Hold On

by Tabitha Levin

  She grins and raises an eyebrow. “Yep, you want to fuck him. Knew it.”

  “I do not.” I say weakly. “Anyway, even if I did, I couldn’t. I’m living with him now, it’d be too complicated.”

  “The only thing complicated is deciding which room you’ll spend the night in after he licks the sweat off your naked spent body.”

  “Ewww.” I pretend her statement grosses me out, but the thought of Ethan’s tongue on my flesh sends my heart beating faster. I can’t stop thinking about him in that way. Ever since his thumb grazed over the back of my hand, I’ve been imagining his thumb over other parts of my body. I need a diversion, otherwise I’m going to get myself all worked up again, and Lauren will see right through me. “Are you seeing anyone new?”

  Her eyes light up. “I’m fucking my boss.”

  The couple nearby look over at us again, but I don’t care anymore. “I thought you had a rule about work colleagues?”

  “He called me into the office and had this huge hard on. What was I going to do?”

  “Um, file a sexual harassment suit?” I say it mockingly, since I know she’s had a crush on her boss for a long time. She’s told me he’s fodder for many self-pleasuring nights when she’s alone. “What did you do?”

  She leans in closer. “I crawled under his desk and sucked him off.” She says it like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

  My mouth is agape. Even though I’ve known Lauren since school, and I know her sexual history, each new encounter never fails to shock me. “Oh my god. Did anyone see you?”

  “Of course not.” She looked pleased with herself. “And since then I’ve gotten far better assignments. It’s all working out.”

  I shake my head; she still surprises me when she talks about sex so casually. I could never have done that with a boss, and sometimes I wonder how we are still friends when we are so different. All the time I was with Danny, I used to watch Lauren’s confidence when it came to men. She could walk up to the hottest guy in the bar and immediately have his rapt attention. I’d marvel at how easily it came to her, how she oozed sexuality and could always get what she wanted.

  I needed to be more like her.

  “How long do you plan on sucking your boss’s dick for?” I say it teasingly since I know she doesn’t stay with the same guy for too long. “Is this your new career path?”

  She brings her hand to her mouth to cover her emerging grin. “This isn’t just about my job, Sarah. He’s got a huge cock and a huge desk. As long as he’s pushing all the right buttons then I plan on keeping our morning and afternoon meetings for as long as I can.” She flips her hair over her shoulder.

  “You do it twice a day?” She’s having fun with me. I can tell by the fact that she’s holding in her laugh that is threatening to bubble out. “I don’t believe you.”

  She shrugs like it’s no big deal. “It’s true. Didn’t you and Danny used to do it multiple times a day?” As soon as Danny’s name is bought into the conversation, I go quiet. “Sorry Sarah, I didn’t mean to bring up the D word.”

  I’m not upset she bought him up, I’m sad that she thinks we used to have sex so often and thought he was so in love with me that he couldn’t keep his hands off me. The truth was that in the last year of being together I could count on one hand the amount of times we’d made love. He always had an excuse to why it was never the right time. Then without warning, it was over. “No. We never had sex multiple times a day.”

  “Fuck, I’m a shitty friend.”

  “No.” I shake my head. “No, you’re not. I’m not in love with him anymore. It’s just …” I look away for a moment.

  “Yep. I know.” She reaches over and grabs my hand. “You deserve someone better than him, Sarah. Someone who can treat you like you deserve. Someone with a massive cock.” She says the last part to make me laugh. It works.

  I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat. She’s right. I do deserve someone better than Danny.

  “But Ethan Collier is not that that someone. Don’t go there, Sarah, he’s bad news.”

  I know she’s only looking out for me, but she doesn’t know Ethan, except on paper. It’s too early to say who he is to me. All he is right now is the guy that’s renting out my spare bedroom. The fact that I’m even thinking about him in any other way is a surprise to me. And that can’t be a bad thing. Can it?

  Chapter 4

  “Do you have a date?” It’s Friday night. Ethan is still wearing his tee that he wore to work. It’s stained in something white but I can’t place what it might be. Cement? Plaster? He’s also wearing jeans that are too big for him and they dangle precariously low on his hips so I can see the top of his underwear. Even in this outfit, he looks amazing.

  “I’m sorry?” My eyes bounce up to his face after I realize I’ve been staring a little too long at his groin area.

  “Plans. You’re dressed up.”

  “I am?” I may have put on a fresh face of makeup and brushed my hair until it was shining. I also might have been wearing the new top I just purchased, the one that falls off my shoulder showing a hint of skin. “No. No date.” I say it casually like it’s no big deal and wave my hand in the air.

  “What about your friend?” He leans casually against the back of the sofa.

  “Who? Lauren? She has plans, but they don’t involve me.” I wonder if he’s hinting to get an introduction and a small tingle of jealously appears. “She’s seeing someone.” I make sure to emphasize the last statement, even though it’s not exactly true. Sure, she’s sleeping with her boss, but she’s hardly going to be spending Friday night with him. Even if she were in a proper relationship with him, she still wouldn’t see him tonight. Her Friday nights are spent with her ailing mother - that’s a date she never breaks, and one she doesn’t want anyone knowing about.

  I walk over the fridge and stare inside wondering what I should have for dinner, very aware that Ethan is watching me.

  “What about you?” I ask, as I grab an apple. “What are your plans?” I close the fridge door and look back at him, trying to act like it’s general conversation and I’m not interested in the answer.

  He raises his brow as he stares at me. “You need more than that.” I’m unsure what he’s referring to, but before I can ask he’s pointing to the apple in my hand. “That’s not dinner.”

  I look down at my hand. “I know. I haven’t been grocery shopping yet. Saturday mornings. That’s when I go.” I’m rambling, I know I am. “Do you need me to get you anything?” Oh god, shoot me now. I take a bite of the apple just so I can keep myself from saying another word.

  He seems amused by the situation. “I’ve ordered pizza. We can share.”

  Pizza. Suddenly I’m ravenous. “You don’t have to do that.”

  He shrugs. “It’s no big deal. It’s just pizza.”

  “Great, it’s a date then.”

  The corner of his lip curls up into a hint of a smile as I inwardly cringe. Why did I have to say it was a date? I was trying to act casual. Perhaps I can still pretend I’m not a complete blithering idiot in his presence and laugh it off, like it was a joke. Nope, I can’t. It’s blatantly obvious that I’m attracted to him and he can see it just as clear as if it were tattooed across my forehead.

  I need to get a grip, and fast.

  “You might want to get changed.” He moves closer to me and I can feel the electricity between us. Surely he feels it too, and it’s not just me. “You don’t want to get pizza sauce on your top.” He reaches out and touches the fabric. I look down watching as his thumb and forefinger skim over the bottom hem. He’s almost touching my hip. “It looks new.”

  “I didn’t know you were such an expert in women’s clothing.” I change the subject so I can break this tension that’s quickly forming between us. As much as I want him, and he knows it, I can’t let myself go there. “Next you’ll be telling me my shoes are all wrong for my outfit.” I laugh nervously, my voice pitching higher
than it needs to be.

  He takes his hand away from my top but doesn’t move. He’s looking at me with that intense stare of his again. “You’re not wearing shoes.”

  I’m not. I never wear shoes at home. But the fact that he noticed, unnerves me. I take a breath to calm the butterflies in my stomach. “What pizza did you order?”

  “Ham, pineapple, extra cheese.”

  “Fruit on a pizza?” I’m surprised at his choice of toppings. I would have picked him for a sausage and bacon lover, rather than pineapple.

  He smiles at my reaction. “You’ve never had pineapple on a pizza?”

  “I haven’t. It sounds … weird.”

  He grins. “You’re about to get your mind blown. The sweet juiciness combined with the salty ham. All dripping in creamy melting cheese.” He raises his eyebrow slightly. “Some things don’t seem to combine, but can be amazing when they come together. Don’t you think?”

  I’m watching his lips as he’s talking about the food, wondering if he’s still talking about the pizza when I realize he’s teasing me. He’s taking advantage of my reaction to him and playing on it, using words that just confuse the situation more. I push against his chest. “Are you making fun of me?”

  The sudden realization that he has been using my attraction to him as some sort of entertainment, seeing how far he can push me has annoyed me. I walk past him and head toward my bedroom, then stop. I turn around to see him leaning casually against the sofa again. This annoys me more.

  I walk back to him. “What sort of game are you playing?”

  His voice is calm and measured. “I’m not playing any game.”

  “You are,” I counter. “The way you look at me, the way you stand close to me. You’re seeing how far you can go before I crumble and kiss you.”

  He looks amused at my outburst, but before he can answer, the door buzzes. He grabs his wallet out of his back pocket and walks toward the front door.

  The pizza deliveryman is standing outside with a large white pizza box. Ethan chats to him like he knows him then hands over money and tip for the pizza. He brings the box inside and places it on the kitchen counter, grabs two plates from the cupboard and places a slice on each.

  He hands me a plate and I take it, not sure what to do next. “Sarah, do you really feel so little about yourself that you think I’d manipulate your emotions for fun?” He moves closer and runs a finger over the back of my hand. “This isn’t a game. You’re beautiful.”

  I can’t breathe. Ethan Collier just said I was beautiful. “I am?” I almost whisper the words out, still unsure of everything that he’s saying. No one has told me I’m beautiful for a very long time and I want to grab the words and wrap myself up in them.

  He tips his head to the side. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that?” He seems genuinely surprised and it makes me want to rush into his arms and let him do whatever he wants to me.

  But I can’t. We live together. Lauren’s words are spinning around my head warning me against him. “Ethan, I can’t sleep with you. If that is what you’re doing, trying to seduce me, then stop. Stop right now. We are roommates and that’s all we can ever be.” I know the words coming out of my mouth don’t match the way I feel right now, but I need to be strong.

  He opens his mouth as if to say something then stops. He nods his head. “Okay, Sarah. If that’s what you want.”

  Chapter 5

  “I overreacted, didn’t I?” I take a bite of pizza and look away momentarily.

  “Just a bit.” His grin is lopsided but I can sense there is something deeper behind it.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “No big deal.”

  “It’s just that …” I stop as the pineapple and ham flavors mix in my mouth. “Hey, this pizza is pretty good.”

  This time his grin seems more genuine and I watch a small crinkle form in his chin. He scratches the side of his cheek where new stubble is coming through. “Told you that you’d like it. Go on.”

  I need to explain to him why I’m such an idiot. Why I’m acting so strange around him. “I’m not used to being around someone like you.”

  He lifts an eyebrow. “Someone like me?”

  I nod. “You’re hot, and kind of intense.”

  “You think I’m hot.” He says it as a statement rather than a question.

  “Of course, have you looked in a mirror lately?”

  His gaze doesn’t shift from mine. “Have you?”

  Oh god, he’s playing that game again, the one where I cannot win because I don’t know the rules. It’s confusing me, and I can feel my heart pounding so loudly I’m sure he can hear it too.

  He finishes his slice of pizza and grabs for another. “Sarah,” he pauses until I’m looking at him. “I’m not going to do anything you’re not comfortable with, you need to relax.”

  How am I supposed to relax when the hottest guy I’ve ever spoken to is within arm’s reach, casually eating pizza in my apartment, and sending signals that he’s attracted to me? Or maybe I’m the one sending signals? I don’t know what is real anymore and I certainly don’t know what I want.

  “I’m going to have a shower.” He places his half-eaten pizza slice back onto the plate and walks past me to the bathroom. I watch him walk by, trying not to focus on his broad shoulders and perfect firm ass that will soon be naked with cascades of water dripping down them. It’s no good, I can’t think of anything else.

  He’s right. I need to relax. I can’t live like this, wanting him to take me in his arms, yet telling him that nothing can happen. I am the one sending mixed signals and that’s not fair to either of us. I clean up our dinner plates and place the rest of the pizza in the refrigerator, trying to decide what to do.

  I turn on the television to see if any movies are playing. There’s nothing I’m interested in, or can concentrate on right now, so I turn it to a music channel. Normally when I’m home alone on a Friday night I’d read a book or go to bed early. Tonight that is the last thing I want to do.

  I hear the shower turn off and pick up a magazine, flicking through the pages, not really focusing on any of the articles, when Ethan emerges.

  He’s bare chested, wearing only a towel slung around his hips as he walks past me to his bedroom. He has a black inked tattoo on his left bicep of a design I can’t place. His torso is a mix of muscles and firm smooth skin. I’m a mess of conflicting emotions, my body responding immediately to the sight of him, wanting to glide my hands over his chest, feel his skin against mine. I imagine what he would feel like inside me, bringing me to the brink of pleasure. I can’t believe he has this much raw power over me. I never felt this way with Danny.

  It takes all of my strength not to gape at him like a hormone-obsessed teenager. I’m positive he’s doing it deliberately.

  When he disappears into his room, I notice I’m breathing heavier than usual. This isn’t good. I can’t act this way around him. I close my eyes and repeat the words over in my head. He’s my roommate. Nothing can happen. It would be a mistake to sleep with him.

  My body might not like the choice I’ve made, but my head approves.

  He comes out of his room wearing shorts and a tee. The t-shirt is, thankfully, loose, so doesn’t cling to those gorgeous muscles and I can think normally again. I turn my attention back to the magazine so I can pretend I’m not affected by him walking around the living area.

  “You’re not going out tonight?” I ask casually.

  “Don’t know, maybe. It’s still early.” His voice is low and measured. He’s watching for my reaction.

  “I might go to bed early,” I blurt out. Dammit, why did I mention my bed? I pretend I’m reading the article even though not a single word has entered my brain.

  He sits on the soft armchair near me. If I moved, our knees would touch. I don’t move.

  “Sometimes I go for a walk along the beach. It’s nice at night.” I add, so I don’t sound like a complete loser who goes to bed early. “The sou
nd of the waves crashing and the sea air. It helps me think. Sometimes I sit on the sand and stare up at the stars. It’s peaceful.”

  “Yeah. Okay, sounds good.”

  It wasn’t an invitation, but he’s taken it as one. “You want to go for a walk along the beach?”

  “Sure, why not.” He’s looking at me intensely again and immediately my heart is beating wildly. I wonder if he knows the effect he has on me. I’m sure he does.

  “Okay.” I say slowly. “I’ll get my shoes.” My voice is pitching higher, not only from the fact that we are about to go for a walk along the beach together, but because I’m doubting my decision to remain friends. The beach will weaken my resolve and I know it. Maybe that’s his plan.

  As I slip on my shoes, he grabs a bottle of wine and a blanket from his bedroom.

  Hell. What have I just agreed to?

  Chapter 6

  The beach air is crisp. I’m glad I grabbed a long sleeve top on my way out.

  Ethan stands at the edge of the water, his shoes discarded as he looks thoughtfully out at the dark sea. I sit on the blanket he placed on the sand, the bottle of wine still unopened.

  When he returns to the blanket, I can tell he has heavy thoughts. I wonder what has happened in his past that is haunting him now.

  “I see what you mean about this being a good place to think,” he says. He grabs the bottle and tears off the foil wrapper from the top then unscrews the lid. He takes a swig and then passes it over to me. I feel awkward drinking from the bottle, but take a mouthful. It’s light and fruity and makes my nose tingle.

  “I came here a lot last year.” I think back to the times I had to get away from everyone to try and work out what was happening with Danny. The beach was the only reason I was able to get through it so easily. It gave me strength.