Oh hell, the tears were falling now, so fast I couldn’t track a single one. They just slid down my face in rivers, and I knew from the burning in my nostrils that my nose would start running in a minute. My chest ached. I wanted to rub it with the heel of my hand to make the pain go away, but I’d already put my feelings into the air. That was all I was going to allow him to see of my pain. This had gone on long enough. I’d said what I had to say, well, almost.
“You know what, Ashley Sugarbaker? I don’t need that job at Anderson Investments. It was something to do, and Gabe knew it. That’s why he hired me. Because he knew I could do the job with my eyes closed, and I didn’t, under any circumstances, need the money. He knew I needed something else. Well, I got all that and more. So this shouldn’t come as a shock to you, but I quit. Also, fuck you very much, you rock-headed asshole. I hope you’re happy, you monster.”
It was stupid, but manners dictated I not flounce off and slam the door. “Alice, it was very nice meeting you. I know I should apologize for speaking in front of you like I did, but I can’t, and I hope you can understand that and forgive me. I don’t care if you forgive him.”
I didn’t even make a noise with the door as I left, I shut it gently, without even a click. My phone was already out of my pocket before I even got to the elevator. No one tried to follow me or stop me, and I liked that just fine.
15
Ash
I’d never had my ass so completely whipped in my entire life. Not from my parents, not from my Gigi, not even at the gym. Caroline cut my knees out from under me and left me squirming on the floor. I didn’t have a fucking leg to stand on. Everything she’d said was spot on. I had no rebuttal.
“Church.” I tried to reach out to her but the door had already closed She’d effectively cut me off. I could try to get her before she left the building, but from the raw pain in her voice, I knew she would not welcome me anywhere near her. Not now. Maybe not ever. I hadn’t just embarrassed her—although I did do that, horribly. The whole time we’d been together, I’d thoroughly rejected everything about her, while simultaneously demanding everything from her. I’d always stood on top of the world, I fought for my place in it. Then why did I feel like the bottom of the shit pile now?
“Ashley.”
Oh shit, Gigi. I’d come to introduce my girlfriend to my sick grandma, and instead I had a brawl in her living room. What if this threw her into an episode? It would be entirely my fault. I couldn’t even look at her. I didn’t want to see the condemnation in her eyes.
A blinding pain exploded upside my head. It didn’t last long, but the projectile was enough to snap me out of my shock for two seconds. Angry red stars exploded behind my eyes and I whirled toward the attacker. An attacker who still sat in the chair, her slippered feet crossed at the ankles and a bemused smile on her face. I looked at the carpet by my feet to see the television remote with the green rubber cover lying on the floor.
“Gigi, that hurt.” It still kind of did. And people wondered where I got my violent streak from.
“Got your attention though, didn’t it? And you can’t tell me it hurt worse than what you did to Caroline. Open your mouth to excuse anything you said today and I’ll pop you with something else.” The smile slipped from her face and the grim set of her lips expressed her extreme displeasure. “A gentleman would never insult a lady like that, Ashley, and I raised you to be a gentleman.”
Any other time I would have replied with, You didn’t raise me to be anything. You raised Dexter Truitt, but I couldn’t bring myself to say such a bratty thing. Not after everything that had transpired.
“I think it will be okay.” Dexter still sat on the tiny loveseat, his legs crossed like he didn’t have a care in the world and his arm slung over his lady friend. Bianca, I think Church said her name was.
“What about any of this makes you think happy thoughts?” Okay, maybe I growled at him, but I was still angry. I glanced behind me quickly to see if Gigi had anything else in her hand. First time was a remote. Second time might be a fucking bowling ball or something, Jesus.
“Because you made her cry, man. I’ve known Caroline for many years, and she doesn’t cry. She doesn’t even get angry. She gets irritated. Irritation is a tiny thing; it lets you drop people and things without a thought. Without a feeling. But not only did she yell at you—she cried. That means she felt feelings, is still feeling feelings. She never cried in front of me. It’s the first time I’ve seen it. She never yelled at me either. Didn’t care enough about me to get mad, I guess. That sarcasm, though…ouch.”
Yeah, he had me there. Caroline’s tongue was sharp enough to etch glass. But hell, I didn’t even know where to start. “I’m not going to apologize for not liking you.” There were a lot of ways I would need to humble myself in the near future, but I wasn’t going to start with Dexter Truitt.
“That’s okay, I don’t give a shit if you like me or not. Sorry, Suge.” Dexter smothered his grin as he tried to look contrite in front of my grandmother. Her snort let everyone in the room know she wasn’t buying it.
“Gigi, I’m so sorry.” I sank to my knees in front of her chair and rested my forehead on her clasped hands. She grabbed a handful of my hair and tugged, not so gently, until I raised my head to look at her. “You should be, Ashley, but I don’t think it’s me you should be focusing on apologizing to right now. You did a bad thing today, and you know it.” For a minute I was a little kid again, waiting for my grandma to tell me what I should do.
“I don’t know what to do, Gigi.” That was a lie. I knew what I had to do. My pride just didn’t want to let me go.
“You’re a grown man, figure it out.” Then she turned her head away from me and smiled at the pair on the loveseat. “Dexter, aren’t you going to introduce me to your lovely guest?”
And with that, I was dismissed. My Gigi was kicking me out, and damn if that didn’t hurt just as bad as everything else that was going on. I’d never felt so low in my entire life, even though, as I got stood straight again, I towered over everyone else in the room.
“Go fix it, Ashley, and don’t come back until you do. And so help me if you show up next time without Caroline, I’ll…” She looked around for something else to throw and I used that as my moment to escape. I knew it. She didn’t have to tell me.
I stood outside Caroline’s apartment door so long I probably looked like a stalker, and maybe I was, I sure felt crazy enough. I didn’t bother calling her. I knew she was home. I also knew she did not, under any circumstances, want to see my face right now. But if I didn’t try to fix what I did right away, she’d be gone like smoke from a fire, floating away to some other place. I’d never see her again. Especially if she went back home. She didn’t belong there anymore anyway, she’d as much as admitted that. What I needed to make her understand was she belonged with me. I’d done a shit job of it before, just danced around the issue, expecting Church to stay because I wanted her to. What I failed to realize was that Church was also Caroline Gower. And no man was going to command her to do anything she didn’t want to do.
I just hoped to God she still wanted me. Even a tiny amount. Just a sliver was enough. I could work with that.
The door swung open while I was still working up the courage to knock. “Get in here, stupid. Or do you want to loiter some more until someone calls the cops? You look like a wise guy hulking in the hallway.” Ruby filled the entire doorway with her presence, even though she stood five foot nothing. Right now, she had the power over me. She was my entrance into Caroline’s home. If I couldn’t get past the gatekeeper I couldn’t gain entry to the kingdom. Ruby had always been respectful of my position at the office. We always had our witty banter, but she had never looked at me with eyes so angry and cold before. “I ain’t never seen her like this before, so you listen to me. I might be costing my friendship by letting you in here, but in my heart, I think you can fix this. I don’t know what happened, couldn’t get her to stop crying enough to make
coherent sounds and tell me, but if you broke it, it’s your responsibility to fix it. Now. She said she quit work and that’s bullshit. If I don’t see her on Monday morning, my ass will be gone by the afternoon and I’m telling Gabe. I know my worth; I’ll have a new job in a minute. Stop thinking with your dick and fix my friend.”
I pretended her finger jabbing into my chest didn’t hurt, but I felt every searing poke like a razor, digging through the flesh and into the bone like a burning brand above my heart. I didn’t care if she told Gabe. I wasn’t afraid of Gabe Anderson. I didn’t want Ruby to leave either, and I didn’t really think she would. Probably. But Caroline was still crying, enough that she was still a mess, and I did that. I broke her. Ruby was right, I had to try to fix things if I could. Fuck me, I hoped I could.
“Oh Ruby, no, you didn’t.” Caroline’s voice was raspy and rough, and it scraped at my insides to hear it. She’d changed out of the clothes she’d worn earlier and stood on the other side of the living room wearing a pair of worn purple lounge pants and a fuzzy white sweater that sunk low over one shoulder, with sleeves so long they came down over both hands. There must have been holes in the wrists because her thumbs poked through the sides. It looked comfortable as hell.
She would have looked adorable as hell too, except for the fact that her face was mottled and red, her eyes swollen and puffy from crying. Her nose looked like a cherry, she must have blown it, and her hair was pulled back on top of her head in a messy bun that kind of slipped sideways. If I tugged it just a little, I bet the whole thing would come undone.
“Ruby, get him out of here.” Awful big demand for someone wearing clothes four sizes too big for her, standing on the other side of the room with her arms crossed, looking like a pissed off teenager.
“Oh no, rich girl, this is beyond my experience. Y’all have some domestic shit going on, and I do not do domestic. If I thought you were in any danger from him I wouldn’t let him in, but whatever has you so upset that you threw up about it . . . and don’t give me that look . . . he deserves to know the after effects, needs to be addressed. Unless you do feel threatened and need him removed. You gonna leave if I tell you to?”
Ruby looked at me, her eyebrows damn near catapulting off her forehead in challenge. I didn’t say shit, just stood there staring her down. “That’s what I thought. The only ones who could get this man out of here right now are the police. You want me to call the police on him? Or do you want to have a civilized conversation like the adults I know you are and get your lives straight?” She didn’t wait for an answer, just grabbed her gaudy striped shoulder bag from a nearby table and swept past where I stood, blocking the door. She must have changed her mind about storming out because she turned at the door and stared at Caroline. “I’m not going to leave you like this. I know you need to work on…whatever…but I won’t leave you alone without your permission. Rich girl, are you okay if I leave? Not just mad at him. But are you okay if I walk out this door?”
Caroline nodded, mute.
“Ruby, thank you.”
“Shut up, I’m still mad at you and you don’t get to talk to me right now.” Ruby slung her bag over her shoulder with a mighty heave. The damn thing was almost big as she was. “Caroline, I’m going home but I’m just a phone call away, just like when I came and picked you up, crying outside of an old folks home.” Ruby was talking to Church, but looking me dead in the eyes as she spoke. “Girl, you’re my friend and I love you. I love you. See how easy that is to say? I love you, but I’m going home. Call me later and tell me how you roasted his ass.”
She left then, and not quietly either. She stomped her displeasure all the way down the hallway until she was far enough away we couldn’t hear her anymore. I couldn’t hear anything really, not over the blood roaring in my ears. It was just Church and I now, and she was just as nervous as I was judging from the way her chest rose and fell. She looked to be six half breaths away from a panic attack, and I didn’t know a single word I could say to keep that from happening.
“Church, I’m sorry.”
“No.” She cut my next words off with her knife-like tongue. “You don’t get to come in here and call me a pet name like I’m something to you. Not after what you said earlier. You call me by my name.”
Fuck. That hurt. She used meant something in the past tense. Like she still didn’t mean everything, it’s the only reason I was over here, trying to fix the damage I’d done.
“Caroline, please listen to me.”
“Why? Got some other insults hidden in that big rock head of yours? Want the full list of people I’ve slept with? Want to know who I lost my virginity to? News flash, he was rich. They were all rich. We fucked on a bed stuffed with thousand-dollar bills if you must know. Best night of my life.”
All right, maybe I deserved that, but we weren’t going to get anywhere if she kept lashing out at me. Dexter was right. Her words were painful.
“Caroline, stop interrupting me, damn it. I’m trying to apologize to you. Can you just be silent for, like, fifteen seconds while I get it out. I’m trying to bare my soul, damn woman.” She didn’t reply, just shifted her weight from foot to foot. The flaring of her nostrils was the only response.
“I was wrong. I was an asshole. I embarrassed you and said terrible things. I was caught by surprise with Dexter, I didn’t expect to see him and I sure as hell didn’t expect you two to know each other.”
“Say it.”
“Say what?”
“We didn’t just know each other. That’s not what pissed you off, say it.” Caroline took several steps closer to me as she argued. Her words were spitting angry, but at least she was moving closer. A few more feet and she’d be close enough for me to touch.
“Of course I was shocked that you had a relationship with him. That you slept with him.” The words spewed out of my mouth. I’d been holding them in for too long. “Shit, if anyone had an arch nemesis, he’s mine. My whole life I’ve been chasing this guy’s shadow and I finally find out something…someone”—I amended as her eyes widened—“I finally find someone whose heart I want for my own, only to find out you were his first. I was taking you to meet my grandmother, Caroline. If that doesn’t tell you what you mean to me, I don’t know how else to make you understand.” I’d taken two steps forward also, and she hadn’t moved back so the distance between us closed even further.
“He didn’t have me. Or my heart.” She whispered it so low I almost didn’t hear her, especially with her face turned away from me all of a sudden.
“What?”
“I said, he didn’t have me. Not in the way you do. Not in the way it counts. Yeah, we slept together. He didn’t have a space in my heart like you do. He didn’t have me, here. Where it fucking hurts. You hurt me, and I’ve never been hurt like this before, and I don’t like it. I don’t know what to do to make it stop.”
Shit. Neither did I.
16
Caroline
I said I didn’t know what to do and it was the truth. I’d never been in this situation before, and I was so lost. I hurt so bad I didn’t really want to talk to him, but I also didn’t want him to walk out the door and leave me alone with all the feelings I had either. I was hot on the outside and ice cold on the inside. I wanted to hit him with my fists to make him hurt like I did, but I also wanted him to hold me until I stopped crying. I was a damn mess.
“I’m hurting too.” I looked up from the floor then, ready to blast him after that line of bullshit, but couldn’t make my lips form the words when I saw his face. Raw pain etched every line from his eyes to his jaw. His mouth was wrenched downward, completely different than his normal ‘I’m grumpy’ face. He didn’t stand up straight, just kind of hunched over, defeated. What did he have to hurt about?
“I hurt you and that hurts me. I didn’t know how bad until the words were out of my mouth, and if I could stuff them back inside until they were just a thought and then unthink them I would. But I can’t. I wish I’d never
said it.”
I knew what he was talking about. “You called me leftovers. That’s just like saying sloppy seconds.” The words came out on a sob. No use pretending I wasn’t torn to shreds over it. He should feel guilty. What a horrible thing to say. He flinched.
“I didn’t mean it, I swear.”
“Oh yes you fucking did. You meant it. You were looking for something shitty and hurtful to say and you pulled it right out of your arsenal like ammo and guess what? Shots fired, Ash. You shot me good, I’m bleeding all over the place, you son of a bitch.” I took a step forward, and then another, until we were toe to toe. I hadn’t wanted to get that close, but every word out of my mouth slapped across his face—I knew, I could tell by the way he flinched every time I hammered home the truth.
“I wasn’t aiming for you.” The words were hoarsely whispered above me.
“It doesn’t matter who you were aiming at. You were firing at random because you were mad and I was the collateral damage.” I didn’t even care if I was yelling anymore. Let me scream. He deserved it. Not even the increasing volume of my voice was able to drown out my pain. My rage.
Mister Monster: A Hero Club Novel Page 10