by M. E. Nesser
Table of Contents
Introduction Jackson
1 Sara
2 Emily
3 Jackson
4 Emily
5 Sara
6 Katharine
7 Jackson
8 Emily
9 Martin
10 Emily
11 Martin
12 Emily
13 Martin
14 Emily
15 Martin
16 Emily
17 Chad
18 Emily
19 Chad
20 Emily
21 Chad
22 Emily
23 Chad
24 Emily
25 Chad
26 Emily
27 Chad
28 Emily
29 Chad
30 Emily
31 Chad
32 Emily
33 Chad
34 Emily
35 Chad
36 Emily
37 Chad
38 Emily
39 Chad
40 Emily
Passion Takes Time
M. E. Nesser
© 2017 M. E. Nesser
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1973744716
ISBN 13: 9781973744719
Contents
Introduction Jackson
1 Sara
2 Emily
3 Jackson
4 Emily
5 Sara
6 Katharine
7 Jackson
8 Emily
9 Martin
10 Emily
11 Martin
12 Emily
13 Martin
14 Emily
15 Martin
16 Emily
17 Chad
18 Emily
19 Chad
20 Emily
21 Chad
22 Emily
23 Chad
24 Emily
25 Chad
26 Emily
27 Chad
28 Emily
29 Chad
30 Emily
31 Chad
32 Emily
33 Chad
34 Emily
35 Chad
36 Emily
37 Chad
38 Emily
39 Chad
40 Emily
Introduction
Jackson
“Jackson, is the baby OK?” I heard my girlfriend, Sara, the mother of my newborn child, scream. I stood vigil by her side as she pushed for over two hours to deliver our son. Watching a baby being born was way more traumatizing than I ever thought. I had been so focused on Sara during the delivery that all I felt was relief when Dr. Hadley said the baby was here. It never occurred to me to look at the baby and ask if he was OK or not.
I admit I was completely overwhelmed by how long it took for the baby to be delivered and how much pain Sara had to endure. Childbirth was gory and frightening, like a scene from one of the horror flicks Sara and I liked to watch. Except this wasn’t a movie, it was real life. Delivering a baby was a long, painful, and messy experience, and I’d never been so thankful to be a guy in my entire life. I could barely stand watching what Sara was going through. There were moments when I thought I was going to be sick. I’d heard people say that having a baby is a beautiful and miraculous experience, but I wasn’t feeling any of those emotions. The entire process that I just witnessed didn’t feel beautiful or miraculous. It was scary.
I tried to be encouraging and supportive through what seemed like endless hours of childbirth, but I was having a really hard time keeping my composure. Even with the epidural, Sara was in a lot of pain, and it was obvious she was completely exhausted. I didn’t think our baby would ever be born. By the time he finally came out, all of my attention was on my girlfriend.
I was so grateful my mother was in the room during the delivery—especially now, since it looked like something was seriously wrong with our son. My mom held Sara’s hand while she pushed. She gave her words of encouragement and kept us both focused on the task at hand. Her presence was such a godsend. Sara and my mom had an awesome relationship. I was really happy when she asked my mother to be in the room with us when she delivered the baby. I needed my mom there as much as Sara did.
We have some pretty interesting family dynamics. Sara’s father, Ian, married my mother, Katharine, a year and a half ago. They met about a year after my dad died. My parents had a great relationship that lasted almost thirty years. The marriage ended abruptly when my dad had a fatal heart attack that left my mother a widow at the age of forty-seven. After he died she became consumed with grief, and I thought I was going to lose her too. Fortunately she met a man named Ian Jensen, who brought her back to life. They were married in Italy during Christmas break last year. They couldn’t be more in love, and I couldn’t be happier that they found one another.
When I was introduced to Ian and his two daughters at a Thanksgiving dinner two and a half years ago, I was instantly smitten with his youngest daughter. We started dating soon after we met. We fell in love and have been very happy together ever since. After a contraception mishap, we discovered we were pregnant. Today we were having a baby boy. And he was blue.
“Dr. Hadley, what is wrong with the baby?” I asked nervously.
The doctor looked very serious, and it made me even more afraid. She spoke calmly and quickly. “I’m not exactly sure, Jackson. We’re going to take the baby to the NICU and have him examined.” With that being said, Dr. Hadley and two nurses took off with the baby in what seemed to be a controlled panic mode. I looked down at Sara. She wasn’t crying. She had the strangest look on her face. I think she was in shock.
“Mom, what’s going on?” God, I was so glad she was there. My mother was a levelheaded, brilliant attorney who loved Sara like her own daughter. She was also my rock.
My mother looked serious, which made me even more afraid. “I’m not sure, honey. Let me go see what I can find out. I need you to stay with Sara. She’ll need your guidance as she delivers the afterbirth. I need you both to remain calm and think positive thoughts. I’ll be back as soon as I find something out.” My mother kissed the top of Sara’s head and disappeared through the door.
My panic was rising. I was still holding Sara’s hand. My other hand was brushing her sweaty hair away from her face. I wasn’t even aware I was touching her hair at first. I guess I needed to do something with my hands, because I was so nervous that the baby was dead. She looked catatonic. I was petrified. I hadn’t been this scared since my dad died. I felt frozen in time, not knowing what to do or say. Why was our baby blue? Was he dead? Was he going to be brain damaged? This could not be happening. We were both young and healthy. The baby had to be fine.
As Dr. Hadley was leaving the room, another doctor took the baby from her so she could come back to help Sara. I heard someone say something about a Neonatal specialist looking after the baby, but I wasn’t exactly sure. “OK, Sara, we need to finish up our work here so you can relax. As we discussed at your last visit, the nurse will be pushing down on your stomach to help us deliver the placenta. It may be a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t take very long. The hard part is definitely over. Once the placenta is removed, I’ll stitch you up, and you can get some rest. How does that sound?”
Sara was as white as a ghost and staring into space. I wasn’t sure if she had heard the doctor or not. Suddenly I saw her lips move. “Is my baby dead?” she said in a whisper.
The doctor patted her leg and gave her a reassuring smile. “No, he is not dead. It appears the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around his neck, and he was deprived of oxygen. They
’re doing everything they can to revive him. Right now we need to focus on you.”
“It’s my fault,” Sara mumbled.
I was glad the doctor heard her. I wasn’t sure what to say. “No, sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault. It’s actually more common than you think. Now, I need you to focus on me for just a minute. Can you please push one more time?” she asked gently.
Sara continued to stare into space, but she did what the doctor asked of her. She pushed down, not making a sound. I held her hand tightly. I wanted to say something encouraging, but I was too scared. I didn’t know if our baby was dead or not. This was such a nightmare.
Sara only had to push a few more times before the doctor was able to remove the placenta. It was larger than I expected and very bloody. She put it in a bowl and handed it to one of the nurses. Looking at it made me feel queasy. I could understand why some dads faint during the delivery. But this wasn’t time to be thinking about myself. After what Sara just went through and the fact that something was wrong with our baby motivated me to stay focused on them and ignore how I was feeling.
After the remains of the afterbirth were removed, Dr. Hadley cleaned up her vagina and put a few stitches in the area where she had torn. Although I watched everything that was going on, I didn’t feel even remotely present. I felt like I was having some kind of outer body experience. There was quiet chatter in the room, but I have no idea what anyone was saying. I couldn’t stop staring at Sara’s face.
“Excellent job, Sara,” I heard the doctor say. “We are almost done.”
Once Sara was cleaned up and the doctor finished giving her the stitches, the nurses changed her bedding. One nurse brought a heating pad for Sara’s stomach and a glass of juice that she made her drink. She still had an IV hooked up to her. The nurse commented that Sara needed to stay hydrated, so they would leave the IV in for a little while longer. As the nurse chatted about everything that was happening, Sara remained mute. I had never seen her like that. I was terrified.
When the nurse finally left the room, Sara and I were alone. I absentmindedly pulled a chair over and sat down, never letting go of her hand. I was afraid I might collapse if I didn’t sit down. We didn’t speak. I knew I should mumble something optimistic, but I couldn’t. I kept thinking, we are young and healthy. How could there be something wrong with our baby? What if he died? I couldn’t handle another death.
It was so eerily quiet in the room, I was afraid to breathe. The silence made me even more anxious. I took Sara’s hand in both of mine and rested my head on it. This was not how this scene was supposed to play out.
I don’t know how long I sat there. I do know that Sara continued to stare into space, saying nothing. I closed my eyes, willing all of this craziness to go away. I hated not knowing what was going on. I prayed for our baby to be all right. I thought of my dad. I remembered the moment when I’d gotten the feeling from him that I was doing the right thing by having this baby. I’d also had the overwhelming sensation that I was having a son. It was the only sign I’d received from him after he’d died, and I cherished it. Now he was the one I was thinking about. I prayed to him for a sign that our baby was going to be OK.
1
Sara
I knew I would never be a good mom. It wasn’t in my genes. I don’t know why I ever thought I could have a healthy baby. My mom was a shitty mother. She was self-absorbed and narcissistic. She never loved us the way a mom should love her children. She hired nannies and housekeepers to raise us because she was too busy doing her own thing. I didn’t learn anything about being a good mother from her. She was a terrible role model. Eventually our dad got custody of my sister Emily and me and he did the best he could. What the hell did I know about raising a child?
I should have never forgotten to take my birth-control pill. It was careless. Now I brought a sick or maybe even a dead baby into this world. I didn’t deserve a healthy child. I was too young. I was too selfish. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. This was the worst day of my life.
Labor was so painful. I never expected it to be this bad. Why did it hurt so much? I still hurt. In fact everything hurt. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. The tears wouldn’t come. I didn’t understand why such a beautiful experience had to be so excruciating. Katharine had warned me it would be painful. I’d thought she was exaggerating. She wasn’t. It really hurt, and I felt like I was going to die. In fact there was a part of me that wanted to die. If something was wrong with the baby, I didn’t know what I would do. My mom said she always knew I would screw up my life. Maybe she was right.
I couldn’t speak. I wanted to say something to Jackson, but I couldn’t. I felt paralyzed by fear. It was a horrible feeling, but I couldn’t make it go away. If this baby died, I didn’t know what I’d do. Jackson was such a great guy; he deserved better than me. If I couldn’t give him a healthy baby, what good was I? He’d already lost his dad. He couldn’t lose his son too.
I loved Jackson so much. I wasn’t sure I would ever love a man as much as I loved him. But we were young. So young. He’d fall in love again. I knew he would blame me for losing our baby. I tried to take care of myself, but I must have done something wrong. I knew I would blame myself for as long as I live. I’d been too scared…had too many doubts…and now I was paying the price.
Jackson looked so sad. I wished I could make him smile, but that was impossible. I may never smile again. Our baby was blue. Why was he blue? This wasn’t fair. How could this have happened? I wanted to scream.
What was taking the doctor so long? She said she’d be right back. She lied. Everyone lies. What is wrong with people? Why couldn’t she just tell me my baby was dead? I couldn’t take this. I wanted to kick and scream like an errant child. Why couldn’t I move? Or speak? Something was definitely wrong with me. I couldn’t take this any longer. I never knew I could be so scared. If my baby died, I hoped I died too.
2
Emily
I feel like such an ass. Here I was feeling jealous because my baby sister was having a baby and now the baby might die. What the hell was wrong with me? My step-mom Katharine just told my dad and I that something was wrong with the baby. How is that possible? Sara and Jackson are young, healthy people who love each other. It never occurred to me that the baby might be born sick - or even worse.
If I could just be honest with myself, I would accept the fact that my sister has a much better relationship with her man then I do with mine and it really bothers me. Sara has this great guy who she is passionately in love with. She has shared more about their sex life then I ever wanted to know. Actually, that’s a lie. I am fascinated by their intense and spontaneous sex life. I just wish I had a fraction of that passion in mine. Sadly, I’m living with my controlling and absolutely boring boyfriend, Martin. I admit it; I am jealous of what my sister has. She is so happy. She is also satisfied in ways that are unknown to me. I’ve never experienced such pleasure with my boyfriend before. I am not happy and I am definitely not satisfied. Unfortunately, at the rate I’m going, I’ll be stuck with Martin forever and never get the chance to experience the kind of passion that my sister has with Jackson.
But none of that means anything if this baby dies. I don’t usually pray, but this is the kind of situation that truly calls for prayer. Please God, don’t let this baby die. I’m sorry about my reaction to this pregnancy. I love Sara. I love Jackson. Please let this baby be all right.
3
Jackson
It felt like we waited for hours. I’m not sure how long we sat there hoping someone would come in and tell us what happened to our baby, one way or the other.
“Look who I have here.” My mother’s voice brought me out of my fog and into the present.
“What is it, Mom?” I asked her as I lifted my head up to see what she was referring to. She was holding something in her arms. It looked like a baby wrapped in a blanket. Could it be? Could my baby have survived? Oh my God, I thought. My prayers were answered.
“I have s
omeone I want you to meet.” She walked over to the bed and showed her bundle to Sara. Sara looked at the baby in total disbelief. She didn’t move. She had no expression on her face. She just stared at the baby.
“Is he dead?” she asked my mother quietly.
My mom had the biggest smile on her face, which was encouraging. “No, sweetheart. He’s actually asleep. It’s hard work making your way into our world. The nurse just brought him to me and said it was safe for me to hold him since it was only a momentary scare. Apparently your baby got tangled in the umbilical cord coming out and was deprived of oxygen for a short period of time. They were able to untangle the cord and give him some oxygen quickly enough so the deprivation didn’t hurt him at all. They did a battery of tests, and he appears to be totally fine and completely healthy. Congratulations, you two. You are the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.”
Sara started crying so uncontrollably she could barely breathe. I stood up and looked at my mom in disbelief. “He’s really OK?” I asked her as I walked around the bed to get a closer look at the baby. I couldn’t believe it. I prayed I wasn’t dreaming and that this was really happening.
“He sure is. In fact he’s probably one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Want to hold him?” she asked Sara.
“I’m scared,” she whimpered between sobs.
My mother put the baby on Sara’s chest. “Don’t be, sweetheart. You did a great job. You need to calm down. You don’t want to upset him. Look, he’s fine. Oh, he just opened his eyes. He wants his mommy. Don’t be afraid. C’mon, sweetie, he’s waiting to meet you,” Mom said encouragingly.
Sara took the baby and stared at him in obvious disbelief. The tears were still falling down her face. I didn’t know what to think or to say. My baby was OK. He was really OK. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. Both Sara and I continued to stare at the baby. I couldn’t believe he was alive and healthy.
“So,” my mom said, “Does this little angel have a name?”
Sara looked at me for consent before she spoke. I nodded. She knew I completely agreed on the name. She wiped the tears away from her face before she said anything. “Katharine, meet Brian. The BR is for your late husband, Bryce, and the Ian is for my dad. His middle name will be Jensen, after me, and his last name will be Collins. Brian Jensen Collins, I’d like to introduce you to your grandmother Kiki.”