Brownbread & War

by Roddy Doyle

  George (quietly elated) Ah, yes!

  (As he writes.) No —sweat.

  Denis Question Number Four —.

  Angela Put down Champion.

  Bertie (not really convinced) That sounds righ’.

  Bertie and George’s teams are still huddled. Bertie’s team looks doubtful; unhappy with their last answer.

  Tommy It’s not Champion.

  Angela (irritated) Wha’ is it then!?

  Bertie It’ll do, it’ll do.

  (Calling for reconciliation.) Compadres.

  Yvonne smiles at Niamh, and Niamh smiles back. Lorraine watches the other three. Features gives Gary the thumbs-up. Gary is pleased. Martin leans over, pats Gary’s shoulder; then winces. Features looks at Martin, concerned.

  Martin (courageously) I’m alrigh’.

  Denis Who played —?

  Tommy (quietly; regarding the last question) Maybe it was — Angela Shh!

  Denis Who played Miss Jones in the long runnin’, popular comedy series, ‘Rising Damp’?

  Angela Thank you, Denis!

  She takes the sheet from Bertie and the others watch her writing the answer. George’s team looks lost; although Features is sure the answer is in his head somewhere. Yvonne whispers the answer to Niamh.

  Niamh Are yeh sure, Yvonne?

  Yvonne (a bit put out) Yeah. I am.

  Yvonne raises her eyes to heaven, looking at Dermot; conspiring against Niamh as she writes the answer. Dermot looks away from

  Yvonne, and watches Niamh writing. Bertie hisses at George’s team, trying to put them off.

  George (ignoring Bertie; to Features; expecting the answer) Well? Features (especially to Gary) Trudy’d know this one.

  George That’s a great fuckin’ help, isn’t it!?

  (Closing his eyes; putting his fingers to his temples.) Are you there, Trudy? Can you hear me, Trudy?

  Then he glares at Features. The team thinks hard, Gary doing his bit with the rest of them. Sandra is collecting empty glasses from the tables. Noel makes a leering noise from the side of his mouth as she bends down at his table. Angela gives Noel a good dig.

  Sandra (To Angela) The state of’m.

  Leo goes into the Gents.

  Denis Question Number Five.

  Martin (giving up) Haven’t a fuckin’ breeze.

  George Fuck yeh; I had it there.

  Features (not really believing his answer) Wendy Craig.

  Denis Who is —?

  George (getting desperate) No! The skinny one —.

  Denis Who is the singer —

  Noel (sitting up) Here we go.

  Denis — with the internationally successful Norwegian Grouuup, A-ha?

  Bertie Ah here!

  Angela Ah Jaysis.

  George refuses to be amused. Sandra is taking up glasses at his table. George (wanting her to tell him the answer) Sandra?

  Sandra Wha’?

  George (looking around furtively) Who —?

  (Deciding not to ask her.) You’re alrigh’. Go on.

  Sandra Please yourself.

  Lorraine (good-humouredly annoyed) I do not like them, Yvonne; fuck off.

  Niamh joins in the fun, and Dermot.

  Noel (clicking his fingers) —It begins with a —

  Tommy Morton.

  Bertie (beginning to write) Si!

  George (to Gary, sneering) Are A-ha a commercial group?

  Gary Eh, yeah —.

  (Almost ashamed; leaning closer to George.) But I know the answer.

  George Good man. Ha ha!

  George (giving Features and Martin an order) Your woman from ‘Rising Damp’, righ’.

  Denis I require the surname and the christian name there.

  Noel Do yeh want his address an’ his fuckin’ phone number as well!

  George (objecting; to Denis) He’s Norwegian, for Jaysis sake!

  Denis I am sorry. I must have both names.

  Sandra, on her way back to the bar, laughs.

  Sandra (quietly) Yeh saps.

  Features That’s fair enough, really.

  George looks at him, but says nothing.

  Features (sort of defending himself) They don’t know it either. Martin Felicity somethin’.

  George Felicity Morton!?

  Martin No, yeh gobshite. ‘Risin’ Damp’.

  Denis (looking almost nervously at Sandra) Sandra will now collect your answers.

  George (getting desperate) Felicity wha’?

  (To Gary.) Morton wha’?

  Denis Remember to write your table numbers on the top. That’s very important.

  Sandra collects the answers very promptly.

  Bertie I’ll put Anderson; si?

  Noel (tortured) I know it!

  Angela (half under her breath) You know fuck all.

  Features Kendal?

  Martin De La Tour.

  George (relieved) Good man!

  He scribbles the answer.

  Sandra (to George) Give us your answers.

  George (to his team) Morton wha’?; come on; quick.

  (When no answer is forthcoming.) Fuck yis; you’re useless.

  Sandra grabs his sheet before he has time to fold it properly. She exits, to collect the answers from teams offstage. Leo comes out of the Gents, his face momentarily grim.

  Dermot Eh, we did well there.

  Niamh Yeah.

  Yvonne (enthusiastically agreeing; mocking) Yeah.

  Martin Fuck it.

  Features Wha’—?

  Martin Felicity De La Tour was in ‘The fuckin’ Good Life’. Features No. Tha’ was —

  George (hoping to God) She might’ve been in the both o’ them. She’d better’ve been.

  Tommy (very earnest) I’d say we got four there anyway.

  Noel (furious; thumping his knee) Morton, Morton, Morton, Noel!

  Angela My God almighty.

  Denis (to Sandra, offstage; through the mike) Sandra; have you collected all the answers yet?

  Sandra (offstage) Nearly. —Give us it! —Yeah.

  Denis (attempting cheerfulness) Righ’. I’ll put yis ou’ of your misery —.

  Noel Wha’? Are yeh goin’ to kill yourself?

  Denis (back to his normal self) Adam an’ Eve had three sons.

  All three teams look pleased, and relieved.

  Features I knew it couldn’t only’ve been two.

  Niamh (pointing at Dermot; chuffed) Dermot.

  Yvonne and Lorraine nod at each other, mock-gravely. Dermot tries to smile modestly, but then sees Yvonne’s expression.

  Denis The capital of Burma is Rangoon.

  George (to his team) Thank you, thank you.

  All three teams still look pleased. Sandra enters, stage-right, from behind the bar, with a pile of answer sheets which she throws in front of

  Denis.

  Sandra There.

  Denis Dick Turpin’s faithful horse was called —Black Bess.

  Noel Shite!

  George sneers across at Bertie’s table. Bertie hisses; takes out his ‘gun’ to see if it’s loaded and cocked,

  Denis Miss Jones was, of course, played by Frances De La Tour.

  George (to Martin) Yeh fuckin’ eejit, yeh.

  Martin Fuck off, you.

  Bertie’s team sneers across at George.

  George (to Denis; chancing his arm) De La Tour, Denis. De La Tour.

  Angela No way.

  Denis Frances De La Tour, George.

  George (turning away) Fuck yeh, Denis.

  Denis And A-ha’s singer is, of course, Morten —Harken.

  Bertie and George’s teams no longer look pleased. The girls are delighted. They cheer, and Dermot looks more relaxed.

  Yvonne Hey, Daddy. We got five ou’ of five.

  It takes George a second to force himself to be pleased for Yvonne.

  George Did yis? —Fair play to yis.

  (To his team; accusingly.) They got five.

  Denis (to Leo; indicating the answer
sheets; happily disgruntled) Will you look at this lot!

  Leo (sympathising) Oh, now.

  Noel (standing up; indicating the wing) There’s Sinbad over there. —With his sister. I’m impressed.

  Noel exits.

  Angela I don’t think she’ll be impressed. Unless she’s only ou’ for the day.

  George (to Features; accusingly) ‘Risin’ Damp’. That’s your department.

  Features No, George, no. It’s not a soap.

  George Well, it’s a series.

  Martin (defending Features, and explaining) Situation comedy. ____Paddy.

  George Fuck Paddy annyway. The sooner tha’ oul’ bitch snuffs it the better. (To Gary.) No offence, son. You’re doin’ great.

  Lorraine Sandra.

  Sandra unhappily goes to Lorraine’s table.

  Martin Sandra.

  Sandra Wait.

  Martin gets up, delicately; Features ready to assist.

  Martin (miserably) I can’t wait. I’m gummin’ for a Ballier. Same again, lads?

  Features (standing up) I’ll come with yeh.

  Bertie (giving Tommy money) Up yeh go, Tommy.

  Sandra (to Leo; Lorraine’s order) Pint o’ Heineken, three vodkas an’ only two cokes, an’ four packages of crisps.

  Niamh (very ‘cheerful’) Annyway, was it a good party?

  Yvonne (before Dermot can answer) Ah yeah, it was great. Wasn’t it, Dermot?

  Dermot (trying to make the answer sound acceptable to both women) Yeah, it was alright alrigh’.

  Niamh Were you at it as well, Lorraine?

  Lorraine No. —I heard it was brilliant though.

  Lorraine kicks Yvonne.

  Niamh (‘just’ curious) An’ were yis talkin’ to each other at it?

  Dermot Yeah, we —

  Yvonne Hardly. Just Howyreh and Seeyeh really, yeh know.

  She looks to Dermot for confirmation.

  Dermot (relieved, but trying not to look and sound it) Yeah.

  Niamh (also relieved) Oh. Ah yeah; sure yis hardly know —

  Yvonne An’ we had a dance.

  Dermot nearly passes out.

  Yvonne —A whole gang of us, yeh know. It was gas, wasn’t it?

  Dermot (noncommittal) Yeah. —I don’t really like dancing —that much.

  Niamh (agreeing) No.

  Yvonne (innocently surprised) Oh, do yeh not!?

  Sandra arrives with the tray. At the bar Martin and Features are watching Denis flying through the scores.

  Features Your hand’s a blur, Denis.

  Denis (responding to the praise; not looking up) When you’ve been in this game as long as I have —

  He looks up, sees Martin’s expression, and looks down.

  Gary (to George; drink is loosening him) I didn’t really have to repeat. I just —I don’t know —. I got six honours when I repeated and it was — (Clenching his fist to express his elation, drive and ambition;

  attempting modesty.) to Cos it’s quite an achievement when you think about it.

  George (trying to shake off his stunned expression) Fuck, yeah.

  George looks around for distraction. Gary is getting drunk.

  Gary (one of the lads) Hey, Martin. Are yeh brewin’ the fuckin’ stuff yourself?

  Martin (after a long stare) No.

  Features (to Martin) He’s a good bit younger than Trudy.

  (To Tommy.) How did yis do in tha’ one, Tommy?

  Tommy (looking around; uncomfortable) —Alrigh’.

  Features We could only manage three.

  Martin nudges him.

  Denis (appalled at the stupidity of one team’s answer; to himself) My God.

  Martin tries to read what appalled Denis, but Denis won’t let him. Sandra puts more glasses and bottles on her tray and carries them offstage, concentrating on not dropping anything. Tommy studies the pitch ‘n’ putt fixtures board. Leo, seeing that Sandra isn’t there, comes out from the bar, to bring Angela and Bertie their pints. Angela and Bertie have been talking about Angela’s husband.

  Angela I wouldn’t have him back now. Not if he got down an’ kissed me feet I wouldn’t.

  Bertie Si.

  Angela I would’ve. Even a couple of months ago I would’ve. Leo delivers their pints, and immediately heads back to the bar. Sandra runs back onstage.

  Angela (affectionately; grateful) Ah, Leo.

  Leo Ah now.

  Sandra (trying hard to remember the orders; to Leo) Two pints o’

  Guinness, a gin an’ a tonic an’ a Britvic 55; three pints o’

  Guinness an’ a Crested: a pint o’ Guinness, two pints o’

  Carlsberg an’ a West Coast Cooler.

  Tommy (turning from the fixtures list) Hey, Bertie —.

  Bertie indicates wordlessly that he’ll be with Tommy in a minute. George has turned away from Gary and is chatting quietly to

  Yvonne’s team. They burst out laughing. Gary plays the drums on the table.

  Angela Yeah. I hadn’t liked him for —oh, years really. But if he’d o’ come back I’d —I’d’ve let him hit me nearly. —Not now but. —Fuck’m.

  Bertie I never liked him.

  Angela (quite surprised) Did yeh not?

  Bertie No.

  Angela I thought —. I wouldn’t want anyone now. At home, yeh know.

  Bertie ‘Cept Leo maybe, wha’.

  Angela (fondly and humorously) Ah, yeah. He’d be grand.

  Bertie Yeh really like him, don’t yeh?

  Angela I do, yeah. I think he’s fuckin’ lovely.

  Bertie looks as if he wants a more detailed explanation. Sandra exits, with a tray-load.

  Angela I don’t know. He’s just —. He’s so — ; he’s always —. Reliable; that’s what he is. Workin’ away there, never whingin’. He’d make yeh feel secure, yeh know. —He irons his own shirts, for fuck sake.

  Bertie seems happy with that answer.

  Angela An’ if he ever tried to hit me I’d be able to beat the livin’ shite ou’ of him.

  They laugh. Sandra enters in a hurry, her tray empty. She starts piling more orders onto it.

  Sandra (calling out) A pint o’ Guinness an’ three Harvey Wallbangers.

  Features Some poor chap got stung there.

  He heads over to Tommy at the pitch ‘n’ putt fixtures board. At first Tommy looks as if he wants to escape.

  Martin (bringing George and Gary their drinks) Serves him righ’ for bringin’ his mot ou’ midweek.

  George gets up as Martin arrives. He raises his eyes to heaven, indicating Gary.

  Denis (still adding) Nearly there now.

  (Into the mike.) Sorry abou’ the delay, ladies an’ gentlemen. But I’m on me own tonight, so I’m having to do, everything here. We’ll be commencing again in a minute.

  Features Take your time, Denis.

  Gary (to Martin) Yoh, Martin. My main man.

  Martin (indicating pint of Budweiser he puts on the table) There. That’s yours.

  Martin goes back to the bar, getting away from Gary.

  Bertie George.

  George (coldly and cagily) —Wha’?

  Niamh (as George goes) Ah, he’s gas, isn’t he?

  Yvonne Yeah.

  (To Dermot.) Isn’t he, Dermot?

  Dermot (trying to be carelessly cheerful) Yeah. —I —eh, think I’d better get another pint, before the next round.

  Bertie (indicating the seat beside him) Come on; sit down, compadre. Come on.

  Dermot gets up and goes to the bar. Sandra exits, with a full tray.

  Dermot gets in her way.

  Sandra Watch it, will yeh!

  (Noticing that it is Dermot, who she likes.) Sorry.

  Gary softly sings a song from the indie charts, accompanying himself by drumming the table. Tommy and Features are engrossed in the fixtures board, arguing happily (‘He will not’, ‘He will so’ etc.).

  Tommy An’ come here, look who I’m playing the week after the week after next.


  George reluctantly sits down beside Bertie.

  George Wha’?

  Niamh gets up and goes to Dermot. Lorraine nudges Yvonne. Martin watches Denis at work.

  Lorraine She has put on weight.

  (After they snigger.) You’re a terrible cunt but, Yvonne..

  Bertie (after drinking a mouthful; keeping George waiting) Did youse get Black Bess?

  George (unwilling to give away information but afraid to cross Bertie) —Yeah.

  Bertie Fair play. Wha’ abou’ A-ha?

  George No.

  Bertie No, neither did we.

  (To Angela.) Sure we didn’t? ____Three?

  George Yeah.

  Bertie Same here. You’re still ahead. —But not for long, compadre.

  George. (trying to be at ease) We’ll fuckin’ see abou’ tha’,— compadre.

  Bertie (gently) Lay off Tommy, George, will yeh.

  George Ah now, listen —

  Bertie Shut up a minute. I’m askin’ yeh, righ’. Leave him alone.

  George (carefully) This has nothing to do with you, Bertie.

  Bertie (a little bit threatening) It does. He’s a friend o’ mine.

  George —It’s not me. He’s the one that keeps —

  Bertie He’s harmless, for fuck sake.

  Angela Course he is. He’s like a child.

  Bertie Si. —It’s not a fair fight, George.

  George (annoyed, worried; but flattered) Ah, I know. It’s just —. You’d be the same, Bertie, if you —

  Bertie How long have we been compadres, George?

  George is about to say ‘Years’.

  Bertie Many moons, righ’. Many fuckin’ moons.

  George Yeah.

  Bertie When this place was a field.

  George Yeah.

  Bertie (a nod indicating Yvonne) When young Yvonne there was still lodgin’ in Briget.

  George (smiling) Yeah. That’s goin’ back a bit.

  Bertie It fuckin’ is. I remember the day yis moved in.

  Angela Was tha’ before or after The Famine?