Mel sits next to me on the floor and rubs calming circles on my back. After emptying the contents of my stomach, I wipe the sweat from my brow and lift my head. I’m a little less dizzy and the nausea has passed, but the smell of the eggs still hangs in the air. Mel gets me a cool rag and places it on the back of my neck.
“So I guess no eggs then, huh?” Her eyes are concerned and I feel bad at vomiting all over her kind gesture.
“I’m sorry, Mel. Thanks though. I guess the morning sickness is setting in.” I stand on uneasy legs and make my way down to the kitchen in search of something that is not eggs.
I grab some bread out of the fridge and pop it into the toaster. Mel busies herself at the counter preparing us some coffee. When she hands me my mug, she looks apologetic. “Damn, I forgot. You can’t have coffee. I’m sorry, Maddy. This is just going to take some getting used to.”
Laughing a little at her, I say, “Will you cut it out? I can still have a cup of coffee once a day. At least that’s what this one pregnancy website said. It also said that morning sickness happens around eight weeks. I’m going to call the doctor today and see if I can get in next week. I think I’ll pass on the coffee though until I get the okay from the doctor.” She nods at me with understanding and we eat our breakfast in companionable silence.
Of course my mind drifts back to Reid as I think about how much I actually dread having to call the doctor. Well, it’s not so much the call that I’m dreading, as much as the idea that I’ll more than likely have to go to my first appointment without Reid. It’s not as if I’ve spent my whole life envisioning what things would be like when I had a baby. I honestly never thought I would have a family of my own. I never wanted to let anyone in until Reid, and now that I love him, I don’t know how to give him up. I can’t let him walk out of my life for good.
Mel interrupts my faraway thoughts and asks, “Hey, do you mind if I use your car today while you’re at work? I have some Christmas shopping that I want to get done and some errands to run.” She’s rinsing the dishes that she dirtied when she made me the breakfast I couldn’t stomach.
“Sure thing, Mel.” I look up at the clock and realize that I need to get my ass in gear if I don’t want to be late for my first day. “I’m going to shower then we can leave. I want to stop at the Verizon store on the way there so I can get a new phone.”
“Great. I’ll be ready in fifteen.” She clears our dishes and loads them into the dishwasher, and as I take one backward glance before I leave the room, I can’t help but notice the sadness that’s in her eyes. I lean against the door jamb and she catches me staring.
“Is something wrong, Mel? You seem a little sad this morning.” I ask timidly.
She swats her hand in front of her, dismissing my question. “It’s nothing. I don’t want to worry you with it. You’ve already got too much…” I cut her off immediately. I walk back towards her and hold her shoulders in my hands.
Staring her down, I say completely serious, “Don’t you think for one single minute that just because I’m dealing with crap in my life that I don’t have time for you. What’s going on? Is it Bryan?” At the mention of his name, she stiffens and I can see tears form in her eyes.
I pull her down to sit in the chair next to me and she lowers her head to the table, burying it in her folded arms. It takes her a few moments to begin speaking and I realize it’s because she’s trying to stifle the sobs that are creeping up on her. I reach out and grab her hand and I can’t help but feel so unbelievably guilty that Mel has obviously been dealing with some serious stuff while I’ve been off in my own little world.
“Come on, Mel. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you.” I try my best to coax her into speaking but she’s still lost to her tears. It takes her a few minutes, but she finally regains her composure and speaks.
“You’re right; it’s Bryan. Things were so amazing before we left for break. I… I told him I loved him and he looked at me like I sprouted an extra head or something. I really thought he felt the same way.” After she throws her hands up in exasperation, she gets up to pull a paper towel off of the roll.
I’m surprised at his reaction too. I really thought he loved her. “But, you just said last night that you were going to fly out to South Carolina to go visit him. I don’t get it.” I can tell that she’s holding something back.
“Well that was my plan, but when I spoke to him last night, he said he needs time. I don’t know what the hell he needs time for, but that’s what he says he needs.” My heart breaks for her. I know that Bryan is her first real relationship. Unless you count holding hands with Mike Doxter in eighth grade, which she doesn’t, Bryan is Melanie’s first real boyfriend and her first real love.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but, well, look at me. I’m no model for perfect relationships.” She laughs at my self-deprecation. Wiping the tears from her eyes, her lips curl into a small smile.
“Yeah, but it feels good to get it off my chest. You know what I think it is? I get the feeling that there’s some girl waiting for him at home. I want to believe that he loves me. I feel like he does, but he’s always holding back and I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s in love with someone else.” Mel slumps into her chair. Her eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying. I hate seeing her like this. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt.
I get up from my chair and wrap my arms around her, well my good arm at least, and hug tightly. “Stop those tears. You’re amazing and awesome and kind and sweet and not to mention the most kick-ass best friend ever, so if he can’t see all of that, then it’s his loss.” I feel her chuckle at my crazy list.
I look her directly in the eye to convey the seriousness of my words. “You deserve to be loved whole heartedly, with no exceptions or reservations, and if he can’t give that to you, if he’s not capable of giving you the love you deserve, then he doesn’t deserve yours. But if he does, well then you fight like hell for him, for your relationship. Believe me, Mel, I wish I could turn back the clock and follow my own advice.” She hugs me back and I feel some of the stress release from her shoulders.
Breaking our embrace, she leans back in her chair and takes a shuddering breath to calm her emotions. She catches the time blinking on the microwave. “Shit, Maddy, you’re going to be late.”
I glimpse at the clock and she’s right. “It’s okay. I’ve still got time. The cell phone can wait. Let’s get a move on, but promise me from now on that if something is bothering you, that you’ll talk to me. I’m never too busy for you.”
“I promise. Thanks for listening, Maddy.” She smiles warmly and gets up from her seat. We share one last hug before carrying on with our day. After our conversation, I make a promise to myself that I’ll carve out more time for Mel. She has to be going through a lot too. With everything going on with Bryan and now with me not going back to school with her, she’s going through some massive changes as well. I have to be there for my best friend no matter what goes on in my own life.
I shower and get myself ready in record time. Sadly, I’m getting used to the one-handed shower. As Mel drives me to work, I think over my words of advice. I told her to fight like hell for her and Bryan. Fortified by my own words, I resolve to do just that for Reid and me. I will fight until my last breath for us because, despite his physical absence in my life, he’ll never be absent from my heart.
When I arrive at Dr. Franklin’s office, the office manager, Kathy, shows me around and sets up a training schedule so that each day I can do a little bit of everything. By noon, I’ve filled out all of my paperwork, which includes the insurance application; it’s such a huge weight off of my shoulders to know that I can get the care I need for my baby. Around one in the afternoon, my “training” for the day is done. I mean there isn’t much to filing. You either know your alphabet or you don’t. It’s mindless work so far and I’m enjoying the peace and quiet of organizing and stacking patient files. Tomorrow I’ll le
arn the computer system and how to make appointments, but for now I don’t mind being alone.
A few hours later, I’m midway through a stack of severely misfiled folders. Kathy pokes her head into the small room. “Hey, how are you doing in here?” She smiles down at me and I think I see her laugh at the piles and piles of papers that surround me.
“Good, I think. I should be done in an hour or so,” I say as I swipe a piece of hair that has fallen out of my pony tail from my eyes.
“You’re a Godsend, Maddy. The last girl was horrendous. I have a feeling that your obsessive compulsive tendencies will come in handy around here.” Kathy sees that I have a penchant for all things orderly. I can’t help it. When your life is complete chaos, it helps to bring order to whatever you can. After my parents died, in order to keep the overwhelming anxiety at bay, I would color code everything – my clothes, shoes, accessories, and Aunt Maggie’s basket of yarn.
I do the same thing now. It’s been less than a week since I made the mistake of breaking things off with Reid, and in that short amount of time, all of my DVD’s are alphabetized as are my books. If Mel ever looked at her bookshelf, she would find that all of hers are in order as well.
Part of me can’t help but wonder what my life will be like when the baby comes. I’m fairly certain that I’ll have to kiss my OCD goodbye. I’d gladly give up my need for organization if it meant that I could raise the baby with Reid. My hand drifts almost instinctively to cover my belly at the thought of the baby.
Someone calls her name from the front desk, but before she leaves she says, “I just wanted to check on you and tell you that you’re doing an amazing job. You can take your lunch break at two,” she glances down at her watch, “which was thirty minutes ago actually. My God this place is insane today. Can you wait until three for lunch?” Her eyes and tone convey her apologies for forgetting about me.
“Sure. I’m good.” Before the words are even out of my mouth, she’s scurrying to the front to deal with whatever issue is demanding her attention.
The next half hour passes quickly and by the time I step out of the office to walk across the street to the deli, I’m starving. After ordering my bagel with cream cheese, the only thing I feel like I’ll be able to stomach, I step to the side so that the next customer can order. That’s when I see him.
I immediately stare down at the floor, as if that will make me disappear or something. I hope that my disheveled appearance and baggy scrubs will help disguise me, but I’m not that lucky.
“Maddy? Is that you?” Jay’s voice makes my insides tighten. The last time I saw him, I broke his heart. I still feel incredibly guilty over how we left things.
I look up from the floor and meet his familiar chocolate-brown eyes and he looks genuinely happy to see me. It just makes my gut twist in guilt even more.
I smile brightly at him. I’m totally faking it. “Hi, Jay. How are you?” My voice is shaking. I can’t believe I’m this nervous to see him again.
His eyes rake over me and they stop abruptly on my arm. “What happened? Are you okay?” he asks, indicating my cast.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was in an accident a few weeks ago. I should have it off in about two weeks, if I’m lucky.” If I thought telling him about my accident was going to make him leave me alone, I was sorely mistaken.
“Oh God, Maddy. I’m so sorry. Are you okay? I mean except for the cast.” His eyes convey his concern, but there’s something else there – something that looks a lot like love.
The cashier calls my name and interrupts our conversation. I step forward and grab the brown paper bag that contains the lunch for which I no longer have an appetite.
Turning back to him, I say, “I’m good, Jay. I have to get back to work. It was good seeing you.” I’m trying to dismiss him without being rude, but he’s not getting it.
Suddenly he notices the scrubs that Kathy gave to me when I showed up this morning and he asks, “Where do you work?”
I don’t want to carry on this conversation. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him, though. It has more to do with the fact that I don’t want to pick at the scab of our dead relationship. If I’m reading his eyes correctly, he’s still not over me and I just don’t have the energy to deal with him on top of the shit heap that my life is right now.
Common courtesy prevails, though, as I respond to his question. Politeness fills my voice. “I just started over at the dentist office across the street.” I say this as I’m trying to walk past him, trying to escape this horribly uncomfortable situation.
His face registers a little bit of surprise. “You got a job at a doctor’s office? But don’t you go back to school in like a month?” Shit, his curiosity is piqued now. I am so not getting into why I’m transferring home, not with Jay.
“Jay, I really have to go. I’m going to be late and I just started there. I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.” I actually have another forty-five minutes left on my break, but I’m not about to tell him that.
He concedes. “Sure. I understand. But can we catch up, please? I haven’t seen you since the summer and I’d like to see you while we’re both home.” My brain is scrambling with a million excuses, none of which will be plausible enough for him to leave me alone. He grabs my good hand as I continue to walk past him. Wrapping his strong fingers gently around my wrist, he looks into my eyes warmly, lovingly. “Please, Maddy. I miss you.”
My heart tightens and I soften to him. I did break his heart, after all. Pulling my arm from his hand, I say, “Sure, Jay. That would be nice.” His face shines with happiness and his full smile reveals his perfectly white, straight teeth. He is really beautiful and it would be easier to hate him if he wasn’t such a nice guy and if we didn’t share a history.
He’s practically bouncing with excitement. “Great! Are you free tomorrow night?” Sadly, I am. Seeing Jay makes me miss Reid even more, if that’s possible.
I quickly think through what will be the easiest plan for us to get together without it being any kind of official date. “I have work until six and Mel will have my car all day again. You could pick me up and we could grab some dinner. Would that work?” I want to keep it casual, and going out straight from work will keep it feeling less like the date I know he hopes it will be.
“That’s perfect, Maddy. I’ll see you then.” He leans in and gives me a quick hug. I hug him back because despite the current storm of emotions I’m feeling, I don’t hate him; he’s just not Reid.
The rest of my life is a chaotic whirlwind of craziness. Seeing Jay totally throws me off balance and, even though I don’t really want to see him for fear of misleading him, it’s just easier to go along with it.
I break the hug and walk towards the door. I don’t want to look back at him, but when I do, I catch him checking me out. Our eyes lock once again, and in that moment, I know that tomorrow night will be anything but a casual reunion for him.
The house is nothing special – a simple Cape Cod styled home, sided in light green cedar-shake. The trim around the windows is a warm cream color instead of the expected harsh and bright white. There are a few small evergreen bushes in the front garden, but I imagine that brightly colored flowers bloom there in the spring as well. Simple though it may be, it’s not just a house. This is a home. Even sitting out in the driveway, I can feel the warmth and love exuding from the place. I feel a slight pang of jealousy as I realize that my house, the one I grew up in with my parents, never had this feeling.
Katie grabs her bag and bounces out of the truck. I sit for a moment longer and try, but fail, to gain some sense of composure. Exiting the car, I hope for the best. That’s all I can really do at this point.
Mr. Donovan opens the front door and steps out onto the porch. For a man in his early fifties, he’s still in good shape. Lean and trim, he’s about as tall as me at about six feet. His face is weathered and tired looking. When he catches sight of his daughter, his warm brown eyes, that just moments ago looked pained and
exhausted, beam with pride and love. His gigantic smile forces his eyes to crinkle in the corners, making the few wrinkles he has a bit more prominent. Katie nearly sprints into her father’s arms and they share a warm, seemingly overdue, embrace. I stand back, at the bottom of the three stairs that lead up to the door, giving them their space to reunite. Katie reaches down, grabs her father’s hand and looks up at him reassuringly. I think she says something to him, but I can’t make it out. She smiles at him and he winks back at her. It’s an obvious routine between the two of them. Their bond is palpable and suddenly I feel like I’m invading their world. Sadly, that’s not all that far from the truth.
I try to avert eye contact; I can’t believe my own nervousness. I kick some rocks around under my feet, but when Katie comes to stand next to me, pulling her father by the hand behind her, I lift my eyes to hers and some of the anxiety dissipates.
The silence is awkward as all three of us just stand there not saying a word; no one knows what to say, exactly. Katie breaks it. “Reid, I’d like you to meet my father, Joe. And Daddy,” she says as she looks over at Joe, “this is Rebecca’s son, Reid.” It’s been so long since I’ve even heard her name that it sounds foreign and unfamiliar in my ears.
I extend my hand in front of me to shake Joe’s and he just stares blankly at me. In that momentary blank stare, I feel as insecure as some weak teenager. What a fucking prick. I swallow my pride to come make peace with Mom and he can’t even shake my hand. Fuck that!
Just as I’m about to go off on him, he looks down at my hand and shakes his head from side to side and then swipes his hand over his face and up through his short cropped, dark brown hair.
I feel frozen in this moment. My feet are glued to the floor and my mouth is stuck, unable to form any kind of coherent words.
Let Love Stay Page 6