by Cait Ashwood
Audrey began humming one of the songs she’d sung to him to get him to sleep when he was being fussy, not quite trusting her voice to sing yet. As she got further along, the words slowly came back to her and she began to sing softly. She didn’t know how many times she repeated the song, but she didn’t stop until every inch of him that she could get to was clean. The rest would have to wait until either it was safe to move him, or--
I can’t finish that thought. The first tear fell, splattering on the back of his calf without warning. She stared at it, uncomprehending. The pup bumped against her calf, looking up at her. She stared down at it, blinking back more tears. She pet the pup, desperate to soothe something, most likely herself.
Her hands were cold from the water, and soon enough she put the pup back down, rummaging through the cabinets until she found some blankets. She carefully draped them over her son, tucking them under his feet to keep in the warm air. The pup ran toward the door at one point but apparently decided not to investigate whatever had caught her attention. Audrey returned to her stool and took Rowan’s hand in hers again. Whatever battle he was fighting, whatever damage this toxin had done to his body, he wouldn’t fight it alone. For the first time in sixteen years, she was going to be there, and neither hell nor all of the taint in the world could budge her from that spot.
Medics came in every few hours to check on him, but they couldn’t tell her anything that her own eyes hadn’t already seen. There was still no sign of fever, but there wasn’t any indication that he would wake, either.
He remained in a comatose state.
Audrey dozed fitfully through the night, the pup warm in her lap and keeping her company. Someone brought food and water for her, though she fed most of it to the dog. She stirred around midnight to make herself some tea with honey to calm her throat so she could sing to him again. It was likely her imagination, but he’d seemed less death-like when she’d sang to him earlier.
Brana came in and switched out the stool for a chair with a back, though Audrey only saw her daughter leave. She settled down into the chair, draped a blanket across her lap, and scooped up the pup. Both hands held her mug of tea, which she sipped slowly, eyes never leaving Rowan.
“I just want to see you smile again. You had the most infectious smile as a baby. No one could even look at you and manage to not grin back.”
There was no response, but she was hardly expecting one.
The next two days passed in much the same manner: her watching ever-attentive for any change in his condition, and him lying unmoving on the bed. She must have dozed off again at some point, but a soft, repetitive sound eventually stirred her awake.
The pup was licking Rowan’s hand, but not with the careless abandon of a puppy. This was dedicated, purposeful in its intent.
“Stop that.” Audrey popped her fingers lightly on the pup’s nose. She scooted away a bit but didn’t stop her licking, eyes warily flicking up to Audrey’s face every few seconds.
Audrey took a deep breath, prying the fingers of her other hand away from the tea mug and setting it on the bedside table in preparation for scooping up the pup.
“I said, stop th--”
Rowan’s fingers twitched under the pup’s attentive licking. It seemed like a random movement at first, with no purpose, but Audrey watched his fingers, not even daring to blink lest she miss another movement.
A low groan sounded and Audrey’s eyes widened. The pup’s tail began to wag, gently, but the licking didn’t cease. Audrey waited, afraid to interrupt whatever might be happening. Rowan’s hand jerked, and though it didn’t seem like he had full control of himself, it was definitely an intentional movement. The pup skittered away a few steps, watching him with rapt attention.
“Rowan?” Her voice trembled and her heart beat in her throat, making it hard to breathe or swallow.
His movements stilled, and the pup’s tail slowly stopped wagging.
“No.” Audrey stared, then grabbed his hand. “No, don’t you leave me again. Not when you’re this close. Rowan, please.” She begged, she pleaded, but he didn’t move again for what seemed like ages. Then, miraculously, his head began to turn to face her.
Audrey glanced at the door, wishing she could call someone. She didn’t want to startle Rowan with a shout though, not when he seemed so fragile.
He sighed heavily when he finally got his head turned the right way, but his eyes remained closed. “Who...” his voice was a croaking whisper.
“You don’t have to speak, sweetheart.” Her hand flew to his forehead, simultaneously checking for fever and brushing his hair away from his eyes. His eyelids flickered and his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath.
“Audrey?”
He was barely conscious, but she would have been deaf to miss the disappointment, no, disgust that accompanied her name. She pulled back as if burned, clutching her hand to her chest. Slowly, the fact that he’d called her by name and not ‘mother’ dawned on her. I haven’t been a mother to him in a long time, though. I can’t begrudge him that.
“I--I’m here.” She didn’t know what else to say.
One eyelid cracked open and an eye so similar to her own stared back at her. “Why?”
She blinked a few times at the question, almost not even understanding it. She answered the only way she knew how, with the truth. “Because you’re my son.”
His single eye trapped her in a gaze so filled with loathing that she couldn’t move. It was only when he closed his eye and slowly began trying to move that she could break the spell.
“Don’t move around just yet. I’ll--I’ll get Zeche and the medics. They’ll know what to do.”
Leaving the room felt like an escape, like there was finally air in the world again. Her footsteps were light and quick, but the medics weren’t far away. There’d been two stationed at the entrance to the infirmary since Rowan’s arrival.
“He’s awake.” The words seemed woefully insufficient, but the men rose from their table at the same time. One nodded as he passed her, going back to check on Rowan.
“Would you like me to fetch his mentor?” The other seemed uncomfortable in her presence, and upon closer scrutiny, seemed quite young.
“Um, yes, please. If you’d be so kind.”
She wandered back to his room while waiting for Zeche, stopping at the doorway. She didn’t feel welcome in there anymore, and if her presence was going to stress him, then staying away might be for the best.
Zeche, normally noiseless in his movements, made no attempts to be quiet. He seemed to barrel down the hall, eyes on the door to Rowan’s room. He paused when he saw Audrey, questions in his eyes.
“He’s awake, but... I don’t think he wants me in there.” Audrey crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself.
Zeche nodded and slipped into the room, going to Rowan’s side. Audrey blessed him for leaving the door open so she could still see him.
Zeche and the medic spoke back and forth, then apparently decided that Rowan could be moved. They helped him flip over onto his back, which caused a great deal of grunting and cursing. No mother enjoyed hearing her son cuss, especially in pain, but right now it was sound, and sound meant that he was okay.
Whether he was intentionally ignoring her or simply too busy rejoining the world of the living, Audrey couldn’t say. She was so focused on him that she didn’t even hear Amelina walking up behind her.
“Audrey?” The woman’s voice was hesitant.
“Hmm?” Her attention from her son didn’t waver.
“The Institute has been calling for a meeting with an Order presence for the past two days. I didn’t want to say anything until we knew if he was going to come around or not, but--”
“I’m not going.”
Amelina coughed. “You’re what?”
Audrey swallowed, shaking her head. “I’m not going. I can’t.”
Lina peered past her into the room, where Rowan sat on the edge of the cot while Zeche crouched in fron
t of him. The other medic was hovering nearby for support. “I think he’s going to be fine, Audrey.”
“It’s not about him or whether he’s going to be fine or not, Lina. I’ve put the Order first in every aspect of my life.” Tears moistened her eyes but she steeled her resolve, her hands clenching into fists at her side. “When do I get to be a mother? Lina, he hates me, and I’m not guaranteed a lifetime to fix it. Lily ran away, my son hates me--the fact that Brana is still here speaks more to her character than mine.” She shook her head slowly. “I’m done, Lina. I can’t do this anymore.”
Amelina sighed, holding a sheaf of papers to her chest. She didn’t say anything for a while, both women watching the men in the adjoining room. “The last election was a year and a half ago. There won’t be another for three and a half more years.”
“I’ll start training Brana to take my place, and we’ll hold an emergency election when she’s ready.” Audrey winced as Rowan toppled to the side, Zeche barely catching him in time. “Right now, my place is with my children.”
“What about the meeting?” Lina sounded nervous, but the woman wasn’t arguing with her. Audrey had served longer than any First except Ellen, so there was hardly any cause for complaint.
“You’re First Advisor. You can go in my stead.” The woman’s lengthy pause made Audrey actually think about the words. “Do you need a letter or something stating the same?” Tops had stepped down about six years ago, and Audrey wasn’t really expecting any trouble from Ace when it came to things like this. She was rather surprised he hadn’t made it down here to see his son. Now that she thought about it, that seemed more than just odd. There was something wrong, something big. Hound hadn’t been back either, though Brana had mentioned Jasper recently. What is going on out there?
Audrey sighed. “Let me just... talk to him, first. Then I’ll go, unless he wants me to stay.” Her tone made it very clear that she doubted the latter.
“All right. I need an answer for them in about twenty minutes.”
She nodded. “If you don’t hear from me by then, just go.”
Amelina turned to leave and Audrey faced the men in the room, taking a deep breath as she slowly put one foot over the threshold, feeling more like she was leaping a mile with each step. The medic looked up at her entrance and excused himself, muttering some instructions about taking things slow.
Zeche watched her appraisingly as she approached, still crouched in front of Rowan. The boy turned his head just enough to see her out of his peripheral vision. He said something under his breath to Zeche, who nodded and stood.
He headed toward the exit, pausing when he came abreast of Audrey. “This doesn’t change anything, you know.”
Audrey swallowed, eyes narrowing. “I’m aware.”
Zeche nodded. “He took his oaths.”
Audrey closed her eyes, fighting off the sense of overwhelming loss. It was official, then. Rowan belonged with Zeche and had chosen that life. But was he really given another choice? There were so many questions, and she had a feeling she wouldn’t get to ask any of them.
When Zeche left, he closed the door behind him, leaving them alone in the room. Rowan didn’t look at her, and she wasn’t sure what else to do. Restless, she began returning the room to rights, putting the chair back where it belonged and cleaning up what little evidence of her stay was left in the room. The entire time, he said nothing and refused to acknowledge her.
What did one say to a son that was a stranger? Sixteen years was a long time, and they’d never exchanged words as adults. Audrey stood with her hands on the back of the chair, staring at the table, trying to think of something to say that would convey how much she’d missed him, how concerned she was over his wellbeing. Did Zeche treat him fairly? Did he have everything he needed? Had he found a young lady he fancied? What were his favorite things? What did he wish he could do, but didn’t have the skills? And maybe more important than anything, was he happy?
“That song you were singing. I know it.” His gaze was on his interlocked hands, but he was speaking to her at least.
Audrey cleared her throat. “I used to sing it to you as a baby when you were fussy.” He didn’t say anything and she felt a pressing need to fill the silence. “We did a lot of traveling and were on the run for most of the first year, so my voice was often the only constant thing in your life.”
“Did you sing it to her, too?” His voice was curiously monotone.
Her? Does he mean Lily? “Lily was always happiest with Ace, though I suppose there were times I sang to both of you.”
His voice turned bitter. “And Brana, did she hear it too?”
Audrey looked away. “I never sang to Brana.”
He finally looked up at her. “Why not?”
She shifted her weight between her feet. “Because I never sang again after he took you away from me.”
Rowan was quiet for a while. The minutes were ticking away and Amelina wanted an answer, but Audrey didn’t care. He was speaking to her, and she’d wait for all eternity if it made a difference.
“I went back and saw it, you know. The day Zeche claimed me.”
“You... what?” That was without question the worst day of her life. The thought that he’d seen it somehow... it explained why he hated her.
“Zeche didn’t tell you I’m a Phaser, huh?” He ran his hand gingerly through his hair, avoiding eye contact. “I guess I get it. War with the Ravens wouldn’t have been good, especially with so many kids around.” He shrugged, trying to downplay the situation. “But why did it have to be me?”
“That’s something I’ve asked myself every day since.” Audrey pulled out the chair and sat in it. “I’d like to tell you everything he did, if you’ll hear me out.”
Rowan shifted on the bed, glancing around the room. “Got any clothes around here?”
“Oh. Oh!” She rose, moving to the closet. She shuffled through the rack of plain white outfits, designed to fit loosely. She glanced over her shoulder at him, estimating his size, then brought the garments over.
“I’ll just... wait outside while you change.”
He grunted a response, but had the pants most of the way on before she even reached the door. Audrey paused with her hand on the doorknob, listening as he hissed in pain. The shirt seemed to be giving him trouble.
“Should I find something that buttons up?” She didn’t turn, trying to respect his privacy.
More shifting. “Nah, I’ve got the blanket. You can come back.”
His face was drawn and his muscles were tense, but he’d managed to get himself mostly covered. He’s going to be a heartbreaker if he isn’t already.
Audrey settled herself back into her chair, gathering her thoughts. “I’d like to tell you what happened. I want you to know that I’m not trying to make excuses. If anything, I just want you to be able to understand just how much I owed Zeche when he asked for you.”
Rowan shrugged, and Audrey took that as permission to continue.
“The first moon I was here, none of us knew to expect me to be struck. I was a Chosen, so it was impossible. The Midwife guiding our group was actually working for Zaddicus, so she didn’t make things any more pleasant. I was left until feral, and woke up the next morning with no clue what had happened.” Audrey swallowed, remembering how lost she’d felt. “She refused to tell me who had been sent in. I was a widow already by the time I came here, and felt I had betrayed my husband’s memory.”
Rowan nodded, like maybe he could relate to that on some level. She took that as a good sign.
“I withdrew from the entire party. Gretta told me I couldn’t confide in my fellow Chosen, and that the Seeker wasn’t important. I had no one to talk to, and my trust in the men was shaken. They hadn’t done anything wrong, mind you, but...” Audrey was at a loss as to explain the emotions.
“But it sucks not knowing where you come from, or what happened to you. I get that.”
Oh, my son. She swallowed past a lump in her t
hroat. “Zeche was brought on around that time, to limit my exposure to the Seekers. He was a guard at first, then became a companion, and eventually a confidant. I could tell him things I couldn’t tell the others, and he understood.” She chuckled a bit. “Even when I got myself into trouble looking for answers, he was always there to bail me out. When I finally figured out what could be happening, he took the investigation into his own hands and put together the pieces I’d found until we had a cohesive picture of what had happened to the Order. What was more, those same ideas pointed to a plot to kidnap the members of my own group.” She shook her head bitterly, remembering the danger. “With Gretta working directly for Zaddicus and already knowing what I was, the threat was immense.”
“So Zad had a mole in your party, watching everything? How is that even possible?”
Audrey shrugged. “The world had forgotten much that the Order once knew. No one knew about the taint sight anymore, much less how to use it. The Seekers searched for Chosen, and that was the only sight they needed.”
“Wow.” Rowan shook his head in disbelief.
“He came to me one night, said danger was imminent and I had to leave now, no questions asked. He snuck me out of Calanon through the sewers. By this time, I’d identified Gretta and Hound as taint users. I didn’t trust any of the Seekers anymore because they all took orders from Hound. When he brought me out of the sewers and Ace was there, I panicked. I assumed he’d set me up.”
Rowan’s eyes furrowed. “But Ace is my dad. I mean, didn’t you--” Rowan waved his hands in the air, avoiding the actual words.
“You and Lily didn’t come along until the next moon. Zeche left me in Ace’s care at that point. While he’d been instrumental in keeping me alive up until then, I figured I didn’t owe him all that much.”
Rowan nodded in agreement. “So, what changed?”
“Ace and I were on the run for a long time, but eventually Zad’s men caught up with us. He had agents among the Seekers that used the free-flow of information to spy for him. They caught us coming out of the caves. I was held and interrogated beneath the Institute for about a month. Zad’s man, Kendrick, decided he had no use for me, right after bringing Hound down as a backup interrogator. Kendrick poisoned me with the taint and... that’s when I found out I was pregnant.”