You Make Me Tremble

by Karis Walsh

  “Thank you,” Casey whispered close to her ear, so quietly that Iris wasn’t sure if she heard the words or merely felt their vibrations.

  “For the harrowing plane ride, or for lunch?”

  Casey shrugged against her, and Iris wanted to moan with pleasure as the movement made Casey’s breasts brush against hers.

  “For all of this,” Casey said.

  “You’re welcome.” Iris wanted to say more. To ask Casey not to leave. To warn her about how much she was going to miss the shelter that was full of life. But she couldn’t. Maybe she was wrong, and once Casey was back in the city she’d have a full life waiting for her. Parties, places to go, women to date. Iris needed to be here, but maybe Casey had just enjoyed it as a change of pace.

  Casey pulled out of the hug in achingly slow motion until they were nose to nose, and Iris felt each fraction of a millimeter of skin as Casey’s cheek slid along hers. Casey’s fingers brushed through her hair, sifting through the strands and letting them fall against her cheekbones. With the same unhurried pace, Casey leaned closer until her lips pressed against Iris’s in a kiss that felt more reverent than passionate. The scent of Casey filled Iris’s whole being with the sensation of being in the woods after a rain. Fresh and earthy, with spruce and the merest hint of a raindrop falling off a flower petal.

  Iris made a surprising sound, almost a growl, and wrapped her arms around Casey’s back, ending the gentle phase of the kiss and moving to something more. Casey responded to Iris’s impatience with a sense of urgency of her own, opening her mouth at the first touch of Iris’s tongue. Casey’s fingers, which had been moving with teasing slowness through her hair, now gripped her low on her hips, pulling her close with a gentle shifting movement.

  Iris became fluid. Wet with desire, pliable with an aching need to be closer. Hot and damp everywhere her skin touched Casey’s. Not enough skin. She wanted more.

  Casey stopped the kiss with a gasping breath, as if breaking the surface of the water for a gulp of air. She took Iris’s hand and tugged her along, over the baby gate and down the hall to the other bedroom. Iris caught up to her from behind, sliding her arms around Casey’s waist and holding Casey’s back tightly against her front. She felt every shift Casey made, every hitched breath she took.

  “Payback,” Iris whispered before she took Casey’s earlobe between her teeth and nibbled gently. She switched to the same slow motion Casey had used to drive her insane moments before. A trail of tiny bites and licks down the side of her neck to the top of her collarbone. A slow grind of her hips against Casey’s. A tantalizingly unhurried foray under the hem of Casey’s shirt, along her ribcage, and to her breast.

  Iris thought she had felt empowered when she controlled the aircraft, but it couldn’t compare to how she felt now. Casey’s breath came in shuddering waves, and she dropped her head back onto Iris’s shoulder, opening herself to Iris’s mouth. Her skin shivered everywhere Iris touched her, from her taut stomach muscles to her hard nipples. Iris couldn’t go slowly any longer, even if she wanted to. She kept one hand on Casey’s breast, kneading in rhythm with the urgent motion of her hips, and unbuttoned Casey’s jeans with the other. She slid her hand between rough denim and soft skin, reveling in the way the material pressed her close to Casey. Casey was wet and hard and ready, and Iris felt her orgasm along the entire length of her body, as if it was originating inside her.

  Iris relaxed her hold enough for them to move together to the bed and lie down on top of the quilt. She didn’t have time to catch her breath before Casey was straddling her, brushing her hair off her damp forehead and dropping soft kisses over her eyebrows, her temples, and the corners of her mouth. Iris strained toward her, but Casey had already moved on and was kissing her neck, between her breasts, along her stomach.

  Iris closed her eyes, focusing on the sensations Casey was creating every place her hands or mouth touched her. A tug on the waistband of her jeans echoed through Iris’s belly. Strong hands pressed her thighs open, and Iris felt Casey’s breath against her, sending a small chill through her body and making her nipples harden in response. Almost immediately, the coolness was replaced by the burning heat of Casey’s mouth and tongue. Iris cried out from the sheer pleasure of feeling Casey licking and sucking her as her hips moved against the textured fabric of the quilt. Iris called out Casey’s name as she came, spiraling out of control before dropping into a steady pulse. She reached out weak arms for Casey, and held her close.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Casey resisted the insistent pull of sleep. She felt Iris relax in her arms, and she kissed her temple, lingering close to the floral and vanilla scent of her hair as if it was a shield designed to protect them in this space. What was beyond it? Jobs and responsibilities. Good-byes and letting go.

  This day—and this whole time on the islands—had been alternately painful and joyful for Casey. She had worked hard for years to keep memories away and to avoid reflecting on anything but scientific theorems and questions. But here with Iris, on San Juan, she had let some of the past resurface. The memories hurt, as she had expected, but they also made her feel closer to whole than she had felt before. She had been a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, and the memories patched those blank spots with sadness, but also with the colors and shapes that made her who she was.

  The memories had begun as soon as she’d stepped off the ferry, but she would have managed to ignore them as usual if Iris hadn’t been there to ask questions, to share her own past, and to validate Casey’s old anger and sorrow. She kissed Iris again, rubbing her fingers through Iris’s hair and along the curve of her neck, over and over with varying degrees of pressure. Iris’s body responded to every subtle change in touch. She shivered at a delicate tickle of fingernails and moaned and curved closer at a stronger touch. Casey wanted to learn everything about Iris, starting first and foremost with her body’s needs and desires.

  Casey’s hand stilled, and Iris raised her head and propped her chin on Casey’s chest. “What are you thinking?” she asked.

  “Just that this feels good. Right now, exactly like it is.” Casey didn’t have to say anything else because she saw a sadness in Iris’s expression that must be a reflection of her own. The second half of her explanation hung silently between them—yes, this is good, but it’s going to change. It has to change.

  But not immediately. Casey resumed her exploration of Iris’s responses, categorizing them in her mind. If she rubbed the back of her knuckles over the soft swell of Iris’s breast, then Iris sighed and slid her leg between Casey’s thighs. If she held a tight nipple between her thumb and finger, tugging gently, then Iris gasped and pressed her hip against Casey, putting pressure on her reawakening clit. Casey decided Option B was worth a more in-depth study, especially since she discovered a direct correlation between the movement of her fingers and the corresponding pressure from Iris’s hips.

  “You’ve inspired me,” Iris said haltingly, her breath coming more rapidly the more Casey teased her nipple.

  “To do what?” Casey asked. She felt breathless as well, wet and heavy with a need to come, and she raised up on one elbow to allow Iris better access to her.

  “New line of greeting cards,” Iris said, apparently unable to form complete sentences anymore.

  Casey let go of Iris’s breast and moved her hand lower, closing her eyes in pleasure when she felt how wet Iris was. “About rocks?”

  Iris laughed. “Not the puns again. Thank you for great sex cards.”

  “Geology themes would sell better. Mention original horizontality,” Casey suggested. She moved her fingers in a waving motion against Iris’s clit and smiled when Iris’s hips jolted against her in response. “Or oscillation ripples. Something ought to rhyme with that.”

  “How about a Please make me come card?”

  “I’ll send a response to the last one right away.” Casey matched the rhythm of her hips against Iris’s with the rapid movement of her fingers, watching as Iris bit her li
p and closed her eyes before crying out and shuddering against Casey’s hand, setting off a chain reaction inside Casey that made her come for Iris. Because of her. With her.

  * * *

  Iris wanted to stay in bed forever, but she had a shelter full of animals to feed. Leo would take care of the job if she wasn’t out there at dinnertime, but Iris needed to get to work. She was already feeling the loss of Casey even though she was holding her in a tight embrace. Iris had been able to ignore it before, when her body’s needs overruled any thoughts her brain might have had, but her mind reasserted itself now. Soon—hopefully two or three or more nights away—Casey would go. Iris would still be here, so she needed to be here completely now.

  “Feeding time,” Casey said in a drowsy voice.

  Iris kissed the top of her head. “You stay here. I’ll take care of the animals and come back.”

  Casey raised up on her elbows. “I’m not taking a nap while you work. I’ll help, and we’ll be done sooner. And that means we’ll be back in bed sooner.” She pulled herself and Iris to an upright position.

  They got their clothes back in order and went outside with Chert following right behind. The cold evening air was welcome against overheated skin at first, but soon Iris felt goose bumps forming on her arms. She rubbed them briskly and quickened her pace, ready to be back inside the warm bungalow.

  Casey knew the routine by now, and the two of them divided the chores without needing to speak. Iris was pulling the hose around the corner when she heard a vehicle in the parking lot. Casey was feeding the dogs in the infirmary, so Iris went out to see who was there.

  She saw a young couple getting out of a silver minivan, and she met them halfway across the lot. Her heart jumped. Did they want to adopt? Were they looking for a lost pet? The woman was moving stiffly, holding the man’s arm for support.

  “Are you Iris?” he asked with a hopeful tone in his voice.

  “Yes,” she said, shaking hands with the man as he introduced himself as Grayson and his wife as Alice. “How can I help you?”

  “We’ve been missing our dog since the earthquake,” Grayson said with a catch in his voice. “We were in town and Alice went into labor when the quake hit. She wasn’t due for another two months.” He put his arm around her shoulders, and Iris could see days of stress and fear etched on their faces. “She had to be medevaced to Swedish in Seattle. I went with her, but I came back as soon as I could get on a ferry the next day to get our dog. He had gotten out of the yard. I looked for hours, but I had to get back to the hospital.”

  “We weren’t able to leave with the baby until today,” Alice continued the story. “We’ve been calling the humane society, but they’re understaffed and barely answer their phones. Once we got back to the island and asked around, your name came up.”

  “We didn’t mean to leave him,” Grayson said. Iris clearly saw how guilty they both felt. Alice didn’t look like she should be on her feet, let alone driving around to shelters.

  “I understand. I’m just glad your baby and you are okay. Can you describe your dog? Do you have pictures?”

  “Gibson is a male golden retriever, almost five years old,” Grayson said. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through before handing it to her.

  Iris stared at the picture and felt as weak as Alice looked. She’d had her suspicions from the start, but had hoped she was wrong. She hated hoping against one of her dogs finding its home, but she did this time.

  “He was in the woods near Lime Kiln, trapped in an old fishing net,” Iris said. “He was unable to get free, but a friend of mine cut him loose.”

  “You have him? He’s here?” Alice’s face folded into tears.

  “Yes. Can you give me a minute? I’ll bring him out here to you.”

  They nodded and stayed put although she could see they were eager to get to their dog. Iris walked back to the kennels with pain in every step. She wanted another way out, but what could she do? Tell Casey to grab Chert and run out the back? The wonder of their day together, the joy of touching Casey, all of it faded into the background and was replaced by a hollow ache inside. How much worse would it be for Casey?

  Iris found her near the back of the kennels, filling the rest of the water bowls. She turned at the sound of Iris’s approach, and Iris watched her expression shift as she figured out the situation as if Iris had the actual story written on her face. Happiness, concern, realization followed in quick succession on Casey’s. She glanced at Chert who was smiling at them, joyfully unaware of any drama taking place.

  “They’re here,” Casey said.

  “Yes. Oh, Casey, I’m sorry.” Iris felt tears running down her own cheeks even though Casey’s were dry. “If there was something I could do…”

  “Why…” Casey cleared her throat with a shallow sound. “Why did it take them so long to find him? Why did they leave him?”

  “The wife went into labor during the earthquake. Premature. They had to go to the mainland.”

  Casey nodded as if accepting the explanation, but Iris kept talking.

  “They tried, Casey. They didn’t mean to abandon him.”

  “Well, it’s good. For him to go back home. I should…I need to go inside, Iris.”

  She looked at the water hose she was holding as if uncertain how it had gotten in her hand. Iris walked over and took it from her, holding Casey’s chin and making her look up. “Go back to the bungalow. I’ll take care of this and be right there.”

  Casey gave her a hard, desperate kiss on the mouth, and then knelt to hug Chert tightly around his neck. Then she stood up and walked away.

  Iris watched her go, sensing a finality to Casey’s good-bye. Chert started to follow Casey as usual, but Iris whistled for him and he obediently came back. She took him out to the family, praying desperately that they would say she had the wrong dog, but the tremor she felt run through him when he saw his family dispelled all hope that he wasn’t theirs. She watched the reunion with a detachment that was unusual for her. She always felt a flow of emotions when a dog left her shelter—sadness and happiness blended into one powerful singularity—but she only felt as numb as Casey had looked when she heard the news.

  Iris forced herself to work methodically through her outtake process, not wanting her dazed state to get in the way of making sure everything was in order. She had to admit to herself that she was avoiding going back to the bungalow and facing Casey. She had a bunch of platitudes and greeting card snippets in her head, but nothing to help Casey handle the pain of losing her dog and companion. She had a feeling the experience would be even more intense for Casey because she had fought so hard to pretend that she was logical and unemotional.

  Finally, though, the family left. Agatha and Leo had been watching the events from the back of the kennels, and they came out as soon as the car was gone.

  “I…I’ll finish feeding and go talk to her.” Iris stumbled over the words. What would she say? Was there anything that would get through to Casey?

  “Go. Be with her.” Agatha turned her toward the bungalow and gave her a push. “We’ll finish out here.”

  Iris nodded and kept walking, as if Agatha’s push had given her just enough strength to make it to the door of the bungalow. It was ajar, and she went inside, unsure if she would find Casey there or if she had already left.

  She was still there, but her suitcase was on the mussed bed. Iris had to turn away from the scene of their lovemaking—was it really only an hour ago that they had been there, playfully pretending they could ignore the outside world? It felt like weeks had passed between then and now. Iris left the room and went into the back bedroom, where Casey was sitting next to the box of kittens. She had her knees pulled against her chest, and she was watching the kittens without touching them.

  Iris sat on the bed and let the silence stretch between them for a few minutes.

  “I have to go, Iris,” Casey said. Her voice sounded scratchy, as if she had been crying, but her eyes were dry and distant
.

  “You don’t have to. You’re choosing to go.” Iris felt the numbness that had paralyzed her heart vanish at Casey’s words. The resulting rush of emotions, of desperation and pain, felt like a physical wave hit her. She braced her hands on either side of her as if anchoring herself to the bed, to this place.

  “You don’t understand.” Casey turned and looked at her. “It’s not just having him leave. That’s survivable because he’s going home. But if I feel this horrible losing him, how can I handle losing you?”

  Casey winced every time she referred to Chert, obviously trying to downplay the pain she was feeling, but Iris could tell she meant every word of her final sentence.

  “That’s the choice you’re making. The decision was made for you with Chert, but not with me. I love you, Casey. We could try to find some way…”

  Even as she spoke the words, Iris heard the arguments against her suggestion in her mind. She didn’t want to admit to them, but Casey spoke them out loud.

  “Would you be willing to leave the shelter and the animals that depend on you and move to Seattle? I couldn’t live with myself if I asked you to leave your home, but I can’t give up my life and move here.”

  “We could try long-distance. Wait and see if a solution comes up.”

  Casey shook her head. “You know it wouldn’t work. And I don’t know what I’d do if I heard the news that you’d found someone else, someone who lives here and can truly share your life.”

  “So you’re giving up? Because you might get hurt?”

  Casey nodded, not rising to the angry challenge in Iris’s voice. “Exactly. I should have done the same thing with the dog. Dropped him off here and not let myself get attached.”

  Iris stood up, too frustrated to sit still any longer. “Do you regret the time you shared with him? With me?”

  Casey sat still, with barely discernible and unreadable emotions flickering in her expression. “No,” she said quietly. “I’ll never forget you, Iris. Living here, working with you. What we shared this afternoon. But the longer we let this go on, the harder it will be when it’s time to separate. It makes sense to end things now instead of later.”