by Roddy Doyle
By now Briget is shaking her head, marvelling at George’s neck.
George (reasonably) Sure Jaysis, yeh don’t have to go at all, Briget. Which one o’ them is it for annyway?
Briget Gavin.
George Listen, they’re always the same. The nice ones will tell yeh he’s makin’ good progress an’ the bollixes will tell yeh he isn’t. So yeh might as well stay at home an’ watch a Doris Day picture on the telly. —Good luck.
Briget grins, resignedly.
George (on his way out) Oh, come here; I forgot this —.
He takes a small Toblerone from his jacket pocket and puts it in front of Briget.
Briget (a bit pleased) Aah.
George (exiting) See yeh later, righ’.
Exit George.
Briget Right, love.
(Picking up the Toblerone and her biro.) Where’s ‘Red-handed’ before I forget it?
Lights fade.
SCENE THREE - THE QUIZ
Groucho sings ‘La la laa — La la laa’.
It is about 8.45 pm. The third round of the quiz is over and the teams are waiting as Denis adds up the scores.
During Scene Three Briget does some quiet work around the Kitchen. She then leaves the stage for a while. She comes back, dressed differently, towards the end of the scene, with a jigsaw and a large piece of board. She starts to put the jigsaw together, and glues the pieces onto the board.
At the start of the scene Lorraine and Yvonne are at their table; Niamh is offstage, in the Ladies; Dermot is at the bar, and staying there until Niamh gets back from the Ladies. Noel and Tommy are at the bar, annoying Denis; Angela is in the Ladies; Bertie is in the Gents. Gary is at the bar; Features and Martin are at their table; George is offstage. Leo is filling glasses, opening bottles, quietly going ‘Now, Now, Now...’. Sandra is loading four pints of Guinness onto her tray. She picks up the tray a few times before she’s happy that she’s holding it properly. She also has difficulty taking her eyes off Dermot.
Noel D’yeh not think that’s a reasonable question, Denis?
Enter George from the wing.
George (to Noel; as he goes to his seat) Sit down ou’ o’ tha’.
Noel ignores him but Tommy gives him a quick glance. Denis ignores Noel, and continues to correct the answers and bring the scores up to date on the scoreboard. Totting up the scores is not Denis’s strongpoint. Noel nudges Tommy, who grins conspiratorially, but uneasily.
Noel Denis?
Features (to Martin) Ah, that’s shockin‘, Martin. I wouldn’t want one o’ them.
(To George, as he sits down.) Poor Martin has an ulcer, George.
Martin winces; then puts on what he hopes is a brave face.
George Wha’? —A real one?
Features (emphatically) Oh yeah. Shockin’, isn’t it? (Harmlessly; sympathetically.) Rather you than me, Martin.
George How did yeh get tha’?
Martin (after coughing) He —He said it might have somethin’ to do with stress.
George Stress!?
Martin nods. So does Features.
George What stress? You never gave a fuck about annythin’ in your life.
Martin (heart-broken) I know.
Yvonne and Lorraine are whispering about Niamh and Dermot. Lorraine bursts out laughing.
Lorraine Yeh dirty bitch, yeh, Yvonne.
She then realises how loudly she’s spoken, and looks around to see if anyone heard her. George’s table did, but they hardly notice.
Lorraine (laughing; embarrassed) Oh Jesus, I’m scarlet.
Noel I’m waitin’ for an answer, Denis.
Tommy Yeah.
George (over his shoulder) Sit down. —Don’t mind him, Denis.
Noel (to Dermot) Fuckin’ desperate, isn’t it?
Dermot (not wanting to offend) Eh, yeah. —Sure is.
Denis studiously ignores them. Dermot looks a bit lost and uncomfortable, and smiles at anyone who looks his way.
Sandra carries the tray very, very carefully to Bertie’s table. Noel gawks at her as she passes, then back at Denis. We hear her whimpering slightly as she lowers the tray onto the table. Dermot watches Sandra until he notices Yvonne and Lorraine looking at him, and he turns back to the bar.
Martin (sighing) That’s what he said annyway. The doctor.
George What the fuck would he know about it?
Martin An’ he said as well —
Gary (from the bar) Sorry, eh, Martin? They’ve no Ballygowan left. Will Tipperary do instead?
Martin (letting go; not loudly) Fuck the poxy Tipperary —!!
Features (patting Martin’s ,shoulder) Ah now.
(To Gary.) That’ll be grand, Gary. Good man.
Martin has his head down; breathing deeply. George looks around, a bit embarrassed. Features searches for his handkerchief, to give to
Martin. Sandra is now beside Tommy.
Sandra Six pounds an’ twenty.
Noel Bring them over here, will yeh.
Sandra Bring them yourself.
Leo (warningly) Now.
Sandra (guietly aping Leo as she gets Noel and Tommy’s pints) ‘Now’. Fuckin’ spa.
Yvonne She’s a snobby bitch.
Lorraine Shhh! He’ll hear yeh.
Yvonne I don’t care. She is.
(Aping Niamh.) ‘Dermot has classes on Mondays’. D’you remember when she used to go with Ju Ju Lips Redmond?
Lorraine Jesus!
Lorraine and Yvonne laugh, trying not to be too loud. Features offers Martin his handkerchief. Angela comes out of the Ladies.
Angela (to Noel and Tommy) Anny luck?
Noel raises his eyes to heaven. He’s not as good-humoured as he was at the beginning of the scene.
Tommy (to Denis) Fair’s fair, Denis.
Angela (about Denis) Ah, tha’ poor eejit needs a good ride, so he does.
(Sees her pint; sitting down.) An’ I need this. Thank you, . Sandra, love.
Denis is hurt and disgusted by Angela’s remark, but he still says nothing. Sandra is with Lorraine and Yvonne. Lorraine is whispering something to her. They laugh. Angela looks around as if she’d like someone to talk to. She watches what’s going on at George’s table.
Martin (pushing the handkerchief away) No. No, thanks. I wasn’t cryin’.
Features Oh, we know tha’.
Angela (curious) Is he alrigh’?
George (curtly) Yeah.
Features (more considerate) Yeah.
Gary is bringing the drinks to the table. George picks up the Tipperary bottle and reads the label. Tommy goes to the Gents.
George (while reading the label) Go to another doctor. Yeh’d never know.
(Picking up his pint; to Gary.) That answer, the one about the ozone layer. Brilliant.
Gary (pleased, despite himself) Eh, thanks.
(Modestly explaining:) I just saw it on —
George (interrupting him; insistent) No, praise where praise is due.
George looks around to see what’s keeping Denis. Gary feels more like one of the lads. Features is the proud brother-in-law.
Features (praising George) I’d never have been able to remember tha’ place, eh —
George (perfect pronunciation) Tiananmen Square; yeah. In Beijing.
Features Ah, very good.
Martin I knew tha’ one.
Gary It used to be called Peke —
George We know.
Features (explaining) George is our places an’ politics specialist, Gary.
George (sounding a tiny bit worried) Three rounds over annyway, wha’.
(Wishing it.) I reckon we’re ahead, d‘yeh know tha’.
(Looking over at Denis.) What’s keepin’ tha’ cunt? —Fuck Rosemary annyway.
Noel (angry, but with a sing-songy delivery) Den—nis, I’m waitin’ for an ans—wer.
Denis (holding up his black marker) If you don’t stop trying to influence me I’ll deduct three points from your overall score.
&n
bsp; Leo (quietly backing up Denis; as he works) Now.
George Good man, Denis.
(To his team; amused.) D’yis hear him?
Denis holds the marker over the scoreboard, waiting for Noel to go away.
Noel (across to George’s table) Hey; spell ‘Gadaffi’.
George No!
Noel (giving up; to Denis’s back) It’s not supposed to be a fuckin’ spellin’ test.
Denis (muttering) It’s not my fault if some people don’t know how to read or write.
Angela (to Noel) Ah, leave it. We’ll catch up.
George (quietly) Yeh will in your arses.
Noel sits down. Bertie comes out of the Gents, followed by Tommy. Tommy’s hands are still wet. Dermot is looking over Denis’s shoulder. Sandra is back at the bar, loading cocktails with little umbrellas in them onto the tray.
Bertie Hey, Leo, the smell in the jacks is Paraic Pearse. It’s mucho fuckin’ terrible.
Leo takes a bottle of Domestos from under the bar and offers it to Bertie.
Leo Now.
Bertie (laughs; then picks up the bottle) Care to name it for us? (Dr. Neil Butler impression.) It’s Vortex. (As Sandra goes by with the tray of cocktails.) Here, Signorita, stick some of this in them.
Sandra whines, afraid that she’s going to drop the tray; and exits, dashing.
Denis (to Dermot) Have you got a query?
Dermot No.
Denis Tha’ makes a nice change.
Tommy (sitting down; to Noel and Angela) The smell in the jacks is Paraic.
Noel (sardonically) Go ’way!
Angela Men’s piss is always smellier.
Martin (under his breath) She should know, wha’.
George has been testing Martin’s water.
George It’s very watery.
Martin It’s fuckin’ water!
George I know tha’ but —it’s more water than normal water —eh—
Martin It’s piss. I’m tellin’ yis, lads. If annyone ever offers yeh an ulcer don’t take it.
They laugh, and Martin tries to.
Gary (to Martin) Is it duodenal?
Martin —I think so, yeah.
George stares at Gary. Features, rubbing his hands, looks at George.
Features (pleased and proud) I told yeh.
Dermot (to Denis; pointing) That should be twelve.
Denis, changing the score, says a silent prayer. He then gets off his stool and heads for the Gents; stops, goes back and takes the question index cards, giving Dermot a suspicious glance. Then he goes into the Gents.
George Where’s he goin’ now? —Jesus, tonigh’.
(To Features.) ‘Of Mice An’ —’?
Features (answering quickly) John Steinbeck.
George (to Martin) FA Cup, nineteen fifty -
Martin Newcastle.
George (finishing the question) Eight.
Martin Eh, fuck —Bolton Wanderers.
George Yeh sure?
Martin (indignant) Yeåh, I am. —Seventh President of America?
George (as if the question is beneath him) Andrew Jackson.
(Looking anxiously at the Gents door.) Come on, come on, Denis.
(Contemptuous.) He’s prob‘ly washin’ his hands.
Niamh enters, and sees Dermot alone at the bar.
Niamh (affectionately) What’re you doing here? All on your own-io. Dermot I couldn’t remember what you wanted, so I —
Niamh Vodka, Dermot! Jesus, you can answer all those questions but yeh can’t remember what I drink.
Niamh goes to their table.
Yvonne She’s put on weight, hasn’t she?
Lorraine If you say so, Yvonne.
Yvonne Fuck off, Lorraine.
Niamh (coming towards them) Hiyis.
Yvonne Hiyeh, Niamh.
Lorraine sniggers. Yvonne kicks her. Leo enters, picking up empty glasses. Angela gives him a hand when he arrives at Bertie’s table.
Angela (while she helps Leo) She nearly ran over me with her fuckin’ shoppin’ trolley. Rosemary. She did; an’ she never even said sorry. In her tracksuit. Squashed into it, she was.
Bertie Si.
Angela I’m tellin’ yeh now, if she ever does it again I’ll make her wobble, so I will.
Bertie Oh, si.
Angela (admiring Leo’s perfectly ironed shirt) D’yeh iron your own shirts, Leo?
Leo Oh, I do —Now.
Leo goes up to the girls’ table. Denis comes out of the Gents. Sandra rushes onstage, grabs a cloth from the bar, and rushes offstage; looking hassled and furious. Dermot goes up to the girls’ table. Yvonne stares boldly at him when Niamh isn’t looking. Dermot tries to pretend that she doesn’t.
Angela (about Leo) God, I think he’s great.
Bertie Jaysis, Conchita, I’d buy an iron tomorrow meself if I thought it was worth me while.
Angela It’s a car-wash you need; the state of yeh.
They laugh.
Bertie (jokingly offering himself to Angela) I would give meself a good wash though. And iron me poncho.
Angela (good humouredly) Get lost, amigo.
Denis is a bit flustered; not convinced that he’s done his addition correctly.
Denis Right — eh —.
Noel (fancying his chances; to Angela) I iron me own stuff. Angela (coldly) Do yeh?
Tommy has been rolling up his trouser leg. He points to a mark. Denis Righ’ -.
Tommy See tha’, Bertie?
Bertie Si.
Tommy An iron did tha’.
Bertie Si?
Denis I am now —in a position to bring yis up to date with the overall scores after Round —Three.
George ‘Bout fuckin’ time.
Noel Fix.
Denis (trying to ignore them) An’ again, I’m sorry about the delay. But, like I said, I’m on me own tonight because Rosemary had to—eh—.
Bertie (to his team) I speet on Rosemary!
Denis Righ’. There are forty-six teams contestin’ so I won’t go through them all. (Attempting geniality.) We’d only be here all night. —I’ll just give yis the leaders. There are six teams with twelve points out of fifteen. They are —as follows: Table numbers 7, 23, 24, 31, 36 and 43.
Angela checks their team number on the table.
Noel (to Bertie) We should be fuckin’ thirteen.
Bertie Ees no problem, compadre.
Niamh One of them is Philo’s team.
Lorraine (peering out into the wing) Fuck off; are yeh serious? She was in the happy class; remember?
Denis There are four teams with thirteen points: Table numbers 1, 17, 29 and 37.
George ,Yeow.
(Chants.) G-A
G—A—D
A—F—F—I
George and Features Gadaffi!
Bertie hisses. Gary is embarrassed.
Angela (sardonically) Ha fuckin’ ha.
Denis One team is leadin’ by themselves at this point in the quiz. With fourteen points. An’ that’s very good. Table number 11.
George Cunts.
There is general agreement about George’s verdict. Bertie and George’s team look scornfully offstage, at Table 11.
Features It’s some goin’, all the same.
George (getting up) Ah, don’t start bein’ nice, for fuck sake. (Looking into the wing.) Fuckin’ Sinbad.
Sandra runs onstage, throws her tray onto the bar, and charges into the Ladies. When George sees her he tries to attract her attention.
George (seeing Sandra) Here—!
(Standing up.) I’ll give Leo the shout before Denis starts.
Denis Righ’. —Round Four.
Bertie Quick, Tommy, get us a few crisps.
Tommy gets up and collides with George on their way to the bar.
George (grabbing Tommy’s jumper) Here! I’m sick o’ you fuckin’ gettin’ in me way!
Bertie (out of his seat very quickly) Leave him alone, compadre. The girls scream very briefly. Leo is quickly on the sce
ne. He pulls George’s hand away from Tommy, slapping it twice until George releases his grip. The others half-stand, unsure; unwilling to get too involved. Yvonne stands up, ready to throw her coke bottle at anyone who touches George.
Leo (slapping George’s hand) Now —Now —.
In the Kitchen, Briget enters and starts to do the jigsaw.
Bertie (gently, but threatening) Sit down, George.
George (pointing at Tommy) He —
Bertie (exactly as before) Sit down, George.
George (hiding the fact that he is conceding defeat) I’m orderin’ me round, righ’.
Noel does a not-too-loud chicken impression. Angela shushes him.
Bertie Leo.
Leo Now, George?
George —A pint o’ Budweiser, two pints an’ a water.
George sits down, after trying to stare Tommy out of it without including Bertie in his stare. Bertie and Tommy sit down.
Features tries to get a look of reconciliation across to Bertie’s table but George stops him.
Denis (snottily) I think we’re ready to resume, ladies and gentlemen. Question Number One.
There is silence; all eyes down waiting for the question. Denis realises that he’s left his index cards in the Gents, and dashes off to get them; trying not to dash.
Noel Fuckin’ eejit.
The teams sit back a bit. Again Features tries to look across, but George won’t let him.
George ‘Satanic Verses’?
Features (reassuring George) Salman Ruuushdie, George.
They look at the Gents door, waiting for Denis to come out.
Noel (to Tommy, re George) You could have him ou’ anny day.
Tommy doesn’t look convinced. Bertie glares across at George’s team, through half-open eyelids.