by Kristy Love
When I woke, it was dark outside. I’d slept like the dead, not moving and not dreaming. For a few blissful seconds, I forgot everything. The world was right. My life wasn’t in shambles. I blinked once, twice, three times and reality crashed down on my shoulders. I staggered as if a physical weight had crushed me.
This time of year was always painful. This year, it was worse. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through my contacts. I landed on a name. Jessie. I debated with myself for a few minutes before pressing the call button.
“Roman?” she said, sounding shocked. “Is that you?”
“Hey, Jess.”
“Ro—” Her voice caught in her throat. “It’s been so long.”
“I know.”
“Are you . . . How are you doing?”
“I’m . . . hanging in there. How are you?”
“I’m good. It’s hard right now.”
Silence hung between us as I listened to her sniffle. A lump threatened to close off my throat. I’d always loved Jessie. She’d been my best friend for so many years. But when my life went to shit, I cut everyone out. “It is.”
“Are you . . . doing anything for the anniversary?” She cleared her throat.
“I’m not sure what to do this year.”
“You should come home, Ro.”
“You know I can’t do that, Jess.” I couldn’t. Seeing those roads and that town . . . It wouldn’t do anything but depress me more than I already was. I couldn’t handle seeing the people.
“Then let me come visit you. Please. I miss you so much.”
“Jess . . .”
“It’s been three years. Three years since I’ve seen you. Please.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” In all honesty, it’d be good to see a friendly face, someone I didn’t have to hide from. Maybe she was exactly what I needed.
“Pull your head out of your ass and give me your address. How long would it take me to get there?”
I did some mental calculations. “Ten hours, depending.”
“Then I’ll be there by morning.”
“Fine.” I told her where I lived.
“I expect pancakes. And bacon.”
“I’ll see you soon, Jess.”
We hung up and I got out of bed. I still felt tired, but I needed some water. I got a drink, guzzled it down, then refilled it and gulped more. Then I went back up to bed and collapsed.
* * *
“Roman!” Jessie screamed from outside, banging on the door. I jerked awake and bolted out of bed. I ran downstairs as she kept pounding on the door and yelling. I was afraid a neighbor would call the cops. “Roman, get your punk ass up and open this fucking door right now!”
I opened the door, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. “Would you shut the fuck up, Jess?” Luckily, it looked like no one was outside. I yanked her inside and slammed the door. “Do you always have to be so damn obnoxious?”
She grinned. “It’s good to see you feel comfortable enough around me to let it all hang out.” She nodded toward my boxer briefs, which was the only article of clothing I wore.
“You’ve seen worse.”
She cackled, though it sounded rather evil. “I’ve seen you in positions I never wanted to see a man in, Ro.”
“Ha fucking ha.” I plodded to the kitchen and pulled out the supplies to make Jess the breakfast she required.
She hopped up on a stool and rested her elbows on the counter. “How have you been doing? For real. No more bullshit answers.”
I usually loved that Jessie cut to the chase, but I hated when she used her powers against me. I didn’t want to spill my guts, but I knew I needed to talk. Otherwise, she’d be like a dog with a bone, hounding me until I finally gave up all the details. “You know this time of year is hard on me.”
She put her chin in her palm. “I’d know it was hard on you if you hadn’t cut me out of your life.”
“You know that wasn’t what I wanted to do.”
“Then why did you? It wasn’t bad enough that you moved so far away, but you went radio silent, too.” Her face was painted in hurt and confusion. “We were best friends, Roman. You lost Laura, but I lost my sister. Then I lost my best friend. I had no one.”
Jessie and I became best friends in kindergarten, pretty much on the first day. She walked up to me, introduced herself, and declared that we’d be best friends forever. It had been true all this time. She was there for me through both of my parents’ deaths, breakups, makeups . . . and Laura’s death. She talked me into training to be a fire medic because she knew that’s what I really wanted to do, even when my dad wanted me to go to college and get a degree. She encouraged me to follow my dreams.
I was there for Jessie when she came out to her family. In fact, she demanded I sit next to her and hold her hand. Her family thought we were there to tell them I knocked her up, not that she was a lesbian. She cried in my arms when her dad was less than accepting. When she found her partner, we were at the club together. We went on double dates and she was the best woman at my wedding. We’d always been thick as thieves . . . until Laura died.
I’d pushed everyone away, though it took me two years to shake Jessie loose. She put up a fight until I moved away and didn’t tell her. It was amazing that she was here now. But that had always been Jessie. She was quick to forgive and always there. I’d fucked up a lot in our friendship and she had to forgive me a lot. It shouldn’t surprise me that now was one of those times, but it did. By all accounts, she shouldn’t be here now. She should be bitching me out for being such a shitty friend.
“It’s hard . . . without Laura here.”
Her eyes softened. “Yeah. Every day it feels like the wound is new.”
“You’d think after five years it’d get easier; you know? But it’s not easier. Sometimes it feels harder.” I flipped the bacon and checked to see if the griddle was preheated.
“Trust me, I know. I still cry a lot. Especially around now.”
“I met someone,” I blurted out. The words came out before I even knew I was thinking them. Wasn’t that why I called her though? I needed her to tell me that being with Mia was a mistake, a betrayal. I needed to hear it from her to confirm what I was already telling myself.
She jerked backwards, her eyes widening. “You met someone?” she asked, though her words were breathless.
“I didn’t mean it to happen, it just . . . did.” I hated myself. I hated that I was putting her through this. I wasn’t only betraying Laura, I was betraying Jessie.
“Tell me about her.”
I stared at her, her words making their way through my brain as I tried to make sense of what she was saying. “Her name’s Mia. She lives next door.”
Jessie snorted and rolled her eyes. “God, Roman. Do you always have to be such a fucking cliché?”
“What?”
“You. You’re a walking cliché. Tall, dark, and handsome. A hot firefighter and paramedic. Marry your high school sweetheart right out of high school, who happens to be your best friend’s sister. I mean, come on. Could you be any worse?” I couldn’t think of a retort, so I simply stared at her. “So, this next door Mia. Is there anything else about her?”
I found myself spewing details about Mia. “She was beautiful. Sometimes I’d find myself pinching myself. Was this girl really here with me? And she was so damn sweet. Her heart was so big, so full of love. And sadness.” I told her about Gia and her ex-asshole, the accident.
“You’re talking in past tense.”
“Huh?”
“Her heart was big. She was beautiful. She was so damn sweet.”
“It’s over now.”
“Then why bring it up?”
I took the bacon out of the pan and laid it on a paper towel covered plate. I’d finished the pancakes and turned off the burners. I kept my eyes off Jessie, knowing she’d see right through me. “Because I think I love her.”
“Oh, Roman.” Jessie stood up and wrapped her arms around me. My eyes
stung. When did I become a crier? I hadn’t cried since Laura’s funeral. Jessie held me as I fought against my own tears, trying hard to keep my emotions in check. I’d never admitted my feelings out loud, not to anyone. I’d never even admitted them to myself. And here I was, in the arms of my best friend I hadn’t seen in years, as I tried to come to terms with the fact that I loved Mia.
“I fucked up, Jess.”
“I’d say so.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m betraying Laura.”
“You aren’t betraying Laura. She’d want you to move on with your life and be happy, not live with her ghost stopping you from finding happiness.”
“Yeah?”
“Absolutely. She loved you, Roman. Deeply. She wouldn’t want you to deny yourself a chance at love because she died. She’d want you to make a new life, move on, and be happy. If Mia makes you happy, then get her back.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“I’ve seen you do some things I thought were downright impossible. Surely, winning back your next door Mia is one of them.” I told her what I did, how I pushed Mia away, hurting her badly. I was rewarded with a slap across the back of my head. “Clearly you can’t adult for yourself, Roman. Jesus. I can’t believe you right now.”
“I was exhausted. I’d just come off a twenty-four-hour shift. I’d been struggling with the anniversary of Laura’s death. I’d been distancing myself from Mia anyway, sure I was somehow in the wrong. When she said Laura’s name, I lost it. I didn’t mean to hurt her, it just . . . happened.” She slapped me again, this time harder. “What the fuck, Jess?” I rubbed the back of my head.
She shrugged. “It was an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened.”
“Funny.”
“You need to patch things up with her.”
“Her life is so complicated already. She doesn’t need someone like me making it worse.”
Jessie sighed and grabbed my face in her hands. “Stop being such a fucking loser, Ro. Be honest with her. Tell her what’s going on. Tell her why you reacted the way you did. Tell her how you feel. Put all your cards on the table and then see what happens. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll give you another chance. If not, then you’re an even bigger fuckup than I thought you were.”
“What did I do without you all these years, Jessie? You’re basically my life coach.”
“You tell me, honey. Now feed me and fill me in on the rest of your pathetic excuse of a life.”
I chuckled as I got us both plates. The rest of breakfast was spent catching up with Jessie, and I wondered why I ever pushed her out of my life in the first place.
* * *
Jessie and I sat on the couch, each holding a beer. Baseball was on the TV though neither of us paid it much attention. My eyes tracked the movement of a Nationals player as he moved around the bases.
“So, you’re still with Sherry?” I asked, taking a sip of my beer.
“Yeah. We’ve talked about getting engaged.”
“No shit?” I tipped my head toward her. She didn’t take her eyes off the TV though. Baseball had always been her favorite sport, even though I loved hockey more. We had spent hours debating which sport was better.
“Yeah. It’s been seven years. It’s probably time. If we were a straight couple, our families would be putting on the pressure for us to get married and start a family.”
“Is that something you want? To start a family?”
“I’m not sure.” She shrugged, looking at me quickly. “Adoption is hard for same-sex couples. I have no desire to be pregnant. Sherry is on the fence.”
“You should decide that before you get married.”
“We’re discussing it. Hence, us talking about getting engaged.” She took a long pull of her beer. “I can’t imagine not being with her, you know? We’ve been together since we were nineteen. She completes me.”
“Then do it. Don’t let her get away.”
She grinned. “I totally have a ring picked out for her already. She doesn’t know, but she’s eyed it several times.”
I held out my beer and she clinked her bottle against mine. “Congrats.”
“That means you get to be my best man.”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
“Are you ready to grovel and make up with Mia?”
I picked at the label on my beer. “I don’t know how to go about it.”
“Again with the clichés. Asking your gay best friend to help you solve things with your woman.” She shook her head as if I were her biggest disappointment. “Talk to her. That’s all you have to do.”
I grunted noncommittally. Jessie handled shit as soon as it came up. If there was an issue, she attacked it head on. She didn’t believe in letting things hang in the air.
“Don’t pull that shit with me, Roman Haynes. Get your head out of your ass and contact her. Don’t let it become something bigger than it is already. How long has it been?”
“Three days.”
“Fucker. Pick up the phone.” She picked my phone up off the couch and waved it in my face.
I took it from her and stared at it, trying to decide what to do. I pulled up the text screen and thought about what to say. How did you apologize after being such a colossal asshole?
“No way. You are not bitching out and sending her a text, you asshole.” She took the phone from my hand and called Mia, then handed it back. I pressed it to my ear as it rang and rang. Her voicemail picked up, though it was a generic greeting so I couldn’t even hear her voice. My heart sank. It’d be nice to at least hear her. It punctuated how much I missed her.
“Hey, Mia,” I said, clearing my throat. “I wanted to talk to you. So, uh, give me a call whenever you get a chance. Or stop over. Whichever is more convenient. Bye.”
As soon as I ended the call, Jessie collapsed onto her side, laughing. “‘So, uh, give me a call,’” she cackled. “Adorable, Roman. I never thought I’d see the day where you were a fumbling fool.”
“Shut up.”
“It’s okay, Ro. Everyone gets a little heartsick sometimes. It’s your turn.”
Had I ever been heartsick like this over Laura? From the moment I met her, things went smoothly. We fell in love and never fell out of it. That made it even harder to say goodbye to her. I never felt heartsick over her because we were always together.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Everything about my relationship with Mia made me question everything with Laura. Was it possible to love someone after already giving your heart away?
* * *
Jessie was packing up to leave. She’d stayed four days and really helped make me feel better. She’d put things in perspective, though I still struggled with a lot of guilt and confusion. “Are you coming to visit me next time, Ro?”
“Yep.”
“And you’ll have Mia with you, right?”
“Of course.” Though I doubted it. She hadn’t called me back and it’d been over twenty-four hours.
“Stop bullshitting me, Ro.”
“Whatever you say, Jess.”
She groaned. “You are annoying; you know that?”
“I’ve heard the rumor a time or two.”
“Whatever.” She slung her book bag over her shoulder and walked toward the front door. “It’s good to see you. Don’t wait so many years between calls this time, yeah?”
“Regular phone calls and texts. You’ll hear from me so often, you’ll get sick of me.”
“Aww, you do care.” She wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back, glad that I’d pulled my head out of my ass and contacted her. It was good to have her back in my life. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Really soon.”
“Great.” Before she could leave, the doorbell rang. “Who could that be?” She smiled and pulled open the door. Of course Mia was on the other side. She forced a smile and stood there, wringing her hands. “You must be Mia,” Jessie said.
&nb
sp; “Hey. Yeah.” Her eyes flicked from Jessie to me.
“I’ve heard so much about you. I’m Jessie, Roman’s best friend.”
Mia relaxed, though she was still tense. “It’s nice to meet you.” Her smile was genuine, yet still cautious.
“I’m just heading out, but I hope sometime soon we can hang out for real.” Jessie walked out the door, then turned back to me. “I’ll catch you later, Ro.”
I waved, leaving my eyes on Mia. She looked sad, though she tried to hide it. I knew her well enough to see she was struggling. Jessie left and the tension in the air crackled between us. “Come in,” I said. Mia walked in.
“I got your message,” she said, her voice small.
“I’m glad.”
“What did you have to say?”
I took a deep breath, trying to brace myself for what was coming. “Do you want to sit down? Have something to drink?”
“I’d rather you just say what you had to say.” She walked farther into the house, stopping near the couch. She crossed her arms over her chest.
I followed after her, not sure exactly what to say. The words felt as if they were there, on the tip of my tongue, but they wouldn’t come out. I rubbed my chin, hoping to jar them loose. “I’m sorry.” She nodded. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I could rationalize it or make excuses, but you deserve better than that. I was an asshole. Even if I was tired, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Again, she nodded, making this harder than it needed to be. I wished she’d say something, anything.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I needed to lay it out on the line, to tell her everything. She’d let me in and it was time I let her in, showed her I trusted her. I sat on the couch, resting my elbows on my knees. I braced myself, not sure what her reaction would be. “I lost my wife.” She sucked in a harsh breath and sank onto the couch. Her fist went to her mouth. “She was in a gas station and someone came in to rob it.”
I shrugged as though it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. It was everything. Even after all these years, it hurt. It hurt like hell to say it out loud. Everyone else in my life knew, had been there when it happened. Having to explain it felt kind of like experiencing it all over again, though the ache wasn’t as bad as it was back then. I wasn’t sure if it would ever stop hurting. “The guy saw her back by the coolers grabbing a Coke, and he shot her in the head. She didn’t have a chance.”