Home Goal and My Goal: Two Gay Footballers Stories

by H J Perry

  Liz looked shocked, and she put a comforting arm around Scott.

  Saying these things unleashed a surge of emotion. “I need to get out of here.” Tears began to well in Scott’s eyes. He hastily made for the door.

  “I’ll get our coats,” said Liz.

  “No. I'm gonna be no fun, Liz. You stay and say goodbye for me, please, tell people I just didn't feel too well.”

  “Wait outside for me. I’ll get the coats and say goodbye. You're my best friend and on New Year's Eve, I'd rather be with you than anybody else. At least we both understand what it's like to have a footballer for a boyfriend.”

  Scott waited outside for Liz. Happy for her to take as long as she wanted while he used the quiet time to think; the cool night air helped to clear his mind but the alcohol also helped feelings and ideas come to the surface that he normally kept buried.

  New Year’s Eve was always a time for resolutions and New Year's Day, a time for a fresh start. Jason wouldn’t be home from the away match until late. Plenty of time for Scott to clear out.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  January 2015

  Jason

  Mark’s car was already parked in the car park; Jason expected to be the first player at training. When he pulled up alongside Mark’s Audi R8, Jason had the second surprise of the morning; Mark was still sitting inside.

  Mark jumped out as soon as he saw Jason and made hand gestures to show he wanted to get on the passenger side. Jason flicked the button to unlock the doors and Mark slipped into the passenger seat.

  “Good morning,” said Jason. “What's up?”

  “I could ask you the same question.”

  “Too early for cryptic questions, mate.” Jason looked at Mark, who shifted uncomfortably in the seat not making eye contact but seemingly focused on a distant dog walker.

  “This shit doesn't come naturally. In fact, it's against my every instinct to be here.”

  Jason waited. Wondering what was coming next.

  “When were you going to tell us that you and Scott have split up?” Mark continued to stare ahead.

  Jason followed his gaze and decided the dog walker, throwing a stick, was easier on the eyes than watching Mark at this uncomfortable moment.

  “Why would I be telling you?”

  “Well, for fuck's sake Jason. Do you live in some sort of isolated cocoon? You guys have been together for years, how don't you think it's a big deal? It might explain why you’ve not been yourself. Your performance is off. You look like crap, and your attitude is crap. It just could help if we knew what was going on.”

  “You knew anyway.”

  “No. I didn’t.”

  Jason didn’t want to be drawn into this conversation but after a few minutes’ silence, he couldn’t resist asking. “You know now. How?”

  “Liz told me because she’s worried about you. She knew, but Scott asked her not to say anything. Told her she should let you tell me, but you haven’t said anything, and she’s worried.”

  Not speaking about it meant he didn’t have to believe it was real. He’d spent only one night in the house since Scott left, then he moved into a hotel to avoid confronting reality. Jason didn’t want to think about it now, either. “These things happen. I’ll get over it. Life moves on.”

  “If we'd have just known what was going on. You’d get more support from the team, Jase.”

  Jason took deep breaths. He couldn’t think about the gaping hole left in his life. A life that wasn’t worth living without the man who gave his life purpose. He couldn’t bear to think about Scott if he was going to function through the day. Jason looked away, out of his side window.

  “Have you talked to anybody about your breakup? Does the captain know or the manager?”

  “My private life, Mark, is private.” Jason heard the strain in his voice. He couldn’t talk about this even if he wanted to, which he didn’t. “This is work; that's all. I have no need to tell people at work about what goes on at home.”

  “It’s affecting you as a player. Lots of couples split up, but we're not just work colleagues, on the team you have friends.”

  Jason knew he couldn’t talk about it; he couldn’t look at Mark. He could only sit looking away. The tears that had welled in his eyes broke free and flowed down his cheeks. A trickle, at first, but Jason knew there were so many more to follow. He’d cried so often this year, always alone.

  “You know I got your back. If you need anything, Jase.”

  Jason hoped that signaled the end of this man-talk. He put his hands to his face to wipe away the tears. How was he going to get out of this car and pull himself together? And plug the leaking eyes? He sniffed, way louder than intended.

  “Jase, talk to me. What is happening with you? Why have you let him get away? Shall we round up a posse to track him down and bring him back to you?”

  Jason smiled at Mark’s well-meaning comments. “He couldn’t bear the thought of attending your wedding with me and pretending we weren’t together at the same time.”

  “What the? So it’s my fault!”

  “Yep, of course, it’s your fault,” Jason joked and turned to face the front. It didn’t matter if this teammate saw him crying.

  “I have to say, Jason, it is a big shock. I've never met such perfect couple as you two. You didn't seem to have any problems. Half the guys on the team have blazing rows and challenges with their other half, and I thought perhaps it was because you two were two blokes that you seem to get on better. Like you understand each other. You were the perfect advert for gay relationships. I thought you’d get married.”

  The lump in Jason’s throat prevented him from saying that he thought so too.

  “Was there someone else?”

  “No. He left a few weeks ago; it was his choice. I didn't want him to go, but he couldn’t face another year living the life we live.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It’s not a normal life.” Jason had no wish to elaborate on how it felt to be a closeted gay Premiership football player or the boyfriend of one. That was too big a conversation. He understood why Scott couldn’t take it anymore. Jason regretted not doing something to change their situation in time to prevent this disaster.

  “I told you I’m not equipped for these conversations. I’ve a few different sentences; you can just listen to whichever one best fits.” Mark paused, apparently waiting for an answer. “Ready?”

  Jason wiped more tears on his hands. “Ready.”

  “There are plenty more fish in the sea. And, we’ll take you out to a strip club and get you laid, that’ll be an interesting challenge for the team.”

  The thought of the team watching male strippers in a gay club brought a brief smile to Jason’s face.

  “If you want, we can plot to get him back, whatever it takes. I can’t say anything bad about Scott because I like him, and Liz adores him.”

  Jason felt the emotion welling within again.

  “We’d better get changed.” Mark opened the car door. “Come in when you’re ready. And anything you need, I’m your man.”

  “Okay, thanks.” Jason turned on the radio, making it clear he wasn’t going in immediately with Mark. He needed some time alone.

  Mark disappeared into the training ground on his own. The longer he sat there, the more certain Jason became that he could not face his teammates or anyone else. Not confronting it, not speaking about it, he had buried his feelings. But now raw emotion was tearing him up inside.

  Jason hadn't told anybody, not his parents or his brothers, never mind his teammates. Scott hadn't asked for anything revolutionary; he just wanted to be able to acknowledge he had a boyfriend. And engage in the normal public behavior that the vast majority of people took for granted. Jason had made a decision to sacrifice PDA in return for an enviable football career without any problem when he was single. But in love, this sacrifice was wrong and too much to expect. Jason discovered too late that his relationship with Scott was worth mor
e than the football. And trying to keep both resulted in this heartbreaking disaster.

  Broken hearted. There was no way Jason could face training. At that moment, he wasn’t even sure he’d ever put his feet in football boots again.

  Jason pulled out his phone, found Mark on his contact list, and tapped out the message:

  “I'm bunking off today might throw a sickie.”

  The phone buzzed back quickly:

  “I never saw you. Go quickly before anyone else does.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  March 2015

  Scott

  “How is this all turning out for you?” Liz wandered through the central London apartment as if viewing it to buy, opening doors, looking into every room and cupboard. “Nice place you’ve got here.”

  “Well, a guy needs a place to live if he’s going to make a new life.” Scott had no idea how Liz would behave, seeing him for the first time in months. It could get worse.

  “I can imagine.” Liz’s tone was cool. She opened the door from the kitchen that led out onto the terrace and then turned to face him. “Correction. No, I can’t imagine because you could go back to college, finish your doctorate, and make a career for yourself in science or engineering. You haven’t stopped having a brilliant mind over the last few years. Although maybe you have because leaving Jason wasn’t the cleverest thing to do.”

  “Don’t hold back, say what you think.”

  She stepped out onto the terrace, so Scott followed her.

  “It was damn stupid to leave him, but it’s your life, not mine.” She looked out over the Soho rooftops. “Spectacular.”

  The terrace was a large area with plants and outdoor furniture; it wrapped around the penthouse in an L shape. This precious, private outdoor space was rare in the capital and was only available for a hefty premium rent.

  “Maybe I’ll complete my Ph.D. I don’t know what I want to do. I’m finding myself at the moment.”

  The March sun was bright and warm on his skin.

  “Finding yourself? Working in a bar in central London? Don’t people think it a little strange you can afford this nice apartment on the wages of a bartender?”

  “To be honest, Liz, I haven’t brought anyone back to this apartment. You and my parents are the only guests who’ve ever visited.”

  “Wait, what? Please tell me who you are. What have you done with Scott?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The Scott I used to know brought a new man home every week, before spending three years with the man of his dreams.” She sat down on the bench.

  “They were happy days. But I’m not the same man.” Scott sat down next to her.

  “I miss those days myself, flirting, the excitement of the chase,” Liz confessed.

  “What, aren’t you happy with Mark?”

  “Oh no, I’m sticking with Mark, but I remember what it was like, fun. Is the single life as good as I remember?”

  “I’m not ready for any of that, Liz. I’m not that same guy. I had to get away from Jason.”

  They sat in silence. Scott wondered if he should offer his guest a drink or suggest they go out to explore the neighborhood. Liz would speak up if she wanted anything. His thoughts meandered back to the issues that he turned over every day.

  “I felt lost in that relationship. I didn’t know who I was anymore because on a day-to-day basis what he did for his job determined our life. But now I’ve left him; I know I’m not the same person I was before I met him.” Scott bit his lip and looked away. “I miss him, Liz, really miss him.” His voice cracked a little. “I’ve missed you too, Liz. I could do with you full-time in my life.”

  “I am full-time in your life, Scott. Just at the end of the many forms of telecommunications we have available at our fingertips twenty-four seven, so don’t forget that, even if I’m a hundred miles away. And even if I don’t approve of all your decisions.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I am cross that you left him. I think you’re crazy. But I’m still your friend.” They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, soaking up some of the first sunshine of the year. “This is fabulous.”

  “You could live in a place like this too, if you ever split up with a footballer, and take a chunk of his money.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” Liz giggled, and Scott knew she took his comment in the light-hearted way it was intended.

  “I wanted to walk away with nothing, but I couldn’t afford to. I’d worked for him for a couple of years, so I did have my own money.”

  “I know, you don’t have to justify yourself to me.”

  “I feel guilty. I don’t want anyone to think leaving him was easy or I took half his wealth because none of that is true.”

  “If he’d take you back would you go? In fact, do you still love him? Is there any chance you’d get back together?”

  “Liz! I wouldn’t have invited you here if I’d known you’d come to ask those questions.”

  “You’re a liar, Scott. You knew damn well I’d be asking difficult questions. You’ve been gone more than two months without getting in touch, and I’m guessing that’s because you didn’t want to talk to me about any of it. Now, you invited me here because you’ve got answers ready.”

  “Liz, how are you so clever?”

  Liz grinned at him. “You always knew that. Now, back to my question. You and Jason, if it were possible, would you? Or are you definitely over him and looking for his replacement?”

  “No regrets. I’m glad I did this, Liz, because I needed to find myself again. But now I have done it, I’d get back with him in an instant, if it were possible. I had to leave him at the time. I couldn’t stay with him and stay sane. Does that make sense? I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is. I think it’s probably too late to get back together. And I know how to make that happen. How is he doing, Liz?”

  “Why do you think I’d know?” Liz shut her eyes, and her head fell back slightly.

  “You’re marrying Mark, and he sees him.”

  “You will see each other at the wedding. You’ve no choice but to come, and he is Mark’s best man. You’ll be my best man.”

  “But when is this wedding?” Scott hoped it wasn’t soon, preferably not for a decade. He couldn’t face it this year.

  Liz chuckled. “We’re in no hurry. I’m busy, so I don’t even know what year it will be.”

  Scott felt relieved.

  “And you asked how Jason’s doing? Do you want the truth?”

  Scott braced himself, expecting to hear that Jason was doing just fine and perhaps had a new boyfriend. The truth, the painful truth.

  “Yes,” he nodded.

  “Jase moved in with us. He couldn’t bear spending time in his house. And we were glad he agreed to stay with us because we were so worried about him. We’ve kept a close eye on him.”

  Scott watched Liz, but she didn’t look at him. Her eyes stayed shut.

  “It hit him really hard, Scott, really hard. I thought you’d talked with him but it seems you leaving was a big shock to him. It broke him. He fell apart, Scott. They even left him out of the team for a few games, and he’s spent most of the time on the reserve bench.”

  Scott didn’t expect this. And since leaving he’d avoided sports news even though he’d been tempted.

  “He’s not over you, and he won’t talk about it. Scott, I’ve never seen anybody who looks so miserable, like life isn’t worth living anymore.”

  Liz could have berated Scott, and he could laugh it off, but sorrow and nausea competed for control over his body when she spoke about Jason in this way.

  “I thought you’d talked to him, but obviously you didn’t, not properly, otherwise it wouldn’t have come as such a shock to him. And he’d have given up football for you if you’d have asked. It’s about the only thing he’s said to me about how he feels.”

  Enough. Scott wanted Liz to shut up; he’d heard enough.

  “You’
ve picked yourself up and tried to start a new life here even if it’s not going as well as you might like it to. But what you don’t realize, Scott, is he didn’t live for football. Football is his job. He lived for you, and when you left, he was devastated.”

  “I had no idea.” It hadn’t occurred to Scott that Jason could be as upset as him over the breakup, if not more. He thought Jason still had his first love, his career.

  “It’s over. There’s in point on dwelling in the past; I’m here, and I need to go shopping. Shops and lunch, when you’re ready, Scott.”

  Scott stood up sharply. “Wait there. I’ll be a minute.” What the fuck was Liz thinking? How could she say all that, churning up his emotions and then expect him to waltz along Brewer Street as if it were just another day?

  He walked inside and went into his bedroom, shut the door behind him and collapsed on to the bed, burying his face in his pillow.

  They’d lived together for more than two years so why had he fooled himself into believing Jason didn’t care? Liz made Scott face his own irrational thinking.

  No regrets. That was a lie. The more time passed, the more Scott knew he’d made a mistake. Leaving Jason was a big mistake, and he’d never love another man like that.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  March 2015

  Jason

  Mark refused to take no for an answer. They weren’t traveling home on the coach with the majority of the team straight after the match or hitting the town with the lads who were staying on in London.

  “You need to get out, meet other gay guys. I’ll be your wingman tonight. I’ve booked us a hotel in central London and researched the gay areas.” Mark had been insistent about this night out since earlier in the week.

  “No way.” Jason never went to gay areas or gay bars, why start now? There was no way Jason was going to pick up a man in a gay bar. He’d rather give up on sex altogether. “I know you mean well but I’m not ready to meet someone new. I like being single.”