by Roddy Doyle
Denis (determined) Question Number One.
George enters, charging, holding his jacket close at his stomach.
George, in his early forties, is the obvious captain of his team. George plays to win. He is the quiz’s John McEnroe although, unlike McEnroe, he hasn’t won anything yet.
George Hold your horses, Denis!
There is mock-cheering. Features is delighted to see George. George goes behind Bertie’s table on the way to his own. He glares down at them very quickly, without stopping.
George (grudgingly) Howyis.
Bertie’hisses.
Yvonne Hurry up, Daddy.
George grins, pleased and surprised to see her.
Denis I said, Question Number One!
George An’ I said, hold your fuckin’ horses, righ’!
(To the rest, as he sits down.) Fuckin’ little virgin mary.
(To Sandra.) A pint, Sandra, please.
Sandra (who doesn’t dislike George too much) Okay.
George takes the answer sheet from Features, and takes his biro from his jacket pocket.
George Righ’.
(To Gary.) Howyeh.
Gary (looking, warily amused, at George braced for action) Hi.
In the Kitchen, Briget gets up from the table and makes George’s cup of tea.
Denis What was —Wha’ was Fred Flintstone’s wife called?
George Ah, give us a challenge, will yeh.
George and Bertie’s teams have no difficulty with the answer.
Noel (loud enough for George’s team to hear) Trudy.
George (to Features) Don’t mind him.
Gary looks a bit embarrassed. Yvonne’s team confers, but Niamh is the only one enthusiastic.
Yvonne (quietly but snottily; responding to Niamh’s whispered question) I don’t know!
Noel (watching Bertie write the answer; aping Fred Flintstone) Will-ma!
Lorraine (hearing Noel) Jesus, yeah!
Angela Yeh thick fuckin’ eejit, Noel.
Niamh writes the answer. Bertie’s team is not impressed with Noel.
George (annoyed) I’m lodgin’ a complaint here, Denis.
Noel Lodge it up your arse.
George (pointing at Noel; threatening) Don’t fuckin’ —
Bertie (pointing at George; more threatening) Hey! — Compadre —.
George looks less aggressive, and avoids Bertie’s stare.
Denis Are yis listenin’!?
(Staring at them.) —No shoutin’ the answers. It spoils everythin’. —Question Number Two.
George Good man, Denis.
The teams glance aggressively across at each other as they wait for the next question. George’s team’s aggression melts a bit when Bertie looks at them. He looks amused. Leo looks over Denis’s shoulder at the index card, and is pleased to see that he knew the answer; (‘Now’). Sandra eats a packet of crisps.
Denis (after staring at Noel) How many Number One hits — Some of the older men groan. Noel sits up.
Noel Here we go.
Denis How many Number One hits did the pop grouuup, the Thompson Twins, have?
Noel English or Irish charts?
George (quietly) Will yeh listen to Larry fuckin’ Gogan.
Denis (very definitely) English.
Bertie looks at Noel, waiting for the answer. Denis checks one of his reference books to make sure that he is right about the English charts; and he is.
Noel (chancing his arm; backing out) If it was the Irish ones ——. They confer.
Angela None.
Noel disagrees. Lorraine knows the answer. Yvonne remains distant. Dermot wants to take control of the team, but he’s almost afraid to move, and keeps glancing worriedly at Yvonne.
George (to Gary; expecting the answer) Well?
Gary I don’t —. I’m not really into commercial groups — .
George (before Gary has finished; dismissive; annoyed) Two.
He looks to Features and Martin for confirmation. Features nods, and looks to Gary. Martin and Gary shrug. George looks briefly and very contemptuously at Gary. Bertie’s team quickly, but not unanimously, agrees on an answer while Denis asks the next question.
Denis Question Number Three. What player —Wha’ player scored for both teams in the 1981 FA cup final?
George (quietly pleased) I knew it!
He whispers the answer to Features. As George writes the answer he laughs quietly to himself; remembering something.
Features That’s the man. Very good.
We see Bertie’s team with the answer on the tip of their tongues. George and Features look over at them, quietly delighted and triumphant. Features nudges Martin, to show him the opposition’s plight. Martin looks as if the nudge causes him agony, but bears it manfully. Dermot knows the answer.
Niamh Dermot knows the answer.
Lorraine and Yvonne glance at each other, mock-impressed.
Dermot sees this.
George (quietly; to Yvonne) Hey, Yvonne, how many Number Ones did the Thompson Twins have?
Angela Here, none o’ tha’!
George looks defiantly caught.
Angela Denis!
George grins guiltily and defiantly, and looks at his answer sheet when Bertie looks across at him.
Yvonne He didn’t do annythin’.
Denis breathes deeply, controlling his indignation.
Denis. Question —Number —Four. (More relaxed.) Where would —Where would yeh find the Walloons?
Noel Drimnagh.
This comment doesn’t get the laughs Noel expected.
Angela (under her breath) Eejit.
Niamh Oh, I know this one.
Yvonne (‘so what’ style) So do I.
George shows his team the answer he’s written, but he takes the page back before Gary has a chance to see it. He looks across to see if the others know it. Martin winces and Features notices. Noel wordlessly and secretly demonstrates to Bertie’s team that the Walloons are in the back of your mouth. Tommy disagrees. He knows the answer. He whispers it to Bertie.
Denis And Question Number Five. Who said —
Noel is annoyed when he sees Bertie writing down Tommy’s answer.
Denis Who said: “Romantic Ireland’s dead and gone. It’s with O’Leary in the grave”?
Lorraine (recognising the quote) Jesus!
All of Yvonne’s team know the answer, and are pleased; difficulties temporarily forgotten. Gary, looking a bit smug, leans over and whispers the answer to George.
Bertie Jack Charlton.
Angela (doubtful) Are yeh sure?
Bertie (remembering) After one o’ the matches. He said it to Jimmy Magee.
Tommy (almost apologetic, but definite) No. —It was George Hamilton. I remember it.
Bertie (writing the answer) Big —Jack —Charl —ton.
Denis Righ’. Sandra here will collect your answers from yis. Sandra (indignant, outraged) I will not, you!
Leo (warningly) Now.
Sandra, furious, drops her tray onto the counter and goes to collect the answer sheets.
Denis (as Sandra passes; a bit contrite) Thank you very much, Sandra.
(To the teams.) Make sure now your number is on the top or yis won’t get any points.
Noel (sarcastic) Oooh!
Angela (to Noel) Cop on, will yeh.
The teams relax, although Yvonne and Dermot are still tense, and don’t look at each other. Sandra, furious, collects Niamh’s answer sheet.
Features (wanting to order drink) Sandra.
Sandra I’m busy.
Yvonne (as Sandra moves away) Your zip’s open, Sandra.
They watch Sandra trying to check that her skirt is done up.
Martin picks his glass up and stares into it, still looking miserable. George and Features exchange looks, nodding at Martin: they don’t know what’s wrong with him. George and Tommy stand up. Leo whispers something to Denis. Denis starts to exit, looking righteous. He comes back for his index c
ards, and exits, looking even more righteous.
George The jacks.
He deliberately barges past Tommy on his way to the Gents.
Yvonne (to George) Hey, Daddy. They didn’t have any.
George turns to go back and change his answer. Angela lunges, grabs the answer sheet from Features, and hands it to Sandra. George turns back to the Gents, furious.
George (from inside the Gents) Mind your own fuckin’ business!
Bertie’s team grin and chuckle. Denis enters, looking grimly triumphant, brandishing a copy of the Guinness Book of Records. He grabs the microphone.
Denis (holding up the book) Team number 13 have been disqualified for havin’ this book under their table. Open! —I don’t care who it is. (From the heart.) I’m not havin’ it!
There is cheering and clapping, most of it ironic.
Bertie (looking into the right wing) Caramba! D’yeh see who it is? It’s Father Molloy’s team!
This news is greeted with a mixture of delight and horror. All look offstage.
Lorraine Jesus!
Features There now, Gary. Didn’t I tell yeh it was a great night out?
Lights fade.
SCENE TWO — THE KITCHEN
Groucho sings the ‘La la laa —La la laa’ part of ‘Lydia The Tattooed Lady’. It is 7.30 pm; half an hour before the quiz is due to commence; a quarter of an hour before the start of Scene One.
Briget brings George’s cup of tea to the table. Briget, forty, is a good-humoured, intelligent woman. She’s not exactly unhappily married: she still sees in George a lot of what she saw when they first started going with each other twenty-two years ago, but there are times when she can’t stand the sight of him. She’s bored but she’s never said it to anyone, or herself. George enters from the left wing, carrying his jacket, one arm in a sleeve. He is dressed as in Scene One. He carries a few sheets of paper; lists of capital cities, mountain ranges, presidents, cabinet ministers etc. Briget sits down, to resume her crossword.
George (spotting the tea) Sound.
He puts the sheets of paper in front of Briget, on top of the crossword, and then puts sugar and milk into the cup.
George Ask us a few, will yeh.
Briget (dismissive) You know them off by heart.
George Go on; a few only.
(Testing the tea.) A.1. —Go on. You’re doin’ nothin’ else.
Briget (not too indignant) Excuse me, George! I’m doin’ me crossword.
George Nothin’ important.
As Briget asks the questions below George looks in some tins and shelves, searching for something.
Briget (scanning the sheets indifferently) An’ this is important, is it? (Before George can answer.) Alabama?
George No, not from the top. Go into the middle.
Briget (as if she’s done this before) —Florida?
George Tallahassee.
Briget (gently mocking) Correct. New Mexico?
George Santa Fe.
(Giving up the search; slightly irritated.) Where are they?
Briget (looking for a hard one) I had to hide them again. Nev — ?
George Carson City.
Briget (throwing the sheet onto the table) Yeh know them backwards, George.
George (looking in one more tin) Yeh’d never know. We were badly caught the last time. —One more, go on. A hard one.
Briget (knowing there’s no point) Wyoming.
George (doing a John Wayne impression) Cheyenne. —I give up. Where are they?
Briget (enjoying teasing him) I had to hide them.
George Yeah yeah. Where but?
Briget nods to the door and George looks out, making sure that the kids aren’t coming. Briget stretches under the table and pulls out a box of Jaffa Cakes that has been taped to the table, like a bomb under a car.
George Coast’s clear.
(Seeing the hiding place.) Jaysis.
Briget (cheerfully) I’m runniing out o’ places.
George (admiring her ingenuity) You’ll never run out o’ places, Briget.
He sits down, looking at his watch: he doesn’t have much time.
He takes a sheet of paper from the bottom and puts it on the top of the pile.
George Ask us some o’ them.
Briget Ah, no.
George (daring her to refuse) Please.
Briget (reading the sheet) Yeh know all these ones as well. You’ve got more useless information inside in your head than annyone I know. ’Cept your mother.
(Before George can object.) Energy?
George Bobby Molloy.
(Looking at his Jaffa Cake.) These aren’t as nice as they used to be, sure they’re not?
Briget Yeh don’t have to eat them if yeh don’t like them.
George I didn’t say I didn’t like them. I said they’re not —
Briget Health?
George Doctor Rory O’Hanlon.
Briget Education?
George Eh,—Mrs. Mary O’Rourke.
Briget Social Welfare?
George (venomously) Woods.
Briget Correct correct correct.
(Gently sardonic.) You’re a genius, George. I’ve always said it.
George So have I. You’re no thick yourself, missis.
Briget I know.
(Indicating the sheets.) I know all those as well.
George (defensively) They’re only easy ones.
Briget Then why don’t yeh have a list of the hard ones?
George (good-humoured, but with an edge) Do I ask you how yeh cook the dinner, do I? —Or how yeh do your crosswards, do I?
(Grabbing the paper.) Stupid fuckin’ things.
Briget (almost hiding her annoyance) Give it back here, you.
George What’s this supposed to mean, look it? ‘How you were caught with your paw in the paint pot’.
Briget (as if it’s obvious) Red-handed.
George Wha?
Briget Red-handed. That’s the answer. Caught red-handed. With your — (Showing her hand.) Paw in the paint pot. D’yeh see? It’s—
George (before Briget can explain; throwing the paper onto the table) Load o’ shite.
Briget decides to let George get away with this.
Briget (indicating the sheets) Ask me a hard one; go on.
George (putting her back in her box; thinking of a very hard one) Righ’. —Who —? Who scored two goals in the FA Cup Final: one for each team?
Briget Tommy Hutchinson.
George How did yeh fuckin’ know tha’?
Briget Cos you kicked the cat after he scored the second one; remember? An’ I had to bring the poor little thing to the vets, remember. An’ I had to bring Yvonne to the doctors because she kept havin’ nightmares about flyin’ cats. Oh, I remember Tommy bloody Hutchinson alright. An’ so does the cat.
George (looking briefly at the cat’s tray; guiltily) I bought him a ball with a bell in it.
Briget (re the quiz) I’d be as good as you are.
George (scornful) Would yeh ever —. Righ’; who wrote ‘Elmer Gantry’? The buke.
Briget —I don’t know. Who did?
George (not giving away the secret) Ah, now.
(Standing up; lifting the cup.) See now. —Will I wash this?
Briget (a little vindictively) Yeah.
George exits, annoyed, to wash the cup. There is slight malice in
Briget’s expression when she speaks.
Briget Hope yeh win this time.
George (entering; sounding a bit worried) So do I.
(Picking up the sheets; trying to remember.) Wha’ was the name o’ tha’ square in China where the students all —
Briget Tiananmen Square.
George That’s righ’; yeah.
Briget Everyone knows tha’.
(Enjoying pronouncing it.) In Beijing.
George (as if afraid he’ll forget) That’s righ’.
(Re the sheets.) I don’t really need these.
(Changing his mi
nd; putting them in his pocket.) — Still.
(Checking that he has money; half to himself.) Fuckin‘— Paddy can’t make it tonight. Olive’s mother’s after havin’ a bypass or —fuckin’ —a zebra crossing or somethin’.
(As if it’s a feeble excuse.) So he can’t make it.
During the above Briget’s face lights up. She’s on the verge of suggesting herself as a replacement. George doesn’t notice this.
George Features is bringin’ Trudy’s brother instead. He’d better be good. He’s a fuckin’ student, —but —.
Briget’s disappointment is not too obvious.
George Paddy could go on ‘Mastermind’. Only he’d keep slidin’ off the chair.
(Heading for the door.) Good luck so, love. I’ll bring yeh home a few chips, will I?
Briget You’re off tomorrow, aren’t yeh?
George (stopping; a bit cagey) Yeah.
Briget (determined) You can come to the parent-teacher meetin’ with me, so.
George I can in me hole.
Briget (exasperated) Ah —?
George I’ve a match tomorrow. Pitch ‘n’ putt.
Briget It’ll only be for —
George Against Sinbad McCabe. He bet Features on Saturday, so I’ll have to have a practise in the mornin’. I can’t stand the cunt.
Briget (getting a bit angry) So I have to go on me own while you enjoy yourself, is that it?
George (surly and defiant) No.
Briget Well, then? The kids, George. Jesus, they’re your responsibility as well, yeh know.
George What d‘yeh mean!? Listen, you. Where did the turkey come from tha’ we had at Christmas? Well?
Briget This is stupid.
George Where!?
During the following Briget realises the futility of arguing with George: he must win.
Briget Pitch an’ putt, George.
George That’s righ’. An’ your mother’s turkey, remember. An‘ your sister’s. An’ if I hadn’t o’ won it playin’ pitch ‘n’ putt she‘d’ve been havin’ easy slices sandwiches for her Christmas dinner, knowin’ tha’ fuckin’ waster she got herself lumped with. So don’t talk to me about responsibilities, righ’.