Penny and Boots Complete Series Omnibus: An Unveiled Academy Novel - Snakes and Shadows, Werewolves and Wendigo, Pixels and Poltergeists, Bunyips and Billabongs

by Amy Hopkins

  “That’s so sad.” Amelia walked over to the big monster. “Hey, big guy. Can I buy you a drink?”

  “Dude, your girlfriend is crazy,” Cisco whispered to Red.

  “Aye. She is dating a werewolf, though.” Red flinched when Paddy jumped up and slapped his back.

  “Ah! I knew I could smell somethin’ fae on ye! My wee countryman, one of us.” Paddy dabbed invisible tears from his eyes with an oversized handkerchief that appeared out of nowhere.

  “Uhh, thanks, I guess?” Red shifted awkwardly on the spot, and Paddy slapped a palm against his forehead.

  “Ye need a table! Strike me down, Paddy’s too distracted to even think. Come, lads—and lass—and I’ll find ye a place to sit.” He led the way to a corner table. Boots easily dodged the crowd as she followed.

  Penny shuffled past the cluster of Greeks, mumbling apologies as she stepped on a sandal-clad toe. When she looked up, she groaned. “You again?”

  Bacchus swept his hand wide, and his companions stepped back to let her pass. “You make that sound like a horrible thing.”

  “Sorry.” Penny gave a conciliatory grin. “I just wasn’t expecting to see you.”

  She had to admit that Bacchus himself hadn’t really done anything to unsettle her. It was more that his frequent appearances…well, it felt like it meant something. I’m just pissy because I feel like I’m being left out, she admitted. With that realization, she felt like a dick.

  “Join us,” she insisted. If nothing else, he might know something about cures for werewolfism.

  Bacchus tipped his head up. “Are you sure?”

  Penny nodded. “We came to celebrate Paddy. What better way than with the god of celebration?”

  “While not entirely correct, I will let that slide.” Bacchus waved his hand at the bar staff.

  Penny followed him to the table where Red and Cisco were already seated. Paddy stood on a chair, regaling them with the tale of his courtroom drama.

  “And I, I said, am presented forthwith to be handin’ this here parchment to ye, for the purposes of me provin’ meself worthy of bein’ a bein’. And the lass, she looked at me with a deadness in her eyes, and she did say that I be in the wrong place, ye see, and that she was only to be seein’ to those what had to be payin’ a fine for drivin’ like a drunken goat.”

  Bacchus coughed. “My friend, can I offer you a drink in recognition of your victory?” Bacchus pulled a flask seemingly from nowhere, and Paddy accepted it cheerfully.

  “Victory?” Penny murmured. “He hasn’t won yet.”

  “No, the victory was finding the damned courthouse to begin with,” Bacchus whispered back, mischief in his voice. “He tried to lodge his application first at the DMV, then at a commercial healing practice.”

  “I’ve…never heard a medical surgery described quite like that.” Penny covered her grin with her hand before taking a quick gulp of Bacchus’s whiskey. It was, like all of the god’s liquid creations, exquisite. “You’re spoiling me, Bacchus. I won’t be able to go back to bottom-shelf spirits after this.”

  “All the better. I much prefer associating with those of impeccable taste,” the god said with a grin. He raised his glass in a toast. “To Paddy!”

  The friends cheered the leprechaun, Boots hissing in appreciation with them. Penny downed another drink when her cup refilled itself, raising it to clink against Cisco’s glass first.

  “Bacchus, what do you know about werewolves?” Penny watched her companion’s face carefully as she asked while one hand fumbled in her pocket. She wasn’t about to lose a cure for Red’s affliction to one of the god’s tricks. She readied her phone to record what he might say.

  To her dismay, Bacchus shrugged. “Not a great deal, I’m afraid. Tricky beasts. I believe it’s one of the few conditions without a viable cure.” He chucked Penny under the chin. “But don’t fret. It’s not such a bad life. Your friend might even come to enjoy it.”

  Penny chewed her lip. “You said, ‘you believe…’ Do you mean there might be something out there?”

  “There could be,” Bacchus conceded. “After all, you’re drinking with a god. Anything is possible if you believe in it hard enough.”

  Ignoring the flutter of worry in her gut, Penny changed the subject. “Is everyone here a Myther?”

  Bacchus ran his eyes over the room. “Not all. The staff is human, of course. But those two women at the bar? They are witches.”

  “I got that,” Penny said dryly. The pair looked like they had stepped off the set of The Wizard of Oz. “Do people really believe that’s what witches look like?”

  “There was a period of time when that was the case.” Bacchus gestured to Amelia, who was still chatting with her new friend. The monster wore a gaping, jagged-edged grin that sent a shiver down Penny’s spine. “That one is a combination of childhood myth mixed with a desire to see the good in people. Is it not surprising how many humans not only have faith in a terrible monster out to bite their feet off, but believe him to simply be maligned and misunderstood?”

  “I guess it shows how lonely some people are,” Penny said quietly. “I can relate to that.” Her eyes darted to Cisco, and heat touched her cheeks. “I’m glad I don’t feel that way anymore.”

  “That is Hera and Loki. The older ones, not the child-gods worshipped by the new believers.” He gave a circumspect nod to two toga-clad figures whispering in the corner. As if sensing Bacchus’ attention, the woman turned cold eyes on him, then stepped delicately to the side so her back faced him as she continued her conversation.

  “Over there, the guardian races.” Bacchus’s eyes slid to a plump, older woman in a wool coat and two tall blonde women with gossamer wings and halos.

  “They’re what?” Penny wondered what the two angels had to do with the matron-like woman.

  “A fairy godmother and two guardian angels.” As he spoke, the matron wriggled her coat off to reveal tiny sparkling wings on her back. She nodded in agreement with one of the angels, then plucked a wand from her pocket and gave it a twitch. A steaming mug appeared on the table and she took a sip, her rosy cheeks brightening with glee.

  The bell over the door tinkled, and it swung open. A dog—at least, it looked a little like a dog—leaped through and up onto a table, turning its long, sculpted nose toward Bacchus. Even seated, its tail stood stiffly upright to show off a forked tip.

  “Ah, Sha is here. I must go speak to him.” Bacchus slid his chair back and gave Penny an apologetic bow. “Please excuse me.” He left and joined the canine-like creature at another table.

  “Ah, he left before fillin’ me cup!” Paddy cursed, then hooted with delight when his glass began to fill from an invisible source. “My favorite god, that one. Well, apart from me own.”

  “Who are your gods, Paddy?” Penny asked. “Is it the Tuatha de Danann?” Her tongue tripped over the Gaelic, unable to pronounce the name as Red had tried to teach her.

  “Aye, but don’t let them hear ye butcher their name like that, lass!” Paddy stepped over a bowl of fries on the table to come nearer. “Their wrath be mighty and swift.”

  “Oh.” Penny glanced around nervously, wondering if the vengeful fae were present.

  “Don’t ye worry.” Paddy stepped back with a grin and jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. “They’re out back.”

  “What is this place,” Cisco asked. “A Myther refugee center?”

  Paddy opened his mouth, paused, then nodded. “Aye. More or less.”

  “Paddy, who knows about this?” Penny asked, alarmed. “Humans, I mean?”

  Paddy gave her a quizzical glance. “Why wouldn’t we tell the humans?”

  “Because having a giant influx of Mythers in a bar could attract, I don’t know, trouble?” Penny’s stomach filled with dread at the idea of protesters turning up to cause trouble. “Especially now your face is all over the news.”

  “Ah.” Paddy dropped his eyes, scuffing the toes of his boot on the table. “I hadn’t thought of t
hat.”

  “Look, we can put you in touch with someone who can keep this haven a safe place for Mythers,” Penny said. She caught Cisco’s eye. “Can’t we?”

  Cisco quickly agreed. “I’m sure Dean March will know who to tell.”

  “Well, I’ll have to check with me compatriots.” Paddy hopped down into the seat Bacchus had vacated. “But that does seem like a mighty fine idea.”

  “Hey, guys. Got room for two more?” Amelia leaned down to nudge Red over and pulled up a chair for herself, while the looming void of darkness beside her stood there awkwardly.

  “Uhh, sure.” Penny scooted over and leaned back to snatch another chair from a vacant table. “Here you go.”

  She had to squish further over to make room for the creature when he sat, his bigness puddling around him as he folded himself into the chair.

  “Want a drink, buddy?” Cisco asked. Shot a glance at Amelia, eyebrows raised.

  “Paddy’ll get ye something, Munder. Milk?”

  The monster nodded slowly. Beside him, Boots hissed.

  “Fine, two pots of milk it is. Not one of ye have an ounce of taste, ye know.”

  “Munder?” Penny asked.

  “Aye. Monster Under the bed. Get it?” The leprechaun cackled at his own ingenuity. “Munder!”

  Munder trembled with what Penny hoped was a chuckle. “Do not forget the milk, little green one. And a cookie, if it is not too much trouble.”

  His voice was gravelly and sent prickles over Penny’s skin, but she tried to ignore it for the sake of their guest.

  “Aye, milk and a cookie, ye big scary bastard.” Paddy shook his head disparagingly. “Why anyone would be scared of yer soggy arse I don’t know. Milk and bloody cookies!”

  He stomped off, and Munder trembled again. “Little green one gives me the belly laughs. Funny little one.”

  “And to think, for all those years, I was too scared to dangle my foot off the bed,” Penny murmured. “If only I’d known you were friendly.”

  Munder turned slowly toward her. “I was not under your bed, Serpent-friend. The monster in your dreams would eat your toes and feast on your eyeballs if you met him today.”

  “Oh.” Penny swallowed hard.

  “He is very polite, though.” Munder’s gaping mouth widened, although Penny couldn’t be sure if it was a smile or gas. “And he does like a game of chess with Munder on the rare occasions we do meet.”

  The beast trembled again, then turned to strike up a conversation with Amelia.

  “I’m never sleeping again,” Penny whispered to Cisco. “Seriously. Can you come check under my bed when we get home?”

  “Only if you let me bring a flamethrower.” Even Cisco had lost color, although Amelia still seemed happy, and Red… "Hey.” Cisco looked around. “Where’d Red go?”

  “For that matter, where’s Boots?” Penny joined him, craning her neck to try to see through the crowded bar.

  Paddy was on his way back with a tray of whiskey, milk, and cookies, but the serpent was nowhere to be found.

  “Over there.” Cisco pointed. Red was at a nearby table talking to a slender, fair-skinned woman in a white dress. “Who the hell is that?”

  “Is that Boots?” Penny squinted at the lump on the table. When it twitched and raised a head, she tsked. “It is Boots. Who the hell are they talking to?”

  “Who?” Paddy slid the tray onto the table and looked over his shoulder. “Vila? Ah, don’t be worryin’ about her. She’s one of us.”

  Still watching her friends, Penny took a sip of whiskey. It bit harder than Bacchus’s brew, and her head was already a little muzzy. So, when she watched the young woman stand up and shed her dress, her first instinct was to giggle.

  “Cisco. You wouldn’t believe the hallucination I’m having right now.”

  Cisco didn’t laugh. Rather, he blushed bright red, his eyes bulging as he watched the naked Vila gesture to Red. “Try me.”

  “Penny. Hold my drink.” Amelia, mouth set in a furious line, shoved her chair back and slammed her drink on the table.

  “Wait. She’s really naked, isn’t she?” Penny glanced back just in time to see Vila’s transformation.

  Vila raised her arms and pressed her palms together. Her hands lengthened and her body contorted in a graceful twist, wrapping around on itself and coiling into a pile next to Boots. When Boots nudged it, a snake’s head popped up, this one black and glittering.

  The new snake unwound, slithered to the floor, and changed again in a writhing movement. Its body swelled and sprouted legs and a tail. A shimmering wave passed over it as gray fur rippled. The snake, now a bristling wolf, cocked its head at Red and lifted a paw.

  Amelia sat back down with a thump. “Paddy? What the fuck was that?”

  “She’d be showin’ loverboy how to shift without makin’ a mess,” Paddy said. “What, ye didn’t expect her to be tearin’ up her dress, did ye?”

  “I…guess not.” Brow still wrinkled with a frown, Amelia picked her drink back up and gulped the rest down. “But if she sniffs his butt again, she gets the hose.”

  Paddy clapped his hands. “Oh, that’d be a sight to see! Two fine lasses from opposing side of the Veil, facin’ off in a battle to the death!”

  Amelia flinched. “I didn’t say I’d kill her.”

  “Aye, but if ye piss her off, she wouldn’t be so generous.” Paddy chuckled. “Not to worry, lass. I’m sure ye could take her. Maybe not enough to lay a coin in yer favor, but enough to cheer ye on enthusiastically at least.”

  Amelia narrowed her eyes at the leprechaun. “Paddy, I’d highly advise you stop talking before you get the hose.”

  Paddy chuckled, the sound fading as he realized Amelia might be serious. “Ah. Oh, well, ahh…” He cast his eyes around, desperate for something to change the conversation. “What have ye all been doin’ with yer time, then? It’s been an age since Paddy has seen ye all.”

  “Studying, mostly,” Cisco said. “Red’s been enduring test after test as they look for a cure for fleas.” He dodged a punch from Amelia.

  “I’ve been job-hunting,” Penny chimed in morosely. “You don’t know of anything, do you?”

  “Ye want a job?” Paddy tipped his head up and let out a screech. “PADDY! WHERE ARE YE, PADDY?”

  The bar fell silent. Paddy raised his head to scream again when a shout rang out. “I’m coming, you pain-in-the-ass leprechaun.”

  The man that approached the table was…well, human, at least in appearance. Penny eyed him warily. “You’re Paddy?”

  “Joshua, actually.” He stuck out a hand and Penny shook it, his grip firm. “I’ve told him that a thousand times, but the little prick still calls me Paddy.”

  “Why?” Cisco asked.

  Joshua shrugged. “Because I own the bar.”

  “You told me the bar was yours.” Penny slapped the back of Paddy’s head, sending his hat tumbling to the ground.

  He jumped down and snatched it up haughtily. “It is. In a manner of speaking. At least, it’s named after me.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Joshua said dryly. “You know we only tolerate you because people drink more when you’re here, right?”

  “That’s what ye say, but deep down, I know ye love me.” Paddy fluttered his eyes at the bar owner, who stared back, unimpressed.

  “What do you want, Paddy?” Joshua finally asked.

  “This here wee lass needs a job. I know ye been lookin’ for someone, so I found ye one!” Paddy waved his hands, presenting Penny as if she were a prize on a game show.

  “I’m sorry, Joshua,” Penny said quickly. “I only mentioned I was looking. I didn’t mean for him to—"

  “What are your qualifications?” Joshua asked. He took Red’s seat and rested his elbows on the table.

  “Uh. Not much, to be honest. I’ve worked a few places, but never in a bar.” Put on the spot, Penny’s brain scrambled to assemble the facts she’d recited at her half-dozen interviews so far.

/>   Joshua leaned back in his chair, an appraising look in his eyes. “You kids are all from that creepy Academy place, aren’t you?”

  “I wouldn’t call it creepy,” Penny protested.

  “Except for the dead guy’s hand, the psychotic gnome, the serial-killer doll, and the incident with the Sasquatch,” Cisco added with a grin.

  “You’ve got the job.” Joshua stood.

  “What?” Penny almost fell off her seat. “Just like that?”

  “Yeah, just like that. You start tomorrow, midday. Paddy’s people have some kind of meeting on, and I’ll need the extra staff.” Without looking back, Joshua headed back to the bar. “Don’t be late!”

  Penny tried to wipe the giant grin off her face but quickly gave up. She downed her whiskey and waved the empty glass at Paddy. “I don’t know whether to thank you or thump you.”

  “Ye can thank me, lass. Paddy is a fair man to work for. He’ll push ye hard, but he’ll treat ye well.”

  “Think about it, hon,” Amelia reached over to put a hand on Penny’s arm. “He must be a nice guy if he puts up with this little shit.” She winked at Paddy and laughed at his outraged glare.

  “Ye friend does have a fair point there,” Paddy admitted. “But in all honesty, I should be gettin’ back to work. Thank ye for the celebratin’ and well wishin’.”

  Penny watched him go, a jumble of nervous excitement in her gut.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Listen, Granny.” Penny rested her hands flat on the table and leaned over, her face level with the Fairy Godmother. “I don’t care what alliances you’re making or who you think deserves to be in it. In this bar, you play by our rules.”

  “What are you going to do to me if I don’t, child?” For all her kind old woman persona, the old lady sure had a stubborn streak.

  Penny picked up the salt shaker and sprinkled a few grains on the table. When Esmerelda’s eyes flicked to them, frantically counting the scattered grains, Penny allowed herself a small smile. Her research had paid off.

  “I have about twenty pounds of salt out back. How far do you think your little alliance will go if you have to spend the next three years counting grains?”