Remembering Phoenix

by Randa Lynn

  She inches her way closer to me, completely disregarding the fact there are other people in the bar. John Legend starts singing throughout the speakers, giving Abby what she thinks is permission to run her fingers up and down my leg. Seductive she’s trying to be. Desperate is what she accomplishes. “I’m sorry about what happened with Jodi. That was a real fucked up thing she did.” She removes her hand from my leg and meticulously inches her short dress further up her thighs. I glance down because, well, I’m a man and that’s what I do.

  Nope. Still does nothing for me.

  “Shit happens.” I shrug. “I wish her only the best.” And I do. I only wish her the best, though, because of Claire. Otherwise, I really don’t wish a damn thing for her.

  “Mmm,” she purrs. “I really love that you’re so sweet. You aren’t even talking bad about her after all she did to you. She deserves it, you know?”

  “Well I’m not in the business of payback. I’ll let karma do her thing.” I take a slow drag of my beer, hoping the silence makes her go about her business.

  It doesn’t.

  She slowly licks her Botox enhanced lips. “You know. We could—“

  “Hey bro. Why don’t you come up and sit at the bar with me?” Stetson interjects. I breathe a sigh of relief knowing I don’t have to listen to her less than subtle attempts at getting me to fuck her any longer.

  I gladly take his offer, and get out of the booth and go to the bar, thankful for the save from Abby. “Thanks.”

  “For what?” he jibes, knowing damn well what I’m referring to.

  I laugh. “What’s up? Ready to be a married man?” I slap my brother on the back as we each sit on a barstool.

  He grins widely. “Man,” he shakes his head, looking back at his fiancée, “I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. She’s it, man. She’s that fire.”

  “Fire?” I laugh.

  “Yeah. She’s my fire. The fire that slow burns, doesn’t ignite full blast right away, but stays lit forever. It’s the fire that doesn’t burn out. Lizzie, man. She’s that.”

  I drink the last of my beer and tip to the bartender for another. “Interesting thought process.”

  “Never would have thought I’d be here before you. Hell, I never would have thought I’d be here, period.”

  “No shit,” I joke. “But that’s how life works, isn’t it?” I wipe the sweat off my beer the bartender dropped off. “I’m just glad you found a good girl.”

  As soon as the words roll off my tongue, everything in the place becomes obsolete. I see no one but her.

  Her blonde hair is thrown up in a messy bun on top of her head. Dark skinny jeans hug the curves of her body. Dirty white Chucks cover her feet and a black sweater falls off her shoulder, showing her bare collar bone. My cock hardens in my jeans by the sight of her alone. To anyone else, she could be easily passed over, just some average face in a crowd of people. She’s not wearing anything that begs for attention, but that’s exactly what draws me in. She’s the furthest thing from average to me, though. She’s this mystery of beautiful proportions. A mystery I need to figure out.

  Fuck.

  “What’s that?” Stetson asks.

  “Huh?”

  He laughs. “You said ‘Fuck.’”

  Way to go, dumbass. “Oh, it’s nothing.” I shake it off, hoping he doesn’t catch on.

  He downs his shot and follows my line of sight. “Uh huh. Nothing, is that right?” He smirks.

  Well, that worked out well. I lift my head towards the ceiling, taking a deep breath. This girl has got me so twisted. Ever since she ran into me earlier today, I have not gotten those green eyes out of my head. The smooth creaminess of her skin against the darkness surrounding her.

  Some people believe in auras surrounding a person. I have never been one of those people, but if Charlie’s aura was a color, it would be black. And, for some damn reason, it intrigues me like nothing has before.

  I scrub my hands over my face before answering him. “Yeah, nothing...” Lie.

  He laughs, slapping me on the shoulder. “Whatever you say, man.” He gets up to join everyone else back at the booth.

  I watch the people on the dance floor moving to some rap song as the disco lights bounce around from wall to wall. A couple laughs in one corner while another argues in the other. Men grope their girl’s asses as they grind on each other, and a group of friends chatter at the end of the bar. I turn back to grab my beer, but a hand swoops out and snatches it before I get a chance to. I careen my head to my left to cuss out whoever it is, but I’m caught off guard. And, quite honestly, turned the fuck on. I watch in utter astonishment as Charlie guzzles the last half of my beer before sliding it down the bar. A side grin pulls at the corner of my mouth. “I do recall you shoving me when I stole your alcohol once.”

  She shrugs and sits down at the bar. “Payback is a bitch.”

  “Yeah, well I don’t mind the payback I’m getting right now.”

  She rolls her eyes before motioning to the bartender for two shots. “You think you’re so smooth, don’t you, Slayter Beck?”

  “I didn’t even have to hit on you to come sit by me, now did I?”

  She laughs. “I was just returning the favor of being an egotistical asshole who steals a stranger’s drink.”

  “Feel free to be an egotistical asshole anytime,” I tease.

  Changing the subject, I say, “Your sister said you weren’t coming out. Said you wanted to nurse your foot.”

  “Why the hell were you and my sister talking about me?” she quips.

  I shrug. “No particular reason.”

  She rolls her eyes. “She was probably worried about me. Everyone is always worried about little ol’ Charlie.”

  No. I just wanted to know if I’d see you or not. “Nah,” I say, “we were just discussing who all would be here. And I asked about your foot.”

  “Well, my foot is fine. No thanks to you.” Her voice is clipped as she looks up to me. Those green orbs shine in the neon lights hanging above the bar.

  “I’m really sorry,” I admit. “I never meant to be the reason you got hurt.”

  “Yeah, well… I was hurting long before I fell earlier, so you’re good there.”

  I go to speak, but I’m cut off when the bartender brings her two shots. She slides one in front of me and nods for me to take it. She holds her glass in front of her face for a moment, just staring at the amber colored liquid. Charlie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before holding the glass up to mine. “Here’s to clumsy girls who literally run into egotistical assholes. Here’s to our siblings marrying. Here’s to being forever alone because life royally sucks. And here’s to the future because we sure as hell don’t have the past.” She laughs bitterly and clinks our glasses together before throwing back her drink.

  I’ll cheers to that… I guess.

  “That could possibly be the strangest and most depressing toast I have ever heard in all of my twenty-seven years.”

  She stares at me blankly, then shrugs. “Well… life is strange and depressing. Didn’t you know?”

  I shrug. “Doesn’t mean you have to let it control you.”

  She mumbles something under her breath. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she gives me one more glance, full of pain and emptiness, and walks towards her sister. I can’t help but stare at her as she walks away. She’s so guarded and has this hard shell surrounding her, like she’s scared to break out of it. I want to crack it. See what’s underneath the façade she puts on.

  Who the hell are you, Charlie McGee?

  “Gosh, Mama and Daddy, you didn’t have to do this for me,” Lizzie cries, dabbing the tears from her eyes.

  “Oh, but we did. You’ve always been such a light in everyone’s life, spreading love wherever you go without asking anything in return. You deserve to have the honeymoon you always dreamed of. I’m just glad Stetson agreed to let me do this, and lie to you about it for months,” Mom replies.r />
  “Months?” she asks, eyes wide in astonishment. “He knew about this for months, and still told me we were going to Florida for our honeymoon? He knew about this incredible luxury cruise?” Tears still sting her eyes as she tries to fan them away with her hands.

  “I might have threatened him within an inch of his life if he spoiled this for you. We wanted to wait until today,” Dad chimes in.

  She gasps, “No you did not! Guys, this is too much. You’ve already paid for my wedding. It’s not your place to pay for the honeymoon, too.”

  Mom looks down for a moment before looking back up at Lizzie. “We know honey, but we didn’t want Stetson to have to pay for it. I know if his parents were alive they’d pay for it, but that’s not how God saw fit. So we’re stepping in for them. Take this as our last wedding gift to you two. You both deserve to see the world. This is a small part of it.”

  Stetson’s parents died about five years ago in a plane crash. They were flying to a meeting on a private plane when one of the engines blew up. Lizzie and Stetson met shortly after that, and according to Mom and …well… everyone else, she is the sole reason he didn’t continue his downward spiral into a dark hole.

  Not everyone is so lucky.

  “Okay, I would keep going, but I really don’t want to mess my makeup up,” Lizzie says, still fanning the tears from her eyes.

  “It’s about time for me to go make sure those boys are ready, anyway,” Dad jokes. “Love you, honey.” He kisses Lizzie on the cheek before turning to me, doing the same. “Love you, Charlie Girl.”

  “I love you too, Dad,” I reply. He gives me a curt nod before leaving the room.

  I wish I could say my dad and I were extremely close like he and Lizzie are. He tries, but there is just a barrier we can’t seem to break like my mom and I were able to do. I don’t know if he just can’t get over my accident, the loss, or if we just won’t ever click like we apparently had before my accident.

  From all the pictures and home videos I’ve seen, I was a Daddy’s girl through and through. Fitting, since I’m named after him. His name is Charles, and when he was little, his mom called him Charlie Boy, hence where my name and nickname come from.

  Mom and Dad leave the bride’s room after saying their farewells, giving Lizzie and me some time to ourselves. The tension in my shoulders ease. Being in the room with all of my family still overwhelms me sometimes. The constant need to feel like I belong. The constant pressure to try and be the same girl I was before is oftentimes too much to bear. As much as I try, I’ll never be who I was before. How can I, when I don’t even know who that girl was?

  “How was your last night as a single lady?” I ask while slipping my dress off the hanger.

  “Holy crap. Last night as not husband and wife was freaking fantastic. If you know what I mean.” She waggles her eyebrows.

  I laugh. “I bet it was.”

  “I saw how Slayter looked at you all night. He couldn’t take his hungry eyes off of you.”

  I laugh. “Lizzie, that’s enough. He’d never be into me. Which is just fine with me, because I’d never want him. You are absolutely insane for even thinking that.”

  “I’m so serious! He even asked me about you.” She grins like she’s just won an argument.

  “Like he doesn’t know about me. It seems like everyone knows about me… but me.”

  She sighs. “No. He really doesn’t. He and Stetson just started speaking again about a year and a half ago, and I asked Stet not to tell anyone about you because I know you don’t like people feeling sorry for you,” she replies, so innocently.

  “Thank you. That means a lot,” I admit. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t all that chipper last night. You know public outings aren’t really my thing.”

  “It’s okay. Really. I get it. Now, back to Slayter…” She cocks her head to the side as she waits for me to speak.

  I roll my eyes. “No, not back to Slayter.”

  She spins on her heel and falls into the couch. “He told me you guys met a few weeks ago.”

  “Met? More like he stole my shots I ordered. I was having a shit day. It was the day, October fifteenth, and all I wanted was some alcohol to calm my nerves. Then he comes in and does that. He’s an asshole. I can’t stand him.”

  “He’s a really good guy, Char. He’s been through some tough stuff lately. You can’t fault him.”

  I huff. “I don’t fault him. I just don’t like him. He’s arrogant. And yes, he is an asshole.”

  “Who’s an asshole?” I turn towards the door and see Olivia, Randi, and Abby walk in. Abby pops her hips to the side and repeats herself, “So, who’s the asshole?”

  I clinch my jaw, wanting to say you are, but I don’t.

  “Charlie said Slayter was an asshole,” Lizzie belts out.

  Why can’t she shut up? The only thing I want Abby to know I was saying is what I tell her. Ugh. She makes my skin crawl.

  It’s no secret I am not a people person. People, in general, make me want to poke my eyes out. Most people, however, I can pull my big girl panties up and deal with. Abby is not one of those people. You know the itch on your back you just need to scratch to get rid of, but you can’t, no matter how hard you try, but you just need that scratch to go away? She’s that itch. And I loathe it.

  “Oh. But he’s hot as hell with his chiseled jaw and dusting of facial hair. And his sex hair; I could pull it so hard. God. And sculpted, lean abs. Damn, I’d like to try him out.”

  My skin prickles with irritation the longer she talks about him. “Don’t cuss in church,” I bark out before I can stop myself.

  God, I just sounded like him.

  “You’re so moody,” Abby chides.

  “And you’re such a wh—“

  “So, let’s get dressed!” Randi cheers, stopping me midsentence. She winks at me and blows me a kiss.

  I laugh and roll my eyes at her. She knows she was thinking it, too.

  “You ready for this, Sis?” I ask, hugging my sister one last time before she becomes a married woman.

  She takes a deep breath while looking at her reflection in the mirror. She tugs at the few loose strands of hair cascading down the sides of her face before running her hand delicately over the loose, low-hanging up do. The lace bodice of her fitted, mermaid dress hugs her svelte figure perfectly. If she was beautiful before, she’s radiant now.

  “I am. I can’t wait to marry the absolute love of my life,” she whispers, more to herself than to me.

  “You look beautiful, Lizzie. I’m so proud and happy for you,” I confess. She fiddles with the intricate locket around her neck, and it catches my eye. A small, tiny necklace that holds so much. Tears threaten to cloud my vision as I stare at the delicate jewelry. Lizzie catches wind of what I’m looking at and she brings me in for a hug. I narrow my sight in on the corner of the mirror. I need to concentrate on something other than the cold, bitter truth of what’s missing today. Or who’s missing, rather.

  It’s a contradictory thing to miss someone so terribly much who you have no recollection of. I might not remember, but my soul feels the void every single day of my life.

  “I wish he were here,” she whispers. “But I’m so glad you’re here today. I wouldn’t want any other person standing by my side on the biggest day of my life.”

  “Yeah,” is all I can manage to choke out as the emotion overcomes me.

  I wish I weren’t here.

  We stand in pained silence for several seconds before the door swings open, breaking our somberness. “It’s go time, bitches!” Randi yelps. “Oops. Forgot I was in church.”

  Lizzie gives me a sad smile before turning to the rest of the bridesmaids. “Sorry. We were just having a sister moment.” She dabs underneath her eyes, double checking over her makeup in the mirror. “Let’s go, shall we? I’m ready to see my man!”

  I take a deep breath and follow everyone out of the room, leaving the sadness behind, even if for just a little while.

  T
he pianist starts playing an instrumental as the doors quietly close shut. Everyone gets into position. All the bridesmaids look beautiful in their flowing plum colored dresses. As much as I hate to admit it, even Abby looks pretty.

  I glance at myself in the mirror hung on the wall above the long, wooden table. As soon as my eyes see the reflection behind me, I glance away quickly. I snap my head, looking behind me. Slayter stands there in a light gray tuxedo, his hair slicked back ever-so-handsomely and… wait. Why do I think he’s handsome?

  Stop it, Charlie.

  “Catching flies?” he asks, cocking his eyebrow up in satisfaction.

  I snap my mouth shut and turn away from him.

  “You look beautiful,” he whispers. His breath drifts across my skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps.

  I smile, but I don’t want to smile. I want to slap him, because there’s no way in hell this guy thinks I’m beautiful. He’s either a super good liar or he’s just trying to be nice.

  I’m not sure I like either one of those options.

  “Yeah. Okay. Is my scar beautiful, too?” I ask bitterly.

  His brows furrow, but before he can answer, I hear chattering coming from behind. I turn to see my dad walking up. His black hair, speckled with gray, shines from the oil he always uses to style it.

  He straightens up and buttons his jacket before walking our way. His eyes zone in on Lizzie and tears glisten in them, wrapping her in a hug. “You are absolutely beautiful,” he chokes out.

  In all the two years I’ve spent getting to know my father again, he’s never once cried. Actually, he’s never had much of any emotion.

  My feet move on their own accord towards my sister and father. He catches sight of me and releases Lizzie. His eyes grow wide, and I suddenly want to shrink down to the size of an ant. “Charlie Girl. Wow. You look… you are… stunning.” My cheeks flush because he’s never really given me a compliment before, and now that he’s looking at me, the tears aren’t just glistening in his eyes anymore. A few have escaped, and now my hazel eyes are mirroring his hazels, both filled with tears and staring right into each other. “Come here,” he whispers as he opens his arms to welcome me into a hug. I make the two steps to close the distance between us as the smell of mint and tobacco invade my senses. I close my eyes, and breathe in the smell. It’s comforting. It feels familiar, warming, welcoming.