by Kristy Love
The painful realization was I couldn’t give him that. With me, he’d never be a father to his own children. He may never get a chance to father Gia, either.
I hated thinking like that. I wanted to enjoy our time together while it lasted—though I had no doubt it’d be over sooner or later. It was only a matter of time.
My baking business—though I didn’t like thinking of it that way since I was doing it because I loved it—was slowly taking off. At first, I had an odd order here or there. Now, I had an order a week, although it usually wasn’t for anything too big or fancy. I wasn’t equipped to handle wedding cakes, though I’d done a few wedding and baby showers. Every time an order came in, I was excited. I threw myself into baking for days and I felt exhilarated.
I was continually asked what the name of my bakery was. I had no idea how to answer because I didn’t consider it a bakery. I was making cookies, cakes, cupcakes, and pastries in my kitchen. I wasn’t official enough for a name.
Everything else flowed forward. Roxie’s belly expanded slowly, growing the new life inside her. The pain had subsided and had become happiness. I was so excited for this baby to come. I couldn’t wait to hold him or her in my arms and snuggle.
“No one warned me that my feet would swell.” Roxie scowled, staring at her feet as though they’d betrayed her.
I laughed at her expression. “All of you will swell.”
“Apparently my ass and boobs got the memo,” she grumbled. She grabbed fistfuls of her breasts, scowling at them. “I’ve gone up three cup sizes. I’m officially at the point of special ordering bras to cover these puppies. And don’t even get me started on my ass.”
I fought back laughter because she clearly was in discomfort. “I didn’t know your boobs could expand three cup sizes. Or your ass, for that matter.”
Roxie narrowed her eyes at me and pointed a breadstick in my face. “Listen, thin girl, I will eat you. Just because my ass has more width than your entire body, it does not give you permission to rip on my voluptuous curves.” We had gone out to lunch to catch up. Plus, Roxie’s baby shower was coming up in about six weeks and she wanted to talk about it. We came to her favorite Italian restaurant because she said she’d die without the breadsticks and ravioli. She’d put on weight, sure, but the majority of it had gone to her chest and behind. She was in a constant struggle of finding shirts to cover her cleavage and pants or shorts that didn’t highlight how much badonkadonk she really had. She’d given up and spent all her time in skirts and dresses. Her six-month pregnant belly was dwarfed by her massive breast size.
I held my hand to my chest in mock horror. “I would never rip on your curves. I mean, they could totally safety test cars on them to make sure they maneuvered around hills and bends adequately.” I bit my lip to hide my smile.
“You bitch!” Roxie threw an entire ravioli at my head as she narrowed her eyes at me. The ravioli slapped against my cheek with a gross thwack which seemed to appease her. She laughed. “Your brother loves my expanding curves.”
I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “I do not want to talk about my brother loving your curves or any other part of you, okay? As far as I’m concerned, he’s a monk.”
“Monks don’t make babies.” I glared at her. “Just saying’, honey.” She shrugged and ripped off a piece of breadstick. “And that man is definitely not a monk.” She grinned evilly at me and popped the piece of bread into her mouth. It was my turn to fight back so I threw a piece of lettuce at her and it got stuck on her nose. “Rude!”
“I don’t want to hear this! Ever!”
“I cannot believe you assaulted me with rabbit food.”
“It’s not rabbit food,” I grumbled, stirring my salad. In truth, I’d been eating so many baked goods I felt as though I was about to explode. I wanted something light for lunch, so I’d gotten a salad loaded with chicken, olives, tomatoes, and fresh mozzarella. Roxie accused me of having a conspiracy against her, to highlight how fat she was.
Clearly, the pregnancy hormones had made her lose her goddamned mind.
“Whatever. It’s rabbit food and you know it.” She took a big bite of ravioli and pointed her fork at me. “I would yell at you for eating healthy food, but you look so good I’ll let it go.”
I held my hand over my heart, pretending to be touched by her backhanded compliment. “Thank you so much.”
“Seriously,” she said, locking eyes with me. “You look good. You have color in your skin, meat on your bones, and your hair looks fabulous. Roman has been pumping you full, huh?” She winked at me.
“You are unbelievable!”
“Unbelievably sexy.” She grinned. “He’s been good for you. You’re happier, not living at the hospital, eating more, and not locked up in your house. There are no complaints from me at all.”
“I’m glad we meet your approval, oh grand master, Roxie.” I rolled my eyes.
“Damn right. I am the master. And don’t you ever forget it.” She laughed. “It’s good to see you this way. I’m sure it helps Gia, too.”
“I hope so.” I picked at my salad. The reports from the doctors hadn’t changed when it came to Gia. No improvement whatsoever. It was hard to keep hope up when nothing ever changed. “So, this cake,” I said, changing the subject. I couldn’t talk about Gia right now. Her condition was a constant weight on my heart and I didn’t want to be dragged down right now. “What kind did you want?”
She groaned. “It’s so hard to be a fat bitch because I want all the cakes.”
“What if I did cupcakes in multiple flavors? I could do all different flavors of icing and even have some with fruit fillings.”
Roxie’s eyes widened and she sat forward in her chair. “Could you do a chocolate buttercream type filling?”
“Absolutely.”
“Could I have a batch of those for my own? To take home and not share with anyone?”
“Sure,” I said, laughing.
“I’m serious. If your brother touches them, I’ll cut off his dick.” She nodded her head as if that made her words even more serious. “He keeps trying to come between me and my baked goods, Mia. Shit is not going well.”
“Why is he coming between you and your goodies?”
“The baby’s health,” she said mockingly, as though that weren’t a valid concern. “I mean, the baby loves frosting. You should feel the kicks and somersaults that happen after I eat cake.”
“It’s called sugar shock.”
“Not you, too.” She glared at me. “I don’t eat it every day. Or even every week. But sometimes I want some sweetness and he becomes a major asshole.”
“Tell him to back off.”
“Well . . .” Her voice trailed off and her eyes dropped to her plate. Something was clearly going on. “There’s more to it.”
“Yeah?”
“We’re thinking of going to Vegas and eloping before the baby comes.”
I jerked as if I’d been shocked. “Eloping? Is that something you want to do?”
“Honestly, yes. I’m not interested in the fancy dress or the flowers. I just want to be with David for the rest of my life. I want to have a family with him and be his, you know?”
God, did I know. “Absolutely.”
“I’m just not sure.”
“About?”
Her eyes came to mine and I saw the conflict in them. “You. We both want you there. We want all of our friends there, but we can’t ask you to leave Gia behind.”
My heart sank. Could I travel across the country and leave Gia in the hospital? What if something happened to her? What if she woke up and I was thousands of miles away? Panic rose at the thought of it. “I don’t know, Rox.” I couldn’t imagine my brother getting married without me there, but I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby girl here all alone.
“It’s too much to ask, I know.” She sank back in her chair. I hated disappointing her. I wanted to join in the excitement and celebrate with them, but it caused too much anxiety.
“It’s not too much to ask. With Gia, though . . . I’m just not sure I can leave her.”
“Maybe she’ll wake up and be able to come too,” she said. Even her words didn’t sound convincing.
“She’d be thrilled to watch her Uncle David get married.” Sadness stabbed through my heart. Would she be present at that special day? And if she was, would she really understand what was going on?
“David would love for her to be there.” Roxie smiled, though it was sad.
I hated that this was our reality.
The rest of the lunch conversation continued on, dancing around sensitive subjects, though the sorrow hung in the air around us. We parted with hugs and smiles as she went home to her loving boyfriend. I went to the cold and sterile hospital to see my baby girl.
* * *
I curled up in bed, watching a TV show. I had no idea which show it was or what was happening. I didn’t particularly care; I just wanted the people and the voices on the screen to chase away some of the loneliness. The house felt empty and cold. Roman was working. I was alone. I’d spent such a long time alone. It used to be something I loved, something I craved. Now I hated it. It felt as if the walls were closing in on me and the silence was engulfing me in its arms and crushing me.
It didn’t help that things had been weird with Roman in the last few days. Instead of spending nights together, he wanted to go back to his place. Alone. He’d been quiet and withdrawn. He hadn’t wanted to come with me to the hospital; instead, he stayed home and went to bed.
Had I cursed us because I’d been optimistic? Was he done with me?
There had been a few more times when he mumbled Laura’s name in his sleep. Laura. I had no idea who that was and I wasn’t brave enough to ask. Now that he’d put more distance between us, I couldn’t help but worry that she was someone I should be concerned about. Maybe she was who he was really in love with. Had she come back into the picture?
Would I ever get the courage to ask these questions?
I checked my phone screen again to see if Roman had texted me back. I hadn’t texted him about anything in particular, just to see how he was doing. I wanted some kind of connection with him, some kind of answer. I worried I wouldn’t get one.
How could things fall apart so quickly?
As the night continued on, my eyes grew heavy and I fought sleep. Nighttime was the worst. The shadows on the walls were ghosts of my past mistakes playing out. The darkness hid memories of Brock. The silence brought back his insults and the screams from that horrific night. The image of Gia’s eyes, wide in fear came back, causing me to fly out of bed.
I couldn’t do this. Not tonight. Not any night.
I didn’t want to be alone, but who could I call? David and Roxie had each other. Ry had her husband, Will, and her kids. I didn’t often speak to the other women. Harper had her own life, as did Courtney and Cassie. It wasn’t right to call them out of the blue and expect them to deal with me on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
I went downstairs and curled up on the couch. Headlights passed outside the window and I heard the murmur of people talking outside. Somehow, just that little bit soothed me and I fell asleep, clutching a blanket to my chin.
I dreamed of Brock and the night of the car accident. The things he said to me and the way Gia cried in the backseat.
When I woke, I felt I hadn’t slept a wink. I ached all over and my heart felt beat up. How long would I have to relive that night? Was that my punishment? Brock was able to walk away as if nothing happened, but I paid the price every day.
I picked up my phone and saw that I had a text from Roman. He’d texted a half hour ago.
Roman: On my way home now. Crazy shift on the bus. Going home to crash. See you later.
My heart shredded even more. Was I really losing him this way?
Me: Is everything okay?
Roman: Yeah. Just tired.
Me: Do you want to come here? Or I could come there?
My phone fell silent and my heart sank. He really didn’t want to see me.
I got up and went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and a granola bar. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty, but I needed to do something. I needed something to distract me from my shattering heart.
Fifteen minutes later—finally—I got a text from Roman.
Roman: I’m home now if you want to come over.
I debated for all of ten seconds before I slipped outside and rushed to his house. As soon as he opened the door, I threw myself into his arms. Maybe I should have played it subtler, been more aloof, but I couldn’t. I needed to feel the connection to someone else.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I had a really, really bad night.”
“Do you need anything?”
“You’re exhausted. I just wanted to see you before you slept.”
“I have time for you.” His hand cradled my chin and tipped my face up to his. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked worn out.
“I had nightmares about Brock and the accident all night.”
“I’m sorry.” His thumbs stroked my cheeks.
“I don’t know how to ask this without just coming out and saying it. I can’t handle the uncertainty. I need a straight answer.” His brows furrowed. “Are you done with me? Do you want to end things between us?”
“No. Why would you think that?”
“Because you’ve been distant. You haven’t wanted to be around me as much as you used to.”
He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering there. “I’m going through some things right now. I don’t mean to push you away.”
“Go through it with me, Roman.” My eyes stung as tears sprang free. “You’ve been going through so much with me, you’ve been here for me when I’ve felt I was falling apart. Why can’t you reach out to me instead of pushing me away?”
His thumb stroked away a single tear before he pulled away from me. “Because there are some things I can’t talk about, Mia. Things I can’t share.”
“Even with me?”
“Especially with you.”
I gasped, pain ricocheting through me. I felt it echo throughout my hollow body and break my heart. Every single crack Roman had repaired cracked open again. My chin wobbled as I fought back the sobs that threatened to destroy the rest of me. “Why?” It came out strangled around the lump that had nearly closed off my throat.
Roman sighed as though I was bothering him. “Some things you don’t need to know, Mia.”
“I’ve shared everything with you. You’ve met my daughter. You’ve held me when I cried. You’ve been there when I was pissed off at David. I’ve let you in.” I blinked as more tears fell. I clutched my hand to my chest, wishing I could stop the pain. It hurt so badly it was hard to pull breath into my lungs. It felt as if my chest was ready to implode.
“You aren’t strong enough for this burden.”
I narrowed my eyes, anger building. Anger was better than hurt. It was safer. “I’m not strong enough? Haven’t I been through enough to show you that I’m strong?”
He shifted his weight and closed his eyes. “You’ve been through enough, period. You don’t need to take on my burden as well.”
“That’s what a relationship is. You take on each other’s problems to make it easier to manage.” I backed up a few steps, realizing something. “I’m not enough for you. That’s what it is. I was a distraction from Laura, wasn’t I?” Saying her name out loud caused pain and my throat to close, but I had to address it. Right now.
As soon as her name was out of my mouth, Roman flinched as though the word struck him. He stumbled back a few steps. “What?”
“You say her name in your sleep. Is that who you’re really in love with? Is that who you wish you were with? Not poor, pathetic, broken Mia?”
“Don’t you say her name,” he said, his voice damn close to a growl. “You don’t get to say her name.”
I’d been shot by his words. They ripped a hol
e in my chest and almost killed me. I stumbled back to the door, gripping the doorknob to keep myself upright. I pulled in deep breaths to keep his words from depriving me of oxygen. Had I been the other woman?
God. I’d stooped to a new low.
I turned and fled. I ran back to my house, collapsed against the door, and sobbed into my hands. Pieces of me broke off and shattered against the floor. I rocked back and forth, trying to stop the flow of pain, but it kept coming in waves that took my breath away. I wasn’t sure I would make it from one second to the next. Eventually, I slumped to my side, curled into the fetal position and stayed there.
I’d have to pull myself up and dust myself off. Not for my sake; I had nothing left. But for Gia. I needed to be there for her, but I wasn’t sure I was capable of it right now.
Right now I was barely capable of existing.
CHAPTER 21
Roman
I PACED MY HOUSE, ANGRY at myself. Adrenaline pumped through me and anger bubbled inside me, erasing the exhaustion I’d felt only moments ago. How dare she demand answers she didn’t deserve to know? Hearing Laura’s name come from her mouth . . . It sent me over the edge. Rage and exhaustion mixed with the desperation and sorrow I’d been feeling for days caused careless word to fall from my mouth.
I ripped at my hair as I tried to calm myself. Emotions brewed inside of me, making my stomach feel like a boiling pot. I climbed the stairs two at a time, and turned the shower on. As soon as I stepped in, I turned it on as hot as I could without permanent damage to my skin. It burned and I let a breath hiss between my teeth at the sting.
My body felt like a coiled spring, ready to snap at any moment. I punched the tiled wall. It didn’t ease the torment inside me, so I punched it again. Before I knew it, I’d punched the wall so many times my knuckles split open. Blood mixed with the cascading water and swirled down the drain.
It didn’t stop the pain inside me.
Nothing would.
I washed up, bandaged my hand, and crawled into bed. Sleep claimed me quickly, giving me a reprieve from my thoughts and myself.