I Can Explain

by Missy Johnson

  “Then what happened?” I ask softly. My heart races, thinking about how Chase must have felt when he found out.

  He shrugs. “Casey kept calling me. I was the only person she could talk to. We grew closer, and I eventually realized that I was in love with her.” He groans and shakes his head. “The first thing Chase knew about any of this was when he caught us. The same night Casey asked him for a divorce. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he saw us like that. There was no anger or hate. It was worse than that. He was disappointed in me.”

  “He caught you?” I whisper. Oh God. “Did he confront you or ask you why?” I mumble, my heart breaking for him.

  “I think he was expecting it. Not us, but he knew she wasn’t happy. I hated that he could make me feel guilty when he was the one who wronged her, and I went crazy at him over it. I wanted answers. I asked him how he could cheat on her. He looked me in the eye and he shrugged.”

  Josh raises his eyes to mine.

  “Sometimes you hurt the people you love, even though you don’t mean it. That’s what he said to me,” he mutters. “All along, it was me hurting him.”

  “How did you find out?” I whisper. I feel for the guy. God, I feel for both of them.

  He laughs bitterly. “Believe it or not, Casey told me. She chose our wedding night to sit me down and tell me that she had been the one who’d cheated.” Josh shakes his head, angry. “You have no idea how it feels to discover that you’ve betrayed your own brother. And he did nothing about it. God, he stood there by my side and watched me marry the woman who fucking ruined his life. How am I supposed to live with myself after that?”

  I shake my head, wishing that I had answers for him.

  “I just don’t get why,” I say softly. “Why would he take the rap for it?”

  Josh shrugs. “I guess he could see how happy I was. He knew how guilty I’d feel if I knew that she was the one who cheated, and I was one of the people she’d cheated with.”

  He sits forward, and then he straightens himself up, meeting my eyes.

  “Look. I’m not here for your pity or to make you feel bad. I just thought you should know the kind of man my brother really is and decide what you want to do based on the truth, rather than just half of it.”

  He stands and walks over to the door. I follow him, still not sure what I’m supposed to do now.

  “Will you be okay?” I ask him suddenly. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. To find all of this out on your wedding night? I shudder, feeling for the poor guy.

  “I don’t know,” he mumbles. “Ask me in a few weeks?”

  “You said you came here to tell me the truth,” I say, something hitting me. “How did you know that I knew?”

  He smiles. “Casey. She saw the exchange between Chase and her parents. I think your reaction is what prompted her to be honest with me.”

  Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.

  I watch him leave, not sure how I’m feeling, other than lost and a barrage of other emotions that are doing nothing for helping me decide on what to do next.

  I need to talk to Chase. I need to hear all of this from him.

  Because that’s the only way I’m going to know what the truth really is.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chase

  “And don’t bother coming back in tomorrow,” I growl.

  I slam down the phone and rest my head on my desk. Despite what people may think, I don’t like firing people, but when they’ve proven themselves to be incompetent, unreliable fuckwits, what other choice do I have?

  As it turns out, I’ve encountered a lot of them these last few days. It’s completely coincidental that it coincides with me still not hearing from Alana. All I want is a chance to explain things from my point of view. If she just took two seconds to hear me out, she’d realize that things are not quite what they seem.

  “God, Alana, what are you doing to me?” I mutter.

  I manage to get through to the end of the day without calling her again, but when I leave the office, I find myself driving past her place. I’ve done the same thing every night since we got back. I even worked up the courage to knock on her door last night, but she wouldn't answer. I don't know if she was in there or not. Either way, it didn't matter, because I left feeling just as worked up as I was when I got there.

  Today when I pull up outside her building, I sit there in my car, trying to figure out all the things I want to say to her. I should write her a letter and slide it under her door. No. This is the kind of thing I need to say to her in person. I can't just come out and tell her the truth, because it's been hidden inside me for so long that it feels like part of me.

  Not only that, if Josh found out the truth and it wasn't from me, I’m not sure how he would react. Not that I think for a second that she would go gossiping around town about me, but this affects more than just me.

  I'm about to start my car and leave when I look up and see Josh.

  My hands clench onto the steering wheel as I stare at him, sure I’m seeing things. Why is he leaving her place? I don't know what to think, so I let the irrational thoughts take over. Is he doing it again? First Casey, now Alana. It’s a ridiculous thought but knowing that and believing it are two different things.

  Instead of walking over there and asking him why he’s there, I take the easy way out and leave. I’m way too wound up to talk to him like this. I take off down the street, my pulse racing out of control. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I just need to get out of her neighborhood. I drive randomly around the streets, my head a mess. All this anger isn’t healthy. I need to get to the root of the problem and deal with that if I have any chance of fixing this. There’s only one person I need to speak to in order to sort out what I’m feeling, so that’s where I head.

  I bang on her door for five minutes straight, before it swings open.

  Casey stands there, staring at me, looking bewildered.

  “Chase,” she murmurs. “If you’re here to see Josh, he’s not home,” she adds.

  “I'm not here to see Josh,” I say calmly. “I'm here to see you. Her eyes widen at the anger in my voice and to be honest, it’s shocking even me. “Why?” I ask her. “I need to know why you did it.”

  She stares at me as if she doesn’t know how to answer me. Tears well in her eyes, and for a second, I feel bad. And then I remember she was in the wrong. Not me.

  “Chase, it was a long time ago—”

  “Bullshit,” I cut in. “It was barely two years ago. Josh was sure that I’d been cheating on you. That was his justification for doing what he did. He got that from somewhere, so I just need to know what you told him.”

  “I didn’t tell him anything,” she says quietly. “He assumed. And you didn’t correct him? Isn’t that just as bad?”

  She doesn’t answer. Her eyes dart around me.

  “Look, can we not do this on my front doorstep?” she asks. Her lip trembles.

  I nod stiffly and stalk past her into the living room, but I don't sit down. Sitting down would suggest I’m willing to make peace and compromise, and I have no intention of doing any of that. Not until she gives me the answers I need.

  “I loved you. I was devoted to you and you left me for him?”

  “Devoted?” she says with a laugh. “You were devoted to your job. You didn't care about me or appreciate me.”

  “That's not true,” I growl. “Why do you think I worked so goddamned hard at my job? I wanted to give you security—”

  “I didn't want security,” she screams. “I wanted you. I wanted you to put me first. But you couldn't give me that. You couldn't let yourself be open enough to let me into your heart.”

  I stare at her, letting her words sink in. She’s turning this all around on me? I shake my head.

  “Where is Josh,” I ask. I already know he’s not here, but I want to know if she knows where he is.

  She shrugs helplessly. “I don't know. I told him the truth,” she says quietly.
/>   My eyes widen. “What? When?”

  “On our wedding night,” she says quietly. She sits down. I sit opposite her, still in shock. I can't believe she actually told him.

  “How did he take it?” I ask.

  She laughs. “Not well. He looked at me the same way you’re looking at me.”

  “I have to go,” I mutter.

  I stand up while she looks at me, her expression begging me to say something, but I have nothing. So, I just turn around and walk out the door and back over to my car.

  I sit behind the wheel, feeling tense and angry. My head is full of a hundred different thoughts. If Josh knows, then why did he go to see Alana? To fix my mess and tell her the truth? I frown, clutching the wheel tightly. He had no right doing that. His interference was only going to make this a thousand times worse.

  I start driving, and before I know it, I've ended up at Lincoln Memorial Garden. I park my car in the street, and just sit there for a while, reflecting on the last time I was here.

  It’s been a long time. I think I was seventeen and only here because Josh had begged me to bring him. I struggled with visiting them here, and he respected that. He never pressured me to leave the car or ask me why I couldn’t go and talk to them. I was so angry at them for so long and talking to them as though they were still alive felt silly. It didn’t change anything. It didn’t fix the way I felt inside, so why bother?

  After Josh turned sixteen, he stopped asking me to come. It became so much easier to not visit when he didn’t rely on me for it. And now, before I know it, nearly fifteen years has passed. Fifteen years. It feels surreal to think it was that long ago. What kind of son doesn’t visit his parents’ graves for over fifteen years?

  Apparently, me.

  I’m not sure why today is so different, but I get out of my car and walk through the gardens, over to where their ashes are scattered. I stand there, staring at the tree where their plaque sits, deep in thought.

  Something Casey had said really stuck with me. Was she right? Did I not let her in? Was I incapable of loving anyone, in case they ended it? Did I keep people at a distance so I wouldn't end up getting hurt again?

  I take a deep breath and walk a few meters over, so that I'm ironically enough of a distance away when I sit down. I stare at the ground, my stomach churning, because I don't know what to do. Where to go from here. I know I need to try and talk to Alana again, but the thought of doing that, especially now that she knows the truth, is hard. She’ll have so many questions, like why did I let Josh believe all this time that I cheated on Casey? The hard thing is I can't even answer that question. I can tell that I didn't want him to get hurt all I like, but I know that it's more than that.

  “I never thought I'd see you here.” I stiffen and look up into my brother’s eyes.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask him gruffly. He shrugs and sits down next to me.

  “Believe it or not, I come here a lot. It's a great place to think,” he says. I nod and look down at the ground.

  “Casey told me everything,” he adds.

  ‘I know, I've just come from her place,” I mutter.

  “Really, why?” he asks. I shrug, because I don't even know anymore.

  “I should've told you the truth back then,” I admit. “I thought I was doing the right thing in looking out for you.”

  “I know. I'm not angry at you, Chase. I know your heart was in the right place. I’ve known that since they died. You felt this need to look after me, and I'm sure that's what you thought you were doing by keeping this from me.” He reaches over and wraps his arm around my shoulder.

  “I went to see Alana.”

  “I know,” I growl.

  “Jesus, is there anything you don’t know? How do you know?” he asks with a frown.

  “Because I was sitting at the front of her place and I saw you leave.”

  “Why were you sitting there?” he asks shaking his head in confusion. “And if you got that far, why didn’t you just go up and try and talk to her?”

  “Don't you think I’ve tried that?” I bark at him, annoyed. “I do that a thousand times a day. I call her, send a text, I knock on her door; she doesn't want anything to do with me.”

  “So, you try again,” Josh argues. “You’re the one who taught me never to give up. Remember? You made me see that anything is possible if you believe in yourself. And now you’re going back on that?” He sighs, taking a moment to compose himself. “Look. Do me a favor and give it one last chance. Go there and try and talk to her, because this time I'm confident that she’ll listen to you.”

  “Because you told her the truth?” I frown.

  “I did tell her,” he admits. “But it wasn’t to hurt you, Chase. I just know how stubborn you are. By the time you figured out she needed the truth, you’d have lost her.”

  “It wasn’t your call to make,” I mutter.

  “Just like covering for Casey wasn’t your call?” he asks gently. I flush. “I was angry at you at first, but then I realized you were just trying to protect me.” He reaches over and pats me on the shoulder. “You’ve been carrying around my burden for too long. Let it go. Let me deal with this, okay?”

  I nod and get to my feet. “Fine. I’ll try and talk to her again, then.” I turn and wait for Josh to get up, but he doesn’t. Instead, he shakes his head and smiles at me.

  “I think I’ll stay here for a little while. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  After five minutes of relentless knocking on Alana’s door, I sigh and turn around. I lean against the door, my hands shoved deep in my pockets. She's not there. Either that, or Josh was wrong, and she is in there, but she doesn’t want to talk to me. I throw my hands up, frustrated. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because I can't do this anymore, at least not tonight.

  I drive home, trying to block all thoughts of her out of my head. When I exit the elevator on my floor, I stop in my tracks, because there she is, sitting at the front of my apartment. She looks up, her eyes widening, like I’ve caught her off guard. Perhaps she was expecting more of a warning. She gets to her feet.

  “Can we talk?” she asks, her expression uncertain.

  “That's all I’ve wanted for the last three days.” I say with a frown.

  “I know. I'm sorry,” she says, her eyes glassy. She takes a deep breath and takes my hand. Then she laughs. “God, I had everything I wanted to say worked out in my head, and now it’s all gone to shit.”

  “I’m the one who should be sorry, Alana,” I murmur. I entwine her fingers around mine, my eyes not leaving hers. “I should've told you the truth from the beginning, as soon as we got to the wedding. The whole truth. Not just—”

  She puts her finger to my lips, shutting me up.

  “It's okay,” she says. “I lied about something too.”

  “Oh?” I say, my heart racing.

  She nods, a smile creeping across her lips. “When I said I wanted to talk, I really meant something else…”

  I chuckle as she takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom.

  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she kisses me on the lips. I groan as her fingers move down over my chest, her fingers frantically working to undo the buttons on my shirt. She frees the last one and then peels it off me, tossing it on the floor. With a raised eyebrow and a cheeky smirk, she moves down to my pants, unbuckling as she presses her lips against mine. I groan and shrug them off, along with my boxers.

  She steps back. My gaze moves over her body, and I growl, wanting nothing more than to explore every inch of her beautiful, creamy skin. I shake my head and take her hand, pulling her into my arms.

  “Ah,” she cries out, laughing as I lay her over my shoulder and then toss her down on the bed. I climb on top of her, peeling her shirt off over her head. She lifts her ass, allowing me to roll her leggings down over her thighs.

  I grunt as I stare at the sight in front of me. She lays on my bed, wearing only her bra and panties. I reach out and touch her toes, slid
ing my hands slowly up over her legs. I lower myself onto her, my lips finding her breasts. My heart races at the feel of her soft skin against my mouth. I push the cup of her bra down to reveal her breast, and then I close my mouth over the nipple.

  She gasps, her back arching off the bed as I swirl my tongue around it, flicking it until it's stiffer than my cock. I move on to her other breast, sucking and flicking until it's also stiff. Then she rolls me over. I look up at her, surprised by her force and watch her as she peels off her panties. She gently rocks herself against me, her firm breasts bouncing as she lowers herself down onto my length. She gasps as I fill her, gently rocking against my rhythm.

  I groan, struggling to contain myself as she slides down harder and faster onto me. I run my hand over her stomach and massage her breasts, pinching her nipples between my fingers. I growl, my heart racing as my orgasm begins to build. She gasps and cries out, closing her eyes as she contracts around my dick.

  “Fuck,” I groan, my cock throbbing as I release into her tight pussy.

  Panting, she rolls off and snuggles into me, wrapping my arms around her. She wiggles closer, so her ass is against my cock, nuzzling against my hand. She gazes up at me and presses her lips softly against mine. She smiles as I kiss her.

  “I'm glad you let me explain my side of things,” I say with a grin.

  She rolls over and props herself up on elbows.

  “I should've let you explain what happened. I just panicked when I heard you say you cheated,” she admits. “I told you I went through something with my boyfriend and best friend. That took me a long time to get over.” I lean down and caress her face, angry that anyone would do that to her.

  “I’ll never treat you like that,” I promise, kissing her on the nose. “And if you ask me, your ex-boyfriend is a total jerk and a fucking fool for doing that to you.” She smiles and snuggles back against me, resting her head on my chest.