Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...

by Lacey London

  Watching him with my mouth wide open, I almost miss the pretty blonde women giggling as they link arms and follow the boy inside the house. They look so similar, they must be mother and daughter. One by one, lights appear in the windows as they make themselves at home.

  ‘Gavin!’ One of the blonde women shout from inside the house. ‘Don’t forget to bring the shopping in from the boot.’

  A shadow in the car nods and I feel my heart pound in my chest.

  I wasn’t expecting this. Well, I don’t exactly know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it. He has a whole new life. He has a proper family. He’s moved on.

  The sound of a car door slamming makes me visibly jump as the driver’s door swings open. Holding my breath, I stare at the man whose genes I am made up of. I don’t recognise him. I always thought that I would if I ever saw him, but this man could be anyone. He’s not that tall, has thinning hair and extremely heavyset shoulders. He looks so much younger than the man I pictured. Granted he is only sixteen years older than me, but I thought he would be more dad-like. Older, wiser and most certainly more familiar. He is literally ten feet away from me, but he couldn’t look less familiar if he tried.

  Leaning on the steering wheel for a closer look, I pull down my hood and press my face against the windscreen. Accidentally hitting the horn, I swear out loud as Gavin turns around and stares right at me. Completely paralyzed with fear, I freeze in my seat as he closes the driver’s door and makes his way over to my car.

  Not daring to breathe, I stare directly ahead as he taps on the window. With trembling fingers, I press the controls and slowly turn my head to face him.

  ‘Are you alright?’ He asks, in a thick Manchester accent. ‘You know there’s no through road down here anymore, don’t you?’

  Staring into his eyes, eyes that feel completely alien to me, I resort to a slow shake of the head. There’s just nothing, no connection, no emotion. How can he not know who I am? I am inches from his face and he doesn’t have a clue of my identity. I told you earlier about my secret fantasy, the one where my dad has always watched me from afar? Well, now it’s pretty obvious it was exactly that, a fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less. This man doesn’t have a pang of unexplained fatherly love for me. He just thinks I’m a rather suspicious looking woman sat in a hoody and casing his house.

  Starting to walk away, he pauses in the middle of the road before coming back towards me. Every muscle in my body stiffens as he pulls his brow into a frown.

  ‘Are you sure you’re alright?’ Leaning into the car, he squints at me with a concerned expression on his face.

  This man isn’t who I’m looking for. I can feel it inside. Gate-crashing his family for absolutely no reason is not the answer to my problems. It isn’t going to make me happy or give me the fulfilment I need, it’s just going to open a can of worms that will be impossible to close.

  ‘I’m fine.’ I fire up the engine and release the handbrake. ‘Thank you for asking.’

  Smiling back at me, he taps his hand on the bonnet and steps to the side as I do a quick U-turn in the street. Not looking back, I put my foot on the accelerator and fire off into the distance. A sense of emptiness settles over me as the sat nav directs me back home. I haven’t wanted to admit it to myself, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. They say home is where the heart is, only my heart has been hollow for quite some time.

  Spencer broke me. He actually broke my heart in two, but in true Sadie style I had to hide the way I feel from the world. The longer I kept it inside, the easier it became to ignore, but now all the pain I have kept buried is making a bid for freedom. It wants to be heard. It wants to be acknowledged.

  I’ve tried to throw myself into my work, but even that has fallen flat. All my efforts to create a solid reputation as an artist have boiled down to an apology and a list of possibilities. Possibilities which never materialised. I’m a failure. Every aspect of my life is falling apart. I’ve buried my head in the sand and tried to pretend that it isn’t happening, but the truth is, this isn’t a dress rehearsal.

  I can’t hit rewind and start all over again. I can’t fast forward to the point where everything falls into place. This is my life and right now, I don’t know whether I want to fight for it anymore…

  THE EYE OF THE TORNADO

  Chapter 10

  I haven’t slept all night, not even for an hour. My pillow is saturated with tears, my face hurts from crying and my body physically aches. I feel so empty, so low and just so worthless. Since I arrived back at the apartment yesterday evening, I’ve had an awful churning in my stomach, a sensation of dread I just can’t explain. At first I thought it was the shock of coming face-to-face with my biological father, but that’s not it. Discovering my dad has a whole new family is just the tip of the iceberg.

  Feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes once more, I curl up into the foetal position and try to shut out the world. I have nothing to get up for. No fiancé, no job, no roommate. No one is going to miss me for just one day. Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, I hold my finger on the off button until the screen bounces to black. I don’t want to be bothered by anyone today. For the next twenty-four hours, I just want to be alone.

  Letting out a silent sob, I bury my face into the pillow and wrap my arms around my knees. My chest feels heavy as I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, desperately wanting to disappear into the soft duvet.

  ‘Shirley?’ I hear the door squeak open and Aldo’s voice drift inside. ‘Shirley, are you here?’

  Reluctantly poking my head out of the sheets, I force a smile and push myself into a sitting position.

  ‘Heavy night?’ Raising his eyebrows at my appearance, he throws himself onto the bed and produces a brown paper bag.

  ‘I’m not hungover…’ I manage, shaking my head as he offers me a plastic box.

  ‘You’re kidding, right? I walked all the way from Edward’s place for this!’ Aldo tears off the paper and hands me a plastic fork. ‘Eat it.’

  Begrudgingly accepting the box, I look down at the avocado and eggs sceptically.

  ‘You look like shit.’ He remarks, grabbing a pillow and wedging it behind his head. ‘What did you do last night?’

  ‘I went to see my dad…’ I reply, not a hint of emotion in my voice.

  Pausing with a bagel halfway to his mouth, Aldo stares at me incredulously. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

  Really not wanting to discuss it, I take a tiny bite of grilled bread and turn away from him.

  ‘Shirley?’ Aldo persists, his eyes wide with shock.

  Realising that he isn’t going to drop it, I lick my dry lips before responding. ‘He didn’t know who I was. It’s not a big deal…’

  ‘It’s a huge deal!’ He whispers, clearly shocked to the core. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  Shrugging my shoulders, I push the box away and sigh heavily. ‘I don’t really know. I guess I just had a yearning.’

  ‘You should have told me!’ Aldo’s brow creases into a frown as he polishes off the last of his breakfast. ‘How do you feel?’

  ‘I don’t really feel anything. He was just a guy. I won’t be going back. I just want to draw a line under it and move on.’ Suddenly remembering I have last night’s makeup on, I reach for my cleanser and make an attempt at changing the subject.

  ‘So, you’re moving in with Edward?’ I grab a mirror and rub at my eyes with a cotton pad.

  ‘Listen, Shirley, I didn’t want you to find out like that.’ Aldo drops the now empty paper bag into the bin and rolls onto his side, studying my face carefully. ‘Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving, because you know you can tell me if you’re not?’

  ‘Of course I am okay with it!’ I reply enthusiastically, silently begging him not to go. ‘I’m very happy for you.’

  ‘Nothing will change.’ He leans across and tickles me playfully. ‘We will still hang out all the time. I’ll only be a phone call away…’

 
; Managing a sad smile, I nod in response and try not to tear up again. ‘Like I said, I’m happy for you…’ Unable to stop it, my voice trails off into a series of sobs as Aldo looks at me in bewilderment.

  ‘What’s with you today?’ He laughs nervously and pulls me towards him. ‘Hey, I saw Ivy in the village…’ Aldo twists my hair off my face and reaches for his mobile. ‘Why don’t I give her a call and see if she wants to come over? That might cheer you up a little…’

  ‘No!’ I yell, louder than I intend to. ‘Do not call Ivy!’

  Last night’s events hit me like a blow to the stomach as Aldo waits for me to elaborate, a bewildered expression on his face. ‘What’s going on with Ivy?’

  Holding my head in my hands, I try to play it down. ‘It’s Spencer...’

  ‘Spencer?’ He interrupts, even more confused than he was a moment ago. ‘What’s Spencer got to do with Ivy?’

  ‘They’ve been talking…’ The words make me wince as I spit them out.

  It turns out that I don’t need to say another word, as the look on his face tells me he knows exactly what I mean.

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding me?’ Aldo’s voice is thunderous as he sits bolt upright. ‘I leave you for one night and all hell breaks loose! What the hell are they playing at?’

  My cheeks flush as blood rushes to my face in embarrassment. ‘They’re both adults. They’re both single. Just leave them to it. I don’t want to say another word about it…’

  Aldo doesn’t respond and as a result we fall into an unbearable silence. This is exactly what I didn’t need today. Just as I am about to suggest that Aldo leaves me alone for a little while, he clears his throat and stands to his feet.

  ‘Let’s go for a walk.’ Tossing me a towel, he disappears into my bathroom and turns on the shower.

  ‘I don’t want to go for a walk.’ I grumble, recognizing that I am on the verge of tears once more.

  ‘I don’t care.’ With a stern scowl, he flicks on the light and ushers me into the en-suite. ‘Get in the shower, you can’t go out in public looking like that.’

  Not being able to argue with the fact that I look like death, I roll out of bed and grab some clean clothes from the wardrobe. I’ve known Aldo for long enough to know that he won’t give up and leave me alone. I might as well just pacify him and get it over with.

  ‘Give me ten minutes.’ I grumble, slipping inside the bathroom and letting the door close behind me.

  The sound of water thundering out of the shower head drowns out his response as I strip down to my birthday suit. Grabbing a hair tie, I catch my reflection staring solemnly back at me in the mirror. My eyes are red from crying and the dark circles beneath them age me by at least ten years. Taking a step closer, an image of my dad flashes through my mind. I don’t look anything like him. Taking in my facial features, I try to find even a slight resemblance to the man I saw yesterday.

  Eventually giving up, I stick a hand under the running water before stepping inside the cubicle. My muscles automatically tense up as the powerful stream pummels into my skin. Tilting back my head, I allow the water to wash over me before it crashes down onto the tiles.

  A small tornado forms around the plug hole and I find myself hoping beyond hope that it would take my anguish with it…

  Chapter 11

  Branches crunch below my feet as I follow Aldo’s trail in the mass of brown leaves covering the ground. Due to the sudden drop in temperature, there’s no one else around, resulting in Aldo and I having the entire forest to ourselves. The bare trees tremble in the wind as I bury my face into the collar of my coat for warmth. During the summer months, this is one of my favourite places in the world, but when raindrops are landing on your nose it doesn’t quite have the same effect.

  Pausing for breath, I spot Aldo ahead and raise my hand in

  acknowledgment. He smiles broadly and flashes me the thumbs up sign. Continuing up the hill, I shove my hands in my pockets and try to pull myself together for Aldo’s sake. He has tried so hard to cheer me up, I can’t bring myself to admit that I feel worse than I did last night. I might have managed to fix my face into something that resembles a smile, but inside my heart is hurting.

  ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ Aldo points to the magnificent view below as I come to a stop next to him.

  Nodding in response, I take in the scene in front of me. A sea of green stretches out as far as the eye can see, gently kissing the rolling hills in the distance. The cloud-covered sky wraps the panoramic vista in a protective blanket, shielding it from the rest of the world.

  Dropping my backpack, I sit cross-legged on the rock and take a deep breath. Usually this blows me away, but today I just feel empty. It’s like its lost its magic, its shine. Beauty is all around me, but I just can’t bring myself to appreciate it. Not the mountain of fallen leaves, not the sprawling landscape, not even the sight of birds dancing overhead can bring me to smile and mean it.

  I catch Aldo looking at me warily and pretend I haven’t noticed. He has been staring at me with the same look of worry in his eyes all morning.

  ‘Are you feeling any better?’ He asks gently, sitting down next to me.

  Not wanting to discuss how I feel, I take a bobble from my wrist and gather my hair into a ponytail. ‘I was fine this morning and I am fine now.’ A wave of hurt hits his eyes at my dismissive tone and I immediately feel guilty. ‘Sorry.’ I add, turning to face him. ‘I don’t know what’s come over me today.’

  Checking out his black manicure, Aldo casts his eyes over the incredible view. ‘It’s okay to be upset, you know? You don’t have to keep things bottled up all the time.’ He pauses for effect as a flock of birds soar in the distance. ‘You’ve been through a lot lately. Spencer, Precious, your dad…’

  Not wanting to go over the disaster that is my life again, I exhale loudly and scowl. ‘You don’t have to make it sound so dramatic, Aldo. I’ve been through a breakup. Big deal. Relationships end all the time. You just have to pick yourself up and move on. The same goes for Precious. It’s not the end of the world.’ Aldo doesn’t say a word, so I carry on talking. ‘And as for my dad, well, you can’t lose something you never had, can you?’

  The thing is, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m all that bothered by the events of late. Obviously they have upset me. Spencer nearly broke me completely, but I will dust myself down. Tomorrow’s a new day, life moves on. The sun will still rise and people will continue with their lives. No one cares that a woman has had her heart broken, in theory lost her job and discovered her dad has a whole new family she isn’t part of. There are people who have lost loved ones, had life-changing surgery and are facing painful medical treatment. How dare I act like the injured party when there are real problems in the world?

  The aching sense of dread that tormented me all night makes a return and I breathe deeply in a bid to expel it from my body.

  ‘I just want you to know that I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything...’ Aldo picks up a stone and tosses it over the edge skilfully. ‘You know I’m not one for deep and meaningful chats, but you get what I’m saying.’

  Not daring to look at him in case I lose control of my emotions, I give him a small nod and stare straight ahead. Leaning back onto the rock, I look over my shoulder as a rustling comes from between the trees. Quickly spotting a fluffy puppy delightfully diving into a pile of leaves, I roll onto my stomach to watch him play. His tail wags furiously as he bounds up and down like a pogo stick, barking happily at his owner.

  We could learn a lot from our canine friends. The consistently cheerful animals who find joy everywhere they go make us humans pale in comparison. Digging up a mound of soil, he picks up a branch with his teeth before firing back through the trees. I keep my eyes fixed on him until he disappears out of sight, wondering if I can find it in myself to be that happy.

  ‘I guess we should head back.’ Aldo clears his throat and holds out a hand to help me to my feet. ‘It’s starting to rain
again.’

  Dusting myself down, I link my arm through his as we retrace our steps through the woods. Despite my initial protest at leaving the apartment, now that I am out in the open I really don’t want to go back. If it wasn’t for the rain I would stay here all day, anything to not be cooped up with my thoughts.

  ‘Do you have any plans later?’ I ask, hoping that we can do something to take my mind off things.

  Digging his cigarettes from his back pocket, he nods as he lights up. ‘I’m going to start moving some of my stuff out tonight.’

  ‘Already?’ I gasp, feeling genuinely shocked. ‘Why the rush?’

  ‘Why wait?’ He fires back, apparently not realising how mortified I am. ‘You can give us a hand, if you want?’

  Knowing that I will only spend the evening crying into Aldo’s belongings, I shake my head and say nothing. Moving in with a partner is a momentous occasion in anyone’s life. He doesn’t need my negativity ruining it for him. Telling myself I’ll go back to my original plan of hiding beneath my duvet for the day, I give Aldo’s arm a squeeze and plant a kiss on his cheek.

  ‘Enjoy your evening with Edward. I wish you all the luck in the world…’

  * * *

  Laughter floats into the bedroom and I turn up the television in a bid to drown it out. I should be in there. I should be helping my best friend start this new chapter in his life. Instead I am crashed out in bed, watching TV shows I have seen ten times already. What is wrong with me? For a moment, I consider forcing myself out of bed, but something stops me. I don’t quite know what, but I can’t bring myself to join in with the jovialities. I feel like someone has turned off my happiness switch today. My default setting appears to be, well, I don’t think I have an emotion today. I just feel… nothing.