by Karen Lynn
What the hell are you doing Kristen? That voice in her head again and she knew the answer all too well. Once again she was out of her head from the beer and controlled by desire. Only this time it was different, a critical situation, a matter of life and death. One that wiped everything else out of her mind except the threat of prison looming overhead like the plague that proved hard to accept.
His hot breath on her neck, startled her. When she whipped around they were face to face.
With one soft touch, his eyes bore into her, his whisper haunting. “Let's go up.”
“I can't stay long, Logan.”
Her words fell on deaf ears.
4:30 p.m. Anxious to get in and out of the shower, she tripped over the clothes strewn haphazardly on the floor. After the last time though, the lesson was clear—regardless of the time, always shower before going home to Jake. Otherwise, it be would be a fast path to disaster.
Being alone with Logan definitely had not been on her agenda for the day. The threat of him going to prison for years, the knowledge that he did it for her, the overwhelming anxiety over the surfacing of the truth, propelled her into it. So, it wasn’t a conscious choice, which meant no guilty conscience whatsoever. Then why wouldn’t it sink into her head?
She hadn't spoken to Jake since the morning but suspected he would be home in a few hours. Whatever her reason for ending up in bed with Logan was, if he found out, she feared it would be over for good. It was crucial that she beat him home and pick up Alex from Cassandra.
Before returning to the bedroom, she examined her image in the bathroom mirror. It was unrecognizable and it wasn't just the fact that her hair was shorter, her tummy and hips a little plumper. No, more than that—she was different, a total stranger.
Logan leaned on one arm, eyeing her, she crouched on the floor by the bed. His eyes were filled with the bittersweet mixture of despair and desire.
“I have to go, Logan. It's late, the babysitter's waiting.”
He was pensive for a minute then locked his fingers in her hair, pulling her lips to his. “When are you coming back? We don’t have much time.” He held onto her.
“I'm not sure. But I'll try, before you—” She couldn't say the words.
He helped her out “—Go to prison.”
Her eyes saddened. She flipped the hair out of his face, stroking his skin gently before dropping her hand and rising. “I’m sure Micky can work out a shorter sentence. I'll talk to him.”
I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that happens.
She closed her eyes, desperate to hold back the tears.
“Are you going to give me your address, so I can write you?”
It took her off guard. What should she say?
“I can write you, can't I? Then you'll have it. But be positive Logan, maybe you'll get off. Who knows?”
He smirked, then sighed deeply. “You never know. But when I get out, we are going be together again. You have to promise me. Otherwise, I don't think I can make it. Remember, I'm doing this for you and only you.” He grabbed her shoulders.
“I'm not going anywhere.” Anything can happen in a year or two. Anything. Still, I can’t let him coerce me into promising.
“That's not good enough Kristen!” He stood up, taking her with him, the tortured look on his face alarming. “Promise me! If he tries anything, tries to keep us apart, I swear I'll kill him this time.”
“Logan! Don't talk like that.” She had never seen him this venomous.
“Why not? I did it once, it will only get easier. You'll see.” The fire in his eyes had chilled to pale blue ice cubes.
Outraged, she shook her head ripping out of his hands. She seized his face. “No! Stop saying that! Don't ever talk like that, you hear me? Never!”
His lips formed into a devilish smile. It was hard to tell if he meant what he said, but she couldn't risk doubting him. Not for a minute. She backed away, pulling on her shorts, curious if he would let her leave without a fight. Lighting a joint, he lay back to stare up at her.
* * *
“You know you don't love him. You'll never love anybody like you love me. Don't ever forget that.”
They stood in the parking garage. He kissed her long and deep. She smiled and slid her hand to the door handle. His hand forcefully held it in place. “Say it!” he demanded, the heat in his eyes raging again.
Her breathing intensified. Still refusing, her eyes smoldered.
“You are so stubborn. Say my name then.”
With a devilish twinkle in her eyes, she moved her lips. It was inaudible, but as expected, he heard it.
Satisfied, he released the door, letting her enter. She cranked the engine, looking down to whisk the tears from her eyes. After a moment, she put on her sunglasses, drove to the exit and screeched to halt. She ventured a peek in the rearview mirror, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. He stood rigidly in place staring at her. Not allowing second thoughts to infiltrate, she hit the gas pedal, accelerating into the street.
JAKE
The day turned out to be very productive, in spite of the sleep deprivation plaguing him from another restless night tossing, turning and taking care of Alex. After little more than three hours of sleep, it was difficult enough keeping his eyes open let alone focusing. To make matters worse, his neck ached from concentrating on the ceiling for hours on end while he painted. It was after five p.m. when it dawned on him. He hadn't spoken to Kristen all day, in fact, she hadn’t even entered his mind. At least not much. Apparently, he hadn’t been on hers either. Not one voicemail or text from her.
Screw it. There was no use trying to push it any further, first day of work or not.
After dousing his face with ice water for the third time, he packed his stuff, cleaned up and sped to the truck.
A bizarre feeling came over him as soon as he unlocked the front door. It was dark, the silence unnerving. Flipping on the kitchen light, he popped open a beer and sank into a chair. An unexpected noise outside brought him to his feet. Damn it! I could’ve sworn I shut the door!
Cassandra shifted Alex around in her arms.
“I’m so sorry, but I have to go to the store and your wife's not back yet. Can you take baby Alex, please?”
The intense pounding in Jake’s head flared up as soon as he saw them. He sprinted to the door, glanced at the baby and peered behind them. “Yeah, no problem. Thank you so much Cassandra.” He took the baby from her, cuddling him close. “Hey little man, miss your daddy?”
He kissed his son’s head, chuckling at the gummy smile it produced. “Did she say where she was going? When she'd be back?”
Cassandra turned back. “A meeting, she said. That was a long time ago.”
Jake's spirits sank. Slumping into a recliner, he laid the baby on his chest. There they were all alone with his uninvited new companions, self-doubt and confusion.
Where is she? I remember her mentioning a meeting with Logan and Micky. The building disappointment and exhaustion made his hands tremble. Forcing himself to focus on the baby in his arms, the one person who actually needed him, he closed his eyes, desperate for a few minutes of rest.
Don't jump to conclusions, Jake. Maybe she stopped at the store.
That had to be it. She wouldn't fuck this up again.
It wasn’t working. The tremors were too powerful. He put Alex down in his crib, his heart filled with love and anguish as he watched him doze off. That's when the bitter cold surge through his veins came out of nowhere.
* * *
As soon as Kristen pulled into the driveway, she ran to Cassandra's door, leaned on the doorbell and let it blare. No answer. She pounded on the door. Still nothing. She jogged around to the side of the house, pressing her face to the window. Everything was dark, empty. Where is she? Where’s my baby?
Quickly unlatching the gate, she dashed through the yard to Cassandra’s back entrance. That's when it hit her. She spun around, her eyes darting to their house. Her heart stopped at the sight of Ja
ke's truck parked on the tarred path in front of it.
Maybe Cassandra and Alex are taking naps.
She tapped on the back door. Still no response.
Shit!
She turned back to their little house, her eyes feverish. It was pitch black also. What was going on? Seized by terrifying bad vibes, she struggled to overcome her shaking. When she reached the front door she jammed her ear against it, listening, hoping. Not a sound. On guard, she unlocked the door, and tiptoed inside. A dim light trailed out from the bedroom. The door was shut. Her heartbeat accelerated.
When she cracked the bedroom door open, she didn't see Jake. She peeked deeper inside, holding her breath, concentrating. The hairs on her arms rose. She heard his hoarse breaths behind her. It had to be a bad dream. She turned in slow motion to face him.
“Where’ve you been?” His voice was dull and bitter. He blocked her path to the living room.
A little terrified gasp escaped her lips. “Jake, why are you hiding?”
“I'm not hiding, Kristen. I was in the living room. You walked right by me. You really need to be more cautious.” But he knew what the real problem was. He was becoming more and more invisible to her.
He stood directly in front of her, skin to skin.
No words were necessary. He brought his face closer to her neck, inhaling her skin once, frowned and repeated it a second time. He stepped back, eyeing her from head to toe.
“What are you doing? Where's Alex?” She couldn't think. Her eyes made a frantic search of the bedroom, trying to find the crib in the shadows. Jake pulled her out of the room.
“I don't wanna wake him, I just put him to sleep. Why are you suddenly so concerned? You were supposed to be back hours ago. Cassandra was here waiting for you.” He pushed her to the wall, holding onto her shoulders.
Their eyes locked. There was no room for hysterical behavior. She delved deeper into his eyes. So far, they were emotionless but calm.
The calm before the storm.
“Jake what's wrong with you? I told you I was meeting Micky today.” She couldn't say Logan. Maybe he wouldn't remember him. That was her hope.
“And Logan, right? What, you can't bear to say his name? Wasn't he the main attraction? What did you do, shower before you left him this time? I couldn't smell his stink!”
The rapidly brewing rage inside of him blazed in his eyes. She attempted to speak, he placed his finger to her lips and kept going. “You promised it was over with him, remember? You swore to me you wanted to move out and be with me. Remember? I gave you the chance to back out, but no, you said you loved me, not him. Why the hell do you think I came all the way down here?”
“I do! I meant it! I didn't do anything!”
I can’t break down. Not today. I have to be strong.
A devastating premonition warned her it was a matter of life and death. “You don't understand, do you? He's about to go to prison... for me! It could’ve been me!”
“You're wrong, I understand all too well! You think I'm some kinda idiot, your sucker full-time babysitter while you sneak off to fuck him! You're addicted to him—you love the pain!”
“That's not true Jake, and you know it! I'm involved in this too and I had to be there. I can't just walk away!”
“That’s beautiful—you had to be there! Don't fucking lie to me again Kristen, meetings with lawyers don't go on all day!” He came to an abrupt halt, his hands flying to his head, his eyes lighting up with recognition. “Unless it was the three of you fucking this time, huh? Was that it? You always wanted Micky anyway. Shit, he flew all the way down here just to be with you. Don't tell me there wasn't some reward involved.” He grabbed her face, squeezing his fingers into her flesh, pulling it close to his.
Her voice was lost in her throat, rendering her breathless. This is definitely a bad time to argue! I have to get away. I have to get him off of me!
On instinct, her leg rose.
“Oh no, no no, Kristen! You're not planning to kick me in the balls are you? I’m not Logan! You really think you’re gonna get away with it?”
A laugh built inside of him at the absurdity of it. His hand landed on her knee, clasping it, pushing it down effortlessly. With one rough jerk he pressed his body into hers. She gasped, the wind knocked out of her. When the air re-entered her lungs, she wrestled him, desperate to free herself. Swinging wildly, her hands lashed out in every direction. It didn’t take much for him to grasp one arm, then the other, thrust both above her head and pin her to the wall. The cold concrete dug into her back. She winced opening her mouth. Before a sound came out, he crammed his hand to her lips.
“Shut your mouth Kristen. If you scream…” His eyes narrowed, the viciousness of his own words reverberating in his ears.
I can’t believe this, I’m actually about to hurt her. How could I allow the darkness to suck me in again? I have to stop!
“I don't wanna hurt you baby. Just be quiet and calm down, ok?”
“What about you Jake? I didn't do anything! I'm just trying to defend myself against you and your crazy...” Unable to continue, she burst into tears. “I want to see my baby! What did you do with him?” She gasped for air between sobs, continuing the frantic struggle to break free.
“What did I do with him? Are you kidding me? What are you doing to him? You are the one that….” He stopped short, her glare penetrating like a knife in his stomach. “He's sleeping in his crib, right where I put him.”
He stood mute, distracted by her body jerking with each sob, the mass of copper hair toppling across her tortured face. It was too much for him. He eased his weight off of her, let her arms drop and stepped back. Those sad green and red speckled eyes locked on him, her chest rose and fell with each renewed deep breath. Like always he fell under her spell, the anger dissolving. He stood directly in front of her without blinking before stepping back to eye her from head to toe.
She studied him, measuring the distance.
This is my one and only chance!
She bolted down the hall to his makeshift art studio. Stupefied, he went rigid then burst after her. Just as he entered the room, she spun around to face him. Something hard bounced along his arm, scratched his skin, crashed to the floor. Shocked, he trailed the noise to the lamp shattered across the tiles. Shaken, Kristen crouched next to it, her face pale. She jumped up, banging into an open cabinet. It clattered to the ground spilling a variety of art supplies all around her. Rushing to regain her balance, she grabbed fistfuls of everything she could, escaping his hands as he lunged for her.
One by one, tubes of paint, brushes, mixing knifes, flew by his head, as he frantically ducked out of the way. Her eyes crazed, she ran back for more and began hurling. A sharp burning sensation spread through Jake’s arm. Instantly the piece of glass toppled from her hand, the other remaining embedded in his skin. He yanked it out. When he touched his arm, felt the warmth of his blood trickling out, he snapped.
“You're the only crazy one around here!”
“Really? I hate you! I wish I never met you!”
Every muscle in his body tautened, He headed towards her.
Panicked, her eyes darted to his clenched fists. “Wait…Logan!”
Oh shit! Recoiling, her hand flew to her mouth.
Logan? Jake froze, the red flash behind his eyes, blinding him.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. The words taunted him. He couldn’t shut them out.
With a cry he pressed her to the wall, his fingers digging into her arms. She tried to scream. To beg. To call his name. Nothing came out. All she could do was stare into those cold, dead eyes.
She scratched and clawed, aware she was no match for his madness. Suddenly, his face contorted in anguish. He raised his arm.
I can’t believe he’s doing this! This time when she opened her mouth a piercing scream filled the room.
Jake’s mind and body went numb. He never felt his hand clench into a tight fist. When he heard Kristen scream, his eyes widened in
shock. With a roar his fist shot past her head, smashing into the wall behind her.
Somewhere in a nightmare, a baby’s cries echoed in her ears, as she sank to the ground, shaking.
The faint cries in the distance were getting louder, more distinct. Dazed, Jake shook his head over and over in an urgent attempt to revive himself.
It’s Alex. My son needs me! What the hell is happening?
He blinked, struggling to bring the blurry room into focus. Kristen’s bright red face became clearer.
What the hell did I do?
Collapsing next to her, he held his breath. She sank lower hunching over to hug herself. Gently touching her back, he felt her cringe.
It took a second to find his voice. “Kristen, are you okay?”
Her eyes were wide, glazed, vacant when she looked up at him.
He draped an arm around her shoulders, she shrank away hyperventilating.
Is she in shock?
As if sensing him for the first time, she jerked upright, her eyes blasting open wider. She opened her mouth. It looked like she wanted to say something. Instead, a grueling stream of coughs and gasps rattled the air, blending with Alex’s wails.
CHAPTER 17
THURSDAY, WEEK 13
JAKE
The burning in his eyes was maddening and a cold water flush didn’t help. After being awake all night long, he still couldn't sleep. It was 6:00 a.m. He gazed down in wonder at Alex's tiny face. Even though it was time for his feeding, he decided to let him sleep longer. If he had heard or felt any of the trauma going on in the house during the night, his little body needed it. He tucked the blanket securely around him and padded to the kitchen for his coffee.
He was so jittery his hands vibrated. Moving to the edge of the bed, he looked down at her, not sure what to do. Taking a deep sigh, he slowly eased himself next to her to gently touch her hair. She stirred, let out a low moan, and turned onto her side, her hair steaming across her face.
For a few moments he sat motionless observing her, lost in reflection. As bad as it was, at least he hadn't run away this time. A tiny grin flickered across his face. My mother would be proud. At least about that part.