Part of me wants to see what my mom has to say for herself. The other part of me doesn’t want to give a fuck, but I do. All of a sudden, I realize that I do care, not just because of Maddy, but because I really do want to put it all behind me. I want to heal. I want to be the best damn version of myself that I possibly can – for me, for Maddy, for my baby.
I glance over at Katie and she seems lost in thought. It’s time for me to ask the question that I’m most afraid to ask. In this moment, I realize that Maddy was right. I can’t ignore the fact that my mother is dying. Seeing Katie and hearing about mom all over again has opened up old, scabbed over wounds that need to be healed.
“So, you say she’s dying? I’m assuming that wasn’t some lame ploy just to get me to meet you?” I chuckle a small laugh to try and disguise my discomfort.
She shuffles nervously in her chair, and for a second, I think maybe she did lie to me. That would be a good thing right?
“I wish I was lying, Reid. I really do, but I’m not. She’s been sick for a while. It’s AML, a type of Leukemia. She’s been to all of the specialists and been on chemo for months now, but she’s running out of options. She’s getting worse, so that’s why I called you. I thought you should know what was going on in case…” Her words fade off into the uncomfortable silence. I see a tear trickle down her cheek and she tries to swipe it away without me noticing it.
She’s really dying. Reality sets in - thick, heavy, black and dense. I’m not saying that I instantly forgive her for everything, or that I’ll ever be able to forgive her, but so much has changed in the last few years, maybe, just maybe, she’s changed too.
“So where do we go from here, Katie?” I look at her inquisitively as if she’s got all the answers.
She swallows past the lump of emotion that’s just newly formed and her words are choked and almost strangled. “I’m not sure, Reid. I guess that’s up to you. I just took my last final today and my dad is coming to pick me up tomorrow.” She pauses for a few moments to think something over. Her uncertainty is written on her face, but she asks anyway. “Do you…no forget it. Never mind.”
I know what she wants to ask me and, call me crazy, but yes, I do want to go home with her.
“Yes.” I reach for her hand this time and shake my head in disbelief. Her blank stare indicates her shock so I start talking again, just to reassure her. “What I mean is, if you were just going to ask me to go home with you, to clear the air with my mom, then yes, I’ll do that.”
Her face lights up like a Christmas tree and I can see the pressure and ugliness that’s been looming over our conversation visibly lift from her shoulders. “You will? Really? Reid, that’s fantastic. I …I don’t know what to say.”
Shaking my head again, I say “Me either, Katie, me either. I never in a million years thought I would be here.”
“Me too, Reid. I just know your mom is going to be so happy to see you again.” Her megawatt smile disarms me. Katie’s genuinely trying to make things better for me and my family – what’s left of it anyway. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks, she’s my step-sister. I have a step-sister and a step-father; my father is out of the picture; my mother is dying and the love of my life, who is pregnant with my child, won’t even speak to me. The entire landscape of my family changed over the course of this conversation.
I can’t believe what I’m about to offer, but something about it just feels right. I’ve been listening to my head for so damn long, maybe it’s about time to listen to my heart. “Would it be alright with you and your dad if I drove you home tomorrow? It’ll save him the trip and we could catch up some more.”
She stares at me all wide-eyed and disbelieving. The shock in her face suggests that a unicorn just passed behind me or something.
“Uh, yeah. That would be great actually. Things have been really tight money wise since your mom’s been sick. Dad has had to take a lot of time off from work already, so you driving me back would actually be a huge help.”
Well now I feel like a real shit. “Wow, I had no idea. I’m… I’m sorry, but obviously I didn’t know.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Reid, but I’m glad that you’re finally willing to give it a try.” She checks her watch and starts to gather her stuff. “I’d better get going. I have my roommate’s car, and if I don’t get back soon, she’ll start to get worried, plus we’re having a little going away party tonight.”
We both stand from the table and I gather our trash as we head towards the door. Holding the door open, Katie slides past me and pulls her hoodie around her chest tightly. When we get to her roommate’s car, she turns to me before opening the door. “Thanks for this, Reid. I know it’s not easy, but, well, I just wanted to say thanks for finally giving me the chance to talk to you.” She hugs me tightly and I’m frozen at her outward affection. She breaks the contact, opens her door and slides into her seat. Before closing it, she says, “So I’ll text you the directions to the dorm and I’ll see you around noon. Does that sound okay?”
“Sure, that sounds perfect. See you tomorrow, Katie.” I close her door for her and watch her pull out of the parking lot and into traffic.
As I get into the truck, I have an overwhelming desire to call Maddy, but I don’t know what to say. She hasn’t called me so I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t want to talk. This is stupid. I love her and I know she loves me, and some seriously big shit just went down with Katie. I need to hear her voice. I find myself beyond nervous as I dial her number. My stomach drops when I hear the operator’s electronic voice tell me that her number is no longer in service. What the fuck? She changed her number?
Screw that. I dial Melanie and it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t leave a message. The anger I’m feeling at Maddy for changing her number is not an emotion I want to convey to Melanie right now.
I try to swallow back my hurt and fail miserably. Driving back to my hotel room, I’m lost in thought at the strange turn of events.
I’m being pushed away from the one person who I never thought I would be without, while being pushed toward the one person I never thought I would have to see again.
Katie and I have the truck all loaded up and we’re ready to go. It’s only about an hour-long drive, so even if it is awkward, it won’t be for long. She rifles through her bag and pulls out a CD. She looks over at me and asks, “Do you mind?” indicating the music she wants to play.
It’s a burned CD, so I can’t tell what it is. “Sure, but what is it?” I raise an eyebrow and hope that our taste in music is somewhat similar.
“It’s Dave Matthews,” she says as she slides the disc into the compartment. The soulful vibrations of the saxophone fill the cabin of the truck and the rhythm instantly eases whatever tension I thought there might be.
We’ve been driving along for about twenty minutes now. As one song fades into the next, I take a chance at conversation. Turning the volume down, I lean one elbow on the window panel and shift slightly so that I’m facing Katie.
“So, what am I walking into exactly? I mean, does my mom even know that I’m coming with you?” I know she can hear the nervousness in my voice and normally I would hate my vulnerability, but last night, after I realized that Maddy was really and truly done with me, I decided that I would just have to face all of my emotions where my mom is concerned. I can’t keep hiding from my past. It’s already cost me Maddy. If I ever have any hope at getting her back, I have to get through this mountain of crap that is my past first.
She shifts and looks at me, almost apologetically. “No, she doesn’t know you’re coming with me. I did tell my dad, though. I had to let him know who was driving me home. He wasn’t about to let me get into a car with a complete stranger, you know.” She arches a playful eyebrow at me.
“So what did he say? I mean about us talking and that I’m coming to your home.” I don’t even know the man, but I don’t want to walk into a firestorm if I don’t have to.
Katie thinks over
her words, obviously wanting to choose them carefully. “He was…well, he was surprised to say the least, but happy overall.” Katie makes a point to look right into my eyes for this next part. “Your mom is not doing well, Reid, so honestly, I think my dad really wants you to makes amends with her.” Katie’s voice catches in her throat. “He said he would try and talk to her before we got there, but he couldn’t guarantee that he would. It depends on how she’s doing. She has good days and bad days, you know?” She shoots a small smile in my direction.
I don’t, actually. My gut twists at that thought. My mom has been dying and I’ve done nothing to comfort her. “Tell me about them, the bad days, I mean.” I need to prepare myself, though it might seem more like torture at this point.
Katie swallows hard, fighting what I can only imagine are very emotional memories of my mom’s worst moments. “It was a slow progression really. She got weaker and weaker and then when they figured out that it was cancer, she got more and more exhausted. The doctor’s appointments were endless. Day after day, my dad and her would pile into the car and drive for hours seeking the advice of the top specialists in the state. After a while, they started to lose hope and they resigned her fate to chemo.” Katie shifts in her seat to face the window instead of me. I see her wipe a tear away from her cheek before she continues to tell me how my mom is dying.
“By the time they finally settled on a treatment plan, the cancer was really bad and they had to be incredibly aggressive. When she would leave for her chemo, she was hopeful and expectant, but when she walked through that door hours later, she was defeated and tired. After a while, she became a shadow of the woman I had come to know. It hurts my heart to even think about what she went through while she was sitting in that chair at the doctor’s office, watching that medicine flow into her body. Some nights… some nights…” I hear her take a deep shuddering breath. Fighting back her pain, she continues. “After your mom finally falls asleep, out of sheer exhaustion I’m sure, I hear my dad sob through the thin wall that separates their room from mine. Most nights, we just sit there and hold on to each other. There aren’t any words meaningful enough to comfort him anyway. He’s losing the woman he loves. There’s nothing in the world that can erase that kind of pain.”
I reach across the bench seat and hold her small, fragile hand. While I’m still reeling from Shane, while I know I can never forgive my mom for what she did to him and me, I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt at how sick she is.
After a few long moments of silence pass, I decide to try for a more cheerful topic of conversation. “So tell me something happy. How did they meet?”
She laughs a small almost sarcastic and dismissive laugh. Searching through the glove compartment of Jack’s truck for a tissue, she wipes her eyes and looks back in my direction. “That is most definitely not a happy story either, Reid.”
And here I thought I’d be side-stepping a landmine. “Well, I guess happy or not, I should know, right?” I nod at her, prompting her to continue. If she wants to share, I’ll listen.
“Okay, but only because you asked for it.” Katie takes a deep breath to steady herself and I almost tell her to stop. There’s only so much sadness I can bear, but I go against my instinct and let her tell her story.
“My mom left us when I was only twelve years old. My parents fought for years, most of which, unfortunately, I remember all too vividly. I thought all parents have fights so I didn’t make too much of it. Well one night, Dad was at work; he took on an overtime shift since Mom didn’t have a job at the time. I was supposed to be at my friend’s house for a sleep over, but I decided not to go.” She takes a deep breath, bracing herself for her next words. “Anyway, so that night Mom came home with some guy she had met at a bar. I heard them laughing and fooling around. I was completely disgusted that she was going behind Dad’s back like that, so I called him. He was furious, of course. His voice was booming over the phone in anger, but he managed to calm down enough to talk me through it. He told me to just stay in my room until he got home, to lock my door and not let them know that I was home. Well, when I got out of my bed to lock the door, I tripped over my backpack and collided, head first, with my door. I smashed my nose right against the jamb and I couldn’t help but scream in pain. My mom and her friend must have heard me because their laughter stopped immediately. I heard their footsteps approach my door and I tried so hard to get up and lock them out, but I just couldn’t. I was in too much pain.” She traces over what I just now notice is a scar running down the length of her nose. As if by some kind of instant reflex, I trace over the raised scar on my chin from when I tried to rescue Shane.
I want her to finish her story. I want to hear what happened, but I don’t want her to hurt. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by what Maddy must have felt when I shared my story with her. If it’s possible, I love her even more in this moment than I ever have before.
I look at Katie and only hope that my eyes convey my sorrow, my compassion, and my sympathy. I squeeze her trembling hand in mine before she finishes telling me the rest of what I can only assume are horrid details.
“They did more than drink, at the bar, I mean.” Katie shakes her head as if she’s going to shake away the pain of her memories. “They were both high on something. I found out later, that it was coke. Apparently, my mom was an addict. How I never knew about it, I… well I don’t know. I guess when you’re twelve, you live in a world colored by rainbows and glitter.” She chuckles lightly, but I know it’s an insincere one. It’s meant to dispel the guilt she feels over not being perfect, over not having a picture-perfect childhood. I’ve laughed that same laugh all too often. “Well, in his coke induced high, the guy made a pass at me – a rather violent and physical one. And my mom, well she just stood there and watched. She watched her baby girl cry as some asshole groped at her. Thankfully, my dad busted through the door before anything too traumatic could happen. He beat the shit out of the guy and spent the rest of the night fighting with Mom. I was able to hear most of what they said.” I silently prompt her tell me the rest. It can’t get much sadder than this, but I have a feeling that I’m wrong.
“I never knew it, but Mom was apparently bi-polar. She had been for most of her life. She stopped taking her meds, which was why they were fighting all the time towards the end. My mom was in a manic state when she brought that guy home, but my dad was already on his last straw. He kicked her out and we never heard from her again. We got the call from the coroner two weeks later. Mom hanged herself in some scummy motel room.”
She’s staring out the window, watching the trees fly by as the scenery blurs into one long, continuous stream of emerald green pines.
I don’t know what to say. When I first met Katie, she struck me as in control, independent and whole – not in any way damaged. If she’s anything like me, the last thing she wants is my pity. All I can muster up is commiseration.
“That’s fucked up, Katie. I wish you never had to deal with that.” I think I remember Maddy telling me once that sometimes fucked up shit happens to good people. Truer words were never spoken.
“Yeah, it’s fucked up, but in some weird, twisted ass way, I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. It hasn’t been easy, though; don’t get me wrong. After my mom killed herself, my dad wanted a fresh start and that’s when he moved us to Denning. I was only fourteen at the time. I think he met your mom the following year at some Survivors of Suicide support group.”
My shock is immediate. “She went to a support group? When? I never saw her go. She never mentioned anything.” I would have gone with her. We could have healed together.
“I don’t know all of the details, Reid, but I think she started going after you left and after she divorced your father.”
It’s my turn to gaze out the window now as I contemplate my past. I can’t help but wonder how differently things could have been if we had just been brave enough to open up with each other.
We sit in silence for anoth
er fifteen minutes, and before I even realize it, I’ve reached the town limits for Denning.
Katie gives me the last few directions to her house – a house that she has shared with my mom for the last few years, a house of which I’ve never been a part. Suddenly I’m nervous - full-on, hands trembling, stomach clenching, tongue swollen, nervousness. The clock in the dashboard flashes that it’s three in the afternoon. We got a later start than we originally planned, but now I’m idling in the driveway trying to waste time.
The curtains shift and I see who I can only assume is Katie’s dad, move towards the door. She grasps my hand and squeezes gently. “Come on, Reid. It’s time to go home.”
It’s time indeed. It’s been four years since I’ve seen my mother. In mere minutes, I’ll be reunited with the woman who brought me into this world and suddenly, well suddenly, I have no freaking clue what to say to her.
I did not sleep well. A combination of nerves over starting work today and sadness over Reid leaving me had me tossing and turning all night. Not to mention, I had to get up to pee like five times. Google tells me that the frequent nighttime bathroom stops are a common occurrence in early pregnancy and that there’s really nothing I can do about it. I wonder if Google has a cure for a broken heart.
I don’t have to be at work until 11 a.m. which is perfect for the slow ass pace at which I’m moving this morning. I’m going to need every minute of the next three hours to get ready. Plus, I need to make a quick stop before work to get a new cell phone. I lost mine in the accident and I feel extremely disconnected without it.
After one last search for a nearby cell phone store, I push my laptop off of my crossed legs and get up from the bed. I must have moved too quickly, because suddenly I feel lightheaded and queasy. When Mel walks through the door with a plate of scrambled eggs, I sprint past her to the bathroom. I guess that would be the morning sickness.
Let Love Stay Page 5