Best Australian Comedy Writing

by Luke Ryan

  November 28

  Heard there is a lot of Oscar buzz around my performance in Hammer of Love. Not surprised, I was fantastic. Also heard that Jennifer has threatened to blow up a hospital for every award I win. I guess the Academy voters will decide whose side they’re on. The publicity can only help The Shark Who Burnt Atlanta, although the studio is now saying they prefer the title Gettysburg Car Wash 8. I am willing to compromise.

  December 8

  Have had a wonderful idea and rewritten my script. It is still set during the Civil War, but now focuses on a sarcastic family of werewolves on the run from werewolf hunters hiding out in a convent. Title is now Creatures of Habit. Emailed Hugh Grant to tell him about it. Hugh emailed back, saying it was a wonderful idea, but plot should also involve backgammon in some way. Lately Hugh has been obsessed with backgammon, and it becomes tiresome. He has four movies lined up, all backgammon-themed. The irony is, he doesn’t even know how to play backgammon. Agreed to meet him for lunch tomorrow, as we have not seen each other in a while.

  December 9

  Lunch with Hugh was a little embarrassing. Continually had to slap his hand away from my thigh. He told me he suspected Joe Pesci of stealing his food. Would normally dismiss this, but Pesci has form; several years ago he stole all the maps out of my glove compartment. Macaulay Culkin told me that on the set of Home Alone everybody was instructed to keep their valuables on high shelves. Hugh confided in me that he has fallen in love with Thandie Newton, but does not know how to express his feelings. I advised him to be honest and direct, and he collapsed in tears. Most embarrassing. I had to ring Rachel Weisz and ask her to come pick him up. Amazing woman, she has the strength of an ox.

  December 11

  Had a great idea for Creatures of Habit: I intend to play both the head werewolf AND the Mother Superior. Emailed Eddie Murphy for advice on prosthetics. No reply yet. Call from Jeffrey Katzenberg, who says the movie can be about werewolves, but dislikes the name Creatures of Habit: He prefers The Adventures of Brian Dennehy, Rocketeer. Katzenberg also thinks the entire thing needs to be filmed on location in Vanuatu. I am not averse to any of these suggestions, but it does seem a bit presumptuous of him, given he is not attached to the film in any way.

  December 12

  Eddie Murphy emailed back to say I could borrow his fat suit, but only if I drove him to the airport. Emailed him back to say no deal.

  December 13

  Eddie turned up on my doorstep with suitcases. Angrily told him I was definitely not driving him to airport. Eddie started to cry and told me he never learned to read. Agreed to drive him to airport. On the way, he insisted on doing terrible Lily Allen impressions the whole time. When we got to the airport, he tried to convince me to come with him, hidden in his luggage. Said I was far too busy. He started to cry again. Beat a hasty retreat.

  December 14

  News this morning says Eddie Murphy has hijacked an American Airlines flight and redirected it to Chad. Must confess, am surprised.

  December 15

  Eddie called me, explaining he meant to direct them to Chad Lowe. He had assumed everyone knew what he meant, but now he is very hot and a camel spat on him. He asked me to wire him some money. Explained I don’t actually know what that means. Hung up while he was crying.

  December 16

  Fantastic day! Call from Pixar saying they are putting my script into production with Paul Reiser as the voice of Ulysses Grant, Tina Fey as Lincoln, and Seth Rogen as Grandpa Werewolf. They will rewrite my script to remove all references to chemtrails and The Protocols of Zion, and the final title is Walter the Talking Nectarine: but I do get Randy Newman approval. Also heard from Ron Howard, who wants me to play ALF in his sequel to Apollo 13. Finally my career seems to be on the move. Celebrated long into the night with champagne and air hockey games with Brett Ratner. As I fell asleep in Emma’s arms, heard a distant explosion. Can’t wait to find out what I’ve won!

  NOTES ON CONTRIBUTORS

  James Colley is a Young Walkley-nominated satirist, founder of SBS Comedy’s The Backburner, writer for The Weekly with Charlie Pickering, researcher for Gruen, comedy producer on FBi’s Backchat, creator of 2SER’s Stop the Posts, writer for A Rational Fear and all-round idiot for hire.

  Annabel Crabb is one of Australia’s most popular political commentators, a Walkley-awarded writer, and the host of Australia’s first dedicated political cooking show, ABC TV’s Kitchen Cabinet. She writes for ABC Online’s The Drum and has worked extensively in TV and radio. She is a columnist for the Sunday Age, Sun-Herald and Canberra’s Sunday Times, and has worked as a political correspondent and sketchwriter for titles including the Advertiser, the Age and the Sydney Morning Herald, and as London correspondent for Fairfax’s Sunday papers. She won a Walkley Award for her 2009 essay on Malcolm Turnbull, and was Australia’s 2011 Eisenhower Fellow. Annabel is an enthusiastic social media user and tweets about politics and food as @annabelcrabb. She lives in Sydney with her partner, Jeremy, and their three children.

  Andrew Denton has worked extensively in every medium except crayon. He describes himself as ‘too pretty for television and too ugly for radio’, and on visa forms lists his occupation as ‘personality’. He counts Rupert Murdoch, Paul Keating and Germaine Greer among his favourite detractors.

  Monica Dux is a columnist with the Age, and the author of Things I Didn’t Expect (when I was expecting) (2013), co-author of The Great Feminist Denial (2008), and editor of the anthology Mothermorphosis (2015). She can be heard regularly on ABC radio, and has published widely, especially on women’s issues. Monica is one of the founders of the Stella Prize. You can find her at monicadux.com.au or on twitter @monicadux.

  Roz Hammond is an actor and writer with credits that include five series of Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell, The Librarians, The Micallef P(r)ogram(me), Muriel’s Wedding and The Dish. Her one-woman shows have toured internationally and been nominated for awards at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Dublin Fringe Festival. Her television writing credits include Eric, Small Tales and True, Skithouse, Home and Away, It’s a Date and Little Lunch.

  Andrew Hansen is a member of comedy group The Chaser, whose TV shows include Media Circus (2014–15), The Hamster Wheel (2011–13), The Chaser’s War On Everything (2006–9), and CNNNN (2002–3). As well as creating theatre shows, Andrew has made an ARIA-winning album, The Blow Parade (2010), and written for humorous newspaper The Chaser (1999–2005).

  Lally Katz is one of the most produced Australian playwrights of her generation. Lally’s original voice has won her multiple awards, commissions and fellowships, and continues to entertain audiences in Australia and internationally. Her show Stories I Want to Tell You in Person will be published as a memoir by Allen & Unwin in 2016.

  Chris Leben is a writer, occasional actor, half-arsed comedian, director out of necessity and begrudging producer. He’s currently the head comedy writer of The Feed on SBS2, and has a verified Twitter account and several TV shows in development that will probably never see the light of day.

  Patrick Lenton is a blogger at The Spontaneity Review and the author of A Man Made Entirely of Bats. He is the recipient of the Thiel Grant for Online Writing, and was shortlisted for the 2014 Scribe Nonfiction Prize for Young Writers. He writes The Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge. He’s a Digital Marketer at Momentum.

  Lawrence Leung is an award-winning stand-up comedian, screenwriter and documentary maker best known for his geeky comedy and obsessive pursuits. He has hunted ghosts in Scottish castles on Lawrence Leung’s Unbelievable (ABC1) and solved a Rubik’s Cube whilst skydiving for Choose Your Own Adventure (ABC1). He managed not to have his head kicked in on ABC2’s action/comedy series Maximum Choppage. His first feature film, Sucker, is adapted from Lawrence’s award-winning one-man stage show of the same name. Lawrence is particularly chuffed because it stars Timothy Spall from the Harry Potter movies.

  Tony Martin is a New Zealand-born comedian, writer and director b
ased in Melbourne. His credits include The D-Generation, The Late Show, Martin/Molloy, Get This and Upper Middle Bogan. He is the author of three books and four angry letters to the Age ‘Green Guide’.

  Shaun Micallef is a TV comedian best known for Talkin’ ’Bout Your Generation and Shaun Micallef’s Mad as Hell. He is married with one wife, three children and a mortgage. He enjoys writing and has, so far, attempted three books: Smithereens, Preincarnate and The President’s Desk.

  Zoë Norton Lodge is a writer/presenter on The Checkout (ABC1) and a writer/panellist on The Chaser’s Media Circus (ABC1). She is the co-creator of Story Club, a live, monthly storytelling night, TV show (ABC2) and podcast. She is thrilled to be sharing excerpts from her first book Almost Sincerely (Giramondo Publishing) in this anthology.

  Liam Pieper’s 2014 memoir, The Feel-Good Hit of the Year, follows his journey from starry-eyed flower child to inept gangster. It was shortlisted for the National Biography Award and the Ned Kelly Best True Crime Award, and widely praised for its honesty. His most recent book, Mistakes Were Made, is a volume of humorous essays that collectively make up a craven apology for being too honest in Feel-Good Hit.

  Ben Pobjie is a comedian and author known for his television reviews, recaps and satirical pieces in publications including the Age, Sydney Morning Herald, New Matilda, Crikey, The Roar and others. He is also the author of Surveying the Wreckage, The Book of Bloke and Superchef. He lives in Melbourne with his wife, three children and growing inferiority complex.

  Jane Rawson is the author of the novel, A Wrong Turn at the Office of Unmade Lists, which won the Small Press Network 2014 Most Underrated Book Award, and co-author of The Handbook: Surviving and Living with Climate Change, a practical, personal guide to life in a climate-changed Australia. Her novella, Formaldehyde, won the Seizure Viva La Novella Prize. Jane was formerly the Environment & Energy Editor for The Conversation, and her short fiction has been published by Sleepers and Overland.

  Liam Ryan is a Melbourne-based comedian, writer and owner of ridiculous hair. He has gigged across Australia as a stand-up and improviser, and as part of award-winning sketch group WATSON. His comedy has been featured on the ABC and he also writes regularly for SBS Comedy. He has previously published gift books of questionable merit.

  Luke Ryan is a Melbourne-based freelance writer and comedian, and author of the comic memoir A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Chemo. His work has appeared in a number of publications including the Guardian, Best Australian Essays, Smith Journal, The Lifted Brow, Junkee, Crikey, Kill Your Darlings and many more. He also has a law degree, but would rather physically explode than use it.

  Fiona Scott-Norman is a writer, comedian, DJ, cabaret director, dramaturg and teacher. Has no superannuation, and is currently reviewing her life choices. She has had three books published with Affirm Press (50 Reasons to Quit Smoking, Don’t Peak at High School and Bully For Them), created two solo comedy shows (The Needle and the Damage Done and Disco: The Vinyl Solution), was a theatre and cabaret critic for the Age, and was raised with impeccable table manners.

  Sami Shah is a comedian and writer who has been profiled in the New York Times and ABC’s Australian Story and appeared on BBC Radio 4, BBC Asian Network, TEDx, The Project, the Soho Theatre, and QI with Stephen Fry. His autobiography, I, Migrant, has been nominated for the 2015 NSW Premier’s Literary Award and the 2015 Russell Prize for Humour Writing. Sami produces a weekly podcast, Sami Says, writes columns for SCOOP Magazine, Fairfax Media, the Courier-Mail and many other publications, and is a frequent contributor on ABC720.

  Rebecca Shaw (aka Brocklesnitch) is a freelance writer, podcaster and creator of the parody Twitter account @notofeminism. She is a columnist for Kill Your Darlings, is one of the team at The Backburner, and has written for SBS, Junkee and the Guardian. She is in constant competition with Ruby Rose to become Australia’s favourite lesbian.

  Robert Skinner worked for six years as a tour guide. He is the editor of a short-story magazine called The Canary Press.

  Chris Taylor is a writer and performer who is best known as a member of The Chaser team, responsible for television programmes such as The Chaser’s War On Everything, CNNNN and The Hamster Wheel on ABC. He now helps run the Giant Dwarf theatre venue in Sydney.

  David Thorne is an Australian humourist, satirist, internet personality and author. His website, 27bslash6.com, receives several million hits per month, and his work has been featured on the BBC, The Late Show with David Letterman, The Ellen DeGeneres Show and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. He exceeds others’ tolerances, stays up too late and has offspring who thinks David doesn’t know what he has been up to when he deletes his internet history.

  Felicity Ward is a multi-award-winning Australian stand-up comedian, comic performer, writer and actor. She has written and toured numerous solo shows across Australia, Europe and the USA, and has appeared on many television shows including Spicks and Specks, Thank God You’re Here, Laid and Good News Week. She has also appeared in the films Any Questions for Ben? and The Inbetweeners 2. In October 2014 she hosted the acclaimed ABC TV documentary Felicity Ward’s Mental Mission, and her latest stand-up show, What if There Is No Toilet, premiered in Edinburgh last month.

  Editor and comedian Luke Ryan has wrangled 24 of Australia’s finest comedy writers and rolled them into a single book of comedy gold. If there’s been a more impressive assembly of funny people in any Australian book ever, you can have your money back.

  JAMES COLLEY, ANNABEL CRABB, ANDREW DENTON, MONICA DUX, ROZ HAMMOND, ANDREW HANSEN, LALLY KATZ, LEE LIN CHIN AND CHRIS LEBEN, PATRICK LENTON, LAWRENCE LEUNG, TONY MARTIN, SHAUN MICALLEF, ZOË NORTON LODGE, LIAM PIEPER, BEN POBJIE, JANE RAWSON, LIAM RYAN, FIONA SCOTT-NORMAN, SAMI SHAH, REBECCA SHAW, ROBERT SKINNER, CHRIS TAYLOR, DAVID THORNE, FELICITY WARD