Worse Than Being Alone

by Patricia M. Clark

  Cindy Washington stiffened her shoulders, continued to take deep breaths, and pushed open the door to The King’s Wok. It was a busy place and most of the tables were taken. Cindy spotted an area by the front counter with a neon Carry Out sign above it. The irony didn’t escape Cindy, who decided to duck into the restroom for a moment.

  Thin, with shoulder length blond hair and striking hazel eyes, Cindy looked in the mirror while she washed her hands. Just a few times for courage, she told herself. Despite being attractive, Cindy had never thought of herself that way. Her illness had so consumed her life, there wasn’t much time for thinking about her looks. Almost every minute of every day was devoted to trying to control her compulsive behavior.

  Cindy washed her hands one last time and used a paper towel to turn off the water and open the bathroom door. She breathed in deep gulps of air, dismayed when she realized she was beginning to perspire. She walked up to the unmanned counter under the carry out sign and waited. It was Ho herself who eventually came out from the kitchen to man the counter.

  “How can help you?” Ho asked.

  “Takeout for Washington,” Cindy said as she studied Ho, who was wearing a tailored pantsuit. Though a small, lithe woman, Ho had intense almond eyes and an intimidating bearing. Her black hair was styled in a flattering bob just below her ears. Cindy was surprised when she realized that up close, Ho was attractive.

  Ho looked through the orders on the counter until she found the right one. “That will be 13 dollars,” Ho said as Cindy slid a 20 dollar bill across the counter.

  “I’ll be right back with your order,” Ho said as she put the change on the counter and disappeared through the doorway that led into the kitchen.

  Cindy walked over to a nearby table and sat down, continuing to take deep breaths and feeling fairly confident until she made the mistake of looking at the vent on the wall right next to the table. A ripple of fear rumbled through her gut as she stared at the subtle movement of air through the grate. Convinced she saw fangs just inside the metal bracket, Cindy felt her pulse rate accelerate and despite the coolness in the room, she began to perspire in earnest. That vent needed to be covered immediately, she kept thinking over and over.

  Ultimately, she lost the battle and full-blown panic propelled her out of the chair as she raced toward the exit. At that moment, she imagined Kitty’s disappointment, which caused an end of forward momentum as she veered into the bathroom. Thank God no one else was in there, Cindy thought as she washed her hands and tried to restart her deep breathing and mentally visualizing all her muscles relaxing. Kitty was actually reaching out to her and trying to help her for a change. That’s when she realized she couldn’t bear to see any kind of I-told-you so look on Kitty’s face.

  After several minutes, Cindy had controlled her panic enough to stop washing her hands. Her breathing and pulse had returned to normal and while she realized she didn’t have full control, she had stopped the deterioration. Maybe I’ll have this under control in another decade or two, Cindy thought as she grabbed a paper towel and opened the door to the bathroom.

  Cindy walked toward the counter, staring at the vent that had terrorized her, unable to see anything lurking through the metal. Her fear was briefly replaced by a sense of triumph. These small victories would eventually lead to a more normal life. At least that’s what she desperately needed to believe. Ho emerged from the kitchen as Cindy reached the counter.

  “I thought you had left,” Ho said as she placed Cindy’s bag on the counter.

  “I had to use the restroom,” Cindy said pleasantly.

  “There are utensils and sauces over there,” Ho said as she pointed to a small table.

  “Thank you,” Cindy said as she turned, tossed plastic forks, knives and soy sauce in the bag.

  “Come back again soon,” Ho said pleasantly.

  “I will,” Cindy said as she left the restaurant, walked across the street, and climbed in Kitty’s red convertible.

  “How did it go?”

  “It went fine,” Cindy said as she handed the bag to Kitty.

  “What was Ho doing in there?”

  “I guess she works there,” Cindy said as Kitty began to open the bag.

  “I’m starving, you want some?”

  “No thanks,” Cindy said as Kitty began eating cashew chicken with the plastic fork.

  “She was working the register,” Cindy said. “She took the money and gave me the food. Did you know she speaks perfect English?”

  “Really. Let’s see how long she stays today. She didn’t stay that long the last time. It doesn’t seem like she’s working a shift or anything.”

  “Maybe she owns the place,” Cindy said. “Maybe I should go back in a day or two and ask her for a glass of water while I wait for my order. Then I could take it and we could get fingerprints off it.”

  “That’s not a bad idea. You know, I was thinking about my mom while you were in there. When I was growing up, all I could think about was how crazy she was and how worried I was about what she might do. She was paranoid, convinced she was being followed by the FBI or some other alphabet group. There was always a hint of uncertainty and violence that was palpable in our house. The one thing I never really thought about was what it must have been like for her to be so scared all the time. She truly believed those people were after her. I knew it wasn’t real but it must have been hell for her to have to live with that fear every day.”

  “Controlling the fear is the key,” Cindy said. “Even when you know it’s illogical and not really even possible, it seems so freaking real at that moment.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Roni had serious misgivings about meeting with Glenn Barton’s brother, Jay. As she was about to drive out of Springfield, she had called his office on the spur of the moment and had been surprised when he agreed to meet with her. Roni was worried that of all the people she had interviewed so far, Jay Barton had once seemed to be aligned with Marian, and she couldn’t discount the possibility they might still be in contact with each other. In the end, she decided he might provide some insight into Marian’s character.

  Jay Barton’s law office was located in a run-down strip mall just off the highway on one of the last exits out of Springfield. It was cloudy with rain threatening as Roni pulled into the parking lot. There was a Deals store next door to Barton’s office that seemed fairly busy. Roni hesitated as she stared at the surroundings, wondering about the status of Barton’s law practice if he was forced to locate his office here.

  Roni made her choice, climbed out of the Explorer, and walked across the lot. The glass door had a bell on it to alert the occupants a client had arrived. No one manned the secretary’s desk in the front. Basic office furniture with cheesy paintings and a couple of fake plants accounted for the décor.

  After several minutes of standing there, Roni was about to leave when a tall, thin man with a full beard emerged from the inner office. He seemed to be hastily pulling on a suit jacket as he walked over to where Roni stood.

  “Are you Roni Edelin?” he asked hesitantly.

  “Yes,” Roni said as she extended her hand.

  “I’m Jay Barton,” he said as he shook Roni’s hand. “Why don’t you come back to my office? My secretary is at lunch. I don’t have any appointments for an hour or so.”

  Jay led the way into an inner office that was as poorly furnished as the rest of the place. Nothing seemed to be screaming successful law practice to Roni. Jay Barton slumped in his office chair as if he found his surroundings as depressing as Roni. He picked up a pencil and began tapping the desk as if he didn’t know what to say or didn’t know how to begin. Roni was about to start when he started talking in a rushed voice.

  “You said you wanted to know about Marian,” he said as he continued tapping. “So, have you talked to Glenn?”

  “Yes, I have. I was hoping to get your perspective.”

  “I’m sure Glenn told you a bunch of stuff,” he said. “Like I stole
the money from the trusts and tried to help Marian get the house and turned my dad against him.”

  “Well, I’m only interested in what Marian might have done.”

  “She married your dad, is that right?” he asked.

  “Yes, I guess it sounds horrible. I’m just trying to protect my father.”

  “So, you’re worried Marian will steal all his money?” he asked.

  “No, I don’t care about the money,” Roni said as a confused expression appeared on her face. “I’m worried she doesn’t love him and might hurt him emotionally or even physically.”

  Jay Barton stopped tapping and studied Roni carefully, making her decidedly more anxious in the process. Finally, he tossed the pencil on the desk and jumped up.

  “Would you like a soda?” he asked a startled Roni.

  “Sure. Diet if you have it.”

  Jay Barton left the room and returned a minute later with two diet Cokes and two glasses of ice. He handed Roni a glass and a can of soda and sat back down behind his desk. They poured their Cokes in the glasses and Roni wasn’t sure if she should make the next move or wait. Jay made the decision for her when he plunged ahead.

  “You seem like a nice, honest person,” he said. “I don’t meet many of those so I’m going to be honest with you. When I knew Marian she was a work in progress. She was clever enough to get my dad to marry her but dumb enough to trust me. I also think she was a fast learner so if I were you I’d be worried about your father. All that stuff Glenn told you about me is true by the way. How is Glenn?”

  “He seems kind of sad about all of it.”

  “I’m not surprised,” he said. “Glenn is also a nice person. The only part of the story I would probably quibble with is the part about how I was treated equal. I always felt I was the bastard son of the whore. Why wouldn’t I act the part? Marian and I have a lot in common.”

  “Would you care to elaborate?”

  “We’re both vultures,” he said. “I knew Marian didn’t love my dad. I thought she was just looking for some security. A kind of free ride. Some women are like that. Especially women Marian’s age. They don’t have an education so they try to marry well.”

  “So, you think that was her motivation?”

  “That’s what I thought at the time,” he said. “It won’t end up any better for Marian than it has for me. I didn’t always have a dumpy office like this. Back then, I had a booming practice and it felt great to get back at everyone I thought had slighted me. I took the money and screwed them all. I was flying high.”

  “What happened?” Roni asked.

  “My wife Sara happened,” he said. “It turns out that angry, bitter, vindictive people aren’t that attractive after a while I guess. She stuck with me through all that back then and everything was fine for a while. Of course, I trusted her completely.”

  Roni wasn’t sure what to say at this point. She needed to steer the conversation back into the Marian angle of Jay’s life without all the too much information area of his marriage he seemed to be sliding toward. Too late. Jay started again before she could comment.

  “My wife has her own business,” he said. “I should have figured something was going on when she started going to the gym. Then she got her boobs done, too.”

  “You don’t have to share all the intimate details of your life with me.”

  “Oh, I don’t mind,” he said. “You know, you’re a really good listener.”

  “I get that a lot.” Roni tried to think of something else to say to make the tsunami of unwanted information stop, but Jay apparently had few confidants. He plunged ahead as Roni mentally tried to put her hands over her ears.

  “Anyway, I got suspicious she might be fooling around, so I put a baby monitor under the couch in her office. I had to stand by the back door to hear what was going on but finally I got lucky. She had a guy in there and I heard them kissing so I unlocked the front door and went in. They were both naked and having sex. He must have thought I was going to beat him up or something so he got off my wife and raced toward me. I’ll never get that image out of my mind. That huge, red, angry penis coming right at me. Would you like to see the picture I took on my phone?”

  “Oh, absolutely not,” Roni said as she put her hands up, sharing his concern about getting that image out of her head.

  “Sorry, I know, too much information,” he said. “Anyway, no fault-state. We split everything in the divorce. The house and her business were underwater so I’m basically starting over and I’m alone.”

  “You think that’s what will happen to Marian?”

  “Marian is all about stealing the money,” he said. “She runs through it like water, and those two kids are as bad as she is.”

  “Do you think Marian is capable of hurting someone?”

  “You mean, like your dad?” he asked.

  “Yes, just like my dad.”

  “Wow, you think Marian is like a Black Widow or something?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure I’d go that far.”

  “Now that I think about it,” he said. “My dad started getting sick right after he married Marian. Lots of stomach complaints though he also had Alzheimer’s. He was in the early stages when he died. It seemed kind of sudden, but there was also an element of he kind of dodged a bullet, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

  “Wait a minute,” he said, putting some of the pieces together. “How many times has Marian done this?”

  “I’m not sure she’s really done anything. I’m just gathering information at this point and trying to protect my father.”

  “You know a lot more than you’re letting on,” he said. “I can smell dishonesty a mile away. Birds of a feather and all that. You don’t care about your father’s money, but you are afraid Marian is going to hurt him and it’s not her first rodeo, is it? I thought I was the big villain in this. Wouldn’t it be something if Marian was the one who was really perfecting her craft while she lived here?”

  “I guess.”

  “Do you think Glenn would talk to me?” he asked. “I mean you’ve talked to both of us. Is there a chance he’d forgive me?”

  “I don’t know. Clearly, what you did was wrong. Maybe if you acknowledged that and asked him to forgive you, it could work. At least you’d feel better if you tried.”

  “I could use the maybe Marian killed dad thing as an intro,” he said, trying to think of an angle like lawyers always do. “That just might work as a starter to break the ice. By the way, I sure hope that’s not true, you know. Because if it is, your dad’s in some deep shit.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Billy Diamond sighed involuntarily as he drove Marian through the downtown streets of Alton. They had just finished lunch and another argument, which accounted for Marian’s uncharacteristic silence at the moment. It was hard for Billy to believe he had only been married for a few months. Some days it felt like years.

  Some of Marian’s strengths during their courtship now seemed annoying. Billy realized he was probably mired in a different century where men made the decisions and a wife went along but Marian’s insistence on knowing all his finances grated on his nerves. Sometimes, Marian used a whiny voice that Billy couldn’t stomach. Where had that come from?

  Problems seemed to pop up almost immediately, mostly when Billy wouldn’t go along with the program. Despite Marian’s tearful protestations regarding her concern for his health, Billy had refused to take any more of Marian’s herbal remedies. He had also flatly rejected Murray’s recommendations regarding acquiring life insurance after he received the price quotes. Eighty-five-year old men apparently were not considered good risks. Billy couldn’t understand why anyone would pay the monthly price.

  Billy spent most of his time at lunch trying to talk Marian out of building a new house, but since he had balked at all those other issues, he couldn’t seem to mount an effective argument against the house. Marian had first seen the lot on the bluffs Billy owned when they first
started seeing each other. Billy had bought the property as an investment many years ago.

  Marian had convinced him to have an architect draw up plans and Billy had impulsively agreed. At the time, Billy found it impossible to argue. There he was, parked near the end of the cliff under a full moon, staring at the lights sparkling off the river. Five minutes later, after agreeing to Marian’s idea, he was having sex in the back seat of the car, something he hadn’t done in 60 years.

  The current lingering downturn in the economy had soured Billy on the proposition. Unfortunately, Marian was not to be denied. Currently, they were on their way to the lot to talk to the architect about the design of the house. Billy made several turns that took them off the main streets as he headed for an area of Alton that overlooked the Mississippi River. Billy’s spirits lifted a bit as he took the familiar turns.

  Billy had considered talking to Roni about some of his issues with Marian, but he was worried that would stoke a fire he had already effectively put out. Roni had grudgingly agreed to accept Marian; it might make things awkward if he shared his feelings at this point. This was a strange situation for Billy, who had sought Roni’s counsel on many issues since Roni reached adulthood. Billy couldn’t figure any way out of his current predicament.

  Maybe he should consider giving in to some of Marian’s demands. The trick was choosing the least objectionable option. If building a house would placate Marian, Billy decided he should give in and go along with the program. Billy made the turn onto the gravel road that probably would soon be paved blacktop and slowed down.

  “Look, Marian,” he said. “I don’t want to fight about this anymore. If this is what you want, I’m in.”

  “Oh, thank you, Billy,” she said. “You’re gonna love it, just wait and see. We’re gonna be so happy here. The view will be amazing.”

  “I agree with that. The view from up here is amazing.”

  “I can’t wait to see the plans,” she said. “I hope he included porches on the back so we can see the river.”

  “I’m sure he did. That’s all you talked about when we met with him.”