The Ties That Bind

by Andi Marquette

  "Oh?" I watched her, wondering what was prompting her to talk to me about it.

  She ran a hand through her hair, a gesture that I knew I shared with her. "Okay, so I went to Madrid because I wanted to see Sage's latest exhibit--holy fuck, Kase. She is so good."

  I smiled about that and also because Kara had pronounced Madrid like the locals do. "I know."

  "I mean, for real. She's got to have enough of a following that she could put a book together."

  "That's a good idea." A great idea, I added to myself.

  "For real. She could get a foundation to front the money for production costs, if she goes with a smaller local press. And she could keep the proceeds or donate them to whatever. Knowing her, she'll probably donate."

  "True. Damn, girl. You're hired. For what, I don't know. But if you keep it up with shit like this, I'll think of some kind of title for you."

  She leaned back, lips pursed in thought. "I need to think about this a bit. And I'll talk to Sage, too. The three of us need to have a conference about it."

  Typical Kara, I thought, feeling a little tension in my gut. All talk, no action. Grand "I'll get back to you" ideas and then nothing. She never followed through. Why am I surprised? I forced myself to relax, remembering what Mom had said a few days ago.

  "Anyway," she continued, "here's the rest of my interesting experience."

  I waited, listening.

  "I met this woman at the gallery and we talked for a couple of hours. We ended up having lunch over at the Mine Shaft."

  Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

  "And I asked her out to dinner tomorrow."

  "You mean on a date?"

  "No. To play a doubles tennis match. With Mom and Joely." She rolled her eyes. "Duh, Kase. Yes, a date."

  "That's great," I said, trying hard to sound enthused and not take the disapproving big sister role. "Where does she live?"

  "Santa Fe. She knows you and Sage."

  "Uh--" Holy fucking shit. "Shoshana?"

  Kara grinned. "The very one."

  I clenched my jaws. I will not start a fight with Kara. I chanted that over and over in my head, alternating with "new leaf."

  "She told me she came on to you pretty strong." Kara grinned at me like she was a cat who'd just eaten the proverbial canary.

  "She admitted it?" I drummed my fingers on my armrest.

  "As soon as she found out who I was, she got really embarrassed. We were talking about Sage's work--" she stopped and flashed me a mischievous little smile. "And yeah, we were flirting. But anyway, she said she thought Sage had a rare gift because she's able to capture the essence of something. I told her that Sage is my sister's partner and holy shit, the look on her face." Kara giggled. "She turned bright red and said had she known I was your sister, she wouldn't have been flirting. I told her it was too late and that's when she told me about what happened Saturday." Kara reached over and smacked me on the shoulder. "I can see you freaking out but trying to be all charming and not hurt her feelings."

  "She didn't notice a family resemblance?" I asked, ignoring the comment.

  Kara shrugged. "Context. Why would she make the connection? Plus, my hair's shorter than yours now. If it was longer, she might have wondered about a resemblance."

  "And it doesn't bother you?"

  "What? That she made a play for my sister?"

  I decided not to respond.

  "Nope. She didn't know who I was and we were flirting for a while before she found out."

  I recognized a certain petulance to Kara's tone and it took me right back to when we were teenagers, pushing each other's buttons. New leaf, dammit. "Well, hell. She's attractive and interesting. Why not?" I reached over and squeezed her forearm. "I hope you have a good time."

  She looked at me, unsure, suspicion in her eyes.

  "I'm still trying to get used to you dating girls," I said. "That kinda wigged me out a little."

  Kara sat back, studying my face, the suspicion dissipating. "We need to talk." Nothing in her tone set off warning bells in my psyche.

  "Yeah." I fidgeted with the magazine that was resting on my thigh. "But not just once. Maybe we should make it a habit. Or something."

  She nodded. "I know we haven't always gotten along. And I know I drive you crazy."

  I sighed. "I feel like a shit. I was thinking today that I've never asked you what you thought about things. I've been a total asshead older sister. I'm sorry about that."

  "Well, I've been a total asshead immature younger sister. And I'm sorry about that."

  "All right," I said, trying to lighten the mood. "So you're bi and you're going out on a date with some chick who propositioned me a few days ago. What else do you want to share?"

  Kara's eyebrows raised but she grinned. "Okay. I've decided to leave California."

  My turn to raise my eyebrows. "Why?"

  She shook her head, a distant, grim look on her face. "Burned out." She studied her hands, which were resting on her thighs. "I've worked almost ten years for a variety of environmental organizations out there. And I realized something." She raised her head and smiled wanly. "It's about politics. Not just the government and the corporations we're fighting." She leaned back, sighing with something that sounded like frustration. "Inter-office, too. Petty bullshit between groups. Cults of personality. Stupid drama that detracts from the overall message. And besides, I'm not sure it's the kind of work I want to do the rest of my life."

  "So you're searching."

  She nodded, staring out toward the street. "Yeah. And I decided to check in with the family because I also realized that I don't like who I've become in some ways." The muscles of her jaw clenched then released. "I know I've let you down in a lot of ways," she continued, voice quiet. Her gaze held mine. "Like Dad's birthday last year. I know you were disappointed that I didn't come through. I don't know why I do shit like that. I don't know if I'm rebelling against you and Joely, the perfect daughters for professors, or against my own insecurities about feeling like I've always been in your shadows."

  "Kare--" I started.

  "Hold up," she interrupted, though gently. "I'm not saying you tried to make me feel that way on purpose. That's just how it seemed to me. I never felt academia was the way I was going to go but in our family, it was pretty much expected."

  I thought about that, how hard it must have been to negotiate expectations and personal identity. "I guess I didn't consider that."

  She shrugged in a "what are you gonna do?" motion. "I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I see that I'm responsible for a lot of my own shit. I'm just not sure how to get rid of it. But I'm going to try." She toyed with a thread that had come loose at the pocket of her shorts. "And I know I'm going to fuck up. I know I'm going to continue to push your buttons in some ways but I'm working on things, okay?"

  I reached over and ruffled her hair. She flashed me a teenaged "quit it!" expression and we both started giggling.

  "Okay," I said after a bit. "I'll work on not falling into big sister bullshit. But I know I'll screw that up on occasion, too."

  "That's cool. I just want to try to change some things and I think I'm on the right track because it feels good, though it's hard."

  I leaned back, and a weight I didn't know I had hanging around my neck seemed to fall off. "So what do you feel like your next career's going to be?"

  "I don't know. I'm thinking about a few things. Grad school-- and don't you dare make any academic DNA comments--maybe staying with environmental work but in a different state. I'm a pretty good fundraiser so I could hook up with some other kind of nonprofit."

  "Are you all right on money?"

  She smiled at me. "For a while, yes. Contrary to what Joely thinks, I'm also very good at budgeting and I have quite a bit saved up. But thanks."

  "Seriously. If you need anything, let me know. I'll call on my vast network, see what kinds of jobs are out there."

  "I appreciate that. And I'll keep you posted. I'm just not
sure what I'm doing or what I want right now so I'm taking some time to figure it out."

  "Cool. So...first girlfriend?"

  Kara laughed. "God, would you chill with the bi thing?"

  "C'mon. I'm trying to get to know you better."

  "I know. I'm teasing. Amy Sinclair. Junior year in high school. You were already in college."

  "Shut up. Are you serious? The valedictorian? That Amy Sinclair?"

  She wiggled her eyebrows. "From spring break to the end of summer. Then she went to college and I think hooked up with some guy in the engineering program."

  "You said you were hanging out with Randy Blake that summer."

  "I was. But then Amy and I would get together." She grinned, enjoying my discomfiture.

  "Holy crap." I shook my head, floored.

  "Please, Kase. You told Mom and Dad you were hanging out with guys, too. Like Jerry Irvine. But I busted you making out with Mindy Johnson your senior year."

  Oh, my God. I knew I was blushing. I cleared my throat. "Where?" I managed.

  "In her car after one of your softball games. Don't worry," she added, smirking. "I didn't stick around too long. But I'd always suspected you swung that way."

  We sat in silence for a bit and I thought about Mindy. She was a junior when we hooked up. Bubbly, funny, and an Allstar shortstop. We did a lot of heavy petting, but that's as far as it got.

  "Mindy wasn't your first, was she?" Kara grinned like she knew something I didn't.

  "Second. April Gonzalez was the first girl I kissed, my junior year." Kara was a freshman at Flagstaff High that year and Joely was already in college.

  "Yes! I thought there was something between you two. She was cute. I liked her more than Mindy. I thought Mindy came across kind of shallow. But April--she was quiet. Deep."

  I nodded. "Yeah, she was."

  "How'd it happen?"

  "Get all personal, why don't you," I retorted in mock indignation.

  "Whatever."

  "April was really good with math and that's just not my subject. As you know." I looked at her and she nodded in agreement. "We were in the same trig class and I was fightin' life. I stayed after school one day for a math study group and Mr. Roberts went over a bunch of stuff with me. He was pretty cool about it, but I still didn't feel like I was getting it. April was in that group and she offered to help me--"

  "In more ways than one," Kara snorted.

  I shot her a teasing glare and she shut up.

  "Anyway," I continued, "she helped me every Tuesday and Thursday after school for a couple of hours. We'd sit there in the library and she was even more patient than Mr. Roberts." Funny how I never use my high school teachers' first names. "And she had these memory tricks for working specific problems and then the second week she was helping me, something clicked and I was able to start working the problems and I stopped freaking out so much about math, which was probably half of my issue."

  "Blah, blah, blah, Kase. Get to the good stuff." Kara nudged me with her foot.

  "Hey. Context is everything. So we took the midterm and I got a B and I was so damn excited. After we got our grades on that, I was hyped and I hugged April in the hallway and...well, you know."

  "No. You'll have to tell me. Describe it exactly." She leaned back in her chair, smiling mischievously.

  "That feeling. I already knew I liked girls more than boys. But I didn't understand how that might work until I hugged April. And I flipped out a little." I thought back, remembering how her body felt against mine. She wasn't a jock like I'd been, but she wasn't inactive, either. And she was soft in all the right places. "There was a basketball game that Friday. Guys. I went with the usual suspects and April was there with her cousin. April didn't wear a lot of makeup. I liked that. And she had a great ass."

  "Yeah, she did."

  I glanced at Kara. "I wish I had known you liked girls, too."

  "So we could double-date?" She laughed.

  "Nah. Just so we could...hang out. I felt like some kind of freak. After all, Joely was so boy-crazy that Mom and Dad got used to blatant heterosexuality in their offspring through her. And I was so not feeling that."

  Kara regarded me for a long time. "I wish you had told me."

  I tried to shrug our regrets away. "Hindsight. Anyway. Everybody went to that Denny's over on Milton and I asked April if she wanted to go. I told her we'd give her a ride home but she lived near there, on the side of the college opposite us. So I walked her home, after we shared an order of fries. I told everybody I'd be right back."

  "But you weren't." Kara smiled and a sweet expression hovered in her eyes.

  I sighed, smiling back. "No. I wasn't." I thought about that walk with April, on that cold, clear mountain night. I was so nervous and I wasn't sure what it all meant. She had a great voice. Warm and inviting and she always sounded glad to see you, even if she didn't know you very well. We went around back and we were standing by the chainlink gate into her yard, set in a cinderblock wall, and I thanked her again for helping me with math and I remembered my palms were sweating and I felt sort of queasy because I knew that no matter what was going to happen that night, my life was about to take a very different path than Joely's.

  "So did she kiss you or did you kiss her?"

  I snapped back to the present. "Neither. It just kind of happened. I remember we were standing there and she thanked me for walking her home but she didn't move. She just kept looking at me, like she expected something. I leaned down a little and she waited and I leaned down a little more and then we both kind of met in the middle. It was really awkward. But kind of sweet. We warmed up after that and by the time she went inside, we'd been out there over an hour. I ran back to Denny's but everybody had left. So I had to run home, across campus, and sneak into the house." I smiled, shaking my head. "High school. What a trip."

  Kara sighed. "High school sucked. Especially being the third. Everybody knew you and Joely and they just expected I'd be like you guys. Super scary smart like Joely or funny and athletic like you. But I'm not any of those things and I wasn't ever 'Kara.' I was always somebody's kid sister. Usually yours, since we were in high school together for a couple of years and Joely had already graduated."

  I watched as a group of teenagers walked past, laughing and talking, on their way to Central Avenue, no doubt. I didn't realize how high school had affected her. After all, it pretty much sucked for most people. Maybe I'd suspected she didn't feel she had her own identity, but I never followed up with her. "I'm sorry that happened. And for the record, you're way smart. You just don't obsess about it like Joely does."

  She laughed a little.

  "And you're totally funny. You have this great wacky Bette Midler sense of humor when you let it rip. Plus you can swear like a sailor and I, for one, appreciate a woman who cusses."

  She punched me on the arm.

  "Ow. Texas titty twister," I yelled as I reached for the front of her T-shirt. She shot out of the chair before I got a grip on her and we both started laughing.

  "What time do Chris and Dayna get here?" she asked after we'd stopped giggling.

  "Seven."

  "Okay. I'm going to check my e-mail."

  "What kind of pizza do you like?" I stood, stretching.

  "I'll eat whatever kind."

  "Yeah, so I found out recently."

  Before I could stop her she lunged for me and pulled my shorts down.

  "Shit!" I reached for her with my free hand while I tried to pull my shorts up with the other but she dodged my grip and disappeared into the house, laughing. I adjusted my clothing and followed her in, making a mental note not to wear shorts with elastic waistbands around her.

  Chapter Seven

  THURSDAY EVENING CHRIS and I sat out back, talking and munching on pizza. Chris had just taken another bite and she chewed for a few seconds, staring into space. She swallowed and turned her attention back to me. "So what do you think Sage'll do if that's her dad that was found out there?"

/>   "I don't know." I took a sip of beer. "I want to see the whole letter. River's supposed to send us a copy in the next few days." I braced my bottle on the chair's arm. "If that is Sage's dad and if somebody offed him because of shit going on at work, then it's a murder investigation. I doubt Sage'll want to get involved, given her history with him. River might. But I doubt it."

  Chris nodded and took a drink from her glass. As Sage predicted, Chris had to work the next morning and she opted for iced tea with dinner. "It's weird that he would send a letter like that to a son he hasn't spoken to in years. Something must have been really bothering him to do that, knowing how River and Sage feel about him."

  "So you're saying that something was going on at Ridge Star?"

  "Not necessarily. But he thought there was and it scared him enough to one, write that letter, and two, to send it. The fact that he disappeared after he mailed it sends up a couple of red flags, as well."

  "Maybe he bailed from work," I said. "Maybe he was scared, yeah, and then decided 'fuck it, I'm outta here'."

  "Wouldn't be the first time one of those guys did that," Chris agreed. "Plus, he's an addict. Maybe he OD'ed somewhere."

  "I thought about that. And his pattern of behavior seems to support his leaving on his own rather than sticking around and trying to whistle-blow. He's roughnecked all over the western states working various oil and gas wells. He'll make a shitload of money in one location, then move on with it, drink most of it, work for another few months torqued on meth to get the overtime hours, then move on...spin cycle. Him and all the other guys who work that industry. It's a lot of money for some of 'em, but a shit life in most ways." I swirled my beer in the bottle.

  "Damn dangerous industry," Chris muttered. "And it doesn't make sense, based on what we know about him, that he'd stay put somewhere and be Mr. Good Citizen. Which brings us right back to the original question. Why send a letter like that to an estranged son?"

  Laughter emanated from the house. Chris and I exchanged smiles.

  "Down time, mujer," I announced, our signal that it was time to talk about something else.