Ex in the City (Many Shades of Blu #1)

by Lillianna Blake

  “Yes, ladies, I’ve had all of these fears more than once and sometimes daily. And I know that you’re probably thinking that I shouldn’t be afraid—not if I’m selling books to other women about the great adventures they could be having, about the amazing people they are inside and out. All of that is true. But it can only happen if you recognize fear. You can’t just shoo it away. You can’t pretend you’re not terrified of putting on those shorts or wearing a swimsuit for the first time in a long time. You can’t hide from fear. It doesn’t just usually go away on its own. Not unless we can go live on a mountain somewhere, and then of course, there are bears to fear and falling off of cliffs and so on.” She grinned.

  “So what do we do?” She seemed to be looking straight at me. “We identify its voice and we shut it up! We create bucket lists full of things that we’re afraid of and we cross them off one by one.” She thrust her fist into the air. “Because it’s not who we are, it’s who we’ve been trained into thinking we are. We can’t hear our own voice, if that fear is busy chattering away in our heads. So don’t hide from it, ladies, look it straight in the face and let your heart speak louder!”

  Her words rocketed through me. That was what I’d been feeling. Fear. I’d spent all day questioning and wondering what AJ would think—what Chase would think—but barely any time thinking about what I actually wanted.

  As Samantha left the stage, I fired off a text to AJ.

  And I didn’t let fear tell me to delete it.

  Chapter 16

  After Samantha got through greeting the last of her fans and signing books that they’d purchased, she steered Maddie and me to a restaurant next door where she’d made a reservation.

  I was still so pumped from her talk that I could barely sit still in my chair. “Wow, Sammy, you really blew the roof off the place with that one.” I grinned at her as she finished placing her order.

  “You think so?” She scrunched up her nose. “I always get a little nervous when I talk about fear. I don’t want to give it power, but at the same time, I see so many people struggle with trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. I’ve been doing this for how long? I still have those moments when I wonder if I’m being a good wife, if I could be a better mother, or if I’m being authentic in my journey. It’s just easier now, because I can tell the difference between the voice of fear and my actual voice.”

  “And thanks to you, I think I might be able to as well now.” I glanced over at Maddie. “What did you think?”

  “It was amazing. I’ve been reading your blog posts, Samantha, and I’m so inspired by everything you write. Just when I think you couldn’t possibly read my mind any more than you already seem to be, you give a speech like that and remind me that you can and will get inside my head.”

  “Right?” I laughed and Samantha laughed too. “In fact, it was exactly what I needed to hear today.”

  “Speaking of needing to hear…what is the update on you and AJ?” She met my eyes. “The truth now.”

  “The truth is, I was having a hard time deciding whether I could spend a weekend away with him—as a friend. I went on a date with a guy—Chase—and he’s great. So then I started wondering what Chase would think about it. Then I realized that all that worry, all that wondering, is fear talking. I know what I want. I want AJ to be part of my life and I’m not going to let fear rob me of that. So I texted him that I would go to this party with him—his uncle’s retirement party—and whatever happens next, I’m ready for it.” I breathed out deeply.

  “Great.” Samantha smiled at me and continued to hold my gaze. “No matter what?”

  “Well—uh.” I laughed. “I guess I’m a little nervous. I just don’t understand why I still feel so drawn to him. I know that we need this time apart—that I want to grow and explore on my own and not be swallowed up by the role I have to play in a relationship—but the feelings I have for him are still there.”

  “It sounds to me like you’re more afraid of your role in the relationship than you are of the relationship itself. Does he push you into that role with his expectations of you?”

  I sat back and thought about that for a moment.

  “No, not at all. I think I’m the one that has all the expectations. That’s what I’m trying to fix. But honestly, there’s a part of me that’s worried I’m walking away from ‘the one.’”

  “I understand that fear.” Samantha’s eyes grew distant for a moment. “You know how long I let fear stop me from embracing my relationship with Max. I knew he was the one, but I was too scared to admit it.”

  “How did you know?” I sat forward some. “Is there some secret sign?”

  “I wish.” She laughed. “No, I knew it because I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else.”

  “But I can. I’ve been imagining my life with Chase already.” I laughed. “Ridiculous, I know.”

  “You were imagining a life, but was it your life?”

  “I’m not sure I’m following.” Maddie shook her head.

  Samantha went on. “There are plenty of ways you can live your life. You could marry just about anyone you meet if you wanted to. But that doesn’t mean you’re going down your true path, it just means you’re moving forward. There’s a difference between moving forward and moving along your path.”

  “Ah, I see. You’re saying that I might choose AJ or I might choose Chase, and I will have a future with either of them, but it might not be the one I really want. Is that it?” I sat back in my chair and sighed. “That’s still confusing.”

  “I know.” She grinned. “Try this. Close your eyes and think about the first time that you and AJ kissed.”

  “Okay.” I did as she instructed. It wasn’t hard to do. My first kiss with AJ had been one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I could feel my face glowing at the memory of it.

  “Now, think about your first kiss with Chase.”

  “Oh, Chase and I haven’t kissed yet.” I opened my eyes.

  “Well, there’s your problem.” Samantha laughed. “Kiss the boy!”

  We spent the rest of dinner catching up and laughing about first kisses, first loves, and the confusion of life in the way only three women with common interests could do.

  On the way home, I closed my eyes and imagined my future, but I still had no idea what I wanted.

  Chapter 17

  As fantastic as Sunday had been, when I woke up the next morning, Monday hit me like a brick wall. I lingered in my bed past my first alarm, finally climbing out when the second one rang. As I slid my feet into my slippers, I heard a ping on my phone. One glance showed that it was a text from Chase.

  The sight of it made my heart pound a little faster.

  The night before I’d agreed to spend the weekend in Diamond Bay with AJ. Was that really fair to Chase? I was determined to give him a chance, but I also didn’t want to take advantage of him.

  Spending time with Samantha had been a great reminder that I shouldn’t let fear rule my life, but I also didn’t want to lose my chance at seeing where things might go with Chase.

  After a quick shower, I grabbed my phone and sat down to read the text.

  Have a great day. See you Wednesday!

  It was a simple text, but it meant so much because he’d made the effort to reach out. I knew that if I didn’t reply, it would send a clear message to him that I didn’t appreciate the effort.

  I hope you have a great day too.

  I couldn’t add anything else. Nothing seemed quite right.

  As I tapped at the screen, still considering what else I could send him, another text popped up, this time from AJ in response to my text the night before.

  I’m glad it’s a go. Uncle Paul will be thrilled. We should drive together.

  I stared at the words. Of course it made no sense for me not to ride with him. We were leaving from the same place and heading to the same place.

  The problem was that it meant three hours in the car with AJ and all the feelings that he stil
l stirred in me. It didn’t seem like a safe choice.

  “There’s that fear talking again.” I sighed. It would be fun to ride with AJ. We loved the same music, we both enjoyed exploring new places, and he had great taste in road trip snacks.

  I typed out my reply despite the tremble in my finger.

  Sounds good. I’ll pitch in for gas.

  He replied so fast that I didn’t have a chance to put the phone down.

  Not a chance.

  I rolled my eyes and headed to the kitchen to get breakfast ready. Two sleepy kids made their way into the kitchen not long after. I made their favorite pancakes, served with a glass of milk.

  “Are you guys looking forward to school today?”

  “Yup.” Marley took a big bite of her pancake.

  “I guess.” Joey pushed a cube of butter across the puddle of syrup on his plate.

  “Is something wrong?” I leaned my elbows on the table so I could look straight at him. “Is someone bothering you at school?”

  “No. It’s just that everything is so much harder.” He sighed. “I don’t want to do it.”

  “I understand. When something is hard it can seem so much easier to just give up or quit. But the great thing about something being hard is that if you do it often enough, pretty soon it becomes really easy.”

  “I don’t think so.” He frowned.

  “It’s true. Like these pancakes. It used to be very hard for me to look up the recipe and measure everything—to not forget any ingredients. But now I’ve done it so many times that I don’t even have to think about it. I know exactly what to put in. When you come across a hard problem, you just have to practice it, learn about it, ask questions if you don’t understand, and pretty soon it will be an easy problem.”

  “Really?” He looked up at me as if I might be lying.

  “Really.” I ruffled his hair. “I promise. Whatever you think is hard—let’s go over it together tonight and we’ll make a plan of attack.”

  “Like going to war?” Marley grinned.

  “Yup, we’re going to win too!” I cleared their plates, then guided them through getting ready for school. Sometimes taking care of Marley and Joey was exhausting, but most of the time I considered myself very lucky to have the job I did.

  We stepped into the car, right on time.

  Oliver glanced into the backseat. “Ready for a great day, kids?”

  “Yes!” Marley grinned.

  “Maybe.” Joey folded his arms.

  “Absolutely.” I winked at him.

  “Good.” He started the car and drove toward the school.

  When we arrived, I walked them both to the door. Marley ran off with her teacher, but Joey lingered near the entrance.

  “Remember the plan, Joey.” I rested my hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes. “Anything hard is something you can turn into something easy. Just practice, ask questions, and keep trying.”

  “Okay, Blu. Thanks.” He gave me a rare hug in front of his friends, then ran off to join them.

  I watched him go, hoping my advice would help.

  My phone buzzed with a text from Chase.

  If I was going to enjoy my weekend with AJ as friends, I couldn’t have the fear of Chase’s finding out hanging over my head.

  I was pretty sure that I needed to heed my own advice and start tackling the hard things.

  Chapter 18

  I felt excited as I got ready to meet up with the running club the next day. I enjoyed meeting new people, especially runners. It wasn’t a surprise that we all had the same hobby, because runners had many things in common. It seemed to me that most of us had similar personalities, and though many would hesitate to admit it, we often had something to run from.

  For me, it was pent-up stress. It was the best way I’d found to deal with it. After a good hard run, I felt refreshed, and most of my problems or worries would have melted away.

  But today, knowing I’d be meeting AJ right after, I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to relax.

  I tried to ignore it, but my heart pounded before my feet even hit the pavement. It seemed to be pounding faster every time I thought of seeing AJ.

  “Hi there, you must be Blu.” A middle-aged man thrust his hand out to me. He had a bushy beard and a broad smile. “I’m Patrick.”

  “Nice to meet you, Patrick.” I shook his hand and then smiled at everyone he introduced me to.

  It was a small group of four people, aside from me. Perhaps the weather had caused the low turnout, as the clouds billowed with the threat of rain. There were two other women—CeCe and Kim—and one other man—Harris.

  Kim and Harris were about my age, while CeCe looked to be barely eighteen, if I had to guess. I couldn’t help but notice the way she eyed Harris, nor could I blame her for it. Harris was tall with broad shoulders, deep brown eyes framed by long lashes, and a muscular chest that he showed off in a skin-tight tank.

  “Alright, we follow this loop usually—through this park.” Patrick showed me the path on a map. “If you fall behind, don’t worry, just do the best you can.”

  “Okay, thanks.” I held back a small laugh. I doubted that I was going to be left behind.

  After some stretching and a little chatter we started off on our run. I enjoyed having others there, both as a challenge and for support. Kim pulled out at a steady pace, with Patrick right beside her. Harris kept a few paces behind and CeCe hung toward the back, though I suspected it was because she enjoyed the view of Harris in his running shorts.

  I started out at a mild jog, but as my feet struck the ground, I couldn’t resist opening up to a faster pace. Soon I was neck and neck with Patrick and Kim, then I passed them. The wind was my only companion as it rushed past me, stirred up by the brewing rain. For a second I forgot that I was running with a group, then I heard Harris not far behind me.

  “Want to race?” He matched his pace to mine.

  “Absolutely!” I broke out into a full-force run.

  Yes, it was much too early in the run. No, I hadn’t stretched well enough to be sprinting, but I didn’t care. I felt like a kid again racing in the backyard, determined to win.

  Harris was good competition. He remained at my side no matter how much I pushed myself to go faster. When he took a few steps ahead of me, my eyes widened. No way—I wasn’t going to let him win. I leaned forward into the wind and overtook him with a few strides.

  We’d almost reached the end of the loop when he let out a sharp cry.

  I knew that sound. I spun around just as he crouched down and grabbed his ankle.

  “Did you roll it?” I frowned.

  “Yeah.” He looked up at me. “I guess that’s what I get for trying to impress you.”

  “Impress me?” I crouched down to take a look at his ankle.

  “Yes, did it work?” He met my eyes and offered a sly smile.

  “Hm, it can’t hurt that much if you’re able to flirt.” I laughed as I shook my head.

  “It hurts, but not as much as the thought of not getting to take you out sometime.”

  I stared at him, unsure how to respond. Apparently when I jumped into the dating pool, I’d jumped into the deep end.

  “That’s sweet of you Harris, but right now I’m dating someone. Well, at least I think I am.”

  “Hm, I should have known. Let me know if you decide that you aren’t.” He winked at me. “I hope we can race again next week.”

  “Maybe if you wear more supportive shoes.” I raised an eyebrow as I looked at his well-worn footwear.

  “I’ll consider it.” He laughed. “I’ve got to go, but it was nice meeting you, Blu. See you next week?”

  “I’ll be here.” Only then did I remember that I needed to get to my coffee date with AJ, and thanks to the sprinting, I was drenched in sweat.

  I took a deep breath and then started walking toward the coffee shop.

  If AJ wasn’t sure yet about not feeling romantic toward me, he would be after he got a good look at me
this morning.

  Chapter 19

  I pulled the door of the coffee shop open and instantly regretted not going home to shower. I just couldn’t imagine what AJ would think when he saw me like this. Although it wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen me this way plenty of times while we were dating. In fact, I hadn’t often dressed up for him. In my heart I was still a tomboy and preferred to be comfortable in the clothes I wore. Once in a while, when we were going somewhere special, I’d go all out with make-up and a new dress, but most of the time it was just plain old me.

  For the first time, I wondered if maybe that was part of the problem. Had I gotten too comfortable with him? Did I turn him into more of a best friend than a boyfriend?

  I started back toward the door. I could cancel with AJ; he wouldn’t care.

  “Blu.” He stepped around the corner before I could get through the door. “Hi there.”

  “Hi.” I hesitated in the doorway.

  “Excuse us, please.” A young couple waited behind me to get inside.

  “Sorry.” I stepped through and in the process brushed against AJ’s chest. In the same moment that electricity shot through my skin at the connection, I cringed at the thought of how close he was to me. “Ugh. I’m a mess.” I moved away from him, toward a free table.

  “Out for a run?” He followed after me and joined me at the table.

  “I joined a new running group.”

  “Oh?” He nodded to the waitress who walked over to take our orders. Once they were placed, he looked across the table at me. “Were you just looking for company or are you training for a race?”

  “No, no race. I guess I just needed a distraction.”

  “From?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “I don’t know. I mean, I’m trying to figure some things out. I still feel a little lost, I guess. I know that doesn’t make sense to you, but it’s what I need.”

  “It doesn’t have to make sense to me.” He touched the back of my hand just for a second, then drew his hand away. “Anything I can do to help, you just let me know.”