Lead Him Not Into Temptation (Redemption Book 2)

by Steinbrunn, M. L.

  “And what would that be?” she questions.

  “A family,” I murmur in her ear. She smiles so bright and luminous it melts me. I want nothing more than to look at her smile every day for the rest of my life. I only hope I still get the chance after Jen finds out what I’ve done.

  “Let’s go celebrate! Beers on me tonight,” Royce shouts, earning cheers from everyone.

  “Thanks, man, but I have some people waiting for me,” I tell him, declining his offer. Jen looks at me confused and I give her a reassuring smile. I glance over at Campbell and her tight-lipped smile does nothing to ease my nerves. I have never been so unsure of anything in my life.

  “I’m going to stay behind and finish some things here. Text me where you guys decide to go and I’ll meet you there,” she tells Royce. I know she has nothing to finish. She’s staying for moral support in case my plan goes south. Whether she’s there to comfort me or calm Jen, I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad she’s willing to stick around.

  They agree and head out the backdoor, leaving Campbell, Jen, and me alone. “I’ll be around, Casen, if you need anything,” Campbell offers and returns to the front of the bar.

  “I’m starting to feel uneasy, Casen. What in the hell is going on?” Jen asks. She’s looking around, searching for clues as to what I have in store.

  I grab her hand, weaving her fingers in mine and kiss her knuckles before tucking them into my chest. “I need you to follow me, but first I need to tell you something.”

  “You’re freaking me out. What in the hell is going on?” She takes a step away from me, but I pull her back into my embrace.

  “I want you to know I love you, and what I’ve done, I did because I love you. I know this is the first time I’ve told you that, but I do. I love you, and I need you to hear it and believe it.”

  She reaches up and lightly brushes her hand against my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into her hand, memorizing her touch. “I love you too, Casen. Now tell me what you did.” Noticing my distress, her voice is soft and comforting.

  “I made some phone calls and invited some people to meet us tonight. I didn’t think you would ever do this on your own, so I’m giving you the nudge I think you need. They’re in the dressing room waiting for you. If you want, I can go in with you, or I can wait out here. I’ll do whatever you ask.”

  Her brows pull together briefly before she yanks her hand from mine and storms off down the hall toward the dressing room. She stops in front of the door and pauses with her hand on the doorknob. She looks at me one last time, before twisting the knob and pushing the door open. Standing in the doorway, frozen in place, she stares at Maggie and Abby who are waiting on the other side of the doorway.

  She closes the door and hastily returns to me. “Leave,” she demands. She is shaking and on the verge of tears. The last thing I want to do is leave her when she’s like this, especially because my actions caused this.

  “Jen, please—” I begin to plead, but her shout interrupts me.

  “I said leave,” she screams, her tiny hands finding strength in her rage to push me away. “How dare you go behind my back and do this. Seeing them was my decision, not yours.”

  Her anger radiates off her and I realize nothing I say will tear down her wrath right now. The best I can do is respect her wishes at the moment, and hope she forgives me later.

  “I’m sorry, Jen. I just thought this reunion wouldn’t have happened without a little help. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t have, but it was my choice to make,” she sighs, tears filling her eyes. “Please, Casen. Just go. I can’t do this right now.” She looks down at the floor, unable to look at me anymore, leaving me nothing left to do except leave.

  I kiss her head and allow my fingers to run through her silky hair. I feel her take a ragged breath under my hand, and it rips my heart from my chest.

  “Please,” she whispers.

  I nod and walk out the backdoor; leaving my heart behind, I hope it makes its way back to me.

  Jen

  My legs won’t move. I’m torn between running out to the parking lot and getting as far away as possible, and going back to the dressing room to meet the daughter who was taken from me, the person I didn’t think I deserved.

  I’ve held onto my aunt’s letter for a month, trying to decide what to do. Eventually I would have reached out to them, but when I first read it, and every time since, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. I’m conflicted with a number of intimidating thoughts: Fear of rejection, fear of having to explain where I’ve been and why I haven’t been in her life, fear of telling her how she came to be. Talking about those things makes them real, and for the last decade I’ve done a great job of avoiding it all. When I left my aunt’s home I shoved all those cruel memories deep down, hoping that they would never resurface. It wasn’t until Casen that I was forced to face my hurtful past. Now, my previous life is sitting on the other side of the door waiting for me.

  Gathering every bit of courage I can find, I slowly take the twenty steps to the dressing room door. Before I can change my mind, I turn the knob and open the door. Taking the first step into the room, I let fate take over from there.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” my aunt says, rushing to me and pulling me into her arms. “I’m so glad you came back.”

  “I just needed a minute, but I’m ready now,” I tell her quietly. “Does she know about me?” I ask her, afraid of what the answer might be.

  “Jen, honey, she knows everything. She is so excited to meet you.” Her reassurance provides so much relief. The knot in my stomach loosens and for once, I think I can actually go through with this.

  Maggie takes my hand and guides me to the couch, where my daughter is patiently yet nervously waiting for me. It’s amazing how much she looks like me. Her brown eyes and blonde hair remind me of myself at her age and I’m overwhelmed with grief for all the things in her life I missed out on. First steps, first words, first day of school. I missed it all. I’m jealous of my aunt’s involvement in Abby’s life, and simultaneously I’m thankful that she cared enough to do what she did for me.

  Maggie lightly grabs Abby’s hand and pulls her up from the couch so we’re face-to-face. “Jen, this is your daughter Abby. Abby, sweetheart, this is your mom.”

  Maggie’s introduction was so simple, yet her words hit me like a giant freaking boulder. I’m a mom. I never let myself even consider the words before, because the label was taken from me. But Maggie has given it back to me. I’m Abby’s mom and I’ve never wanted anything more.

  I reach out my hand to shake hers, unsure of what the situation calls for. I want to hug her, I want to tell her I’m sorry this happened to us. Yet I don’t know where the boundaries are and I don’t want to mess this up. Instead of the momma bear hug I want to give her which would rival Vivian’s, I reach my hand out like an olive branch, hoping forgiveness finds its way to the other end.

  Though, instead of a hand, Abby jumps into my arms, wrapping her little arms around my waist and squeezing so hard it knocks the wind out of me. “I’m so glad you’re here, Mom,” Abby says excitedly.

  I place my hands on her head and smooth her wild hair down with tears running down my cheeks. I take a deep breath, the strain in my throat making it difficult to breathe. “There isn’t anywhere I would rather be, baby girl. I’m not going anywhere, anymore.”

  As angry as I was with Casen for intruding on this, now that I’m holding Abby in my arms all of my rage has disappeared. I don’t know how to thank him for forcing me to take the leap I’m not sure I would have done on my own. He helped return the most valuable thing I’ve ever lost, and I wish he was here to be a part of the homecoming. I can never thank him enough for bringing my daughter back to me. He created a family for me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay the debt.

  Jen

  “Am I understanding this correctly? Casen found your aunt’s letter about the daughter you were forced to
give up for adoption, who your aunt actually hid instead and he arranged a reunion for you all?” Vivian asks, throwing herself onto her plush loveseat and digging into a bag of Snickers.

  I nod, insecure about my friends’ reactions to my tainted past.

  “And you haven’t seen him since that night?” Carly adds, throwing a few Skittles into her mouth.

  “He’s texted me and I’ve texted back, but I haven’t seen him. I don’t know what to say. I’m thankful for what he did, but I’m embarrassed at the same time. I never told him about Abby. I’ve spent the last decade trying to forget she existed. I never in a million years thought I would have a chance to see her again, let alone be her mother.” The entire situation has made me physically sick. This week away from him has plagued my body to the point I think I’ve caught the flu.

  “So, is she going to come live with you? What’s the plan?” Vivian asks.

  I slide off of the couch onto the floor and bury my face in my hands. I’m sure I’ve smeared whatever makeup is left on my face. “We’re taking things slow. We have some visits planned to get to know each other, and we’ll take it from there,” I explain.

  My stomach rumbles and a wave of nausea hits me. I knew I should have stayed home; Brooks will kill me if I get his pregnant wife sick.

  Vivian unwraps a Snickers and hands it to me. “Here, hun, chocolate makes everything better.”

  I pop the little morsel in my mouth, but the instant my taste buds recognize the velvety milk-chocolate, the slight nauseous feeling from a few minutes ago escalates which forces me to test my indoor track skills. Without a word, I stand and sprint to the bathroom to rid myself of not only the Snickers but also the few saltine crackers I had managed to keep down.

  I feel a cool washcloth on the back of my neck and then a bottle of water is placed on the floor next to me. Through the haze of my misery I hear Vivian’s voice, “Are you okay, hun?”

  I use the cloth to wipe my neck and face before taking a drink of the cold water to calm my burning throat. “This whole situation has me so upset. I think I’m coming down with the flu.”

  Expecting nothing less, Vivian feels my forehead for fever. “You don’t feel warm, are you sure it’s the flu?” she says, helping me off the floor. She puts the toilet seat down and helps me sit down.

  “Of course,” I insist. “All week I’ve been worn down and tired and I can’t keep anything down. My throat doesn’t hurt so I don’t think it is strep. Even the smell of my lattes make me sick, so I’ve had the worst caffeine headache the last few days.”

  Vivian begins to rummage through her medicine cabinet above the sink, and I’m hoping she finds a bucket of Pepto Bismol and a bottle of aspirin. I’m stunned with what she pulls out and places on the counter instead.

  “A pregnancy test? Really, Viv? I need to rest for a few days and I’ll be fine.”

  Vivian ignores my protest and begins unwrapping the packaging. “Jen, do you realize how many of these I’ve peed on? I’ve given birth to two babies and am pregnant with another, I think I’m familiar with the symptoms of pregnancy. Plus, I’ve known you long enough to know the signs of denial.”

  She hands me the stick and smiles gently. “Just pee on the damn stick.”

  I snag it from her hand with an eye roll. “Fine,” I relent. “If it will make you feel better.”

  Vivian opens the door to give me a little privacy and as the door opens Carly and Campbell, who have apparently been eavesdropping, fall into the doorway of bathroom.

  “Holy shit, Jen,” Carly shouts, staring at the test in my hand.

  “Sorry,” Cam offers. “We just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

  Vivian pushes them both out of the room and begins to close the door. “We’ll be right out here when you’re done; I’ll even have the Pepto ready for you.” She closes the door and leaves me with the stick of fate.

  Holding it in my hand, I mentally run through my womanly calendar. When the dates play through my head, I realize the likelihood the result of this test probably won’t be what I expected. I’ve been so consumed with the situation surrounding my aunt and daughter, I hadn’t noticed I was not only sick but also late.

  Worry overtakes me. I just found out about my daughter, adding an infant seems like more than I can handle. Even my friends know I’m anything but maternal. One of the reasons I gave Carly my cat was because I kept forgetting to feed it. I don’t have plants because every plant I’ve brought into my apartment has shriveled up and died from lack of water. Hell, I have like ten half-used bottles of vitamins because I can’t remember to take them every day.

  Then there’s Casen to think about. He just got a record deal. How fair would it be to throw a baby into the mix? I know how much he wants a family, and as much as he loves music, he would probably give up the deal for a baby. I don’t think I could let him do that.

  Unsure of everything, I take the test, lay it on the counter, and leave the bathroom before the results appear.

  The girls are waiting anxiously for me in the living room. Vivian, as promised, has a cup of Pepto waiting for me. I take it from her, guzzle the chalky substance down, and walk across the room to sit down. Their eyes follow me as I sit in the recliner.

  “Well, what did it say?” Carly says, breaking through the silence.

  “I don’t know, I haven’t looked. It’s sitting on the counter. I don’t think I can look.”

  Carly and Vivian run to the bathroom, almost knocking each other down in the process. They slowly return with the test, their pale faces and wide eyes are all the confirmation I need.

  “Positive, huh?” I say, shell-shocked from my new predicament.

  Vivian lays the test on the coffee table, the two pink lines glaring at me…mocking me. The girls take up spots on the couch and loveseat, their shocked expressions matching mine.

  “How are you holding up?” Campbell asks, reading my unease.

  “What do you mean? This is fantastic!” Carly interjects enthusiastically. “You and Vivian, two babies. How wonderful!”

  Campbell offers a me a look of sympathy. We all are aware of Carly’s struggles to get pregnant, and now her marital issues. To not only show a lack of enthusiasm but to inform her I’m not sure if I’ll be keeping the baby will be like a slap to the face. It will hurt her deeply, but I have to remember this is my situation, not hers.

  “Carly, hun, I need to think things through before I make any decisions about this baby.”

  Her faces scrunches, her disapproval written all over it. “What do you mean, decisions? You would consider not having it?”

  “Easy guys,” Vivian warns. “This is all a bit of a shock; we shouldn’t let our emotions run away with us.”

  “No,” she snaps. “There are people in this world who want nothing more than to have a child but can’t, myself included. Yet here you sit with the greatest gift in the world, and you don’t want it.”

  “I didn’t say that, Carly,” I defend myself. “I just found out I didn’t lose my daughter. I need to think about if I can handle all of this on my own. Besides, you’ve always been the first one to point out how irresponsible I am and what a terrible mother I would be. Shit, you don’t even want to send Olivia with me on the camping trip.”

  “Wait, what do you mean, do it alone, Jen? What about Casen?” Cam inquires. “He’s not the type of guy to let you do this by yourself.”

  I’m under a microscope and the scrutiny is becoming extremely uncomfortable. I stand and move to the window, wishing like hell it would open up and the breeze would carry me away from this conversation.

  “Jen, what about Casen?” Vivian presses.

  I spin around to the group, my patience wearing, my emotions frayed. “Either way, I’m not telling him.”

  ”What! Why not?” Vivian asks, scooting toward the end of the loveseat.

  I sigh and take a seat on the edge of the coffee table, my eyes burning a hole in the beige carpet below my feet. “What kin
d of person would I be if I told him and put him in a position to choose between the two things he’s always wanted?” I look up and focus my attention on the one person I think will understand me the most. “I love him, Campbell. I love him enough to let him go,” my voice is a mere whisper as emotion chokes my throat. Losing Casen would feel like suffocating, but I can’t take his dream from him either. I know no matter what I say, he would give up music to be with his family.

  Campbell slides closer to me and covers my hands with hers. Her voice is soothing, understanding. “Jen, I would never tell you what to do. However, if you love him, don’t you think he deserves to know? What kind of person would you be if you took the choice away from him? “

  Vivian stands and moves over to the coffee table to sit beside me. “We are here for you, no matter what, doll. We love you,” she says, placing her hands on Campbell’s which are still resting on mine.

  Everyone looks to Carly, who’s been silently hanging back since our emotional eruption. Finally, she slides up next to me on the opposite side of Vivian and rests her hands on the pile. “Jen, you are the most loyal, loving person I know. You are stronger than anyone I know. If there was anyone who could handle all of this, it would be you. But don’t ever think you would do this alone, we will always be there for you. You need to know, hun, I believe in you…we believe in you.”

  And just like that, my girls restored my faith in myself. I was going to be a mom, and for once I felt excited about hearing the word.

  Jen

  What a difference a picture can make. When I had the first sonogram of Abby done, I didn’t even look at it. I didn’t want to get attached to something I couldn’t have. Things are different now. Seeing this baby’s image on the screen and holding the image in my hand, all of the indecision I had a few weeks ago has evaporated. All doubts have transformed into butterflies, which are taking up residence in my stomach; I’m overcome with an excitement I’ve never experienced, and wouldn’t trade for anything.

  The second I enter my quaint, little apartment, a place I’ll have to leave soon if I plan on having two children living with me, I enter the kitchen and stick the ultrasound picture on my refrigerator with my favorite X-rated magnet. My naked man-tini will be the first of many things in this apartment, which will need to go when I childproof my previous life from the space.