by M. E. Nesser
I looked at my mom, and now it was time for her to be teary-eyed. “You named him after your father? That is so special. Thank you so much. That means the world to me.”
“After Jackson got the sign from his dad that he was having a son, it became obvious we had to include him in the naming of our baby. I’m glad you approve. Thank you so much for being here, Katharine. We couldn’t have done this without you,” Sara said between sobs. Now we were all crying. I never expected to be so overwrought with emotion, but I most definitely was.
“I love you, Sara Jensen, and I can’t tell you how happy I am that you gave me a grandson and Jackson a son. Would it be OK if I brought your dad and sister in to see you? They’ve been going crazy waiting to hear how the baby is doing.”
“Oh my God, of course! Please go get them,” Sara said. I had forgotten they were waiting down the hall this whole time, and apparently so had Sara.
We watched my mom scurry out. I looked back at my beautiful girlfriend and our incredible boy. I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling. It was too much. I kissed Sara on the lips and then the baby on the forehead. This was such a magical moment. Sara and I looked at one another and smiled.
A few minutes later, my mom, Ian and Emily walked into the room. Ian ran over to his daughter and hugged her. “How’s my baby girl doing?” he asked Sara.
“I’m good now, Daddy,” she told him. “It was so scary. The baby was blue when he came out. I thought he was dead. Thank God he’s all right. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’m so glad you’re here.” Her crying was controlled, but she was still overwrought with emotions. I couldn’t keep the tears from falling either. It had been quite a roller coaster ride.
Ian kissed her forehead and looked at the baby. “There is no place I would rather be. So can you introduce me to this little fellow?” he asked playfully.
“Daddy, please meet Brian Jensen Collins. Brian, this is your poppa. What do you think?” Sara asked her dad, obviously needing his approval.
“I think you did a great job. He is beautiful. Did you incorporate my name and Jackson’s father’s?” he asked.
“Sure did. Pretty clever, huh? I can’t believe you figured it out so quickly. Oh Daddy, the delivery was horrible. The cord was wrapped three times around his neck. His face was completely blue. I thought he was dead. It feels like such a miracle that he’s alive. And the doctor said he is OK. They did a few tests on him already, and they said everything is fine. I can’t believe it. Can you?” Sara asked her dad with a shaky voice.
“Of course I can. He is beautiful. How are you feeling?” He looked at her worriedly. I didn’t blame him. She looked completely strung out and very pale.
“Better now that I know Brian is all right. Childbirth really hurt, though. In fact it hurt way more than I thought it would. I’m so happy it’s over.”
We all stared at the baby. He looked absolutely beautiful and totally fine. Thank God.
Emily was standing at the end of the bed holding on to Sara’s feet. She looked like she had been crying too. I didn’t even notice she was there at first. She looked too overwhelmed to speak. Everyone had been worried that the baby wouldn’t make it. It was obvious that it was stressful on the entire family. My mom and I were on one side of the bed. Ian was on the other. Our family circled Sara and the baby. I could feel the love in the room.
After a few minutes, a lactation consultant came into the room and introduced herself to us. Her name was Victoria. She was a pleasant looking woman dressed in light pink scrubs. She walked over to the bed. “Are you ready to try nursing this little guy?” she asked Sara.
“Uh, I guess. I don’t know what to do, though,” she admitted honestly.
“Don’t worry,” the nurse said, “the baby knows what to do.” She took Brian and repositioned him next to Sara’s breast. The baby started to move his mouth like he was looking for something to eat. It was amazing to witness. I reached for my mother’s hand for support. Once again, I was feeling completely overwhelmed by the entire experience. Sara lifted her gown out of the way, and the baby searched for her nipple. It was fascinating.
“How does he know to do that?” I had to ask.
The nurse smiled at me. “There is an incredible connection between a mother and child that is difficult to explain. The baby just knows. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Beautiful doesn’t begin to describe it. Thank you for all of your help.” I was so relieved that my son was healthy, I started to cry. When I looked up, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I guessed I wasn’t the only one who was overwhelmed. Sara and I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. It was a miracle.
4
Emily
I was shocked when my younger sister, Sara, told me she was pregnant. One day she unexpectedly dropped by the law office where I was interning. I was very surprised to see her. As I was making copies of some legal documents in the copier room, she told me she was expecting. I tried to be excited and supportive, but it was difficult.
Sara went on the pill when she was sixteen. I always knew she was wild and impetuous, but I never expected her to be careless enough to get herself knocked up at such a young age. Yet here we were nine months later, looking at this seven-pound infant. Everyone says that babies are a gift, and I can understand why. He was precious. That doesn’t mean I’m still not conflicted over the situation.
I was extremely relieved when Katharine came to the waiting area to tell us that the baby was healthy. No matter how unsure I was about this pregnancy, I never wanted anything to be wrong with the child. Seeing the baby elicited a slew of new emotions in me. I was happy for them. I truly was. But I was also feeling extremely agitated.
There was a large part of me that was envious of my little sister, and I was having a really hard time dealing with that emotion. Sara and Jackson had an incredible relationship. They were good friends. They had a lot of fun together. They were constantly laughing. I have no idea how they could find so much to laugh about. They also had intense sexual chemistry. Sara was very open with me about her intimate relationship with Jackson. I was jealous of them. I never experienced that kind of connection with a man before. Even while she was pregnant, Sara told me about the wild sex they had in the most bizarre places. I couldn’t fathom doing most of the things she told me about with my boyfriend. Our lives were so different.
My boyfriend, Martin, and I have been living together for almost a year, but we have been dating for three. I just finished my first year of law school, and he was wrapping up his first year in med school. We started dating in college. He was a nice enough guy, and I guess it’s fair to say I loved him. We seemed to be compatible enough. I didn’t think I was in love with him, though. He was as predictable and boring as the day was long. I knew he felt a lot of pressure to do well in school, so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I had to pray that things would improve once we finished school.
I knew I hadn’t been completely honest about my feelings for him, but there was a large part of me that believed it would be better to be with him then to be alone. I now know that was a mistake. As soon as we moved in together, I wanted out. I felt claustrophobic in our small apartment, and I daydreamed about living on my own and dating other guys. It had been a very long year, and I felt completely trapped.
To say our sex life was dismal is an understatement. We had sex twice a week. Always on the same days. Always in the same positions. It was routine and completely unsatisfying. When we had sex in the missionary position, I felt like a priest was poking me a few times to complete an exorcism. Why a priest, you may wonder? He grunted a few times, said, “Oh My God,” and collapsed.
When we did it doggie style, I felt nothing but a strong desire for it to end. He had no idea what body part on a woman needed to be stimulated for pleasure. He found oral stimulation on a woman unhygienic, although he had requested I go down on him a few times. I told him I had TMJ that gets aggravated with fellatio so I didn’t hav
e to go down on him at all. He believed my explanation and never asked again. I didn’t understand why it would be OK for me to go down on him if he wasn’t willing to go down on me.
Whenever I tried to be creative or spontaneous, I got shut down. When I tried to initiate it on an off night during the week, he turned me away. Foreplay was exactly the same every time. A little touch here, a little rub here, and bam, he was in me and it was over before it even started. If I had any pent-up sensations that needed quelling when he finished, I hid in the bathroom so I could finish myself off. When I was in the apartment alone, I crawled under the covers with my vibrator to get some relief. I may not be as wild as my sister, but I had some fundamental needs that were not getting met.
There was another first-year law student named Chad who had shown interest in me. He was six four and built like a Greek statue. He had blond hair and dark-blue eyes. He had the most adorable smile that was accentuated by two perfectly placed dimples. He had an incredibly casual demeanor for a law student, which was so refreshing. He had moved to New York from California in order to go to law school. We were in the same classes and were even in a study group together. Last year, he made a point of telling me he was single. I begrudgingly told him I was living with someone.
“So, Miss Emily, are you taken?” he asked me one day in a jovial manner.
My little voice was screaming, “Just say no!”
“Um, sadly, yes. I mean yes.” I wanted to lie and tell him no. I really did. I couldn’t do it, though. My mom cheated on my dad. It was wrong. I didn’t want to be like her. But I was so miserable with Martin. It was hard for me to admit I was in a relationship because I didn’t want to be in one. “We actually live together.” It was painful to admit.
Chad looked sheepishly at me with his big blue eyes. “That is unfortunate for me. If things ever change, please let me know. I would love to get to know you better.” He gave me the most endearing smile and walked away. Every part of my being was beating myself up for telling him about Martin. I finally had a hot guy hit on me, and I shut him down. I wanted to tell him I was available, but I couldn’t.
It was strange having any guy hit on me. I hadn’t had another man approach me in years. And this was more than an ordinary guy. He was hot. Really hot. I had never had a really hot guy hit on me before. It was flattering. Martin was average looking at best. Yet next to this guy, he wasn’t even remotely desirable. It’s funny how a lousy sex life changed how I viewed my boyfriend. If I were totally honest, I’d have to say I wasn’t even attracted to Martin anymore.
To have a sexy man show interest in me felt incredible. I was always careful not to do anything that would bring too much attention my way. I know I have always been pretty simple looking, but it was deliberate on my part. Being invisible was safer. There was enough drama in our family growing up. I didn’t have the energy to add to it.
I never was interested in doing much to my hair but pulling it away from my face. Mascara and Chap Stick were the extent of my makeup regime. I dressed in dark colors most of the time because I always wanted to stay under the radar. Sara was the flamboyant one. I never craved attention. Now I was completely thrown off guard by this beautiful man. He was blatantly attracted to me, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
Martin was decent looking—at least I’d thought so when we’d first started dating. He was almost six foot, which was much shorter than Chad. He wore a very short, professional hair style. Since he couldn’t tolerate one hair being out of place, he had his hair cut every three weeks. He wore glasses and dressed extremely preppy. His clothes were always ironed and matched perfectly. Blue jeans, sweat pants, and soft wrinkled t-shirts did not exist in his wardrobe. He was very slender, which I always thought I preferred. Until Chad. He had muscles busting through his fitted T-shirts that made me drool in lustful admiration. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have sex with him. I doubted it would be boring. I had never had an orgasm with a man before. I bet Chad could change all of that. Jesus, I sounded like a horny teenager!
As I looked at my sister, I was overwrought with emotion. She and Jackson had a baby conceived in love. Would I ever have that? It was obvious how passionate they felt toward one another, and I was pretty confident the baby would bring them even closer. I was supposed to be happy for them. I wasn’t; I was utterly conflicted.
Everyone surrounded the bed and watched as Sara nursed the baby. It was miraculous how natural the process looked. The only thing I ever dreamed about was being successful. I’d wanted to be an attorney for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t say I’d dreamed about being a mother. Our mother showed little interest in Sara and me. Her neglect left a bad taste in my mouth. I wouldn’t want to be an absentee mom to a child. I knew I would want to be an integral part of my child’s life. Our mother was extremely self-absorbed and left the child rearing to others. It was very hard on both of us girls.
My stepmom, Katharine, on the other hand, was the epitome of what a caring mom was like. She did an amazing job with Jackson and had opened up her home and heart to both Sara and me. That is what I heard moms were supposed to be like. Sadly, it wasn’t my reality.
And now my little sister was a mother. It was surreal.
When the baby finished nursing, Katharine helped Sara reposition the baby over her shoulder so she could gently burp him. It was obvious Sara didn’t have much experience holding a baby. She looked petrified. She tapped his back gently while supporting his head. This child mesmerized everyone.
Sara looked up at me and smiled. She looked so different. “Hey, Em, want to hold him?” she asked me.
Oh my. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d held a baby. The thought terrified me. “No, I think Jackson should be the next in line to hold him. Thank you, though.” I wasn’t quite ready yet. The sheer knowledge of my sister having a baby was weird enough.
I watched as Jackson sat next to Sara on the bed. Sara cautiously handed the bundle to him. Katharine gave Jackson a little advice on how to hold him and the importance of supporting his neck and head. Jackson looked very nervous as he took the baby from Sara. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever held a baby before. Once the baby was secure in his arms, he looked instantly comfortable. I saw him look at Sara and then at his mom. A very beautiful and serene smile appeared on his face. He quietly said, “Dad was right. I have a son, and he is OK.”
No one said anything. Katharine and Sara had tears in their eyes. When I looked back at Jackson, tears were flowing down his face. We all knew he had received a sign from his deceased father. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but he and Sara did have a healthy boy. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe it wasn’t. All I did know was they had made a beautiful child together.
This was the most miraculous thing I had ever witnessed. I was thankful to be a part of it all. I knew at that moment I had to set all of my insecurities aside and be happy for them. My sister had a baby. I had a nephew. I had always been a skeptic, but I think this experience changed all of that. Today, for the first time in my life, I believed in miracles.
5
Sara
The three days in the hospital were a blur. I slept only a little bit here and there. Brian liked to nurse every two to three hours. I couldn’t believe how exhausted I was. Nursing a baby was a full-time job.
When I wasn’t nursing him, I was trying to drink enough fluids to stay hydrated. Every time I would fall asleep, someone would come into the room, or the baby would make noises and wake me up. I had never been so tired in my entire life. I had also never been so happy.
Jackson e-mailed all of his professors and told them he’d had a baby and would miss one week of school. They were much more accommodating than he had expected them to be. He was able to do his assignments online so he didn’t get behind. He stayed with me the entire time. His mom brought a change of clothes and his computer to the hospital. One of the orderlies brought in a cot for him to sleep on. Since he couldn’t feed the baby, he insisted on chang
ing him. He tried to let me sleep as much as possible even though I could tell he was exhausted as well.
I’m not sure I could love anyone as much as I loved both Jackson and our baby. I felt like my life had completely changed. I was more determined than ever to be the best mom possible. My mother was wrong. I could do this.
The doctor checked on the baby and me on my third day in the hospital. “How are we feeling?” she asked everyone in the room.
“We are all great!” I replied enthusiastically.
Dr. Hadley smiled at us. “Well, it’s time I bring Brian upstairs so he can be circumcised. I’m glad I was specially trained to circumcise babies, because it makes me feel like I’ve been a part of the entire process from the beginning to the end. When I finish, we will begin the paperwork to have you released. How does that sound?”
“Amazing!” I told her. “I can’t wait to go home. It’s impossible to sleep around this place.”
The doctor laughed. “I understand. You’ll be in your own bed before you know it. Jackson, would you like to come upstairs with me and wait while I get the baby circumcised? It’s not required, but many fathers like to be nearby when I do it. You’ll be able to hold him immediately after while he is crying. ”
I saw Jackson panic. He looked at me and then back at the doctor. “I didn’t know I’d be allowed upstairs. Sara, do you think I should go with Dr. Hadley?”
“Only if you think you can handle it without passing out. Dr. Hadley doesn’t need two babies on her hands.” I couldn’t help but laugh. After what I had gone through, being with the baby after he gets circumcised couldn’t be that bad.