Inbox Full of Crazy

by Chris-Rachael Oseland

  I Blame Viagra

  I'm in my 30's, and I have no qualms about being honest about my age in personal ads. Therefore, I'm genuinely shocked how many 19-24 year olds ping me with a horribly composed sentence explaining how much they crave the company of a "matuare sexxxy woman who has it going on."

  I'm equally startled by the sheer volume of men in their 50's and above. The younger guys almost always make a point of saying what smart or sassy thing in my ad caught their attention. Okay, let's be honest - they're probably turned on by any woman who likes zombies. The point is the younger guys actually pay a little attention before making their pitch. The older guys, on the other hand, completely ignore everything I say in my ads in favor of bitterly letting me know that men in the AARP still have needs.

  The photos that came with these messages were so creepy they inspired me to quit Match.com (the unofficial home of the dick pic parade.) I know there are plenty of attractive, well groomed older men on dating sites. I looked. I’m guessing those guys respect the broad parameters of a woman’s profile and only email people who might agree to a date. Instead, before I fled from Match.com I heard from a parade of elderly serial killers trolling for women 20-30 years their junior.

  I’m not exaggerating.

  One of these guys had a profile pic that looked disturbingly like Rasputin molesting a life sized Dora the Explorer doll. The guys who claimed to look like Santa were obviously posing for the “after” shot in an upcoming movie where police discover the north pole’s secret meth lab. A webcam shot of a snarling retiree who forgot to put in his dentures had him seductively posed in a room that belonged on “Hoarders.” These were angry, elderly men who believed they damn well deserved a blowjob from a woman at least half their age.

  There's a whole lot of weird white male entitlement going on here (let me once more stress the horror of the photos - this parade of toothless, wild bearded, angry hoarders looked like they would happily peel my skin off and use it to reupholster their motorized scooters), but after I finished my 19th shower and could read their messages without trembling in fear of the thought that they'd masturbated to my photos, I noticed some interesting trends.

  Pundits like to declare the youth of our nation can't write. I beg to differ. No man under 30 has ever said I shouldn't expect good grammar, spelling or punctuation. These old coots, on the other hand, take a peculiar glee in telling me I'll never hear from anyone with decent writing skills. Sorry, Rasputin, but in reality, the guys I hear from in their 20's are mostly college educated, especially articulate, and very computer savvy. Stop waving your canes and telling those boys to get off your lawn. They're great guys.

  If you’re feeling sympathetic towards some of these guys while reading their not altogether horrifying messages, remember every single one of them looks like an angry homeless panhandler and they're all writing to a woman younger than their granddaughters. I am not exaggerating. Go google a photo of Rasputin. Are you looking at it? Stare into those cold, dead, eyes. Now read these messages again. Have fun sleeping tonight.

  ~*~

  I like your ad, and the way you composed it. You probably won't be interested in me because I'm only looking for a sexual relationship. I'm 50’s, good looking, and like I said just looking for sex. Hate to be so blunt, but it's best for both of us.

  ~*~

  ha ha, nobody that reponds to a personal can spell ! You're going to be a hard sell.

  I'm probably older than responses you're entertaining, however, I'm a 59 year old, I'm almost in good shape and reasonably articulate.

  I'd like to think I'm a good date, I wouldn't really know since I don't date and have been single last 3 years. I have 2 teenage daughters with me 1/2 the time, and am recently unemployed though still comfortable. I enjoy good food, japanese, indian, american et al.

  Hobbies and interests for the most part can wait, for if the preceding didn't nix the whole idea, I'll share with you later :) I do like biking, travelling, movies.

  So what do you like ? I'm sure you've had plenty of responses, but if you're looking fo something a little different, write back.

  ~*~

  I am having trouble getting my picture go through.I am a very adventurous person who would loves to travel.I am a very affectionate person who likes to treat that special someone like a Queen. I have 2 dogs and like taking them to the park.I am a pretty funny guy who likes to make people laugh. If you would like I could send a picture to a private email. I am pretty computer illiterate which is normal for the 60’s and just can't seem to figure it out.I like going out to eat with a special person.I would love to find find someone who is fun and dependable.I want to find someone to put before myself in bed and out.I would love to hear back from you, you do sound like a lot of fun.

  ~*~

  Asking for literacy and writing skills could be setting the bar a bit high in this market. But I'll ty my best.

  Like you, I love finding hole-in-the-wall places to eat, if they turn out to be little gems. Of course, you don't know until you try them. Life is an adventure.

  I'm 59 (though most people think I'm about ten years younger), an attorney, and passionately interested in the arts, especially visual arts. As for hobbies, I enjoy cooking and having friends over for parties. Tonight I had several artist friends over for Mexican food. The menu included green chile and chicken soup, and burritos with red or green chile sauce.

  I am very involved with photography, and several of the people here tonight were photographers. I'll tell you more about this if you decide you would like to continue the conversation

  I hope this interests you, and that you would like to talk further, and meet.

  ~*~

  I want to see you in black stockings and stiletto heels!!! I'm not sure what to say other than I liked your profile and the way you express yourself ! If I'm not to old or to married lets talk !

  ~*~

  Hithere! I kind of expect that you'll not read this, since the filtering agent says I'm unacceptable, so I'll keep this short.

  You appear to be a singularly wonderful human being, and I would love to take over the world with you. Or talk to you. Or hang out somewhere, sometime. I look like santa and I’m just as generous.

  ~*~

  According to cyber launched connectivity factors I am in strick violation of wasting your time...but we could maybe do that tomorrow...You may find me dull...unless you love Santa bcause I rock that look I might find you exciting many ofthe same interest seem to apeal to us

  perfect combo..?I guess read my profile, since they rejected it on the side of milk cartons...

  finish all those Cheeerios and let me know....

  ~*~

  I wish there wasn't an age difference - you would be fun to get to know and bouce around with. Fun first date riding a horse or riding me up to you.

  Hugs

  P.S. I'm 60 but who's counting!

  ~*~

  you sound like a lot of fun..i am 59 married and veyr honest ..want o play in bed some...so let me know if you might be inteeresed

  ~*~

  my idea of a totally different first date, do you like planes all kinds of planes? have you ever heard of the air force museum at wright patterson air force base in just north of Cincinnati. it takes two days to see the whole thing. a few words about me, i am a single white male, 55years old, 6'0'' tall and 250 pounds, not fat but heavy set. i am retired, but i don't date because i have a 5 year old grand daughter who i spend every other weekend with and 4 weeks in the summer and 1 week at Christmas, and i have promised her father that i would not involve any one that i happen to go out with in her life. as for a picture i have the digital camera, but i lack the computer skills to attach pictures in emails as for me when the weather is warm i enjoy riding my motorcyle, going to the Smokey's and rallies, also i love to go fishing. if interested email me back and we can talk.

  ~*~

  Hi, read your profile... Very nice. I would like to trade more pictures with you if you are
real. I am not good at this online so you may need to help me. I am 56 nice looking, single, good job, nice home. I would like to stimulate you both from above and below. I have a very high sex drive which I can't find anyone who will match it. Are you the one? Let me see more pictures so we can get a feel for one another OK.

  ~*~

  Are you stupid? Ifyou judge men by how they write you will die alone and itwill all be your fault. I'm 64 300 pounds not fat just husky ready to retire. I have a prescription for little blue pills and know how to keep you hapy all night long. I dont know how to get a picture from my camera online but I am very nice looking andpeople say im like Santa so ho ho ho how far willyou go?

  ~*~

  I would love to have the opportunity to try and stimulate your mind!! I am a young at heart man who just would love to find a woman that needs a man to please her in every way that she desires. I am wanting to please her mind,body,and soul. But the problem I keep having is I dont get in return. I will be more than happy to tell you more about me over dinner or lunch, which ever you prefer.

  I am looking forward to your reply......;-)

  ~*~

  I enjoyed your posting, and I'm intrigued by your interests, which are similar to my own. I love science fiction, especially in series, like the Foundation trilogy-- which is actually part of the 15 novels in the Asimov robot series. And I'm interested in ancient history, particularly Egyptian, though I approach it more through its art. Art is my passion, especially photography. I am 59 years old, though most people think I'm much younger. I think drinks would be a good way to start, and continue on for dinner. Somehow, I think we will have plenty to talk about. But chemistry can only be gauged in person.

  ~*~

  Hello there,

  I just had to send you a note as I found your profile very intriguing. I am an educated, articulate, engaging, affable, outgoing 57yr old man and quite possibly outside your age range, but sometimes you have to say what the heck. Ok, that may not be the exact quote, but I am a gentleman first and foremost for heaven's sakes.

  I worked for an electronics retailer for many many years, but now work selling computer services to businesses so I guess you could say that I too am a geek of sorts and yes I have seen all the movies you spoke of. In addition I enjoy movies (in or out), nice dinners (also in or out), bike rides (only out on this one), book stores, coffee shops, travel (especially Vegas or the beach) and just enjoying life.

  I must admit that I am an old fashioned romantic who enjoys holding hands, holding doors, buying flowers or chocolates just because, cuddling, snuggling, hugging and those long deep slow kisses that last for 3 days that Kevin Costner spoke of in a movie once (bonus points if you know the movie).

  ~*~

  would love to lunch and maybe a movie, age 58, slim, laid back love the out doors, from camping to the harley, you would look great on back of a bike with all that horsepower between your legs

  ~*~

  good morning to you !... i am a married man... but believe it or not.... i'm NOT interested in trying to get together for a 1 "afternoon" stand.... was kind of hoping for a more long term ... "affair to remember"... maybe get together on a somewhat regular basis... BUT.. thats not the purpose of my note , as i can tell from the "air" of your ad that that is not what YOU are looking for.. the purpose of my note... now don't laugh...is to say you will NOT find a man under 40...not the way you write!....not going to happen....lol.. have a great day hun !.....

  ~*~

  I’m an overworked professional in need of a fantastic vacation with someone special! We both deserve it!

  I’m handsome but need to lose some weight before we go. You’re cute in your own way.

  You’re unique and your friends think you deserve someone special. I appreciate the little things.

  I’m a married but lonely romantic. You’re open-minded and discreet.

  You love to travel. I love to travel.

  I read several books each month. You can hold your own in a conversation with anyone.

  You might just steal my heart. I might just spoil you rotten!

  Let’s get away.

  Pretty Girls

  Let's be honest. You're not writing to anyone you don't find at least mildly attractive. She may have the most amazing, compatible profile you've ever read, but if she looks like Madeline Albright, you're not asking her out for coffee. Everyone knows that guys only write to the pretty girls - or the girls who look extra easy.

  Individually, none of these messages are too horrible. That's why I wanted to put them in context. Pay attention here, gentlemen. This is every woman's inbox. We're all flooded with semi-literate horndogs who write like they just finished masturbating to our pictures. I've learned that "pretty" is code for "I've never read a single profile. I just copy and paste the same message to 10 new girls each day in the hopes one of them has low enough self esteem to blow me."

  Want a reply? Dig through those profiles. Find one thing to say that makes it look like you value something in addition to her tits. It's okay if her tits are the first thing that caught your attention. That's why they're so prominent in so many photos. But as a gentleman, it's your job to pretend you didn't notice (you sly dog) because you were so taken in by the fact that you both love the same TV show or cook the same foods or are equally and inexplicably obsessed with David Lynch's "Dune." The more obscure the better - well, as long as you're honest. If you hate "Dune" you may not understand when she throws a cinnamon spice latte in your face and shouts "My name is a killing word!" before stomping out of the coffee shop.

  I'm always amazed when a guy asks where I'm from, what my religion is, or what I do for a living. It's all right there in my profile, front and center. You don't even have to scroll.

  Guys, generic cut and paste jobs make it extra clear you spent 10 minutes sending every new woman on the site the exact same message. If that's all the effort you could spare for her, why should she take the time to write you back? I guarantee you're not the only horny guy hoping a little flattery will get her into bed.

  Let's be honest. If you want to stand out from these guys, make sure you have something to say other than acknowledging she's pretty. If that's really the only reason you're contacting her, keep searching until you find a pretty girl who actually has something in common with you. I promise she's out there.

  ~*~

  You are pretty!I'am a southern gentleman who loves to laugh. I love pretty girls!Mypiccs not so good as yours are much better and prettier than I am deserve a pretty girl like you because I’ma real gentlemen you will’nt do better who loves pretty girls.

  ~*~

  Good evening! How are you doing? I really liked your profile and pics, and would like to know you better. Pretty girls are always the nicest. You look really nice. I liked the third pic. It is pretty. You are on your knees. You show real personality. That is a good thing for a girl. Let's chat!

  ~*~

  PRETTY PIC U PRETTY GIRL!!!! I SHOUGH PRETTY GIRLS THE BEST TIME!!! LETS DO THIS PRETTY GIRL!!!

  ~*~

  we should chat pretty girl. I call you professor! u can school me hard. i make you feel like prettiest girl in the world bcause u deserve it professor pretty!

  ~*~

  h’lo pretty girl! you sure to seemed to be well versed in the english language. read your profile, seem to be a neat person. want to chat awhile? give me a ring at [number redacted] or send me pics of your tits

  ~*~

  Hello Beautiful,

  how are you doing today ? Just wanted to say you have a lovely pic and a nice profile. My name is John,i am 40yrs old single dad. I would really love to get to know a pretty girl likeyou. Have a wonderful night

  ~*~

  I need to know a pretty girl like you. Too many girls are ugly inside. Your pretty inside and out. I deserve to know you inside and out and you deserve a man like me. Make it happen.

  ~*~

  Hello! I saw your profile and wanted to say hi. You seem accomplished and ha
ve a perfect smile....:) I would like to connect with a pretty girl like you. Most girls on sites aren’t so pretty. You are special. I want to show you how special you are, pretty girl.

  ~*~

  u prove thick girls can be pretty. i take u to the club every man there will want a piece of u but ur all mine. i,m possessive. when ur with me ur my pretty girl.

  ~*~

  Your profile is a thing of beauty even more than your charming photos, and in truth your look is the kind that turns me on. So, my beautiful, geeky Lady, I await your response with more anticipation than I have from many messages sent here before. I hope you will visit my profile and see fit to reply. I will be disappointed if I don't get to meet such a lovely lady as you.