by Lacey London
The word normal makes my skin sting with fear. But I’m not normal, I feel so far away from normal that I’m beginning to forget what normal is. Before I can protest further, Aldo brings the car to a smooth stop and turns down the radio. Forcing myself to look up, I feel my lips stretch into a smile. This is our spot. This is where we come to when the sun is shining and we want to drink wine in the shade of the many rustling trees.
‘Eat…’ Aldo instructs, passing me a cheese sandwich and a packet of crisps.
‘Thank you for making me go to the meeting…’ Slowly opening the box, I pick at the bread half-heartedly. ‘I’m so glad I went.’
Aldo’s face breaks into a smile as he bites into his lunch. ‘That’s fantastic! What happened? Tell me everything!’
‘It was exactly like you would imagine a support group to be. There was a circle of chairs, people took it in turns to speak about how they were feeling…’
Aldo nods enthusiastically and wipes his hands on his jeans. ‘Did you talk about what you’ve been going through?’
I shake my head and open the packet of crisps. ‘Not this time. I was weirded out just being there. I was listening to the others speak about their troubles and I kept asking myself, how did I end up here?’
‘How do you think you ended up here?’ Aldo asks, immediately regretting the question escaping his lips. ‘Sorry for asking, it’s just that the websites I was reading said it was good to talk about it.’
Popping a couple of crisps into my mouth, I subconsciously rub my finger tattoo. ‘I honestly don’t know…’
Aldo nods and dives into the crisp packet. ‘When did you first start to feel, you know, down. I know this all started with Spencer, but when did you realise you were losing control?’
A flurry of different emotions rush through my body as I am mentally transported back through the last couple of months.
‘When things ended with Spencer I felt weirdly numb. It was like I just carried on with my life. I surprised myself with how well I coped, but as the days turned into weeks, I started to fade away inside. When I realised dating other men wasn’t making me feel any better, I got this sinking feeling that just wouldn’t go away.’
Aldo abandons his food and motions for me to continue.
‘I tried talking to the girls, but you know what they’re like. They thought I just needed to get over it. And I tried to get over it, I really did. My plan to move on from Spencer was to throw myself into my work, but then that was taken away from me, too.’
My voice starts to wobble and I fake a cough to cover it.
‘I’m so happy for you and Edward, I really am, but when you announced you were moving out, it broke my heart a little bit. We’ve become so close these past few years, you’re like a brother to me.’
I notice Aldo’s eyes glass over and curse myself for telling him how I really feel.
‘As hard as I found losing Spencer, Precious and you to Edward, the thing that hurt the most was finding my dad. I don’t even know why. Just seeing him with this new life was like a blow to the stomach. It was a life that seemed so mundane and perfect when mine was falling apart. I’ve never been close to my mum, you know that, but I always had this secret fantasy of finding my father and being welcomed into a loving family. It turns out that my fantasy was exactly that, a fantasy.’
Feeling the tension lift from my shoulders, my chest heaves as I allow myself to cry.
‘This is good, Shirley.’ Aldo unbuckles his seatbelt and wraps his arms around me. ‘This is all really, really good.’
‘It is?’ I manage, struggling to compose myself.
‘Yes! You don’t need to keep everything bottled up all the time. It’s okay to be upset.’
Sniffing loudly, I take a napkin and wipe my tear-stained face.
‘Do you realise this is the first time you’ve spoken to me about any of this? I knew you were struggling, but not once did you admit to me you felt so… alone.’ Aldo wipes a smudge of makeup from my cheek and squeezes me tightly. ‘Not talking about your feelings is like a red flag to a bull with depression and anxiety. Did you speak to anyone else about this?’
I shake my head and turn to look out of the window. ‘I thought if I just ignored it and carried on, eventually it would go away.’
Seemingly deep in thought, Aldo bites his lip before fixing his face into a smile. ‘Well, there’s two things I want to say. Firstly, I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me and secondly, I want you to promise me that you’ll always come to me in the future.’ I nod in agreement and rest my head on his shoulder. ‘Together, we can get you out of this hole just as quickly as you fell into it.’
‘Thank you…’ I whisper, picking up my phone as an email pops up on the screen.
‘Who’s that from?’ Aldo asks, squinting at the handset.
‘Anxiety Anonymous has a forum for members to chat amongst themselves between sessions.’ I pass him the phone and twist my hair into a messy ponytail.
‘Anxiety Girl?’ He smiles and takes a glug from the water he picked up earlier. ‘Was Shirley Valentine not available?’
I playfully punch him on the arm and manage a small laugh. Feeling a genuine smile on my face is something I haven’t experienced in such a long time. Promising myself to never take any glimpse of happiness for granted ever again, I take a deep breath and spit out the words I’ve been wanting to say all morning.
‘I saw Ivy.’ I blurt out, just as he puts his foot on the accelerator. ‘She had Spencer’s jacket on…’
Aldo looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights and I know immediately that something is awry.
‘What is it?’ I ask, already knowing I don’t want to hear what he is going to say.
‘Alright, I didn’t want to say anything as I was worried how you would react.’ He bites his thumb nail nervously and pulls on the handbrake. ‘When you first mentioned that they were talking, I did a little investigating and word on the grapevine is that they’ve been dating for a long while. Some people are even saying it started before you guys… you know.’
Hearing my suspicions confirmed makes me feel strangely vindicated. Now it makes sense. It all makes sense!
‘I also spoke to one of his ex-girlfriends on Facebook, he cheated on her as well. It seems that Spencer Carter has quite the history of promising the world to women and then dropping them.’ Aldo steals a glance at me and rubs his temples. ‘How did we get him so wrong?’
His words ring around my mind as I wait for the sadness to hit me, only it doesn’t come. The only thing I feel is relief. No wonder we didn’t make it! For the past couple of months, I’ve been trying to work out the reason behind Spencer’s actions. I was torturing myself for ruining the only meaningful relationship I’ve ever had, but it turns out it wasn’t my fault. It was him. It was all him. I almost want to laugh. If it wasn’t Ivy, it would have been someone else. Another girl, another day, another affair.
‘Are you okay?’ Aldo asks cautiously. ‘Please don’t freak out…’
Inhaling sharply, I breathe out the tension that has been bothering me for so long. ‘You have no idea how good it feels to hear that…’
‘Good?’ He repeats, narrowing his eyes at me suspiciously. ‘Why?’
‘Because now I can stop blaming myself!’ I exclaim, throwing my arms in the air. ‘I can finally stop replaying the whole relationship in my mind and wondering where it went wrong. It’s like I finally have closure. I can finally start to accept that it wasn’t meant to be and move on.’
Aldo opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, seemingly lost for words. ‘Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to take it so well. What a great way to look at it…’
‘It’s the only way to look at it.’ I say sternly, remembering what we learned at the support group. ‘Julia spoke a lot about finding the root cause of our problems, addressing them and moving on. Now I know the cause, I can start to put Spencer behind me. I feel better already. This is exactly what I needed. Julia w
as totally right. Julia’s a genius!’
‘That’s fantastic advice.’ Aldo breathes, giving me a high five. ‘I just have one question… Who the fuck is Julia?’
Chapter 21
I have been staring at this screen for five solid hours. I just can’t tear myself away. There must be hundreds of people on this forum, each one openly discussing their anxiety and depression with other users. Unbeknown to me, Anxiety Anonymous has branches all over the country. From London to Newcastle, members of the group are logging on day and night. I can’t believe how many other people have been struggling with the exact same symptoms that I have. Some for years, some for just a few days, there’s even a couple who are simply concerned about someone close to them.
I haven’t posted a message yet or replied to a thread, but just knowing I am not alone brings me great comfort. I’m also realising there are people out there making my symptoms look like a drop in the ocean. Just reading the various stories is making me want to reach out and reassure them all they’ll be okay. I hold my finger over a thread entitled Coping Strategies and double tap. I have already read this, but I’ve found it so useful that I want to read it over and over again.
It’s like I’ve found this whole new world to disappear into. So far, I have downloaded calming apps, bought three self-help ebooks and signed up for email alerts on a dozen different blogs. The distraction of reading about others has taken my mind off my own troubles, but the second I remember I also have anxiety, my heart sinks and I’m right back where I started.
Pulling the duvet up to my chin, I flick off the light and grab my earphones from the bedside table. Thankfully, Aldo fell asleep on the couch not long after we arrived back at the apartment. I considered waking him, but he looked so content that I decided to cover him with a blanket and leave him to sleep. I’ll never forgive myself for making this his problem. No matter how much he tries to convince me that anxiety isn’t something you have any control over, the tapes I’ve been listening to tell me otherwise.
Loading up one of the apps on my phone, I hit play and fluff up my pillow. Gentle spa music floods into my ears as a soothing voice starts to speak.
Welcome to this thirty-minute meditation on anxiety management.
In this session, I am going to help you to realise that anxiety is not something you need to be afraid of. Once you discover how to manage your anxiety, you will learn to see each anxiety attack as an opportunity to show yourself just how strong you really are.
My brow furrows in confusion. I can’t ever imagine being able to see anxiety as an opportunity. The thought of another panic attack makes me want to jump out of my bedroom window.
You’re probably feeling quite sceptical right now.
You are right to feel this way.
Before we go any further, let’s look at what anxiety really is.
Anxiety is the feeling of panic and fear, both of these are essential emotions.
Without panic and fear, we would not know how and when to protect ourselves from the dangers around us.
Running my legs over the sheets, I look up at the ceiling as the calming voice talks me into a slightly hypnotic state.
I am going to teach you how to keep your anxiety at a reasonable and rationale level. Once you have learned to do this, you will be free from the crippling fear that has been casting a shadow over your life.
Allowing my eyes to close, I start to wonder where anxiety stops and depression begins. Which triggers the other or are they both so similar that they only differ in name?
Now we have established what anxiety is, I want you to think about what exactly anxiety does to you?
Cast your mind back to the first time you had an attack of anxiety?
Did your chest become tight? Did your head pound? Did you sweat profusely and have an all-encompassing fear running through your body?
I nod along to the tape and try to ignore my increasing heart rate. Just thinking about that dreadful day makes me nauseated.
If you answered yes to one or all of those questions, I want you to ask yourself what happened afterwards. No matter how terrible the anxiety made you feel, as soon as it passed you returned to feeling relatively normal. The unpleasant effects subsided and you were safe.
A frisson of annoyance hits me as I realise she’s right. A part of me doesn’t want to think of it like that. Like it is something so futile that it can be simply brushed off and moved on from. Those panic attacks were the most frightening and terrifying things to ever happen to me and I want them to be acknowledged as such.
Panic attacks cannot and will not hurt you. They may make you feel like you’re having a heart attack or that something dreadful is going to happen, but I promise that no harm will come to you.
Panic attacks are the result of nothing more than adrenaline. This overproduction of adrenaline is caused by our flight or fight senses.
These senses kick in when we become scared, frightened or intimidated.
Adrenaline? That thing people crave when they jump out of planes and buckle themselves into rollercoasters?
A little adrenaline can make us feel wonderful, but too much has quite the opposite effect, as you have unfortunately experienced.
But fear not, as with just a few simple techniques, we can retrain our bodies to understand exactly what is frightening and what is not.
This strangely resonates with me. There isn’t anything scary about being sat in a waiting room, so why does the idea of it suddenly bring me out in hives? Why does even leaving my front door make me feel so apprehensive that I would rather stay inside? I never used to feel like this. So, what’s changed?
More than likely, you will be able to think back to a time where anxiety didn’t control you.
A time where you didn’t have this unnecessary fear making you so afraid.
None of us are born with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is an example of a learned behaviour and just as quickly as your body learned to react in this way, you can train it to stop…
Chapter 22
‘Are you sure you will be okay today?’ Aldo asks, jumping down from the kitchen island. ‘I would cancel my appointments, but Bella Lake is booked in and…’
‘Aldo! It’s fine.’ I toss him his leather jacket and flash him the thumbs up sign. ‘I will be fine. I promise.’
He looks at me uncertainly and slips his cigarettes into his back pocket. ‘Any news from the doctor?’
‘They called with a counselling appointment for the week after next.’ I reach into my handbag and grab my lip butter. ‘In the meantime, I have Anxiety Anonymous. Don’t worry.’
‘So, what’s on the agenda? Are you going to the support group today?’ Aldo hovers by the door and fluffs up his ponytail.
‘The next meeting is Friday.’ I say sadly, wishing the time away until the next meet up. ‘The app I was listening to last night advised to continue with your normal daily routine, even if it is the last thing that you want to do. So, I’m going shopping.’
‘Shopping?’ He repeats uneasily. ‘Are you sure you’re up to that?’
‘If it gets too much, I will come straight back home.’ I shoot him what I hope is a reassuring smile and usher him out of the door.
‘You sound like you’re about to walk the plank.’ He observes, toying with his lighter. ‘Don’t push yourself too hard, too soon.’
‘There’s not a single part of me that wants to do this.’ I confess, genuinely saddened that he has seen through my strong front. ‘The thought of leaving the apartment makes my legs feel weak, but I want to beat this and I’m not going to do it by locking myself in my bedroom.’ Not wanting to get emotional again, I grab my coat from the rack and reach for my trainers. ‘Can you just go now, please?’
‘Fine! I’m going!’ Aldo lets out a laugh and flashes me a wink. ‘You know where I’ll be if you need me…’
The door closes behind him and I’m left alone with my thoughts. Knowing I will lose my nerve if I give myself time to over
think things, I watch Aldo’s car pull out of the car park before following in his footsteps. Acting normal when you’re so empty inside is quite a strange feeling. It’s like eating when you’ve lost your appetite. It just seems… wrong. Doubts creep into my mind as I head towards the shops and I anxiously search my handbag for my earphones.
The second the now familiar spa music hits my ears, I feel instant relief. The app understands me, it knows exactly what I’m feeling. Just like Julia at Anxiety Anonymous, the app makes me feel safe and strong instead of scared and weak.
I listen to the app for the entire thirty minutes it takes for me to get to Wilmslow and remark at how much better I feel than when I left the house earlier.
Stepping into a department store, I pull out my earphones and scour the rails of clothes. With the shop being practically empty, the eager sales assistant doesn’t waste any time in making her move.
‘Are you looking for anything in particular?’ She asks, stepping out from behind the counter and sashaying down the aisle.
‘I’m just browsing, thank you.’ Not being in the right frame of mind to make small talk, I turn to check out a stand of handbags.
Clearly sensing the tone, she quickly retreats to the till and picks up a nail file.
Running my fingers over the selection of pretty garments, a pair of boots catch my attention and I wander over to the display. Taking in the label, my heart freezes as I read the brand. Suave. The last time I was looking at a pair of Suave shoes I went to my mum’s house and…
My ears start to ring as my stomach flips like crazy. I close my eyes and count as I pant, horrified at the thought of another panic attack. Remembering the breathing exercises recommended on the forum, I practice inhaling deeply and hold it for a few seconds before exhaling through my mouth.