably don’t want your surprise,” Liam teased, leading us to the elevator just as the doors started to close on the guys. “I mean, I thought it was a really good one.”

  “Surprise?” He had my attention. Liam’s surprises were always the best. He was so romantic. In the beginning, they weren’t so great — but he’d finally learned the latest version of his favorite video game just didn’t do for me what it did for him. This was something I didn’t have to try at or play a role — I was genuinely excited. “I love your surprises. Is it you being home early? Going to dinner? Catching a movie while we’re out? Oh! I know…we’re going to that theatre that serves dinner while you watch the movie! Just so you know, I’m ordering those tri-tip things and a glass of red—”

  “Well, sounds like you want to go to the movies. I’m afraid you might be a little disappointed then.” He placed his hand at the small of my back as we stepped onto the elevator. “I was thinking something a little different. Something that requires reservations, an overnight bag, and you in bed, naked, for the next three days.”

  Three days… That was the part that stood out to me. Not the romantic gesture or being naked with my guy for an extended period. This was where I would normally throw my arms around my husband’s neck while I climbed up him, wrapped my legs around his waist, and started the weekend early…in the elevator. I forced a smile, hoping it had enough sultry fire to distract him from what was really going on. Anxiety.

  I didn’t know where we were going just yet, but I knew it would be somewhere special, hence all the secrets and surprise. I should be over the moon — I lived for these special moments with Liam. Instead, I was trying to decide how I was going to get through three days. Three days of secrets. Three days of forced smiles. Three days of knowing I was dying and keeping that little detail from him.

  It wasn’t fair to either of us — especially him. It wasn’t fair to ruin the getaway before it started either. It just wasn’t fair.

  “Well?” he asked. “Don’t you want to know? Or would you rather I keep it all a secret?”

  Liam spun me around and pinned me in the corner of the elevator just before it reached our floor. “One…” he kissed me, “big…” he kissed me again, “secret.”

  That was a knife to the gut. It was clear he had no idea what I was dealing with — that I had a secret of my own — but his choice of words stabbed me over and over again to the point I could hardly breathe. Liam was clueless and had no idea the impact his words had on me. I didn’t fault him for it. This was all me. I brought this on myself and should have told him. The minute I saw him, I should have told him.

  At this point, there was no way I could tell him a thing. He’d obviously gone to great lengths to surprise me, and I couldn’t ruin it for one simple reason: this could be our last trip, our last romantic weekend, our last time to be intimate as husband and wife. He needed this. I needed this. It was time to put on my big girl panties and shove the cancer as far back in my mind as I possibly could. To let go and just feel all the things. To give my husband one final memory full of love, joy, and whatever else I could possibly pour over him in three days’ time. Because when we returned — it would all be over.

  “Fine. Where are we going? Three days makes me think…McKenzie Ridge.”

  We loved it there.

  “Nope,” he said, pleased I was wrong because that meant he’d done a good job. “Try again.”

  “That place at the beach we’ve been meaning to visit?” I asked, truly stumped.

  “Wrong again.” He dropped his mouth to mine, ignoring the ping of the elevator as we reached our floor. “Somewhere better. Somewhere we share with only each other, nobody else. Our place.”

  There was that stab again, only this time, to the heart. Our place could only be one place.

  “Pine Valley,” I whispered. “The winery.”

  Liam’s smile was contagious, I couldn’t help but match the expression. He was taking me to where it all truly began — our greatest chapter — where we started our life as husband and wife. He’d proposed to me there. We’d wed there. We’d likely conceived our daughter there because that’s where everything was magical.

  It was also, apparently, going to be where our final chapter began. The beginning of our end. What a morbid thought, but it was true. I just hoped the next three days would be enough magic to make what came next, the part before the end, bearable and survivable for Liam because I needed to know that my final act wasn’t his. There was much more life for him to live, even if it was
without me.

  - 4 -

  Calm Before the Storm…

  Three days had turned to four, threatening to become five. There was no reason to rush back to the city. Reagan was having a ball with her grandparents, and as the only grandchild, they spoiled that girl rotten. In a very good way, of course.

  We needed this time, and I was enjoying every minute. I’d managed to bury my woe’s deep and carry on as if nothing were wrong. I wish it could have always been this way. I wish time was infinite and I could live in this moment eternally. I didn’t want to face real life, just dance in the fantasy I was currently living. It was magic — as always.

  Liam made good on his promise. We spent little time out of our cottage on the vineyard grounds. We ate in most meals, some we just skipped, but finally ventured out the final night to spend a nice dinner in the main house that boasted a small, albeit quaint, restaurant. It was perfect.

  “Do we stay for one more day?” Liam asked. His eyes smoldered as they bore into me with a fiery stare.

  “Your offer is tempting, but…the kiddo is going to wonder what happened to her parents if we don’t show our faces soon.” My heart pinched in that moment, but I chose to ignore it. I didn’t want to face reality until I absolutely had to. She’d wonder all right — wonder where her mother had gone when my time was up. I pushed it down.

  “I suppose you’re right.” He agreed. “Let’s plan on coming back…soon.”

  Soon. It would have to be damn soon. I pushed that thought down too.

  “Yeah. We’ll have to see what we can work out.” That answer felt less misleading, even if it was only me, I was misleading at the moment. If Liam didn’t know, it wasn’t a fraudulent statement — that was what I told myself anyway.

  “Remember when we came here once a month for like a year straight?” Liam asked, a sly glimmer in his eye.

  Shit. I knew where he was going with this. We had come here every single month — to try to conceive. That was why we were certain Reagan was, well…made here. Part of that magic this place held for us. A sense of unease threatened as I wondered where this was going. For once in my life — okay, twice — I didn’t want to be right.