by Roddy Doyle
George (quietly) Don’t mind him.
Yvonne (getting her bag and standing up) The tylet. —I never asked yeh, Dermot. Did yeh enjoy the party?
Dermot (aghast, but hiding it) —Yeah.
Yvonne goes to the Ladies. Denis comes out of the Gents. Lorraine is torn between wanting to follow Yvonne and wanting to stay, to hear what happens next. She picks up her bag and half-stands, but sits down again and drops the bag.
Niamh (nicely) Wha’ party?
Denis Righ’. Sorry about tha’.
Bertie No problem, Signor Deniiis.
Dermot That party I was tellin’ you about. At —
(Pretending he’s trying to remember.) when you were in Blackpool. I can’t —
Denis How many —
Dermot (to Niamh; bracing himself for the answer) Hang on.
Denis How many sons did Adam and Eve have?
Bertie and George’s teams confer quietly and intensely. Only snatches can be heard.
George It can’t be. Too easy.
Noel Was Abel not a young one?
Niamh An’ was Yvonne at the party?
Dermot (busy counting Adam and Eve’s offspring) —Wha’? —Oh, yeah.
(To Lorraine; whispering.) Two?
Lorraine shrugs, embarrassed.
Niamh Were yeh talkin’ to Yvonne at the party, Dermot?
Dermot (showing three fingers; whispering) Three?
Lights fade.
SCENE FOUR — THE KITCHEN
Groucho goes ‘La la laa —La la laa’.
It is evening, a week or so before the quiz.
Yvonne, not dressed exactly as in Scenes One and Three, is sitting at the table with Briget. Her jacket is hanging over the back of her chair. Her handbag is on the floor, under the table. As she speaks she is absently playing with one of the jigsaw pieces. Briget works at the jigsaw as she talks and listens. She glues the pieces to the board when she’s sure they’re in the right place.
Briget (amused) Gordon?
Yvonne Yeah.
(Mock-posh.) Gordon.
Briget An’ did yeh meet him below in the pub?
Yvonne Are yeh jokin’ me, Mammy? Tha’ place!? I hate it there. Darts an’ quizzes. An’ oul’ creeps starin’ at yeh an’ droolin’.
Briget Ah, Yvonne now. It’s not tha’ bad.
Yvonne Well, I think it is. —No; Howth, I met him in. Saints.
Briget (re what Yvonne told her before the start of the scene) —I’d love to have seen his face.
Yvonne Ah, yeh should’ve seen it, Mammy, I’m not jokin’ yeh. You know when yeh see some fellas the first time an’ they look really good lookin’?
Yvonne looks for an answer, then remembers that it’s her mother she’s talking to. They laugh a little, slightly embarrassed.
Yvonne You know. They look gorgeous. But when yeh look at them for a while they don’t look as gorgeous as yeh thought they did, an’ yeh start noticin’ their spots an’ tha’.
They laugh again.
Briget That’s just like the young lads that are in those videos.
Yvonne (agreeing) Yeah.
Briget Sometimes I flick onto them durin’ the ads an’ I see this young lad singin‘, in a denim jacket an’ a tee shirt, yeh know. Walking’ through the desert or somethin’, an’ I say to myself. —My God —. So I watch the rest of it. An’ by the end of it I’m sayin’ to myself tha’ George was as good lookin’ as him when he was his age.
Yvonne Daddy! Can’t yeh just picture him in a group!
Briget Can’t you just now. In a pair of leather trousers.
George enters while they’re laughing.
George (grumpy, for entertainment’s sake) What’re youse two laughin’ at?
Yvonne (good-humouredly aggressive) Nothin’.
Briget (secretly to Yvonne; re George) Jason Donovan.
George opens the fridge and bends down to have a good look inside. We hear him as he roots around in the fridge.
George Nothin’ me arse. Nothin’ important maybe. I’ve been watchin’ the news there. My Jaysis. Earthquakes. Child abuse. RUC men bein’ blown to shite, up there.
George closes the fridge door. He has a chicken leg. As he speaks below, he takes the salt cellar from the table and shakes some salt on the chicken. Salt falls on the jigsaw. Briget gives him an annoyed look, but says nothing.
George I don’t know wha’ yis have to be laughin’ abou’. But fire away. Don’t let me stop yis.
As he exits, he fills his mouth with chicken.
Briget (with slight contempt) Did it have annythin’ abou’ starvation? George (not realising that he’s being slagged) No.
Exit George.
George (offstage) Put it back onto The News there. —Go on!
Briget (re George; quietly; to herself) Eejit.
(Fitting a piece.) Got yeh. —Wha’ were we talkin’ about? Before Vere Wynne-Jones interrupted us.
Yvonne Daddy bein’ in a video.
Briget (chuckling) Oh yes.
Yvonne Annyway, he —Gordon —he looked gorgeous when I saw him the first time. Really now. A ride.
Briget (with half-hearted disapproval) Yvonne!
Yvonne Sorry. He was though. An’ then when he came over an’ started talkin’ to me; Jesus! Lorraine couldn’t take her eyes off him. But, Jesus Mammy, he kept goin’ on an’ on, about himself. Even Lorraine got sick of him. Then he said he was goin’ to Australia, because this country had no future as far as he could see.
(After raising her eyes to heaven.) Annyway, he had a voice like Bugs Bunny. An’ he had loads of blackheads here -.
(Indicates the side of her nose, and then the corners of her mouth.) —An’ his skin was all dry an’ cracked here, yeh know, so I told him to fuck off to Australia.
Briget (trying not to laugh too much) Could yeh not just have sat somewhere else, to get rid of him?
Yvonne Ah, he got on my wick, Mammy. He was so full of himself, yeh know.
The doorbell rings.
Yvonne (as Briget starts to get up) Let someone else.
Briget (sitting back down) Yeah.
She takes the jigsaw piece from Yvonne, and tries it. It fits.
Briget I’ve been lookin’ for that bit for ages.
Yvonne Sorry.
Briget I’ll say tha’ much for your daddy when we were goin’ out with each other. He was never boring. He was sometimes drunk. An’ usually disgustin’, but he was never boring.
Yvonne Ah, Daddy’s great. All my friends think he’s great.
Briget’s look is very sceptical, but not too seriously so.
Yvonne They do. When we’re down there; when we go down there —We don’t go there much. We don’t really like it, —I hate it — but —
George (from offstage; cheerful) Will yis be makin’ tea in there?
Briget You’d never know.
George Well, we want some of it, righ’.
Briget (sardonic) Yes, Your Majesty.
George (gruff, for entertainment’s sake) Don’t start.
Features and Martin can be heard laughing, offstage.
Yvonne Annyway, when we hear people laughin’ an’ we turn round to see who it is it’s always Daddy tha’ made them laugh. Always, it is.
(Re the jigsaw piece in Briget’s hand.) Look it, it goes there.
Briget Get away! —He’s a great sense of humour alrigh’. I’ll never forget it; did I ever tell yeh? The first time he came to your nan’s and grandad’s for his tea. We were sittin’ there an’ he picked up one of your nan’s sandwiches, yeh know, an’ he tapped it on the table. ___Like that. An’ he asked her had she been hangin’ onto them since the last time I brought a fella home with me. He was only jokin’; but your nan! An’ then when I told her I was marryin’ him, a few weeks later only! Your grandad liked him though. He still does.
Yvonne Philo thinks he’s gorgeous.
Briget Jesus; God help her. —He was a fine thing though. Always very smart.
; Yvonne Yeah, she thinks he’s lovely. She says tha’ if you ever die—
Briget Jesus, Yvonne!! ___Tell Philo to feck off. Whoever she is. Yvonne Yeh know her. Yeh do. Kavanagh.
Briget Oh. —Well, if she’s annythin’ like her mother I’d better keep a close eye on George. She won’t wait till I die.
Yvonne Did yeh ever see the gear on Mrs. Kavanagh?
They laugh, bitchily; enjoying themselves.
Yvonne (standing up and putting on her jacket) Philo’s not like tha’; not really. She might be when she gets older though.
Yvonne picks up a stainless-steel pot from the worktop and looks at its side, trying to check her make-up.
Briget Are yeh goin’ to Saints tonight again?
Yvonne Ah yeah. It was gas the last time. A great bit o’ buzz. Come here, Mammy, you should come with us the next time. It’d be brilliant.
For a horrible second Yvonne thinks that Briget is going to accept the offer.
Briget —Ah, no.
Yvonne Ah; okay.
(Bending to get her handbag.) Me bag.
George enters; followed, a little bit sheepishly, by Features and Martin. It is pre-ulcer Martin, a more cheerful version.
George (just before the lads enter) Where’s the tea?
Briget (a bit curtly) That’s the kettle over there.
George glares at Briget. She deliberately doesn’t look at him.
George (in great public form; going to the kettle) Come on on on on in, lads. —Goin’ ou’, Yvonne?
Yvonne Yeah.
Martin There’s Briget.
Briget Ah, Martin. An’ Features; howyeh.
George (to Yvonne) Good girl. D’yeh need a few bob?
Yvonne Ah no. Thanks.
George (digging into his pocket for money; determined to be generous) Here. —Here.
Features Grand ol’ evenin’, Briget.
George (holding out a fiver) Just in case, wha’. You’d never know; yeh might meet a dark, handsome prince who’ll ask yeh for a lend of his bus fare home.
Yvonne (taking the fiver) He can walk. —Ah thanks.
Features Yvonne, you’re nearly lookin’ as nice as your mother.
Yvonne grins at Briget, then raises her eyes to heaven.
George (turning from the kettle) Hey, Features; I only said yeh could have a cup o’ tea.
They laugh, Briget a bit begrudgingly. George is making tea for them all.
Yvonne (exiting) See yis.
Briget Bye bye, love. Enjoy yourself.
George Bring us back a stick o’ rock, Yvonne.
(To Martin and Features.) She’s a good looker though, isn’t she?
They readily agree.
Martin (agreeing; nodding his head) Ah, now.
George She got your looks there, Briget. An’ mine. An exotic blend of the east and west.
Briget (who’s heard it many times before) Because I came from Finglas East an’ you came from Cabra West.
George That’s righ’.
Martin and Features laugh, and George laughs with them. Martin looks at Briget’s jigsaw work, and then at the jigsaw on the wall. During the short exchange below about Yvonne and money Martin and
Features laugh where they think they should, but at times look a bit embarrassed, as if they shouldn’t be listening.
Briget Have yeh anny more fivers to give away?
George Are yeh joking me!?
Briget You’re not to be givin’ her money, George. She earns good money herself.
George (beginning to get rattled, but aware of the lads) Ah Jaysis, Briget.
Briget Martin an’ Features must think we’re loaded. —You know; we were just talkin’ about it. I was married to you when I was her age.
George Well, she can’t marry me, so don’t begrudge the poor young one the odd fiver. (To Martin and Features.) Wha’.
They laugh, led by George.
Briget (mimicking George; just about hiding her annoyance) Wha’. —Wha’.
(To Features.) How’s Trudy, Features?
Features Tip-top, Briget. She’s in grand ol’ form. She —
George (good humoured, but insistent) Never mind abou’ Trudy. You’re here to talk tactics.
Briget is annoyed at the rudeness of the interruption, but becomes interested.
Martin (to Briget; nodding at George) NATO, wha’.
George (re the tea) Nearly ready here.
We’re gettin’ snared too often.
(After they agree with him.) Goin’ grand up to the last couple o’ rounds; sometimes leadin’: usually. Then —.
Words aren’t necessary.
Features (quite formally) Why do yeh think that is?
Martin We’re thick.
Only Martin and Briget laugh. Features smiles.
George How many sugars d’yeh want, Briget?
Briget (grinning sardonically) Guess.
She tries to share the humour of the situation with Martin but he looks away.
George (handing Briget a mug; re the sugar dispensing) Here sure. Yis can do it yourselves, can’t yis.
(Handing mugs to Martin and Features.) I think maybe we drink too much in the first half.
Martin That’s me arse, George. Listen; it’s because the questions get harder.
George Then our heads should be clearer for them.
Martin I think better with a few pints inside me.
Features I think —. This sounds stupid now. —In the last rounds ’specially, I just don’t know the answers.
George and Martin look at each other. George looks impatient.
Features (before George can interrupt; getting into his stride) An’ what’s more, I’ll never know them. There’s too much. George and Martin concede agreement.
Features I watch The News, all o’ them, an’ ‘Today Tonight’ and —I get the ol’ ‘Radio Times’ an’ that an’ I try to remember who plays who in ‘Neighbours’ an’ ‘Home and Away’, and —. I even went into Easons there an’ spent about an hour lookin’ at the names of who wrote the books. (Shaking his head.) But —.
Briget You should specialise.
(Almost apologetic.) Shouldn’t yeh?
George (after killing the urge to tell her to mind her own business) Wha’ d’yeh mean —, Briget?
Briget You should divide the things, the categories, out among yis an’ concentrate on them; each.
Martin (tentatively) Tha’ sounds —the business.
Features You mean, like Martin would be Sport an’ I’d be Books an’—
Briget (joking) Literature.
Martin Yeow, Features. Literature, wha’.
Martin and Features like the idea.
George (unwilling to be too enthusiastic) It might work alrigh’. Briget Course it’ll work.
Features Fair play to yeh, Briget.
Briget (modestly, but pleased) Ah—.
George (taking over the idea) Righ’; I’ll be, eh Places an’ (Getting excited.) We’ll knock the shite ou’ o’ them this time, wha’.
The doorbell rings. George stays put.
Briget (getting up and exiting) I’ll go.
The men are looking well pleased.
Martin (as Briget exits) Shite; fuck, I forgot. —Paddy said to get someone else for Monday.
George Wha!?
Martin The mammy-in-law’s gettin’ somethin’ done to her. George Shite on it annyway!
Martin —In Beaumont.
Features (remembering) Oh that’s right. She was on the waitin’ list for —
George (interrupting him) Well, we’re fucked now annyway. (Stressing the importance of Paddy.) Paddy —.
Features —I’d say Briget’d be good —
Martin begins to agree.
George (very deliberately ignoring and interrupting Features) Trudy’s brother, you were talkin’ abou’.
Features Gary.
George Get him.
Features Okay. Righto. I just thought —
George Gary. That�
��s his name?
Features Yes; Gary.
George An’ he has it between the ears?
Features Oh, he does alrigh’.
George He’ll do us.
(To Martin; good-humouredly insisting on his agreement.) Wha’.
Martin Ah yeah. Young blood.
George Fuck Paddy though.
Enter Briget.
George (cheerful again) Here, Briget. Look it.
(Taking a fiver from his pocket.) Righ‘, lads. This fiver, righ’, to the first one o’ yis tha’ can find ou’ where Briget’s hid the Jaffa Cakes.
George and Briget roar laughing. Martin and Features laugh, but they don’t really know why.
Lights fade.
SCENE FIVE—THE QUIZ
Groucho goes ‘La la laa—La la laa’.
It is about 9.00 pm; the middle of Round Four.
The teams are at their tables, conferring; huddled, running out of time. Yvonne’s team isn’t as huddled as the other two. Niamh is trying to be engrossed in the quiz, but she can’t help looking at Dermot and Yvonne. She’s worried, unsure. So is Dermot. Yvonne is a vision of innocence; with the odd glance to Lorraine. Lorraine is loving it. At some early stage Dermot puts his arm around Niamh: she lets him. Niamh gives Yvonne a look that could be described as modestly triumphant. Yvonne and Lorraine look at each other. While the teams confer, Leo puts a bottle of coke with a straw and a paper umbrella in it in front of Sandra, who is leaning against the counter, looking miserable.
Sandra (suspecting something at first) —Thanks.
Leo (very quietly) Ah, now.
Angela Silver.
Noel (contemptuously) No!
Angela (equally contemptuously) Wha’ then?
George Trigger?
Lorraine (remembering the answer) Aah! Jesus!
Gary (leaning over to George) Black Bess.