by Lacey London
‘Can you please let me do this on my own?’ I ask for the tenth time, struggling to stop my legs from trembling.
Shaking his head as we swing around a roundabout, Aldo changes gear and sighs. ‘Nope.’
‘Why not?’ I retort, panic rising in my throat. ‘Having you there to hold my hand makes me feel like a mental patient. It’s bad enough I have to do this in the first place…’
Indicating left, a hurt expression washes over his face and I kick myself for snapping at him. ‘I just want to support you through this, that’s all.’
‘I know and I can never thank you enough, but I really feel like I have to do this alone.’ Noticing that we are getting close to the destination, I pull my handbag onto my knee and get ready to jump out. ‘Can you trust me to do this one thing by myself?’
Aldo rubs his face wearily and stares straight ahead before reluctantly nodding. ‘Fine, but I’m going to be right here waiting for you when you come out.’
‘Thank you…’ Genuinely touched by his faith in me, I try to keep my voice steady as we approach the building. ‘I’ll get out here. I just need to clear my head before I go inside.’
Coming to a sudden stop, Aldo unlocks the doors and gives me a quick hug. ‘You’ve got this, Shirley. Just remember, everyone else in there is going through the same thing.’
Not daring to reply in case I burst into tears, I flash him a scared smile and jump out of the car. As usual, the street is super busy and I fight against the urge to run to the taxi rank as I make my way towards the support group. I must have walked along this very path a thousand times and not once have I given this building a second glance. With blinds in every window and clinical signs at the entrance, it almost looks like a library.
Shoppers push past me as I try to gather up the courage to go inside. What do I even say once I am in there? My name is Sadie and I’m here because I tried to kill myself?
‘Sadie?’ A high-pitched voice makes me jolt to attention. ‘Is that you?’
Brushing my hair out of my face, I scan the crowd of people to pinpoint the voice.
‘It is you!’ This time, Zara’s voice is unmistakable. ‘What are you doing here?’
Coming to a stop in front of me, her eyes widen as she gives me a quick once-over. My pale skin and tired eyes make a stark contrast to Zara’s scantily-clad outfit and I can tell from the expression on her face she’s mortified by the state of my appearance.
Her eyes land on the sign behind my head, but before I have the chance to explain, Piper and Ivy step out of the beauty store behind her. Laughing and joking, they cackle loudly as they head over to us.
‘Well, well, well! What do we have here?’ Piper smacks her lips together and nudges me on the shoulder. ‘I would ask if you’re feeling better, but you look like the walking dead!’
The other two join in with her laughter as panic takes hold of my body. I knew coming here was a bad idea. We should have chosen one that was out of town, somewhere as far away as possible.
‘We’re going to Precious, do you want to come?’ Piper rests a hand on her hip and taps her foot impatiently. ‘Although you might want to go home and change first...’
‘Piper, I think Sadie might already have plans…’ Zara points to the discreet sign behind me and raises her eyebrows.
I feel my blood run cold as Piper and Ivy squint at the logo. The pair of them exchange puzzled glances, but I’m too transfixed on Ivy’s jacket to care. I’d recognise that battered, leather jacket anywhere. I’ve worn that jacket. I’ve run my fingers over those Harley Davidson badges. Despite my efforts to stop it, my heart sinks to my feet. That jacket belonged to Spencer’s father. Spencer didn’t go anywhere without it. Catching me staring, Ivy immediately looks away guiltily and tries to hide the badges behind her handbag.
‘Anxiety Anonymous?’ Piper scoffs, rolling her heavily made-up eyes. ‘Give me strength…’
I glance at the taxi rank and consider making an escape when the door to the support group opens.
‘Are you joining us?’ A mature lady asks, looking around the three of us and smiling. ‘We’re about to start.’
Piper, Zara and Ivy stare at me as I look between the grey-haired woman and the three girls I used to call my friends.
Not daring to look at Piper, I lift my handbag onto my shoulder and nod.
‘Great, come on in.’ She motions for me to follow her inside, leaving the girls mocking me on the side of the street. ‘I’m Julia.’
Their heckling fades into silence as I am led through a dimly lit corridor. Julia’s selection of bohemian bracelets jangle together as she walks, creating a loud clang against the eerily quiet background. The walls are covered in various posters, each one depicting a different mental illness and the phone numbers to call if you need help.
Pushing open the door to a room on the right-hand side of the lobby, she stands back for me to step inside. Unlike the hallway, this room is open and bright, with a circle of plastic chairs in the centre of the empty space. There’s a desk adorned with biscuits behind the chairs, next to a sign that instructs you to help yourself. Around twenty people are gathered around a coffee machine, some whispering quietly, others sipping from their paper cups in silence.
Feeling incredibly uncomfortable, I look through the small window in the door and wonder if I can flee without anyone noticing.
‘Okay, if you would like to choose a seat, we are about to be begin.’ The lady who invited me in pulls out a chair at the front of the circle as people follow suit and start to fill up the seats.
Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other, I walk to the nearest chair and perch on the edge, just biding my time until I can make my escape.
‘For those of you who are joining us for the first time, my name is Julia and I would like to welcome you to this Anxiety Anonymous meeting.’ She casts a glance in my direction and I reply with a thin smile. ‘Making the decision to walk through that door today is the first step on your journey back to mental wellness.’
I look around the circle and feel surprised by how many people are here. People from all walks of life and not a single one would you expect to be suffering from a mental health problem.
‘This is a safe space, anything you say here is completely confidential. Whether it be anxiety, depression or simply stress, you’re not alone in your struggles. Here at Anxiety Anonymous, we aim to guide one another through the hard times and celebrate the good.’ Julia beams broadly and clasps her hands together in her lap. ‘Now, does anyone have anything they would like to share with the group?’
I hold my breath as she looks around the room, before nodding at a man in a suit who has his hand in the air.
‘I’ve had a pretty tough week.’ Loosening his tie, he rubs his bald head and looks down at the ground sadly. ‘I thought I finally had this under control, but these past few days have been difficult to say the least.’
I can hear my heart beating as I listen to him speak, fascinated by how easily he’s sharing these personal details.
‘I’ve had to cancel meetings, miss appointments, skip my kid’s school activities…’ He trails off as Julia opens her mouth to speak.
‘And why have you felt the need to do that, Alec?’ Julia leans forward in her seat as the rest of us stare at him with bated breath.
‘I just feel like I can’t handle things at the moment.’ Fiddling with his watch, he lowers his voice to a whisper. ‘My wife’s starting to tire of me and I don’t blame her. At first she was sympathetic, but now she’s had enough. She doesn’t understand how I can be okay one minute and unable to function the next.’ Alec looks around the group and I can hear true sorrow in his voice. ‘As soon as I allow myself to forget about the anxiety, it returns like a punch to the gut and then I feel like a fool for pretending it had gone in the first place. Can any of you relate to that?’
Yes, I think to myself. I can absolutely relate to that! He looks directly at me and I immediately look away. A ch
orus of agreement echoes around the room and I’m amazed that they’re all agreeing, too.
‘The first thing we all have to accept about anxiety, is that we are never going to be completely free of anxiety.’ Julia’s calming voice has me transfixed, but what she’s saying is sending off alarm bells. ‘Anxiety is part of the normal way in which your body operates. When anxiety strikes, you may feel like something terrible is going to happen, you may feel like you are losing control or that you are going to come into great harm. I can assure you that none of those things will happen.’
Julia pauses and looks at each one of us individually, her blue eyes swiftly moving from one to the next. ‘Anxiety is a normal emotion, just like all the others. It only becomes a problem when we allow it to escalate beyond reason.’ Stopping for breath, she turns her attention to a chair at the opposite end of the circle. ‘Yes, Ruby?’
I strain my neck to see who she’s talking to and notice a curvy teenager dressed in a quirky, black dress.
‘If anxiety is a normal emotion, is depression normal too?’ She cocks her head to one side as she speaks and screws up her little nose. ‘Sometimes I feel like my levels of anxiety cause me to fall into a depression. The constant fear of panic attacks makes my life a living hell…’
My jaw drops open as Ruby continues to talk. I said those exact words to the doctor just yesterday. Half of me wants to laugh with joy. I’m not alone in this after all! A tear slips down Ruby’s cheek as she recalls staying in her bed for days on end and I instantly regret finding a glimmer of hope in her misfortune. I know that gut-wrenching fear all too well. The one that makes you want to fall asleep and never wake-up again.
Ruby bats away the tears and I physically have to stop myself from diving out of my seat and giving her a hug. She can only be eighteen, nineteen at the most. Someone so young shouldn’t have to deal with the torture that is anxiety, depression and panic attacks. She should be enjoying herself, dancing the night away with her friends and planning for her future. Not curled up in bed wishing the days away because she’s too afraid to face the world.
Julia adjusts her glasses and exhales sharply. ‘Unfortunately, anxiety and depression can sometimes roll into one vicious circle. The anxiety offsets the depression and vice versa. Although they both have a similar impact on us, anxiety and depression are quite different indeed and can be separated if we train the brain to change the way we think.’
You could hear a pin drop as the entire room falls into a captivated silence.
‘You see, depression is generally connected to our feelings about past events and anxiety is associated with trepidation of the future. My aim in these meetings is to help you all to start living in the present where anxiety and depression simply cannot survive…’
The Trail in Her Wake
Chapter 20
‘I’d like to thank you all for coming along today. I really hope you’ve found this session beneficial.’ Julia pushes out her chair and rests her hands on her hips. ‘Please feel free to stay behind and chat amongst yourselves. I have to shoot off to another meeting in Hale, but I hope to see you all on Friday. Oh, and don’t forget, there’s always the forum if you find yourselves struggling in the meantime.’
A small round of applause rings around the group and I join in with the ovation. I’m so glad that Aldo talked me into this. In just one hour I feel better than I have in months. The doctor was right, jumping straight to medication isn’t the answer here. I have learned so much about coping techniques, breathing exercises and maintaining a positive mental attitude in a single session. If I can feel this much better so quickly, how much progress can I make in the coming days and weeks?
Feeling super optimistic, I smile at Julia as she heads for the door. With a quick wave, she slips on her patchwork coat and disappears into the lobby. A few of the other people follow after her and I shove my hands in my pockets, wondering if I should join the others for a coffee. It feels a little strange, having a caffeine hit with people whose names I don’t even know. Maybe I should just go...
‘Would you like a drink?’ A small voice asks, tapping me on the shoulder.
Spinning around, I smile as I see Ruby holding out a paper cup gingerly.
‘Oh, thank you.’ Accepting the cup from her, I take a sip and grimace at the taste. ‘It’s… lovely.’
‘It’s not the best.’ Ruby laughs as blood rushes to her face. ‘But it’s all we have.’
‘It’s great!’ I lie, looking down into the murky dishwater and wondering where I can dispose of it. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘Is this your first time?’ Ruby asks, tucking her raven hair behind her ears. ‘I haven’t noticed you here before.’
‘It is my first time.’ I confirm, leaning against the wall. ‘I didn’t know what to expect, but I’ve found it really helpful.’
‘Yeah, Julia’s amazing.’ Ruby sits on the edge of the desk and swings her legs back and forth. ‘My parents get so frustrated with me. They don’t understand why I can’t pull myself together, but Julia just gets it.’
I nod along and take another sip of my drink. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to try and fight this at Ruby’s age.
‘How long have you been coming here?’ I ask, discreetly disposing of the poor excuse for a coffee.
Ruby looks to the left and counts on her fingers. ‘A year, maybe a year and a half.’
‘A year?’ I feel my mouth fall open at her response.
If she’s been coming here for an entire year, why isn’t she fixed? Why is she still plagued with anxiety?
‘I know what you’re thinking, but when I first started coming here I was so much worse than I am now. This place saved my life… literally.’
My heart drops and I try not to show my disappointment. Maybe this isn’t the quick-fix I was hoping for. I suddenly feel a fool for allowing myself to believe I could cure myself with a few breathing techniques and the odd coping mechanism.
‘There you are!’ Hearing a familiar voice, I look up to see Aldo striding into the room. ‘I saw everyone leave and panicked when you didn’t come out.’
Guilt runs through me as I realise I’ve worried him. ‘Sorry, I was just talking to Ruby.’
Aldo shifts his gaze to my new friend and holds out his hand for a polite shake. ‘Hi, Ruby.’
‘So, how was it?’ He asks, turning his attention to me with a hopeful expression on his face.
‘I’ll leave you guys to it.’ Ruby drains her coffee cup and jumps down from the desk. ‘Hope to see you next week.’
‘Definitely.’ I call after her, as she grabs her coat and slips out into the lobby.
The door silently closes and Aldo tugs on my sleeve. ‘She seems very nice.’
‘She is nice.’ I mumble quietly, keeping my eyes fixed on the door.
Aldo looks at me warily and holds out his arm for mine. ‘How about we go grab some lunch and you can tell me all about it?’
The fear makes a comeback and I shake my head in response. ‘I just want to go back home.’
Aldo’s face falls as he realises that a single group counselling session isn’t going to be enough to erase this torment.
‘Okay… Well, let’s grab some food and we can have a duvet day.’ Linking his arm through mine, Aldo leads me down the lobby and back towards the car.
Despite my efforts to resist, I turn back and steal a glance at Precious. They’ll be in there right now, sipping champagne and chuckling because silly Sadie can’t cope with life. I picture them clinking together their glasses and cackling, their stomachs creasing with laughter at the very thought of me.
My chest becomes tight and I wonder how I have slipped straight back into the negative state of mind I was in before the meeting. When I was listening to Julia, I felt hopeful and optimistic that this was the answer. As soon as I’ve stepped back out into the world, I am right back where I started. Ruby’s words ring around my mind and try to block them out. She has been going there for a year.
Three hundred and sixty-five days, yet she’s still suffering.
‘Shirley?’ Aldo repeats, pointing to the fast food sign above his head. ‘What do you want?’
I stare at his face and realise I haven’t been listening. ‘Anything.’ I mutter, knowing that whatever he gets for me I won’t eat anyway.
The wind blows my hair into my face as Aldo beeps open the car and heads into the eatery. Climbing into my seat, I recall Julia mentioning a forum and load up the internet on my phone. I find it almost immediately and don’t hesitate in pressing the register key. After tapping out my email address and phone number, the form instructs me to pick a username. Typing out my name, I frown at the screen as it tells me the username I have chosen is already taken. I try adding various digits and let out a frustrated sigh as I’m informed they’re all taken as well.
Turning to stare out of the window, I look up and down the street until my eyes land on the sign outside the Anxiety Anonymous building. Going back to the website, I stretch out my fingers and jab at the keyboard.
Congratulations!
Anxiety Girl is available!
I smile in satisfaction at my phone as Aldo pulls open the driver’s door and tosses me a paper bag. ‘They didn’t have much left, so I just got a couple of sandwiches.’
Immediately putting the car into gear, he flicks on the radio and puts his foot down.
‘Thank you.’ I mumble, taking a quick look in the bag and stashing it at my feet. ‘Where are we going?’ I add, realising we’re heading in the opposite direction to home.
‘Just taking a quick detour…’ Turning onto a country lane, he taps his fingers on the steering wheel.
My stomach cramps as the prospect of another panic attack hits me. ‘Aldo, I really want to go home…’
‘I know you do, but while you were in the counselling session I did a little research.’ He smiles confidently at me and I resist the urge to open the door and throw myself out onto the busy road. ‘Giving into the anxiety is the worst thing you can do. All the sites I visited advised the same thing, you need to acknowledge the anxiety is there and carry on as normal.’