Anxiety Girl: Meet Sadie Valentine...

by Lacey London

  My vision is blurred and my hands are shaking, but I feel more alive than I have done in a long time. I clutch the windowsill as my heart races due to the lack of oxygen in my lungs. Turning off the taps, I notice that my legs are shockingly red from the sweltering temperature of the water. Cold air dances around my wet skin and the lingering sense of doom returns to my stomach.

  Silent tears slip down my cheeks, joining the pool of water in the tub. I must have cried a river these past few days and I have a terrible feeling that I’m beginning to drown in it…

  Chapter 14

  Applying a final layer of lipstick, I blink twice and take in my appearance. It may have taken two hours, but all signs of yet another restless night’s sleep are now carefully concealed. The bags under my eyes have been cleverly hidden beneath a thick layer of foundation and the dash of pink on my cheeks has given my face the pop of colour it’s been crying out for. As much as I didn’t enjoy hearing them, Piper’s harsh words yesterday got me thinking. Perhaps if I look better, maybe I will start to feel better.

  Fluffing up my hair, I run my fingers through the curls that took me all morning to produce. The platinum waves frame my contoured face, creating a halo effect under the spotlights. I look fine now, so why don’t I feel fine? Leaning towards the mirror, I turn my face from side to side for any evidence of what I am experiencing inside. If you passed me in the street, you would have no idea that I feel so much sadness, so much heartache and fear. I find it hard to believe myself. How can I feel so terribly low, yet look so incredibly normal? It’s like I am cheating, acting, playing a role that isn’t really me.

  In the middle of the night, I convinced myself that Piper was right. I pictured myself dressed to kill, with a sudden strength and determination to fix whatever it is that’s making me feel so distant. Just like Superman. Without the costume and cape he is powerless, but as soon as he slips into that blue suit he becomes capable of anything. Only I don’t feel like a superhero, I feel like a fraud. Like a clown in fancy dress. I don’t feel strong and courageous, I feel emptier than ever. I’m pretending to be something I’m not.

  Looking around the car park, I stare at the line of people making their way into the surgery and wonder how many of them are hiding behind a mask of their own. The beautiful woman who is carefully juggling twins? The elderly man who is holding open the door for her? Or the teenage boy with bandages wrapped around his wrists? I guess it’s not always black and white, is it?

  Stepping out of the car, I beep the lock and follow them inside. The surgery is a dreary shade of beige and dare I say it, a little rough around the edges. Checking my phone has been switched to silent, I walk to the glass window as the receptionist looks at me expectantly.

  ‘I have an appointment.’ I whisper, being very aware that I am a couple of minutes late. ‘It’s Sadie Valentine.’

  ‘We’re running a little behind schedule.’ The receptionist clacks away at her keyboard before pointing to her left. ‘Take a seat.’

  My heart rate increases as I squeeze onto the only empty seat in the room and try to ignore the strange smell in the air. You know the one. The smell that can only be found in hospitals, dentists and other frightening places where they poke you with sharp instruments. A woman opposite rocks a baby back and forth, worry etched onto her face as the child lets out a series of tiny cries. I glance over at the man next to her and notice him wrap a protective arm around them both.

  The door squeaks open as a middle-aged man steps into the waiting room. His arm is in a sling and he has numerous small cuts to his face and chest. Wincing as he paces back and forth, he is clearly in a lot of pain. Taking my phone out of my handbag, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the black screen. What on earth do I look like? I’m in a room filled with genuinely sick people and I’m dressed like I’m on my way to a photoshoot. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be here.

  I hear a commotion at the reception desk and look up to see an elderly woman with a hacking cough practically begging for an appointment. Clutching her chest, she pours a mountain of pill bottles onto the counter and covers her mouth with a tissue. The receptionist checks her computer once more and shakes her head. Finally giving up, the grey-haired lady takes her trolley and slowly heads back outside.

  I should be ashamed of myself. There are people here with actual aliments. People who seriously need medical help. How dare I come in here asking to see a doctor because I had a single panic attack? My head starts to spin as I quickly grab my handbag and dive out of my seat.

  Pushing my way to the front of the queue, I rap my knuckles on the glass window frantically. ‘Can you cancel my appointment, please? Give it to someone who actually needs it.’

  Not stopping to hear her reply, I storm through the lobby and burst out into the car park. Spotting the lady with the trolley making her way towards the bus stop, I run after her and tap her shoulder gently.

  ‘Excuse me…’ I sniffle, fighting back tears. ‘I think an appointment has just become available.’

  ‘It has?’ She manages between coughs. ‘Thank you! Thank you so much.’

  Watching her disappear inside, I head back to my car and practically throw myself into the driver’s seat. Opening the glove compartment, I grab a pack of handwipes and look into the rear-view mirror. I need this off my face. My skin is hot with embarrassment. I’ve never felt so pathetic in all my life. Scrubbing at my cheeks with the harsh wipes, I don’t stop until every last scrap has been removed. My ears start to ring and I feel a surge of fear as I anticipate another panic attack. Don’t happen here. Please, do not happen here.

  Clutching the steering wheel, adrenaline rushes around my body as I fight against it. Just like last time, sweat beads on my forehead as the world around me starts to spin. Quickly remembering that I have the anti-anxiety medications in my handbag, I fumble with the zip and shove a handful of pastilles into my mouth. The sickly-sweet paste makes my stomach churn as I try to chew through it. Breathing in and out like a robot, I finally manage to return my breathing to a normal rate.

  Feeling completely violated, I hold my head in my hands and sob. My entire body shakes as I allow myself to cry. People stop and stare, but I’ve gone past caring. Resting my head on the steering wheel, I cry until there’s not a single tear left in my body. I cry until I no longer know what I am crying about. What is happening to me? Just last week I was fine, I was happy. Well, not happy, but I was coping. What has gone so deeply wrong to cause me to crumble like this?

  Finally pulling myself together enough to make the short journey home, I sob silently as I let myself back into the apartment.

  ‘Shirley!’ Aldo’s voice rings out from the balcony and I hastily try to compose myself. ‘Woah…’ Coming to a stop in front of me, he frowns and motions for me to sit down. ‘What’s happened?’

  Being all cried out I stare back at him in total silence, not knowing what to say.

  ‘Sadie, do you want a…’ Edward skips across the living room and trails off as he sees my face. ‘Is everything okay?’

  Mortified at Edward seeing me like this, I hang my head in shame.

  ‘Shirley…’ Taking a seat next to me, Aldo brushes my hair out of my face and I wince at his touch. ‘Just give me a nod if you’re okay?’

  Rubbing my back encouragingly, he pulls Edward to one side. ‘I told you she wasn’t right…’ He whispers, giving me a sideways glance. ‘I never should have left her.’

  Edward murmurs something that I don’t quite hear as the two of them have a hushed conversation.

  ‘I’m going to stay here with her tonight.’ Aldo exhales loudly as Edward nods in agreement. ‘You should head back. I’ll call you later.’

  I hear them kiss one another goodbye before Aldo grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and curls up on the floor in front of me. His wavy hair falls in front of his face as he looks me dead in the eye. We must sit in silence for a good half an hour, both of us staring out of the window in a strange bubble.
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  I try to pinpoint when it was that I started to feel this vacant and detached from reality. Over the past couple of months, I have slowly become more and more empty inside. I’d like to say this is nothing more than the realisation of my breakup hitting me, but deep down I know it is more. Suddenly I feel like there’s nothing to live for and I honestly don’t know why.

  ‘What happened to your face?’ Aldo eventually whispers, turning to face me. ‘You look like you’ve had a bad reaction to something.’

  Remembering I scrubbed my face with antiseptic wipes, I place a hand on my cheek and recoil as it burns against my cold hands.

  ‘I wanted to take my makeup off…’ I whimper, dropping my head onto my lap.

  ‘Why?’ Aldo sounds so bewildered that I almost want to laugh.

  ‘I had a panic attack…’ My stomach drops to the floor as the words escape my mouth. ‘It was so scary. I was so frightened and afraid…’

  Wrapping both arms around me, Aldo squeezes tightly and rests his chin on my head. ‘When did you last sleep?’

  Sleep? I can’t remember when I last slept through the night. Two weeks? Maybe three? Resorting to a shrug of the shoulders, I kick off my shoes as Aldo pulls me off the couch.

  ‘Let’s get you to bed.’ Slipping an arm around my waist, Aldo leads me to my bedroom.

  My bed seems to be the only place I feel safe lately. Everything is fine if I just don’t leave my bed. Lowering me down like a small child, Aldo tugs the sheets up to my chin and flicks off the light. I feel his presence behind me, watching my every move as I toss and turn to get comfortable. Hearing him leave, I roll onto my side and watch Aldo’s feet pace up and down in the tiny space beneath the door. My ears prick up as I hear tinny voices in the distance.

  ‘Linda, I’m really worried about her...’

  ‘She’s acting very, I don’t know, strange...’

  ‘She’s not eating, she’s not sleeping, she’s been distant…’

  ‘I don’t think it is Spencer. It’s more than that. I honestly think she’s heading for some sort of breakdown…’

  ‘No, you’re not listening…’

  ‘Are you seriously asking if she’s checked on your house at a time like this? Is that really all you’re concerned about?’

  ‘I’m not trying to ruin your holiday! I just thought that you should know…’

  ‘I’m worried she might do something stupid. She needs you right now!’

  ‘There’s only so much I can do on my own…’

  ‘You don’t care about anyone but yourself, do you?’

  ‘If you put as much care into your daughter as you do into your suntan, then maybe she wouldn’t be in this position right now…’

  ‘The apartment? How many times are you going to play that card? She needs a mother, not your bloody money…’

  ‘You don’t deserve her…’

  ‘I’ll tell you what, Linda, you go back to your holiday and pretend I never mentioned anything…’

  There’s a series of bangs before Aldo ends the call and curses loudly. My mother, ladies and gentlemen. Holding my pillow over my ears, I find myself wishing that I wasn’t such a burden to everyone. What a failure I am. I just want to go to sleep and never wake-up again. I wonder what it would be like to sleep forever. To close your eyes and fall into a delicious darkness, one that you never need to leave, appeals to me more than anything. There’s no alarm clock, no outside world, no responsibilities and nothing to wake-up for. A frisson of longing runs through me as I close my eyes and pray for it to happen. My body craves nothingness, but my mind won’t allow it. Every time I try to block out the world, the little voice in the back of my mind reminds me that my life is in tatters.

  Opening my eyes, I physically jump as I notice Aldo is now at the side of my bed, staring at me intently.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I gasp, genuinely shocked to see him.

  Not replying, Aldo pulls a clip out of his hair and shakes his head. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you might need some help…’

  ‘Help?’ I repeat, not liking the tone of his voice. ‘Help with what?’

  Shuffling closer to me, he tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ears. ‘You’re not you at the moment. You’ve been distant for months. I’ve known there was something not quite right for a while, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to say it. My gut is telling me that we need to look into what is going on with you.’

  ‘I’m fine…’ I whisper, knowing that he doesn’t believe me. ‘I’ve just been feeling a little down lately, that’s all. We’re all allowed to feel down now and again, aren’t we?’

  ‘Shirley…’

  ‘I’m fine! You were right the other day. I am upset about Spencer. I’m heartbroken. I just need a few days to get my head around things.’ My voice wavers as I hear myself practically begging him to stop looking at me as though I’m heading for a mental institution. ‘I have held it together for months now, I think I’m having a delayed reaction…’

  Reluctantly accepting this, Aldo nods and takes my hands in his. ‘You would tell me if it was anything more than that, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘Of course!’ I reply, my cheeks flushing as the lie slips straight out of my mouth.

  ‘Well, until you’re feeling okay again, I’m going to crash here…’

  ‘No!’ I protest, mortified at the thought of inconveniencing him.

  ‘I’m not arguing about this, Shirley. If a few days is all you need, I will be out of your hair in no time. That’s the only way I’m not marching you down to the doctor right now.’

  I hesitantly nod in agreement as Aldo claps his hands and shakes off his jacket. ‘Alright, if this is a post breakup breakdown, we’re going to handle this how we should have done back then. I’m talking movies, face masks, chocolates… the works!’

  Running into the living room, he shortly returns with his arms laden with products. I smile gratefully as he fiddles with the DVD player before diving into the bed next to me. Fluffing up his pillow, he presses a series of buttons on the remote control. A few seconds later, Dirty Dancing appears on the screen and Aldo rocks his shoulders in time to the music. Attempting to join in, I rest my head on his chest and pretend to be enjoying myself. I don’t deserve Aldo. I don’t deserve anyone. Hugging him tightly, I thank the universe for bringing him into my life.

  My future might seem bleak right now, but as long as I have Aldo by my side, things can only get better…

  Chapter 15

  Looking around the crowded café, I try to stop my heart from pounding. The thought of having another panic attack in public makes me want to run back to the safety of my bed and never leave. The outside world suddenly seems so frightening and intimidating to me. Leaving the apartment this morning was one of the hardest things I have done, no matter how much Aldo tried to convince me that everything would be okay.

  After our movie last night, Aldo and I talked until the sun came up. We covered everything from my relationship with my mother, to Spencer and even Mick. I’d like to be able to say I feel better after our heart to heart, but I am more terrified than ever before. Not only is my failure to act like a normal person affecting me, it’s now affecting those around me.

  It was around three o’clock in the morning when Aldo used the d word. Hearing him talk about depression made my stomach flip like crazy. I tried to dismiss it, but the more symptoms he reeled off, the more concerned I became that I might actually have it. My skin crawls as I recall the words on the computer screen.

  People with depression often feel hopeless, sad, empty and lose interest in things they would normally enjoy.

  I glance down at the coffee in front of me and try to pretend that I want to be here. I’m also pretending this is just to do with Spencer, when deep inside I know it’s much more than that. It feels scarier and far more complex. Despite Aldo’s research, I don’t think I’m depressed. Maybe at first, but the hollowness that filled me is now ebbing away and i
n its place is a sense of dread, worry and fear of the future.

  Aldo continues to reel off an itinerary for the day, but my attention is stolen by the various other customers in the restaurant. There are people from all walks of life. Some young, some old, a few singletons and the odd extended family. A whole variety of people, but each one seems to have their life in order and I’m guessing some of them have been through a whole lot worse than I have.

  A pang of anger hits me and I’m suddenly extremely annoyed. What the hell is my problem? My failure to act like a normal person has caused my friend to stage an intervention. He is totally convinced that I have depression. I don’t have depression, what’s really depressing is this situation right here.

  ‘Eat your breakfast.’ Aldo instructs, tapping my plate with his fork. ‘You know the rules. No breakfast. No shopping.’

  I smile back and pinch my leg beneath the table. I haven’t eaten properly in so long, the waistband on my jeans is starting to feel loose. Begrudgingly picking up my fork, I sink the prongs into a slice of smoked salmon and nibble at the edge. My appetite seems to have gone out of the window along with everything else. I feel like I’m acting and the world is my audience. I can’t let them know how I really feel in case they label me crazy or depressive.

  The fish feels alien in my mouth as I force myself to swallow and pray I don’t throw up. I won’t let this rough patch define me. I don’t need help. I don’t have depression, anxiety or any of the other scary words Aldo was spouting last night. I just need to have a positive mental attitude, that’s all. It sounds so simple in theory, but as I am finding out, putting it into practice is much harder. Maybe this is how people live their lives, putting on a show just to fit in.