by Rena Rossner
“What are you doing? Why are you out here?” Dovid says.
I tug the pistol out of my waistband. “Joining you.”
“Liba! Put that down. Go back inside! Do you even know how to shoot that thing? What if they come here and see you! They could shoot you on sight!”
I shake my head. “No. This is my fight too. Maybe it’s even my fault. I shouldn’t have gone to the funeral. I will stand here beside you and defend Dubossary.”
“Liba, this is madness. You’ll be killed.”
“Then leave. Go back and protect your own home. I can do this by myself.”
“You’ve both lost your minds,” Shmulik says. “Get inside, both of you. I’ll watch the door.”
Dovid and I go back inside.
“What don’t you understand, Liba?” Dovid says. “They killed Jews in Kishinev who had nothing to do with any of this—just because they were Jews. Do you have a death wish?”
I am stronger than you know, I want to say. I can protect you. I open my mouth to say something, to try to explain, because it’s about time that I finally tell him the truth.
But then we hear rustling on the roof. I look up, my heart racing, expecting swans—but it’s Laya I see.
“Laya! What are you doing?”
She has the skylight open. She sways on her feet and grabs the open window for support, then rights herself, and climbs the rest of the way out onto the roof.
70
Laya
I know what
I have to do.
This is
my only chance.
I have to fly.
Maybe the swan
is out there;
maybe he can
show me how.
Liba follows me—
she is up
on the roof
now too.
Laya, this is crazy.
Come back down,
she says.
What? I can’t
get dressed?
I can’t
get up?
I can’t climb
up onto the roof
if I want?
I’m sick
of being sick,
I say.
And you can’t
keep me here
anymore
with promises
that never
come true!
I know
my words hurt,
but that is
my intention.
I must save
my sister.
And this is
the only way.
You’re barely steady
on your feet! Liba says.
This is dangerous.
Please … come back inside!
No! I say.
You’ve held me
captive.
You fed me
poison,
to make me weak,
to make me dizzy,
to make me sleep.
Fedir told me.
I’m leaving.
I’m going
to the one place
where I feel safe
and happy.
The one place
where I feel good
and warm
and well fed
and sated.
Laya, my sister says,
you aren’t talking sense.
Sense? I laugh.
Funny you should talk
about sense
when you lied to me.
You said
he’d come for me.
I thought
maybe he was
held up,
maybe he couldn’t
make it.
I would never doubt
my sister Liba,
my sister
who always does
everything right.
I feel weak.
My skin prickles
with sweat,
a sheen of moisture,
everywhere.
My back aches;
my legs feel weak.
I thrust my arms up high,
reaching for sky.
My arms arc up
and down again.
I feel nauseous.
I crouch down
gasping for breath;
every bone
in my body
feels like
it’s going to crack.
Dovid? I hear Liba say,
but she is far
far away.
Did she drink
something? she asks him.
Did she eat something?
Nothing I saw … he says.
Ha! I cackle.
He lies too!
You are made
for each other.
Liars! Both of you.
I will get
out of your way
so you can have
this house
all to yourselves.
That’s what
you wanted
all along—
to get rid
of me,
to poison me
with all those teas
that you prepared.
The pain is too much.
Everything hurts.
I start to cry.
I need him,
I say to them,
Don’t deny me
the happiness
that you’ve found.
I will die
if I don’t see Fedir
again.
I don’t care
anymore
what Mami
and Tati
will think.
Liba reaches out
and tries
to take me
in her arms.
But I don’t want her
touching me.
I shriek, but it comes out
more like a honk.
I try to pry
her arms off mine.
I flap and flail
and lash out
at her, but my hands
are not hands
anymore;
my fingers
don’t work
like they should.
Liba lets go
and I lunge
for the edge.
You are not
my sister
anymore,
I spit out.
I take a step
off the roof
and jump.
I start to fall,
but the air catches me
and in one last
rack of pain
my arms become wings,
my nose a beak,
my feet webbed,
already tucked
beneath me
ready for flight.
I flap my white arms—
my wings!
And take off
through the woods.
I bare my long neck
for the branches
that arc above me
sometimes crashing
into trees,
sometimes soaring
high above them.
I didn’t know
that I could move
like this
but the air
guides me.
I am a sacrifice,
I tell the moonlight,
and the sky.
I will save Liba.
Her life for mine.
No matter
what it takes.
In the closing
eye of night,
I’m finally free.
I imagine myself
strobe-lit; the stars
are lanterns held aloft.
The forest beats for me;
I feel connected to it
even as I rise
above the trees.
My blood runs in
its veins. The sap
runs in my veins.
The tre
es call for my blood
and I answer their call.
I will save
our town.
I’ve had dreams
of trees like living things,
my arms like branches,
my fingers turned to vines,
my back growing leaves
like feathers, forming
verdant wings.
I will become one with this forest
and Fedir will guide me,
his lips my compass.
He will quench my thirst;
he will hold me in his arms.
If I go to him,
perhaps they will leave
Dubossary alone.
The swan didn’t come.
Only Fedir can help me now.
I will find out
who killed Jennike
and Mikhail.
I will clear his name
and Liba’s too.
It is the only way.
I have brought this on us all.
Because I didn’t
tell the truth
of what I saw.
It is the last thing
I can do.
The only thing.
71
Liba
Seven paces wide and nine paces long.
I trace the width and length of the living room again and again.
Twelve paces make a circle.
I feel like a caged beast.
I thought that Dovid saw her turn, that I would need to tell him everything, but he just saw her fall. He ran around to the back of the house, thinking he’d find her broken on the ground, but she was gone. I said that she landed on her feet and ran off. If he saw the swan flying above us, he didn’t make the connection. Why should he? It makes no sense. None of what I am, what we are, makes any sense at all.
And so I pace. Alone with my thoughts. Should I go after her? Should I stay here? Should I wait outside with Dovid for the men I know will come, hungry for my blood? Should I prepare her bed for when she comes back again, still heartsick and cold, hungry and wild, and without him.
How can you trust a man—any man? I wonder. This one just keeps disappointing her. She pines for him endlessly, but he leaves her unsated, thirsty, a shadow of herself.
And yet Dovid is here for me. Dovid doesn’t leave my side. Dovid watches me pace, concern in his eyes. He gets me to drink. He makes me food to eat. He holds me and lets me cry on his shoulder as he strokes my long black hair. He tries to get me to sit, to stop, to breathe, to calm myself, to stop this frenzy of fretting, to soothe my agitation.
Perhaps there are different breeds of men. What separates one from the other?
I feel the cold trail of one tear, and another. And in an instant, Dovid is beside me again. His warm arms surround me. “Hush, love, don’t cry again. There’s nothing you can do. She made her choice. We all make choices.”
“My parents will be devastated,” I say. “This will break their hearts …”
“I know,” he says. “But there really is nothing you can do …”
Then it hits me. The swans, Liba. The swans. You can call them. There is something I can do. And it’s better than staying here like a caged beast with an endless cramping in my gut.
I owe her this.
72
Laya
I cross the pine glade
into the clearing.
It has taken
everything I have
to keep flying.
I am weak and covered
in scratches and scrapes.
I see the clearing
up ahead
but I don’t know
how to land.
I crash to the ground
with a thud.
Everything hurts.
I’m bruised
and broken.
But my body
is human again.
I hear something.
I flit my eyes open
and look up.
Fedir …
He takes me
in his arms.
He kisses me
and I feel alive again.
Revived.
I latch on
to his lips
and start to suck
hungrily.
I bite down
and taste blood
and it is so good
and sweet.
Everything buzzes
and tingles.
I feel better
instantly.
And I know
that I did
the right thing.
He will take me
to the lodge
and I will find
some answers.
I’m so glad you came,
he whispers.
I waited for you, I say.
Why didn’t you come?
There were others there …
He shakes his head.
Others? I say.
I don’t understand.
I wanted you alone
with no interruptions, he says.
I thought
that you’d forgotten, I say.
I could never forget you.
His eyes shine.
But now you’re here!
Now we can
be together forever.
Yes! I say. Yes,
that’s what I want too!
He takes me
through the clearing
and to the fire circle
before the Hovlin lodge.
You come willingly? he asks.
I do. It was only Liba
that held me back, I answer.
You wish to be mine? he says.
Forever. Only you, you you, I say.
I smash my lips against his.
I feel his brothers gathering
around us.
Fedir breaks the kiss.
He puts me down.
He takes my hand
and turns
to all his brothers.
Behold! With all of you
as witnesses,
I hereby pledge to wed Laya
in three days’ time.
What? I say.
Everything happens so fast
I’m not sure I understand.
I think I just agreed
to be his wife?
You will be my Queen,
he says.
I start to laugh—
it’s absurd.
Queen?
Queen of what?
The forest?
The air?
The orchard?
Fedir leads me away.
I can’t stop laughing.
Hush, Laya, hush, he says
but everything is funny.
He leads me to a cabin—
a small one—
it smells like home.
The bed is soft;
I sink into it.
He lies beside me.
I press my lips
to his again.
He touches me
and I feel
more alive
than I’ve felt
in days.
My toes tingle
so much I laugh.
It tickles,
this feeling of him
and me
alone in bed—
oh my, alone
alone
alone
I turn to wrap
my arms around him,
but he is by the door.
He whispers, Rest, my love,
just rest. I will be
back for you.
Stay here.
Do not leave
the cabin.
I have things
that I must do.
But wait! I say.
Where are you going?
But he is gone.
When I get up
to go after him,
to find the evidence
my sister needs
/> to prove her innocence,
the door is locked.
I’ve exchanged
one cage
for another.
73
Liba
I put my coat on, and my boots, and take my father’s weapons with me—both blades, the gun—and the blood-stained feather Mami gave me. I must call the swans.
“Liba, this is madness—you can’t go out there. They’re looking for you,” Dovid says.
I hear what he’s saying to me, what he continues to say, but it’s not something I can hear right now. “There’s something I have to do.”
“I can’t let you go out there.”
“If it was one of your brothers, and you knew that you could save them, would you go?”
“Yes, in a normal situation, but not if people were out there looking for me, accusing me of murder!”
“She’s the only family I have left. I promised my parents I’d take care of her!”
“She made her choice. There’s only so much you can do …” He shakes his head. “How do you think she would feel if they caught you on your way to find her, or help her, and you ended up in jail … or worse …”
“She’s my sister. I would lay down my life for her.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing if you go out tonight.”
“Then so be it.”
“You’re impossible!” Dovid says.
“I have to do this alone,” I say.
“No. I’m coming with you. Wherever you go, I go.”
I huff in frustration. “Okay, fine,” I say, but really I have to get away from him. I need to call the swans.
We walk out of the cabin.
“We’re going after Laya,” I tell Shmulik.
“You’re crazy, both of you,” he says. He looks at Dovid. “Your father will have my head.”
“I’m not letting her go alone.”
He takes my hand and we set off.
We arrive at the old oak tree without encountering anyone. That alone makes me worry. Why are the woods so quiet? So still? I let go of his hand. Something feels off. The air is hazy … I rub my eyes and suddenly I see we’re in an orchard. But that’s not possible. The trees around us are heavy with jewel-like fruit. Is this what Laya saw that day?
“Dovid, do you see fruit in the trees?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“Wait for me here, and if I don’t return within the hour, go for help.”
“No! Liba, I’m not letting you go ahead without me.”
“Please, Dovid, please! I beg you. I need to do this alone.”
He lets out his breath in a sigh of frustration. “Why? I’ll let you go if you tell me why.”