But I’d been careless, I’d gotten too close. So confident in my anger, I failed to notice he’d lured me into his trap until he had his arms on mine, spinning me around until my back was to his chest. He held me there while I struggled, not hurting, but sure as hell not letting go. “Church, stop, please just listen. It’s okay that you’re mad. You deserve to be mad. I’ll take that. I’ll take your anger and your hurt, lay it on me, but don’t leave.”
What nonsense was he talking about? He was in my apartment.
“Just look me in the eye and tell me something. Just turn around and tell me you don’t like me. Just do that.” Quick as a whip, I turned in his arms and raised my chin until I was staring straight into his steel-gray eyes.
“I don’t like you.” I was dead serious; I hated his guts at the moment.
“Okay, not what I meant, but progress.” Ash moved his arms until his hands circled my lower back. He wasn’t pinning me anymore, but I certainly wasn’t going anywhere. He rested his chin on the top of my head. “It’s okay if you don’t like me, I don’t like myself very much right now either. Now tell me you don’t love me. Don’t lie and don’t yell. You don’t even have to look at me, okay? Just take a deep breath and calmly tell me you don’t love me. That you don’t feel the same way I feel about you, because right now this whole mess has my guts ripped open and spilling on the floor.”
I took a deep breath and steeled myself for retaliation, but stopped short before I could unleash another volley of angry words. Tell him I don’t love him? That’s easy, right? Just open your mouth and say it, Caroline. I’ve never felt anything remotely like love for any of the men I’d been with, and hell if I even knew if that’s what this was. Everything with Ash was a painful argument. That couldn’t be love, could it? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I didn’t know. But all I had to do was open my mouth and say the words, and it would all be over.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t say I didn’t love him because I did. And that’s why it felt like I was dying inside, and that’s why my ears didn’t pick up on what he’d said at first, but when I did, the first hitching sobs started and there was nothing I could do to make them stop.
Tell me you don’t feel the same way I feel about you. It was weird, and a little off putting, kind of like everything Ash did because, well, he was Ash. But in his own domineering way, he’d said what neither of us could say before. That he loved me. The only man I think I’d been with that ever tried.
Tell him I didn’t love him? I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t do anything but collapse against him and cry. And he took it, all of it, until I was nothing but a soggy mess in his arms and he still didn’t push me away. Even though I didn’t say I loved him. I didn’t have to. I didn’t say I didn’t love him, and he was a smart enough man that he could read between the lines. And I loved that about him as well, to know me and my pride well enough to not make me say something so hard, but still acknowledge my feelings by not lying about them.
But I was still mad.
“I’m not a nice man, Church. But I don’t care what anyone thinks of me but you. Everything I’ve done with you has been wrong from the start. I treated you poorly because you had money. I let my prejudice about the way I was raised get the better of me. I was so damn jealous of Dexter Truitt I couldn’t see anything else but my dislike of him. He didn’t take my Gigi away from me. I just didn’t want to share her with him. I know he loves her. His whole family does. Everything they’ve ever done for her has come from a good place. I’m just a spoiled little kid who wanted to bogart my grandmother’s love, especially after my parents died. I’m a terrible person, okay? And it threw me over the edge to think that I had to share anything else with him in this whole world—even your feelings.”
I tried to pull away from him then, anger creeping in over my sadness, but he wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t let me move.
“He didn’t deserve you anyway. No part of you. Because if he knew you half as well as I’ve come to in the small amount of time since we’ve met, he’d never let you go. He’d have begged for your time and your energy. He would have groveled for it, like I am now. He didn’t deserve you.”
“Neither do you.” I tried to get the words out around a mouthful of his shirt, he had me squeezed so tightly in his arms, like he was afraid I would evaporate and sneak away if he let up at all.
“I know. I don’t. But I need you anyway. Church, I will do anything to make this right. I’ll call Dexter Truitt right now and beg for his forgiveness if it means you forgive me too. Fuck, I’ll do it on my knees if you want.”
Oh, he would not. It was completely inappropriate given the situation but I still snorted into his shirt. I felt his arms relax for a second.
“Don’t quit.”
“What?” I didn’t know if I’d heard him correctly, but did he just ask me not to quit?
“Don’t quit. Because if you quit, you’ll leave and I can’t not have you here. If you want to do something else in the company, that’s fine. Hell, you can have my job, just please don’t leave. I know if you do it’s my fault and I deserve it, but I can’t not have you here. I can’t. Please.”
It was the please that did me in. The man had probably never used the word in his entire existence, and his arms were wrapped around me so tight I could feel him shaking through his clothes. It cost him to say those words to me, and he was afraid I was going to bolt, that’s why he wouldn’t let go. Shit, I’m crying harder. I didn’t want to go. I liked it here. I liked my coworkers and thrifting with Ruby, and teasing Gabe about being a country cousin. I liked the art gallery/tattoo parlor and decorating my own place with things I found while out wandering and not ordering from a high-class boutique. I liked buying my own groceries at the store instead of having staff that did it for me. I did not enjoy cleaning my bathroom and kitchen, but that was just a part of daily life. And honestly, I could still have someone come and do that for me if I really wanted. Me living in Ohio didn’t change anything about my money situation. I still had more money than I would need to live on here if I stayed and didn’t work at all.
But I liked it. In truth, I loved it. I had a place I belonged where I earned my spot and I didn’t want to lose that. And Ash…I didn’t want to lose him either. But I couldn’t let him off the hook so easily. “You just don’t want me to quit because if I quit Ruby leaves.”
“Ruby has threatened to quit no less than thirty times in the ten years she’s worked for me. She’s going nowhere. You, on the other hand, mean exactly what you say, so I need to hear it from you right now before I can even think of letting you go. Please stay.”
“What if I said I wouldn’t sleep with you again?” The words were muffled into his shirt as I surreptitiously wiped my nose on the already wet fabric.
“Okay.” His answer was way too swift.
“I’m serious. What if I tell you I don’t want to have sex with you? Does that change anything about what you’re saying right now?”
He pulled away just far enough to look down at me with a questioning gaze. “For how long?”
He was really pushing his luck. “For at least today, maybe ever,” I cried, pushing out of his embrace all the way and backing up, wrapping my arms around myself so I didn’t make the mistake of running into his again. But he was faster than I was and had a longer reach.
“I’m kidding. Whatever you want. Okay, Church? Whatever you want. Please forgive me. Please. Let’s just stay like this. Let’s sit on the couch and watch a movie. We don’t have to leave the apartment. We don’t have to do anything. Just sit with me and let me hold you and know you’re mine.”
“I’m hungry.” And I was. Sobbing my brains out was epic tasking on the body and mine needed sustenance. Like pizza. Or pasta.
“Church, I will buy you a restaurant if you’ll just put me out of my misery. I can’t take much more here. Tell me you’ll stay and I can stay. Tell me I can stay all night.”
What was the point in fight
ing any longer? He knew how I felt and I knew he was in the same predicament. We could keep arguing about the pain but that wouldn’t make any of it go away, and I was tired, so exhausted of feeling not good enough. Of being unwanted. Because this big, stupid man wanted me to stay—downright begged me to. And honestly, all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, under his arm, and feel his body heat next to me while we pretended to watch a movie.
I leaned into him and rested my forehead on his chest, letting my eyes close briefly, and inhaled the unique scent of Ashley Sugarbaker. “I want carbs.”
My stomach flopped as I was swept off my feet and planted on the couch. Instead of next to him, snuggled up under his arm like I thought, I was situated square on his lap, and he was very happy to have me there, I could tell. “I said no sex!”
“I said we wouldn’t have any sex, not that I wouldn’t want to. Ignore it, it’ll go away.” Ash pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit a button. He ordered manicotti, fettuccini, breadsticks, salad and two bottles of red wine. Then he rattled off my address and hung up the phone.
“You can order wine for delivery?” I asked. I was pretty sure that wasn’t a thing.
“I know a guy. And you wanted pasta.” Ash snuggled deeper into the couch, pulling me with him until we were lying on our sides. Well, him lying mostly flat and me half laying on top of him, one cheek on the actual cushions and the other desperately trying to ignore his happiness to be snuggling with me.
“I never said I wanted pasta.”
“Church, you had Italian food written all over your face. Tell me you don’t want it. I can call and cancel it.” Ash reached for his phone again.
“Don’t you dare. The manicotti and the breadsticks are mine. You can have the fettuccini and the salad. And the wine is mine too. You can have water. From the tap.” I could feel his laughter through my back and the arm he had slung around my waist. He wiggled again, pulled me along for the ride until he was lying flat on his back and I was sprawled across his body on my stomach. “I said I’m not having sex with you and I mean it.”
Ash pulled my head down to his and tasted my mouth slowly. Tenderly. Kissing me as gently as possible, like he’d never done until then. I opened my mouth just a little. Just to give him better access with this achingly gentle kiss, and he murmured against my lips, “I totally respect that.”
The delivery guy had to leave the food outside the door. The white bags with the words “Affini’s” in red letters had been sitting on the mat long enough for the food to get cold. Maybe he rang the bell. Maybe more than once. But maybe he didn’t, we’ll never know.
17
Ash
I’ll admit I was never happier than when Church said she’s come back to work. I had to promise not to put the moves on her at the office, which was fine…and you know…legal. But then she had to promise to stop tottering around in those damn heels…which she called power shoes…and tempting me with her skin tight pencil skirts. Her clothes were actually always office appropriate, and on anyone else I wouldn’t think to look twice, but her? She’d have my attention in sweatpants and an old concert tee. Church could make my dick hard wearing a Snoopy nightshirt.
“I dress for myself and not to tempt you. Your inability to manage your boner is a reflection of your pitiful self-control and not any problem of mine.” I would agree with her sentiment if she wasn’t grinning like a Cheshire cat when she said it. And I know for a fact she wasn’t wearing underwear today because she stayed over at my house last night and I watched her get dressed, so I called bullshit on the whole self-righteous speech.
That woman knew exactly what she was doing. As a matter of fact, ever since we had our fall out we’d been spending every night together. Sometimes at her house and sometimes at mine. I wanted to ask her to move in with me, but I knew she would balk at the thought. In a small sense, she was still just gaining her independence. Maybe just from her family, or their expectations, but I wasn’t willing to push her in a direction she didn’t want to go. Besides, in private, when we weren’t at the office, I had no problem getting her to admit she was mine alone.
Amongst other things.
The only thing I didn’t like were the smart ass looks Ruby threw my way. And she was spending entirely too much time on the top floor, hovering around in Church’s office while the two of them whispered together and shuffled papers around. I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything, but when they started playing around in the office across the hall from Caroline’s my curiosity got the better of me.
“What are you guys doing in here? Is there a lack of accounting work for you to do, Ruby? Because I could probably come up with some expense reports if you need something to do.”
“This is my new office. I’m moving up here starting Monday, so rich girl and I are marking things off and deciding where everything goes.” Ruby put a defiant hand on her hip, just waiting for me to say something. I looked at Caroline for support, but she refused to meet my eyes. She couldn’t stop her lips from quivering though. I knew when I was being hustled.
“Oh no. No, no, no. You’re already bossy enough. I don’t need you up here telling me what to do all day. Who authorized this?” Although I already knew.
“Gabe,” they both said simultaneously. Jesus, he was always popping up to be annoying.
“He doesn’t even work here anymore,” I thundered to no one, because neither one of them gave a shit about what I was saying.
“So, he still owns the place and he’s still your boss.” Ruby wanted to say more but she knew enough to toe the line. I was still her superior. “It’s more fun up here anyway.”
“Work isn’t supposed to be fun,” I grumbled, but I’d already left the room and they were already done talking to me. I could hear them saying something about paint samples as I stomped down the hall to my office. Well, I tried to stomp. The carpet was so damn thick even my heavy footsteps were muffled by the fibers. I’d offered to give Church that office, but she’d refused to take it. Was that why? Because she wanted Ruby to come up here and work with her? I may have complained, but secretly I was glad to see her making positive changes at Anderson Investments. It meant she wasn’t going anywhere; that she planned on staying. I know what she said to me when I was practically begging on that shitty night three months ago, but part of me still worried that I’d fuck up and she’d be gone. That’s what love did. It made me constantly think of someone else. I couldn’t remember a time when my thoughts didn’t have Church in them. If she wanted to have busybody up on the top floor, then fine, let them have their thing. After hours, she was all mine.
It took a little while but we went back to see Gigi and I apologized again, this time like a gentleman, much to my grandmother’s delight. She loved Caroline so much more the second meeting, probably because she gave me a run for my money, but also maybe because she saw me making connections with someone besides her. It was painful to think about, but my Gigi probably wouldn’t be around much longer. That first visit was great, but the subsequent three were not. The second time, Gigi didn’t recognize Caroline, so I had to introduce her again, and the third time she didn’t know either of us. In fact, she thought we were there to take her away from her home and to the hospital. She got so worked up the nurses had to ask us to leave just so she would calm down. Caroline took it like a champion, but she spent most of her time after that trying to get me to feel better. I couldn’t tell her there was nothing she could do to make me feel better about the disease that was eating away at my grandmother.
Just having Church near me afterwards was as good as I could hope to ask for. And with Gigi’s condition deteriorating more rapidly, I would probably have to communicate with Dexter more often. It was Church’s idea. One, it made my Gigi happy to think we were talking to each other. And two, if I gave Dexter the information instead of him calling the center behind my back, it gave me a little more control over the situation. Maybe it was petty, but at least Church understood I needed that. The control. My Gig
i was slipping away faster than I could grasp at her, but at least I could do this. I could swallow my pride enough to reach out to Dexter Truitt if it made my Gigi’s last years on earth a little more palatable.
I’d do anything for Gigi. With Church’s help.
Sitting in my office at the end of the hall was a bit lonely now that I had someone I wanted to actually spend time with, and I thought about heading back down toward the girls to see what kind of absolutely anarchist mischief they were planning but the elevator dinged at the end of the hallway. It wouldn’t have been noteworthy anywhere else, but this was the top floor. The only people that came up here were myself, Church, and Ruby. I didn’t even take clients up here. This was my personal working space, and I kept it that way. I didn’t even see clients in this office. Hell, I hardly saw clients anymore at all. Mostly my job consisted of dealing with shareholders and board members and keeping them from fighting all the time. No wonder Gabe was off doing something else with his time. Being the figurehead of Anderson Investments was really more like being a glorified babysitter.
Regardless, no one ever came up here. Well, hardly ever. Actually, now that I thought about it, there was someone else who never bothered with propriety and busted into my office all the time without asking. It’d been a while since she’d graced me with her presence, though.
But it couldn’t be her…could it?
I hoped not, because that would fuck up the tenuous relationship Church and I were building. And I did not have the time, or the patience, to even ease her into that particular shitstorm. But the choice was taken right out of my hands as the door opened, and a small flash of blond hair came hurtling into my office at top speed. I barely had time to open my arms before they were filled with a very wiggly, very happy little four-year-old boy. And behind him, walking slower, taking more care with her steps, was his mother. And behind her, leaning into the hallway with their mouths open and eyes wide, were Ruby and Church.
Mister Monster: A Hero Club Novel Page 11