“That’s true. But, the overall vote should end up being in our favor.”
“Too bad it’s not a real bill.”
“Who knows? It could be one day.”
“True,” I smiled. I was trying really hard to be happy and outgoing, especially because I was with her, but it was hard. My mind was on my knee. It was starting to hurt more.
“Okay, what’s wrong?” Chandler asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I know I haven’t known you that long, but I know you well enough to know that something is bothering you.”
“Nothing is wrong. I swear. I’m just tired.”
“You’re lying,” she replied with a smirk. “I didn’t believe you the first time you said it. There’s no way you would leave practice early just because you were tired. So, what’s wrong?”
I sighed and looked down at my hands. Why did I have to be so obvious all of the time? For someone who wanted to act, I really needed some work on covering up my emotions. “I fell down during soccer practice. I hit my knee.”
She instantly got closer to me, concern etched on her face. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I shrugged. “Coach just overacted. I did too. It’s fine.”
“Faith, I can tell you’re lying. You don’t have to do that. If it’s bothering you, you can tell me.”
I couldn’t take the look she was giving me. She was so caring and thoughtful. I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. Why was I being so emotional today? I didn’t usually cry like that.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Chandler said as she put her arm around me and pulled me into a side hug, her head resting against mine. She held it there for a moment. She turned her head and met my gaze. “Is it bothering you?”
“A little. I’m pretty sure it’s just sore.”
“Why don’t we try putting some ice on it,” she suggested. “My mom can take a look at it when she gets home if you want.”
“Sure.”
She smiled sweetly as she got up from the floor and made her way towards the kitchen. She grabbed a bag and filled it with ice.
“By the way, you really need to work on your lying,” Chandler smiled as she sat down in front of me. “You really suck at it.”
I laughed as she gently placed the bag of ice onto my knee. “I can do it,” I said.
“No, let me,” she said as her eyes met mine. Those eyes always got me. “You know, you’re allowed to fall apart sometimes. You don’t always have to have everything together.”
“I don’t like falling apart. It’s not always easy putting the pieces back together.”
“It’s easier if you have a little help. It’s okay to accept help sometimes, Faith.”
“I do,” I challenged.
“There you go, lying again.” She sounded like she was scolding me, but then she followed up with her infamous smile. The smile I loved so much. I could stare at that smile forever.
I didn’t reply. I just gazed into her eyes and she gazed back. I should just tell her how I feel. There was no way that she didn’t feel it too. Maybe she was just scared to say it out loud, just like I was.
“It’s feeling a little better,” I said after a minute, breaking our gaze. “We should get back to our project.”
“Okay,” she replied right away. She seemed grateful that I interrupted whatever that was.
I kept the bag of ice on my knee as we went over our project’s key points. We were finished with the project; it was just a matter of making sure we had all of our talking points organized.
After a few minutes, Chandler looked up from her notebook and looked over at me. She looked anxious.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
She opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. She closed her notebook and looked into my eyes intently.
“Chandler?”
Chandler moved in closer to me so that our faces were mere inches away from each other. She looked down at my lips and opened her mouth to say something, but again no words came out.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and before I knew it, Chandler’s lips were touching mine softly. It was slow and tentative. Like she was testing a theory.
When she pulled back slightly, she looked into my eyes, trying to assess my reaction. I gazed back into her eyes, unable to move or speak. I guess she took that as a good sign because she leaned back in and kissed me again, this time a little surer.
I could stay like that forever, but my mind finally caught up to what was happening. I pulled away slowly and looked down.
“I’m sorry,” Chandler apologized.
“No, it wasn’t just you,” I replied quickly, still unable to look her in the eyes. “I should go.”
I got up and started packing up my things.
“Wait, Faith. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“Stop apologizing,” I said abruptly, turning to face her. “It wasn’t just you okay. It was me too. We just got caught up in the moment. I should go.”
“Faith, at least let me drive you home,” Chandler said.
I rushed out before I could give her an answer.
When I got home, mom and Andy were already home. They were both sitting in the dining room when I walked in.
“What’s going on?” I asked cautiously.
“Mom made dinner,” Andy replied with a wide eyed expression.
“Really?” I asked. Mom hardly ever made dinner, especially on a week night.
“Yes, really,” mom replied with a smile. “I figured we haven’t had a family dinner in a little while. I thought it would be nice if we all sat down and caught up.”
“Okay,” I smiled carefully as I sat down at the table across from Andy.
“I made lasagna,” mom smiled.
“From scratch,” Andy finished.
“Really?” I asked again. It was like I was living in the twilight zone.
I had just kissed Chandler. Or rather she had kissed me. Or I guess we had both kissed each other and now I was sitting at a family dinner, something we hardly ever did anymore. Everything was so bizarre today.
Mom went into the kitchen to grab the lasagna from the oven.
“Who was that?” I asked Andy.
“She must be in a good mood,” Andy shrugged. “A really good mood.”
“A seriously good mood.”
My phone lit up and I looked at it. I had a snap from Chandler. Usually that didn’t make me nervous. Chandler and I snapped each other all of the time. But things were different now. Way different.
I thought about not opening it, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be a bitch. Not to Chandler. I opened the snap and sighed in relief. It was a picture of her finished chemistry homework. She had blocked out the answers to the equations and commented below.
Chandler: No way am I giving you the answers :)
I smiled in relief. She wasn’t bringing it up. She acted like nothing had happened.
“What?” Andy asked as he tried to look over at my phone.
“Nothing, mind your business,” I answered jokingly.
“Whatever,” Andy replied as he stuck his tongue out at me.
At least she wasn’t bringing it up. My stomach started to turn as a terrible thought came to my head. Maybe she regretted it.
Chapter 11
The day after the kiss I tried my best to act like nothing had happened. That went fine in constitutional law because we had a test so Chandler and I couldn’t talk anyway, but chemistry would be a whole different story.
When I got to class I sat down next to Chandler like usual. Chandler was reviewing her notes.
“Vicky said there’s going to be a surprise quiz today,” Chandler revealed. “It figures the one day I didn’t review my notes the night before, Bernstein decides to give us a quiz.”
“Did she say what was on it?”
“Mainly sample equations from the homework last night and then some terminology.”
“
Ugh, those equations took forever. Thanks a lot for sending me the answers by the way.” I smiled at Chandler sarcastically.
“No problem,” Chandler smiled.
For some reason I felt like I had to be careful around Chandler now. I didn’t get too close to her, even though that’s all I wanted to do right now. I made sure to sit far enough away from Chandler that I wouldn’t risk touching her.
I was being childish. She probably completely forgot about what had happened last night. I was the only one dwelling on it. Clearly I was making it a bigger deal than it was.
The problem was that I wanted to recreate what had happened last night so badly. It was all I could think about. It didn’t matter that some people would think it was wrong. For me, it felt like the most right thing in the world. But, as much as I wanted to kiss Chandler again, I couldn’t risk ruining our friendship over it. I needed Chandler in my life, even if it was just as my friend.
“Alright, ladies and gentlemen, pop quiz,” Mr. Bernstein announced. “Hopefully you’ve been keeping up with your reading and you did last night’s homework.”
Chandler smiled at me as we both received a quiz. It was going to be so hard to focus on a quiz with Chandler sitting next to me. In that moment, the only chemistry I could think about was the chemistry I had with Chandler.
My knee felt fine the next day so I opted to go to practice. After practice let out I went home with Andy. Recently I had gotten a ride with Chandler so that we could work on our project, but we were practically finished anyway so I decided to go home.
Andy went to our dad’s place to have dinner so I went to Craig’s house to see what he had been up to. Ever since I had started hanging out with Chandler, I hadn’t been spending much time with any of my other friends as much.
“Hey,” I said as I entered his basement. “Your mom let me in.”
“You’re alive?” Craig joked. “I thought you ghosted me.”
“Shut up,” I responded as I sat down next to him on the couch. “I just saw you at school today.”
“I’m just teasing.”
Craig was playing a racing video game.
“So, to what do I owe the surprise visit?”
“I stop by all of the time.”
“Not recently,” Craig smiled. “You and Chandler seem to be joined at the hip these days. I’m pretty sure Riley is even starting to get jealous.”
“No she’s not.”
“I’m kidding about the last part, but seriously, why aren’t you hanging out with Chandler today?”
“Like you said, I’ve been hanging out with Chandler a lot lately. Maybe even too much. I have other friends. I don’t want to lose touch with you guys just because I have a new friend. Besides, I think Chandler and I could use a break from each other.”
Craig paused his game and looked at me curiously.
“What?” I asked after a moment. I didn’t like the way that he was staring at me.
“Nothing, it’s just,” Craig stopped.
“It’s just what?”
“Well, why do you think you two need a break from each other? You two seem really close, what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing’s wrong with it. I just don’t think we have to spend every day together.”
“Yeah, but I’ve seen you two together. You both like light up when you’re around each other. I’ve never seen you like that before, ever. And I’ve known you our whole lives.”
Apparently I hadn’t done a good job at hiding my feelings. Why was I not surprised?
“Can I ask you a question?” Craig asked carefully.
“That depends on the question,” I smiled tentatively.
“I need you to be honest with me, Faith. I know you know that you can trust me with anything, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Do you not want to hang out with Chandler anymore because you might be developing feelings for her? Feelings that are more than a friend should feel for another friend?”
I couldn’t seem to find any words for a response. Craig knew I liked Chandler. If Craig knew, who else knew? Was I being that obvious?
“It’s okay if you do,” Craig said.
“I don’t,” I lied. “I don’t have feelings for Chandler. Not romantic feelings or anything.”
Craig sighed and looked down at his hands. He seemed troubled about something. “Faith, I would understand if that’s the case. I understand more than you know.”
“What do you mean?” How could he possibly understand me having feelings for another girl? Not many people would understand that.
“I understand because that’s why I haven’t been hanging around the guys much anymore, particularly Jason.”
Craig looked down after he said what he said. I had never seen him look so small in my entire life. He was always so large and full of life.
“Hey, are you saying that you have feelings for Jason?”
“Yeah,” he admitted quietly.
“So then, do you think you might be gay?” I asked gently. Craig was telling me something extremely personal and important about him.
“I don’t think I’m gay,” Craig started. “I know I am.”
“How long have you known?”
“Since middle school.”
“And you’re just telling me now? Craig, how have you been able to keep this a secret for so long? You know you could have told me.”
“I knew since middle school, that doesn’t mean I accepted it. I just recently admitted it to myself. Look, I know I’m gay and I’ve accepted that, but I don’t plan on coming out until after high school. I can’t come out when I’m still playing football.”
“Well, I definitely won’t tell anyone, but I think you should be able to come out if you want to come out, regardless if you play football. Gay people could play football.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Gay people can play football, really well I might add. But, I don’t want the guys to feel uncomfortable around me.”
“You shouldn’t have to hide who you are for the sake of others.”
Craig looked at me with a pointed look. I knew what he was thinking. That was exactly what I was doing with Chandler.
“It’s not the same,” I quickly said.
“Isn’t it? I’ve seen the way you look at Chandler. The way Chandler looks at you. You two like each other, I can tell.”
“As friends,” I shrugged.
“Look, I can’t deny who I am or I’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life. You can’t deny that you have feelings for Chandler.”
I sighed as I could feel my eyes filling with tears. “If I say that I have feelings for Chandler then that’s admitting something that I don’t know that I’m ready to admit.”
“You don’t have to admit anything right now. Having feelings for Chandler wouldn’t change who you are. It would just mean that you like another girl.”
“But what does that make me?”
“You don’t have to have all of the answers right now, Faith. You might be gay. Or you might be bisexual. Or this could just be a onetime crush you have. Only you can figure that out. But, you can’t hide from what you’re feeling. It will only make you miserable.”
“Maybe I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“What does your heart tell you? How do you feel when you see Chandler?”
I took a moment to form the words that described how seeing Chandler made me feel. I smiled softly as I thought of Chandler’s smile, her eyes. “I feel like she’s the only other person in the world. Like the world could be ending, but it would all be okay as long as she was there.”
Craig smiled softly at me.
“Forget having feelings,” Craig joked. “I’m pretty sure you’re in love.”
“Shut up,” I smiled.
Maybe Craig was right. Maybe I had to stop ignoring what I was feeling for the sake of others. I did it with everything that I did. I was planning to go to college for law just because I was afraid of how my parents would
react if I went to school for theater. Maybe I had to stop living for other people’s happiness and start living my life for my own happiness.
One thing was for sure though; I definitely had feelings for Chandler.
After I left Craig’s house, I walked over to Chandler’s house. I stood outside for a good five minutes before I finally got the guts to go and knock on the door.
Chandler answered the door.
We both just looked at each other, unsure where to start. She seemed like she was just as confused as I was right now.
“Hey,” she finally said.
“Hey,” I replied back. Great response, Faith.
“Did you want to come in?” she asked carefully.
“Um, sure.”
I carefully walked past her and into her foyer. I hated that things felt so awkward between us now. She looked at me after closing the door behind her.
“My parents aren’t home. Curren is downstairs watching TV.”
“Oh, okay,” I replied. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew we had to talk about what happened.
I opened my mouth to start, but I couldn’t find my voice.
She looked just as nervous as I did. This was ridiculous. We had spent the last two months getting to know each other, yet we were acting like total strangers.
“Faith, we have to talk about what happened.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable,” Chandler said as she got closer to me. “That wasn’t my intention. I just, I’ve never really felt this way about anyone before. It won’t happen again.”
I felt my heart drop. That was the last thing I had wanted. She must have thought I didn’t feel the same way as her. That was understandable considering how I reacted after the kiss we shared. I needed to make it clear to her that this wasn’t one sided. That I felt the exact same way about her as she did about me.
“Wait, do you not want it to happen again?” I asked.
Chandler looked at me confused. “Faith, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin our friendship. It will never happen again as long as we can just forget it ever happened and still be friends.”
I looked into her eyes and took a deep breath, gathering all of the courage that I could.
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