by Roddy Doyle
Leo (at each drop) Now.
Tommy (unseen; from behind the couch; seriously) You’d never know wha’ yeh’d put your hand on under here.
Leo (only slightly puzzled) Now —?
Tommy Glass or — . Here it is. —No. —Got it!
Tommy appears head-first from behind the couch, looking quietly triumphant. He is in his thirties, and was once described as being ‘a bit, —yek know; unfortunate’. He sees that Noel isn’t there and looks puzzled, then let down. As Leo goes behind the Bar Noel comes out of the Gents. Noel is in his early forties and was once in a band that played Mud, Sweet and Smokie hits at weddings and dinner dances. He puts a hand through his hair and roughs it up. He slips his comb into his back pocket. He is quite happy with his appearance, and everything else about himself.
Tommy I found it, Noel.
Noel (a bit absently) Wha’?
Tommy The tenpence.
Tommy Oh, righ’. Good man.
As Noel turns to the Bar his expression changes to one of bewildered, superior amusement.
Noel Have yeh got those pints for me, L—?
Before Noel finishes speaking Leo places two pints of Guinness on the counter in front of him.
Leo Now.
Noel Wha’ kept yeh?
Leo takes £4 from Noel and exits, stage-right, to the till. We hear ‘Now’, and then the till opening. As Leo exits, Yvonne and Lorraine enter and Martin comes out of the Gents. Yvonne is George and Briget’s twenty-year-old daughter. She is charmingly aggressive, and less charming when she doesn’t get her way. Lorraine is Tonto to Yvonne’s Lone Ranger. Martin is in his early forties and, although there are lines on his face, it wasn’t worry that put them there. Tonight, though, Martin looks miserable; really miserable. He automatically checks that his fly is closed as he goes to the Bar.
Lorraine Over here?
Yvonne (on the way to their table) Yeah. —Anyway, I said to him; you’re not my boss, you. You’re only a shelf stacker in a suit. Like the rest of us.
Noel deliberately gets in their way on his way from the Bar to his table. Noel Howyis, girls.
Yvonne Ah, howyeh, Mr McGrath.
(To Lorraine; mouthing secretly.) He fancies me.
Lorraine (mouthing) Jesus.
(Back to normal.) An’ wha’ did he do?
Yvonne He told the manager; the spa.
Lorraine Jesus.
Yvonne An’ he said I had to do it.
Lorraine An’ did yeh?
Yvonne Yeah. —But I made a mess of it.
Noel puts the new pints on the table, in front of Tommy.
Tommy (giving Noel the tenpence and looking seriously pleased) There.
Noel Eh, good man, Tommy.
As Leo comes back with Noel’s change, Features and Gary enter. Features is in his early forties, and is a very nice man: even his wife and kids like him. Gary, Features’s brother-in-law, is in his early twenties. He’s a student. His father thinks that a couple of years in the army would sort him out.
Features (greeting all; rubbing hands) Ha Ha —Ha Ha —Ha Ha. Noel’s hostility and Tommy’s uncertainty are clear. Tommy doesn’t know if he should say ‘Howyeh’ to Features.
Lorraine Oh Jesus, there’s a fuckin’ quiz on.
Yvonne Come on.
Yvonne and Lorraine get up and exit, watched by Noel and Gary, who looks at once impressed and disdainful.
Features Not stayin’ for the oul’ quiz, Yvonne?
Yvonne (scornful, but friendly) No way.
Leo (holding up change over the collection boxes) Lifeboat, the missions or yourself?
Noel (very emphatically) Meself.
Noel goes over for his change. Leo puts the change on the counter (‘Now’) and puts a pint in front of Martin.
Martin (heart-broken and hostile) I don’t want tha’.
Leo (a bit surprised) Now?
Features Leo, can I’ve a —
Leo puts the pint in front of Features.
Leo Now.
Features Lovely.
(Greeting.) Martin.
Martin grunts.
Noel (noticing Gary; suspicious) Hey Features, are yis playin’ a banger?
Features (friendly but emphatic) We are not. This is Gary. He’s Trudy’s little brother.
Noel (aggressively, to Gary) Who wrote ‘Elmer Gantry’?
Gary (reluctant to admit it and a bit overpowered) I —eh —can’t remember.
Noel Useless.
(To Tommy) He doesn’t know who wrote ‘Elmer Gantry’.
Tommy (to please Noel; doesn’t like saying ‘fuck’) Fuckin’ eejit. They laugh, including Features. Martin doesn’t laugh. Gary is humiliated and furious but tries not to look it. Martin leans over the counter and whispers his order (’Ballygowan’) to Leo, who bends to get it.
Features What’ll yeh have, Gary?
Gary Eh, —a bottle of Heinek —No, a pint of Bud.
Leo changes direction as Gary changes his mind. By the time Features orders the Budweiser the glass is under the tap, and filling.
Features A pint of —Bud there, Leo, please.
Leo (to Martin) Now.
Martin (almost viciously) Thanks.
Martin pours the Ballygowan with his back turned to the rest; then puts the bottle over the counter. He heads for his table, with Features and Gary.
Features All set, Martin?
Martin —Yeah.
Features This is Gary I was tellin’ yeh about.
Noel He doesn’t know who wrote ‘Elmer Gantry’.
Martin ignores Noel. He nods at Gary who nods back.
Features He’ll be great for the science ones. An’ the oul’ pop, wha’.
Gary squirms at the mention of ‘pop’. As Features speaks Denis enters, carrying more of his reference books. Denis, in his late forties, devotes hours and hours of his time to planning the quizzes, yet detests the contestants; every one of them. He was the only person in Banytown to vote for the Progressive Democrats in the last election, although he accidentally spoiled his ballot paper.
He puts the books beside the other pile, straightens them up, then turns to exit; a man with a mission.
Features Hey, Denis. Give us a few hints, wha’.
Denis (stopping for a second; very earnest) Never.
Features, Noel and Tommy grin across at each other, sharing their opinion of Denis. This unity lasts only a second. As Denis exits Bertie enters. Bertie is in his early forties. He is liked, respected and feared by those who know him, and just feared by those who don’t know him. He regularly breaks into ‘High Chaparral’ Spanish, a habit he picked up after being slagged about going to Benidorm on his honeymoon. Bertie draws an imaginary gun and holds it at the ready until Denis goes around and past him. Then he puts his gun back into its holster.
Bertie (to all, and loud) Compadres!
Sandra enters; runs past Bertie, trying to get her jacket off and keep her handbag on her shoulder at the same time. She is sixteen, and very self-conscious. She is in her uniform; black skirt and white blouse. She isn’t very confident on her high heels. Leo enters from the till.
Leo (accusingly) Now.
Sandra (aggressive) I had to go on a message.
(As she bursts into the Ladies.) It’s not my fault.
Bertie (starting again) Compadres!
Tommy in particular is happy to see Bertie.
Features There y’are, Bertie.
Bertie hisses at Features.
Bertie (indicating the right wing) Big fuckin’ crowd inside. (Pointing at Gary.) A gringo.
Noel (scornfully) Don’t worry ’bout him, Bertie.
Features (defensively, but not cowering) He’s Trudy’s little brother.
Bertie (pretending to spit on the floor, and staring at Gary) I speet on Trudy’s leetle brother.
(Sits down beside Noel and Tommy, Tommy in the middle.) That’ll shut the little cunt up for the first couple o’ rounds.
Tommy chuckles conspiratoriall
y.
Features Don’t mind him, Gary. He’s only messin’.
(To Martin.) Isn’t he?
Martin Yeah. Usually.
Bertie (to Features, re Gary) He looks a bit thick, Features. Features (a bit chuffed) He goes to N.I.H.E.
Bertie Oh, F.U.C.K.; does he? Hey, compadres, they might actually win this time, wha’.
Noel and Tommy scoff.
Denis enters, with a Bewley’s tin. He is very business-like and urgent. They all dig into their pockets for the admittance money.
Denis (officially) It’s ten pounds per table.
Noel Any reduction for mentlers?
Denis ignores him.
Bertie (giving Denis his money) There’s the pesos, Signor Denis. When they hand over their money Denis gives each team some sheets of paper, stapled together, on which to write the answers. Each team also gets a cardboard team number card, made and hand-printed by Denis. Bertie’s team is Number 36; George’s team Number 37; Yvonne’s team Number 38.
Bertie Leo, uno pint of the Guinneese, like a good man.
As Bertie orders, Leo puts a pint on a tray. Sandra comes out of the Ladies and takes the tray.
Leo Mr Gillespie.
Sandra I know!
The tray wobbles as Sandra puts it down on Bertie’s table. Noel and Tommy grip their pints in case of an accident.
Bertie (refusing the change Sandra hands him) No, you’re alrigh’. Buy yourself a hat.
Sandra (going away; to herself, but loud) Buy yourself a bar o’ soap.
Features (giving Denis £7.50) George’ll be here in a minute.
Noel He’s swottin’ at home.
Denis It’s ten pounds per table irregardless of the number of contestants.
Martin He’ll be here in a minute.
Denis (insistent) It’s ten pounds.
While Features digs into his pocket for the extra money, Yvonne, Lorraine and Niamh enter. Niamh was in the same class as Yvonne and Lorraine, but they don’t often meet these days. Niamh feels that she has grown up faster than Yvonne and Lorraine. After all, she’s nearly engaged to Dermot ; although Dermot doesn’t know this. Sandra follows them to their table. Noel gives them a hungry look.
Yvonne (not enthusiastic) Can we not just go downstairs? I fuckin’ hate quizzes.
Niamh Ah, come on, Yvonne. It’ll be a bit o’ buzz.
Lorraine (more enthusiastic) Jesus, I’ll be useless. I don’t even know why men can’t help actin’ on Impulse.
Niamh Come on, Yvonne. I haven’t seen yis in ages. Dermot can answer the questions.
Yvonne and Lorraine glance at each other, amused and contemptuous.
Denis (to the girls) It’s ten pounds.
Noel Jaysis, Denis, yeh sound like a brasser on Mount Street.
Denis ignores him.
Lorraine (complaining to Denis) It’s very dear.
Sandra (impatient) Are yis ready to order your drinks yet?
Yvonne No, we’re not actually, Sandra.
Sandra moves away.
Niamh Little bitch. —I’ll pay for Dermot.
Lorraine (mock-admiring Denis’s team card) Oh, isn’t tha’ lovely!
Yvonne (looking to right wing) Which one’s Dermot?
Niamh (indignant) He’s not one of them, Yvonne! He’s not here yet. He has classes on Mondays.
Yvonne (very slightly bitchy) Why? Did he fail his Leaving?
They laugh, after a short hesitation.
Lorraine (after they laugh) Don’t mind tha’ wagon, Niamh. Come here, is he good lookin’?
Yvonne Sandra. Over here, please.
The girls continue to talk quietly, and regularly laugh.
Features is fighting a losing battle, trying to inject a bit of good humour and excitement at his table. He rubs his hands, winks at Gary, nudges Martin. He regularly stands up and looks out at the rest of the Lounge, judging the amount of teams inside. He enjoys the crack at Bertie’s table, although Bertie’s team ignores him. Martin stares at his Ballygowan, detesting it. He tries to smile, but he’s feeling too sorry for himself. Gary wears a smug, amused expression, except when Bertie looks at him.
Features (standing up; to Martin) No sign o’ George.
Noel Thank Jaysis.
Bertie Maybe George, he has copped on at last.
Features Oh, he’ll be here alrigh’. Don’t worry.
Bertie Righ’, Tommy, compadre mio. Biggest earthquake?
Tommy (serious and pleased) China, 1556.
Bertie Good man. Worst volcano?
Tommy Krakatoa, 1883.
Noel Longest langer?
Tommy Bertie Gillespie, 1989.
Bertie Fuckin’ sure. An’ that’s inches he’s talkin’ about there. Not millimetres now. I speet on your millimetres.
Yvonne (quietly to the girls) That’s fuckin’ disgustin’.
Features (looking into right wing; standing up) It must be the biggest crowd yet. (Beginning to worry.) Still no sign o’ George but.
Martin tries to share Features’s concern, but his heart isn’t in it.
Gary Can we not do without him?
Features Are yeh jokin’ me, Gary!? —He’ll be here. He’ll be here.
Denis is now sitting on a stool at the Bar, erect and self-important. He taps his microphone.
Denis Testing one —testing testing. Can yis all hear me?
Nearly All No!
Denis Righ’. —On behalf of the Barrytown Wheelies Cycling Club I would like to thank yis all for comin’ out tonight for the quiz.
As Denis speaks Dermot enters, looking confident but lost. He is in his early twenties. He’s a grand, popular lad, but a bit dull. He stands at the Bar. Angela enters, sees Bertie’s team, and goes over to them. They’re happy to see her. Angela, in her mid thirties, is a hard, good-humoured woman. Her husband sneaked out on her a while ago and, after a few bad months of grief and shame, she’s beginning to enjoy life again.
Denis Tonight’s prizes are a bit special. Four Kenwood kettle-jugs.
Niamh (enthusiastically) Oh that’s very good, isn’t it?
Yvonne and Lorraine aren’t as impressed.
Noel Wha’; each?
Denis ignores him.
Niamh (getting up and going to the Bar) There he is.
Denis The runners up prizes are four vouchers for the Barrytown Stay Hard Fitness Centre.
The lads laugh scornfully. Yvonne and Lorraine look a bit impressed. Then—
Yvonne (looking at Dermot and Niamh) Jesus, it’s him!
Lorraine Wha’?
Yvonne It’s him.
Lorraine (unsure) Yeah.
Yvonne No, it’s him. Remember I told yeh?
Lorraine (lost at first; then —) Oh Jesus! It isn’t.
Yvonne It is, I’m tellin’ yeh.
Lorraine That’s Dermot but. —Oh, fuckin’ Jesus. I’m scarlet, I must be. Am I? I’m goin’ to the tylet.
Yvonne Don’t fuckin’ budge, you.
We see Dermot ordering a drink from Sandra, who is on her way to give a pint of Guinness to Angela.
Angela Thanks very much, love. I’m tellin’ yeh now, I need it. How’s your mammy?
Sandra (friendly for the first time) She’s grand, thanks, Mrs. O’Leary.
Noel leers at Sandra as she goes back to the Bar.
Angela (taking a sip; loud) Ah Jaysis, Leo, you’re a fuckin’ genius.
Leo (offstage; modestly) Ah now.
Denis (checking his index cards; into the microphone; trying not to get flustered) Righ’.
Angela I’m tellin’ yis, tha’ little bastard, David; he always knows when I’m goin’ out. Always. He does now. Yeh can’t get the little fucker into his bed when I’m goin’ out. He tried to climb into the fridge tonight, he did. —Ah, he’s lovely though.
Bertie Si.
Tommy I’ll tell yeh one thing, Angela. He’s goin’ to be a great little footballer.
Bertie Oh si.
Dermot is being introduced to Lorraine an
d Yvonne. Lorraine won’t look at him.
Lorraine Hiyeh.
Yvonne Hiyeh, —Dermot.
Niamh (introducing him again) This is Dermot. Sit here, Dermot. Dermot sees Yvonne properly for the first time. He looks stunned for a second, then panicky; but seems to recover. Yvonne looks at him reluctantly, then definitely; then away from him; then back, defiantly.
Dermot and Niamh sit down.
Niamh How did your class go tonight, Dermot?
Dermot (through a dry mouth) Eh, — fine. Great.
Lorraine Did yeh get anny eccer?
She looks stern, then giggles; then looks stern again. Yvonne tries not to laugh. The Quiz is about to start. Denis reads the questions and the teams confer, and write their answers on their sheets. The sheets are collected at the end of each round, and Denis gives them the answers. Because the teams are positioned very close to one another they have to confer very carefully and quietly.
Denis Righ’. Make sure your table numbers are —. Are yis listenin’? —Make sure your table numbers are on the top righ’ hand corner of your page. Now, yeh won’t get any marks if the number is missin’, so —just make sure.
Leo (getting at Denis) Better safe than sorry, Denis. Isn’t tha’ it?
Bertie Oh si.
Denis (ignoring them) There are ten rounds, with five questions in each of them. —Righ’. We’ll commence — now. Round One.
There is silence. Pens are held, at the ready. Bertie’s team hunches over the table, ready to confer. Features looks into the right wing, worried. Niamh, in charge of her team’s answers, is happily writing the table number on all the sheets. She sits close to Dermot. Yvonne and Lorraine sit as far from Dermot as they can. Yvonne and Dermot seem determined not to look at each other.
Denis Question Number —One.
Features Hang on, Denis. Here’s George.
Noel (quietly) Fuck.
Bertie hisses. His team’s hostility and scorn are good-humouredly obvious.