Let Love Stay

by Melissa Collins

I slide Mel’s cup in front of her as I sit back down in my chair. Her glare has intensified and she just looks at me expectantly. “Oh for Christ’s sake, Reid. Will you just start talking already?” She’s nearly yelling, but when she remembers that Maddy is still sleeping, she clamps her hand over her mouth.

  I chuckle at her crazy over-protectiveness and finally relent in giving her the details she’s obviously in search of. “First, I didn’t leave her.” Mel’s only response is a highly arched eyebrow. She doesn’t say anything, but her facial expression is screaming “really?”

  I hold my hands up in front of my chest in a mock gesture of surrendering. “Okay, fine. I did leave, but I never intended to walk out of her life. We were being really shitty to each other. And, yeah, it was a chicken shit thing to do, but in that moment it was easier to walk away than to fight.” She lets out a deep breath and seems to relax a little now that she at least knows that I never meant to hurt Maddy.

  Melanie’s eyes soften and her face takes on a concerned look rather than an icy stare. “But, the baby, Reid. How could you walk out on your baby?” Her voice quivers with the pain I know I caused Maddy.

  I nervously pick at my short fingernails in a desperate, yet futile, attempt at avoiding the question. Mel places her hand on top of mine to calm my nerves, but mainly to draw my attention back to the conversation. Our eyes meet across the table and I roll mine in frustration. I’ve had enough of this “feelings” shit over the last few weeks, but I know Mel isn’t going to let me get away with not talking to her.

  I fold my arms across my chest before speaking. “You want the truth?” She just stares me down, as if she would actually accept anything other than the truth. “I was scared shitless. I’m only twenty-one years old. And Maddy is so mature, independent and amazing, but fuck, she’s only eighteen. We’re so young, and you can hate me all you want for walking away, but I was scared. So was Maddy, for what it’s worth. She was so scared she pushed me away. Told me I didn’t love her because I couldn’t forgive my mom.”

  Melanie’s face contorts in surprise and confusion and I immediately realize my misstep.

  “What does your mom have to do with it?” Her voice is calm and quiet as if she’s afraid of scaring off some kind of timid animal.

  I shoot up out of my chair and clench my fists at my side. I want to punch the wall, but somehow I don’t think Mrs. Crane will appreciate a hole in her kitchen when she returns. After pacing around the small kitchen for a few minutes, I calm down enough to return to my chair and start talking.

  I tell her everything. From Shane being gay, to me being disowned by my parents, to Katie’s recent calls, to my hesitance to contact my mom, to Maddy’s ultimatum, to my visit home last week - she just sits silently and takes everything in. I’m extremely surprised at how much easier it’s becoming to talk about this part of my life. Part of me can’t help but wonder if the people with whom I’m sharing it, have anything to do with the ease with which the story can now be told. Melanie and Jack, and of course Maddy, have worked their way into my life – Maddy into my heart. For the first time since Shane died, I finally realize that I have people who care about me, who matter to me and to whom I matter in return. It’s a strange, but not wholly unwelcome, feeling.

  After I’ve finished saying my piece, Mel takes a few moments to gather her thoughts, before saying, “Well, that sure as hell is screwed up beyond anything. All I can say is that it’s fucked up.” She emphasizes her last two words to make her point even clearer. “But, Reid,” her tone has softened a little, “don’t you realize how the world looks from Maddy’s point of view?”

  I pause to consider her question. There’s nothing to consider. Maddy has everything under control. She’s calm and pretty much in the driver’s seat with everything. But there’s something in Melanie’s words that makes me second guess my initial assumption about Maddy’s character.

  Melanie leans forward again across the table. “It’s more than just her parents dying, you know.” Her voice is barely above a hushed whisper. “When they died, it was unexpected.” I nod in acknowledgement of that detail; I already knew that.

  “But what made their death truly traumatic was the stuff that came afterwards.” Melanie looks up to the ceiling as if she’s searching for some kind of answer, but when she looks back at me, her eyes are shining with tears. I realize she was just looking up to keep the tears at bay. “She lost everything. Her home, her friends – everything. She had to move in with a stranger who didn’t even really like kids. Aunt Maggie wasn’t horrible or anything, but when she took Maddy in, it was out of obligation, not out of love.” Mel pauses and puffs out a sarcastic laugh. “Aunt Maggie even claimed she was allergic to dogs, so even though Maddy had already lost everything, Aunt Maggie put Pepper, Maddy’s black lab, up for adoption. I’m not going to say that she mourned the loss of her dog more than her parents, but that really hurt her. That dog was her only link to unconditional love, and in the blink of an eye, her puppy was gone. Her parents were dead. There was no way she couldn’t accept the finality of that, but to watch something that is still living and breathing and loving you be taken away, I think that’s what really got to her on a deeper level.”

  Mel studies the ceiling again before continuing. “I didn’t meet Maddy until middle school, you know? And by that time, she was really depressed and very withdrawn. Aunt Maggie just kept telling her to ‘snap out of it’, but Maddy had a really hard time making friends. She never got Maddy into any kind of therapy or anything like that.”

  I rub my hands over my face and through my hair. “I…I never knew that, Mel. I mean, the way you guys are with one another, I just thought you had known each other forever. I never realized she was in such a dark place for so long.” I can’t hide my shock. Over the last few months, Maddy and I have shared a lot, but she never told me all of this.

  Mel’s kind eyes meet mine and she nods her head. “She was and it wasn’t pretty. It took her a few years, but finally she started to discover who she was, but even just a few months ago, when we were getting ready to leave for college, she still wasn’t able to believe that Momma and I loved her as part of this family. Maddy thought she wouldn’t have a home here after she started school. So you have to believe me, her pushing you away is more about her insecurities than your history.”

  She takes a deep breath and says her next words carefully, precisely so that there is no way that I can misunderstand them. “She realizes that she was wrong, you know. She didn’t tell me about all of your past, but she admitted to pushing you away because you didn’t react kindly, for lack of a better word, to her being pregnant.” Shooting daggers in my direction, she points at me accusingly. “So cut her some slack, please. She hasn’t always been the strong, independent woman you fell in love with. There’s a very broken and battered little girl living in there, and every now and then she comes out for a visit.” Mel’s last words are soft and reflective. Hands clutched to her chest, I know that she’s reliving Maddy’s pain right here before me.

  That’s a lot to take in, so rather than staring blankly at Mel over our now cold cups of coffee, I walk over to the big picture window at the back end of the kitchen. It’s starting to snow, not like a blizzard or anything, but just small clumps of glistening sparkles hitting the ground.

  Mel comes up behind me and interrupts my mindless staring. “So, back to that baby.” She’s standing next to me, hands on her hips, tapping her toe impatiently. “I know you said you were scared and that you didn’t have the world’s best reaction, but now that you’ve had some time, and a little perspective,” the last part is meant to hint at yesterday and it works, “how do you feel about the baby now? Because if you’re not truly in it for the long haul, then leave now so that Maddy can pick up the pieces and figure out how to survive – again.”

  I wrap my arm around her shoulder and laugh at her absolutely ridiculous assumption of my feelings. Before I say anything, I walk out of the kitchen and over to the
coat rack which is in the entryway. I pull out the sonogram picture from my jacket pocket and walk back over through the kitchen to hand it to her.

  She turns the picture this way and that way, trying to make out some semblance of what the hell it is. When she looks up at me in frustration, I situate the picture in her hand and point to the center of the image.

  “This right here,” I point to the small gray area in the middle, “this is my baby’s heart.” She looks up at me and her eyes are wide with awe and amazement. She doesn’t say anything, so I just continue pointing out the details. The arms, legs, and even the tiny little nose that you can see in the profile. It’s amazing how, even at nine weeks, this little blob looks like a baby.

  When I’m done showing her everything that I’ve memorized about my baby’s features, I slide the picture into the back pocket of my jeans. “It’s simple, Melanie. Yes, at first I was scared shitless, but now that I’ve seen my baby and heard its heart beat, I’m not afraid. I’m in awe. That baby is a part of me and a part of Maddy. And if by some miracle, we can move beyond our broken pasts and create something so perfect out of our love for one another, then, well who the hell am I to walk away from that?”

  When I finish saying my sappy-ass speech, I feel warm arms wrap around my waist from behind. A cheek presses up against my back before pulling away. In its wake, soft, tender lips tickle my skin.

  I turn around and wrap Maddy up in my arms and notice that there are tears streaking down her face. “Hey, beautiful. Why the tears?” I kiss her sweetly on her hair and lean my cheek atop her head.

  She pulls back from me and wipes the tears from her cheeks. “It was just hearing you describe the picture, pointing out all of the details, saying that you love our child, that you love me. For the first time since we’ve found out about all of this,” she eyes her belly, indicating the shit storm that was her pregnancy announcement, “well, that was the first time that I could hear the awe and love in your voice as you talked about our baby.”

  I pull her close to my chest and notice over the top of her head that Mel is rolling her eyes at us. “I’m going to take a shower and leave you two love birds alone to talk. I’m happy to see you guys back together. You’re good for each other.” As Mel walks away, she winks in our direction and then she’s gone.

  Once Mel is out of the room, Maddy stretches up on her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek while cupping the other one in her hand. “I love you, and I love that I have you back. I’m so sorry for everything I said and did, but I believe you that you love me. God, how could I not? Please, say that you’ll forgive me.”

  Resting my chin on top of her head, I mumble “hmmm” as if I’m actually considering whether or not to forgive her. She falls for it, and I feel her body tighten to ward off the blow of my rejection, but I can’t stifle my laughter. “I’m pretty sure we can work something out. How about you let me make you breakfast while you get off your feet and we’ll call it even? Sound good?” I know she can’t see it, but my ridiculously huge grin is a pretty clear indication of how much she’s forgiven.

  She exhales a deep breath and then promptly rolls her eyes at my instruction for her to sit down. Before she leaves my embrace, she plants a firm kiss right above my heart and looks up at me through her long lashes. “You can make me anything you want, just not eggs. Unless you want to clean up my puke in addition to cooking for me, just stick to toast. Got it?” She pokes me in the chest playfully.

  I can’t help the burst of laughter at her attempt to lighten the mood. Only Maddy can talk about throwing up in the hopes of keeping the mood on the upswing.

  We exchange a smile and break our embrace. She starts to walk away, and I swat her tight ass when she gets a step in front of me. She turns around with a shocked look on her face.

  “What? I missed your sweet ass. Now go sit it down so that I can make you your toast.” My playful smirk and flirty gesture are my ways to try and lighten the mood and just like that, we’re back to how things were before. Light and happy, hopeful and loving.

  I know that we still have more to work out, more to talk about, but knowing that she trusts that I love her, really and truly love her, despite my past, is a huge hurdle for me.

  We spend the rest of the morning lounging in Maddy’s room, watching television and just talking. Feeling safe in the confines of the only room she’s ever known, and perhaps comforted by the feel of my arms around her, she opens up a little bit more about her past and I about mine. The conversation flows easily for the most part and it’s not as difficult for either of us to share as I thought it would be. Lying side by side in the bed, our legs are tangled together and I’m gently brushing my fingers through her long, blond waves.

  The calm and peaceful atmosphere shifts slightly as Maddy clears her throat. “So what are we going to do about us?” Maddy asks, her voice thick with emotion.

  I’m taken back by her question, to say the least. I pull back from our embrace slightly so that I can look at her. “What do you mean? I thought you wanted to be back together?”

  She rolls her eyes and my heart lifts. “Of course I do.” She presses her lips to mine and laughs at me. “There is no one else I want to be with. Ever. I mean, what are we going to do about us in terms of where we live and all that.” I can hear the panic rising in her words, so I try to calm her fears before she even continues with what I’m sure is a laundry list of concerns.

  “Calm down, Maddy. It’s simple. I’ll figure things out with the internship. I’ll see if there is a school district here in Elmira where they can place me. And if not, well, if not, then we’ll just take it one step at a time and figure it out. But I promise you this,” I pause to kiss the tip of her nose, “we won’t be apart for very long at all. I’ll have to go back to Ithaca this week though.”

  She looks up at me and I know what she’s thinking about. “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll come back on Friday for the appointment. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. I have to get the truck back to Jack, and figure out everything with insurance so I can get a replacement car. I’ll get that all done before Friday and I’ll pick you up from work. We’ll go there together.” She smiles up at me – huge and bright.

  “You mean you would do all of that for me? I mean relocate and start all over, just for me?” God, she’s so fucking sweet.

  I tip her chin up so that I can look her directly in the eyes. “I will do whatever I can to make sure that we’re never separated ever again. Got it?” I slant my mouth over hers and part her lips with my tongue. She reaches up and tangles her fingers in my messy hair. The kiss is passionate and sweet at the same time. It’s a confirmation that we will make it; a promise that we will stand by each other.

  I break this kiss to ask something that has been on my mind all day, “Do you think it would be a problem if I stayed here for Christmas with you guys?” I’ve spent the last four Christmases alone in that crappy frat house while all of the guys went home. I’ll never admit it to anyone, but those were some of the most depressing days of my life. No gifts to open, none to give.

  “Oh my God, I completely forgot Christmas is next week! With everything going on, it really did slip my mind.” Maddy gets momentarily lost in making a mental list of what she needs to get done. I know her so well already and I chuckle lightly at the intricacies of her personality.

  “So, do you think it will be okay?” I remind her that I did actually ask a question.

  “Oh God, of course it’ll be alright. It’ll be perfect, actually.” She kisses me sweetly, sealing the deal for our upcoming first Christmas together.

  We lay in comfortable silence for a bit longer, but something is lingering – some nervousness is starting to pull Maddy away from the calm we had earlier.

  “What’s the matter, baby?” I have to leave in a few hours and I want to get everything, or as much as we can, out into the open before I leave for the week.

  Her eyes show her fear and uncertainty, but she finds the strength to carry
on and ask her question. “The other night, you said that you went home, is that true? Did you really go back there?” I can tell that she’s afraid to broach this topic. The volume and tone of her words are soft, barely above a whisper as if she’s afraid to even say them aloud.

  We’re lying side by side, facing one another. I take a deep breath and try to clear my head. I want to tell her everything, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little scared that she’s going to be disappointed in my decisions.

  Looking deeply into her emerald green eyes, I finally start talking. “I did go home.” I don’t mean for my voice to sound harsh, for my body to tense.

  I register the shock in her eyes, but I push past her surprise and my anger. “I met up with Katie and she somehow talked me into going home with her.” I laugh and roll my eyes thinking back to meeting Katie the first time. “You’d like her. Katie, I mean. She reminds me a lot of you, actually.” I kiss the tip of her nose in a sweet gesture of affection.

  Maddy just smiles warmly at me, but she doesn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure that she just wants to give me room to speak, so I take her up on it.

  “I saw my mom. She looks horrible – sick, pale, weak. She said she’s sorry and that she wishes she could go back in time to do everything over again. I learned a lot about what an ass my dad really was. They’re divorced now and she’s remarried. That’s how Katie got in touch with me. Our parents are married.” I have to chuckle at the craziness of the story. If it wasn’t my life, I wouldn’t believe things like this could actually happen.

  I shift my weight and bend my elbow so that I can prop my head up on my hand as my thoughts drift back to my real dad. “My dad was a real dick, and apparently, he verbally abused my mom for years, when he was around that is. Mom actually wanted to run away with Shane and me, but he killed himself before she had the chance. I have no clue where my dad is and I can honestly say I just don’t care.” She takes this moment, as I catch my breath, to trace her fingertips over my bicep and shoulder.