This Heart Of Mine

by Susan Elizabeth Philips

  “Not this again.”

  “Really, I think you should follow him—”

  “I don’t care what you say. He does not look like a serial killer!” He yanked off his sodden T-shirt.

  “I’m very intuitive, and he has shifty eyes.”

  “I think you’ve lost your mind,” he muttered. “I really do. And I have no idea how I’m going to explain that to your sister—a woman who happens to be my boss.”

  “You worry too much.”

  He spun on her. She saw fire in those green eyes and knew she’d pushed him too far.

  “You listen to me, Molly! Fun and games are over. I’ve got better things to do than waste my time like this.”

  “This isn’t a waste of time. It’s—”

  “I’m not going to be your pal! Can you understand that? You want our relationship to stay out of the bedroom? Fine. That’s your prerogative. But don’t expect me to be your buddy. From now on you entertain yourself and stay the hell away from me!”

  She watched him stomp off. Even though she probably deserved a little of his anger, she still felt disappointed with him.

  Summer camp was supposed to be fun, but Daphne was sad. Ever since she’d capsized their canoe, Benny had been mad at her. Now he didn’t ask her to spin around in circles until they got dizzy. He didn’t notice that she’d painted each of her toenails a different color so they looked like they’d been dipped in a puddle of rainbows. He didn’t squish his nose and stick out his tongue to get her attention or burp really loud. Instead, she saw him making stupid faces at Cicely, a bunny from Berlin, who gave him chocolate rabbits and had no flair for fashion.

  Molly set aside her notebook and made her way to the sitting room, taking along the newest box of Say Fudge. She dumped it into a milk-glass bowl that still held crumbs from yesterday’s fudge. It had been four days since she’d overturned the canoe, and each morning since then she’d found a fresh box sitting on the kitchen counter in the cottage. It sure eliminated any mystery about where Kevin had been the night before. Slytherin!

  He’d done everything possible to get away from her except the one thing he should do—move back into the B&B. But his aversion to being around Lilly was worse than his aversion to being around her. Not that it mattered much, since they were hardly ever in the cottage at the same time.

  Depressed, she shoved a piece of fudge into her mouth. It was Saturday, and the B&B was full for the weekend. She wandered into the foyer and straightened the pile of brochures on the hall console. The job ad had appeared in the paper, and Kevin had spent the morning interviewing the two best candidates, while Molly had shown the B&B guests to their rooms and helped Troy with the new cottage rentals. Now it was early afternoon, and she needed a writing break.

  She stepped onto the front porch and saw Lilly kneeling in the shade at the side of the front yard, planting the last of the pink and lavender impatiens she’d bought to go in the empty beds. Even wearing gardening gloves and kneeling in the grass, she managed to look glamorous. Molly didn’t bother reminding her she was a guest. She’d tried that a few days ago when Lilly had appeared with a trunk full of annuals. Lilly had said she enjoyed gardening, that it relaxed her, and Molly had to agree that she appeared less tense, even though Kevin continued to ignore her.

  As Molly reached the bottom of the stairs, Marmie lifted her head and blinked her big golden eyes. Since Roo was safely inside with Amy, the cat rose and walked over to rub against Molly’s ankles. Although Molly wasn’t a cat person like Kevin, Marmie was a winning feline, and the two of them had developed a distant fondness. She loved to be held, and Molly bent down to pick her up.

  Lilly gave the earth around the seedling a sharp little slap. “I wish you wouldn’t encourage Liam to keep showing up for breakfast every morning.”

  “I like him.” And you do, too, Molly thought.

  “I don’t know how you could. He’s rude, arrogant, and egotistical.”

  “Also amusing, intelligent, and very sexy.”

  “I hadn’t noticed.”

  “I believe you.”

  Lilly lifted a diva’s eyebrow at her, but Molly wasn’t intimidated. Lately, Lilly sometimes seemed to forget Molly was the enemy. Maybe the sight of her working around the B&B didn’t fit the actress’s image of a spoiled football heiress. Molly thought about confronting her again as she’d done in the herb garden over a week ago, but she didn’t feel like defending herself.

  Each morning, Liam Jenner appeared in the kitchen to have breakfast with Lilly. They bickered while they ate, but they seemed to argue more to prolong their time together than for any other reason. When they weren’t bickering, their conversations ranged from art and their travels to their observations about human nature. They had everything in common, and it was obvious they were attracted. Just as obvious that Lilly was fighting it.

  Molly learned that Lilly had been to his house once and that he’d started a portrait of her, but Lilly refused his repeated requests to return and sit for him. Molly wondered what had happened at the house that day.

  She carried Marmie over to the shade of a big linden tree near where Lilly was planting. Just to be perverse, she said, “I’ll bet he looks great naked.”

  “Molly!”

  Molly’s devilry faded as she saw Kevin jogging toward the Common from the highway. As soon as he’d finished his interviews, he’d changed into a T-shirt and his gray athletic shorts, then taken off. Even when they served breakfast together, he barely spoke to her. As Amy felt duty-bound to point out, he spent more time talking to Charlotte Long than he spent talking to Molly.

  All week he’d been killing Lilly with cool politeness, and Lilly had been letting him get away with it. Now, however, she jabbed her trowel in the ground. “You know, Molly, I’ve just about run out of patience with your husband.”

  That made two of them.

  Molly watched as he slowed to cool off. He bent his head and rested the palms of his hands on the small of his back. Marmie spotted him and stirred in her arms. Molly gazed at the cat resentfully. She was jealous. Jealous of Kevin’s affection for a cat. She remembered the way he stroked Marmie’s fur, those long fingers sinking deep… sliding down her spine… It gave Molly goose bumps.

  She realized she was blindly, utterly furious with him! She hated the fact that he’d spent the morning interviewing strangers to take over the campground. And what right did he have to act as if they had a genuine friendship, then dismiss her just because she’d refused to go to bed with him? He might pretend he was angry because of the incident with the canoe, but both of them knew that was a lie.

  Impulsively, she turned around and set the cat against the trunk of the linden tree they’d been standing beneath. A squirrel stirred in the branches above. Marmie flicked her tail and began to climb.

  Lilly caught the action out of the corner of her eye and spun around. “What are you—”

  “You’re not the only one running out of patience!” Molly glanced up to see Marmie scramble higher. Then she called out. “Kevin!”

  He looked over.

  “We need your help! It’s Marmie!”

  He picked up his stride and hurried toward them. “What’s wrong with her?”

  She pointed into the linden tree, where Marmie had climbed out on a branch high above the ground. The cat yowled her displeasure as the squirrel scampered from sight.

  “She’s stuck and we can’t get her down. The poor thing is terrified.”

  Lilly rolled her eyes, but she didn’t say anything.

  Kevin gazed up into the tree. “Hey, girl. Come on down.” He extended his arms. “Come here.”

  “We’ve been doing that for ages.” Molly eyed his sweat-soaked T-shirt and running shorts. The hair on his bare legs was matted. How could he still look so gorgeous? “I’m afraid you’ll have to climb up after her.” She paused. “Unless you want me to do it.”

  “Of course not.” He grabbed one of the lower branches and pulled himself up. />
  She couldn’t quite contain her relish. “Your legs are going to get ripped to shreds.”

  He shimmied higher.

  “If you slip, you could break your passing arm. This might end your whole career.”

  He was disappearing into the branches now, and she raised her voice. “Please come down! It’s too dangerous.”

  “You’re making more noise than the cat!”

  “Let me get Troy.”

  “Great idea. The last time I saw him, he was down at the dock. And take your time.”

  “Do you think there are any tree snakes up there?”

  “I don’t know, but I’ll bet you can find some in the woods. Go look.” The branches rustled. “Come here, Marmie. Here, girl.”

  The limb where the yowling cat crouched was fairly thick, but he was a large man. What if it snapped and he really did injure himself? For the first time Molly’s warning was genuine. “Don’t climb out on that, Kevin. You’re too big.”

  “Would you be quiet!”

  Molly held her breath as he threw his leg over the limb about eight feet from where Marmie crouched. He scooted forward, making soothing noises to the cat. He’d just about reached her when Marmie stuck her nose in the air, hopped delicately to a lower branch, then proceeded to pick her way down the tree.

  Molly watched in disgust as the traitorous cat reached the ground, then shot toward Lilly, who scooped her up and gave Molly a pointed look. She didn’t say anything to Kevin, however, who was climbing back down.

  “How long did you tell me she was stuck up there?” he asked as he dropped.

  “It’s, uh, tough to keep track of time when you’re terrified.”

  He studied Molly, his expression suspicious, then bent to examine a nasty scrape on the inside of his calf.

  “I’ve got some ointment in the kitchen,” she said.

  Lilly stepped forward. “I’ll get it.”

  “Don’t do me any favors,” Kevin snapped.

  Lilly clenched her teeth. “You know, I’m getting really sick of your attitude. And I’m tired of biding my time. We’re going to talk right now.” She set down the cat.

  Kevin was taken aback. He’d grown accustomed to the way she hadn’t pressed him, and he didn’t seem to know how to respond.

  She jabbed her finger toward the side of the house. “We’ve postponed this long enough. Follow me! Or maybe you don’t have the guts.”

  She’d waved a red flag in his face, and Kevin was quick to respond. “We’ll see who has guts,” he growled.

  Lilly charged toward the woods.

  Molly wanted to applaud, but she was glad she didn’t because Lilly spun around to glare at her. “Don’t touch my cat!”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Lilly and Kevin headed off together.

  Lilly heard the sounds of Kevin’s footsteps rustling in the pine needles strewn over the path. At least he was following her. Three decades of guilt began to snuff out the temper that had finally given her the courage to force this confrontation. She was so sick of that guilt. All it had done was paralyze her, and she couldn’t stand it any longer. Liam tormented her by appearing every morning for a breakfast she never felt like eating but couldn’t seem to avoid. Molly wouldn’t fit into the pigeonhole Lilly had assigned her. Kevin looked at her as if she were his worst enemy. It was too much. In the distance ahead, the trees gave way to the lake. She marched toward it, silently daring him not to follow. When she couldn’t stand it any longer, she turned to confront him, not knowing until she spoke what she was going to say.

  “I won’t apologize for giving you up!”

  “Why am I not surprised?”

  “Sneer all you want, but have you once asked yourself where you’d be today if I’d kept you? What chance do you think you’d have had living in a roach-infested apartment with an immature teenager who had big dreams and no idea how to make them come true?”

  “No chance at all,” he said stonily. “You did the right thing.”

  “You’re damn right I did. I made sure you had two parents who doted on you from the day you were born. I made sure you lived in a nice house where there was plenty to eat and a backyard to play in.”

  He gazed out at the lake, looking bored. “I’m not arguing. Are you about done with this, because I have things to do.”

  “Don’t you understand? I couldn’t come to see you!”

  “It’s not important.”

  She started to move closer, then stopped herself. “Yes, it is. And I know that’s why you hate me so much. Not because I gave you away, but because I never answered your letters begging me to come to see you.”

  “I hardly remember. I was—what—six years old? You think something like that is still bothering me?” His air of studied indifference developed a bitter edge. “I don’t hate you, Lilly. I don’t care that much.”

  “I still have those letters. Every one you wrote. And they’re soaked with more tears than you can imagine.”

  “You’re breakin’ my heart.”

  “Don’t you understand? There was nothing I wanted to do more, but it wasn’t allowed.”

  “This I’ve got to hear.”

  She finally had his attention. He came closer and stopped near the base of an old gnarled oak.

  “You weren’t six. The letters started when you were seven. The first was printed in block letters on yellow lined paper. I still have it.” She’d read it so many times the paper had grown limp.

  Dear Ant Lilly,

  I know your my real mom and I love you very much. Could you come see me. I have a cat. His name is Spike. He is 7 to.

  Love,

  Kevin

  Please don’t tell my mom I wrote this leter. She mite cry.

  “You wrote me eighteen letters over four years.”

  “I really don’t remember.”

  She risked taking a few steps toward him. “Maida and I had an agreement.”

  “What kind of agreement?”

  “I didn’t give you to them casually. You can’t believe that. We talked everything through. And I made long lists.” She realized she was twisting her hands, and she let them fall to her sides. “They had to promise never to spank you, not that they would have anyway. I told them they couldn’t criticize your music when you got to be a teenager, and they had to let you wear your hair however you wanted. Remember, I’d just turned eighteen.” She gave him a rueful smile. “I even tried to make them promise to buy you a red convertible for your sixteenth birthday, but they wisely refused.”

  For the first time he smiled back at her. The movement was small, the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth, but at least it was there.

  She blinked, determined to get through this without shedding a tear. “One thing I didn’t back down on, though—I made them promise to always let you follow your dreams, even if they weren’t the same dreams they had for you.”

  He cocked his head, all pretense of indifference gone.

  “They hated letting you play football. They were so terrified that you’d get hurt. But I held them to their promise, and they never tried to stop you.” She could no longer meet his eyes. “All I had to do was give them one thing in exchange…”

  She heard him move closer, and she looked up to see him step into a narrow shaft of sunlight.

  “What was that?”

  She could hear in his voice that he already knew. “I had to agree never to see you.”

  She couldn’t look at him, and she bit her lip. “Open adoption didn’t exist then, or if it did, I didn’t know about it. They explained to me how easily confused children can get, and I believed them. They agreed to tell you who your birth mother was as soon as you were old enough to understand, and they sent me a hundred pictures over the years, but I could never visit you. As long as Maida and John were alive, you were to have just one mother.”

  “You broke your promise once.” His lips barely moved. “When I was sixteen.”

  “It was an accident.”
She wandered toward a boulder protruding from the sandy soil. “When you started playing high school football, I realized I finally had a chance to see you without breaking my promise. I started flying into Grand Rapids on Fridays to watch the games. I’d strip off my makeup and wrap this old scarf around my head, put on nondescript clothes so no one would recognize me. Then I’d sit in the visitors’ stands. I had this little pair of opera glasses I’d train on you for the whole game. I lived for the times you’d take off your helmet. You’ll never know how much I grew to hate that thing.”

  The day was warm, but she felt chilled, and she rubbed her arms. “Everything went fine until you were a junior. It was the last game of the season, and I knew it would be nearly a year before I could see you again. I convinced myself there wouldn’t be any harm in driving by the house.”

  “I was mowing the grass in the front yard.”

  She nodded. “It was one of those Indian summer days, and you were sweaty, just like you are now. I was so busy looking at you that I didn’t see your neighbor’s car parked on the street.”

  “You scraped the side.”

  “And you came running over to help.” She hugged herself. “When you realized who I was, you looked at me like you hated me.”

  “I couldn’t believe it was you.”

  “Maida never confronted me about it, so I knew you hadn’t told them.” She tried to read his expression, but he wasn’t giving anything away. He nudged aside a fallen branch with the toe of his running shoe.

  “She died a year ago. Why did you wait until now to tell me all this?”

  She stared at him and shook her head. “How many times did I call and try to talk to you? You refused, Kevin. Every time.”

  He gazed at her. “They should have told me they wouldn’t let you see me.”

  “Did you ever ask them about it?”

  He shrugged, and she knew he hadn’t.

  “I think John might have said something, but Maida would never have allowed it. We talked about it over the phone. You have to remember that she was older than all your friends’ mothers, and she knew she wasn’t one of those fun moms every kid wants. It made her insecure. Besides, you were a headstrong kid. Do you really think you’d have shrugged it off and gone about your business if you’d known how much I wanted to see you?”