Hold On

by Tabitha Levin

  He wades into the water and then dives under a shallow wave. When he emerges, the water runs down his face and over his skin. I’m intoxicated just watching him.

  “Come in,” he calls.

  I follow him in. The water is cool and feels good against my skin. Once I’m in waist deep, I let myself fall backwards so I can float on my back, the sun warming my stomach as the waves gently rock me. “It’s so peaceful here,” I say.

  He swims closer to me. “It can be.”

  “I don’t know why you don’t live here.”

  He laughs. “Because there’s no water, power or gas. I prefer sleeping somewhere where I can get a hot shower in the morning.”

  I prefer him living where he can have a hot shower too. Preferably one where I can join him.

  “Besides, I think living with you has it’s perks.” He splashes me playfully. It’s the first time I’ve seen him do anything that isn’t so serious.

  “You admit you are just living with me so you can have me any time you like.” I splash back and he grabs me around the waist, pulling me under the water. I squeal and laugh as we both come back up.

  “Moving into your place was one of the best decisions I’ve made recently. I don’t want it to end.” He grazes his thumb over my cheek and I catch my breath in a shallow inhale. He doesn’t want it to end. I focus on those words as he stares deeply into me. Up until now I’ve tried to push away any thoughts I’d had about any sort of future with Ethan. Especially since I thought he wasn’t capable of it. I wanted to take this just as it was, some fun and the best sex I’ve ever had. But he doesn’t want it to end and I realize that I don’t either.

  Chapter 18

  The rest of the day passed in a blur. I felt like I was drunk with happiness and Ethan would be the one to solve all my problems. We drank, ate, and made love. We didn’t leave the shack until well after the sun had gone down.

  Even the ride home on the motorcycle wasn’t as terrifying as I held on tight to Ethan’s strong body, the engine purring as we sped back to the apartment.

  I felt safe with him. But only for a moment.

  Deep down I knew that although this day was perfect, that’s all it was - one day. Tomorrow I’d have to return to work and to reality. As much as I desperately wanted to believe that I’d have a future with Ethan, it was too soon to know for sure.

  ~

  “Jeezus, Sarah, it looks like you’ve had a facial. Your skin is glowing.” Lauren stirs her coffee but doesn’t take her eyes off me. We are sitting in our regular booth and while it is still early for most of the lunch crowd, the cafe is full of people. “He must have a magic dick or something.”

  “Lauren!” I grin as I look around the room. Today no one is paying any attention to us and even if they were, I wouldn’t care. I would shout this from the rooftops I felt so giddy. I was sleeping with Ethan Collier, the most gorgeous, sweetest and sexiest man I’ve ever known, and yesterday I spent the best day of my life with him.

  “He’s probably good for you for now.” Her tone is direct and I’m not sure what she is getting at.

  I frown. “For now?”

  “Yep. A muscled hot rebound guy. The rebound fuck - it’s the best kind. You don’t want to waste this time with anyone that might fall in love with you since you’re just using sex to get over your ex. Although living with him could be an issue later. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that’s what this is?” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Using sex to get over your ex. I’m going to Instagram that quote.” She picks up her phone and begins to type into an app.

  The words smack me in the face. Rebound sex. Oh shit, is that what this is? It never occurred to me that Ethan might be nothing more than rebound sex since I’d never had to experience it before. And I must be his rebound girl too, since he admitted to losing someone he loved recently. We are both using each other to heal our emotional wounds. Everything we said to each other meant nothing more than living in the moment. It wasn’t real - it was a fantasy.

  I begin to second guess everything that he said and did this past weekend. I don’t know what’s real anymore.

  When Lauren looks back up at me, I don’t react. I don’t want her to see how much this statement has rocked me and bought up all my doubts and insecurities again. “So, he’s that good, huh?” she asks.

  I plaster a smile on my face. “He’s alright.”

  Chapter 19

  “Do you think this is a rebound thing?” I’m lying in Ethan’s bed watching him workout with a set of dumbbells. Each time he lifts them the muscles in his whole body tense and protrude and even though we just had amazing sex, I’m aroused again.

  “A rebound thing?” He looks over at me but doesn’t stop lifting the weights. “Why do you think that?”

  I shift position in the bed and the sheet that was covering me drops down revealing my breasts. Ethan’s gaze skims over my body. “It’s just something that Lauren said today. She thinks that perhaps I’m using you for sex. A rebound fuck.”

  He cocks an eyebrow and places the weights on the ground. He’s slightly out of breath. “You think that I’m using you for sex.” In typical Ethan fashion, it’s not a question.

  “No. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m using you?” I wonder if I’ve made a mistake in bringing it up. I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since I talked to Lauren at lunch, but now the words have left my mouth, they sound stupid and pathetic. I’ve become the very thing I don’t want to be.

  “Why do you need to define it? Why not just enjoy things?” He sits down on the edge of the bed and pushes his hand through his short dark hair. “I’m not using you for sex.” I sense that he’s annoyed with me.

  I sit up so I can match his eye level. “I’m not trying to define it. I like this, whatever it is. I don’t want it to end, that’s all.”

  “I like it too, Sarah, but I need you to cut out the need to place a label on it. It’s getting old.”

  I know there’s an element of truth to his statement, but hearing them come from his lips doesn’t make me feel good about myself. “You’re right.” I cross my arms over my chest defensively.

  “Don’t do that.” His voice is low and deep.

  “Do what?”

  “Cover those magnificent tits up.” He pulls my arms away from my breasts and circles his thumb over one of my nipples until it’s hard. Just this one simple touch is enough to make my body respond and want him again. Not that I ever stopped wanting him.

  I reach down as his cock jerks to attention and take the shaft in my hand, gently running my fingers up and down the length. I can feel him getting harder with each stroke. He groans at the touch.

  “Let me suck it. I want to taste you.” I still haven’t had the pleasure of feeling it slide between my lips and I’m eager to do so. He hesitates but then and stands so I can reach him better. I kneel over the bed to get comfortable and gently kiss the end of his dick.

  “Your lips are soft.” He murmurs appreciatively and lets his hands fall to his sides as I move my head closer, letting him reach further into my mouth.

  I run my tongue around the edge as I pull away then bob my head back onto him.

  “You’re good at this.” There’s an element of surprise in his voice.

  It’s not the first time I’ve heard this statement, Danny used to tell me that, too. I don’t know if it’s true or just something that guys say since it’s not like I have much experience in that department, but I’ve always found it incredibly arousing. Maybe that shows.

  I suck him further into my mouth. “Fuck, Sarah, that’s good.” His announcement gives me more confidence and I move my hand to play with his balls as I continue to slide him between my lips. He’s obviously enjoying it as he begins to rock his hips in time to my movements up and down his shaft.

  Before I can pull away, he grabs the back of my head so I can’t move, and a low guttural groan escapes his lips as he shoots his hot sticky seed down my throat.

  I gag. I
wasn’t expecting him to come so quickly and wasn’t prepared. When he pulls away I cough and spit what’s left in my mouth onto his bed.

  “You okay?” He uses his sheet to wipe away my chin. He’s definitely going to have to wash his bedding now. “I thought you could handle swallowing. You seemed to be into it.”

  “I was. I just wasn’t ready.”

  He grins. “Same. I’ll need to temper myself next time, you were fucking amazing at that.”

  “Great,” I say wryly. “My one claim to fame is that I give good head.”

  He laughs even though I didn’t mean it to be funny. He sits down on the edge of the bed. I expect him to reach over and touch me, or lay me back and begin to kiss me again. I’m still aroused but more than that, I need the reassurance that sex with Ethan gives me, but he doesn’t do any of that. “I have something on tomorrow night,” he announces. “So I’ll be home late. Don’t wait up.”

  Don’t wait up? I can’t help but think about every single movie I’ve seen where the husband says to his wife not to wait up while he’s up to no good. He stands up and picks up his weights as he returns to his workout and I can tell the conversation, and any chance of having sex again tonight, is over.

  Chapter 20

  I need to see you. It’s a text message from Danny. I got it an hour ago. I haven’t heard from him in months and now he’s texted me out of nowhere. I’m torn between simply deleting the message or responding and telling him to go jump off a bridge, but I do neither. All I do is lay in bed tossing and turning. I can’t sleep now.

  Why does he need to see me? Why now?

  I’m convinced that it has something to do with him seeing Lauren at the restaurant the other night. Perhaps it’s sparked memories that should have remained buried and he needs closure. Well fuck him. I’m the one that needs closure, he was perfectly fine with leaving me without a good reason.

  It’s so typical of him that as soon as I move on he tries to draw me back in.

  I clench my eyes shut and shake my head. It’s not going to work.

  Beep.

  My eyes jerk open at the sound of my message alert. I could ignore it. I could pretend that I’m fast asleep and didn’t hear it.

  I know who it’s from before I pick up the phone. He’s sent another message because I haven’t responded to the first, I’m sure of it.

  Please, Sarah, it’s important. Meet me after work tomorrow night. I finish at 8. Dan.

  What could be so important that he has to send me messages this late at night?

  I contemplate whether I should see him face to face. It’s time I stood up to him and told him what an asshole he was for leaving me like he did. No wait. I can say he did me a favor because I’ve found someone else and I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in years.

  Yes. That’s what I’ll do. It’ll help me move on with my life.

  Fine. See you at 8.

  Ethan is going to be out, so it’ll be the perfect time to put closure on this old relationship once and for all. Danny has been holding me back for too long. It’s time to stand up and stop allowing memories to define who I am. It’s time I stopped second guessing everything with Ethan because of what happened with Danny.

  I immediately feel good about my decision. I’ll tell Ethan in the morning where I’m going, because I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and I’ll see if Lauren is free so I can bring her along for support and back up.

  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe again. Maybe I’ll be able to get to sleep after all.

  ~

  “Ethan?” I poke my head into his bedroom but he isn’t there. He’s left for work early. I’m disappointed but there’s nothing I can do right now. His bed is still crumpled from last night and I smile as I remember being tangled up in it.

  I don’t want to send him a text trying to explain why I’m seeing my ex-boyfriend tonight so I’ll have to wait until he’s back. It’ll be easier if I’ve already had the conversation with Danny anyway to explain how it went down.

  I pick up my phone and text Lauren, asking if she’ll meet me for lunch today. I can ask her to join me tonight when I see her.

  The only thing left to do is decide what to wear. Something fabulous so I can show him what he gave up, or something simple and understated? It doesn’t matter, the outcome will be the same. I’ll find out what he wants and tell him I’ve moved on. Then it’ll be finally done.

  He’ll be out of my head and I can move on with Ethan and be happy.

  Chapter 21

  “You should go alone.” Lauren flicks through the rack of clothes in the department store and pulls out a navy dress. She wanted a shopping date instead of going to our usual cafe.

  “You’re going to make me face Danny without you?” Nerves begin to bubble up in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

  She turns to face the mirror, holding the dress over her body and swaying from left to right. “I can go if you need me, but do you think you’ll be able to get closure if I’m there? Nobody ever ended a relationship, even one that is already technically over, with a third wheel hanging around.”

  She’s right. I need to face him alone so we can talk properly. I can’t have him making another excuse to see me after this. I only agreed because I need this for myself so I can have a clear chance with Ethan without comparing him to my ex. “Okay. But stay by your phone, I might need you after.”

  “Will do.” She puts the dress back on the hanger and continues to look through the rest of the dresses. “So it’s getting more serious with Ethan?” I can hear the disapproval in her tone.

  “I don’t know what it is with Ethan. I’m going to take it day by day.”

  She eyes me suspiciously, as she picks out a green sweater, shakes her head and puts it back. “And you’re okay with that? Come on, Sarah, I know you.”

  I frown. “Why do I have to define it?” I’m repeating his words back to my best friend like it’s what I really think. The way she looks at me, she knows they don’t come from me. “I mean, I’m happy right now, he makes me feel sexy and wanted. It’s much more than I ever felt with Danny.”

  “You were in love with Danny. You were going to marry him.”

  That all seems so far away now. “But Danny wasn’t in love with me, not like I wanted him to be.”

  “And Ethan is?” She’s stopped looking at the clothes now and is standing in front of me with her arms crossed over her chest.

  I’m beyond frustrated that she’s not supporting me like I want her to. “You’ve never liked Ethan.”

  “I’ve never met Ethan.” She shakes her head slowly. “I just don’t see this ending well with him, that’s all. I care for you, Sarah. You’ve been through so much already. I was fine if it was just a fling, just hot sex. But you’re getting in too deep.”

  I can’t help but be defensive. “So you think if it doesn’t work out I’ll shatter into a million pieces and won’t be able to put myself back together? Give me more credit, Lauren. I’m not as fragile as you think I am. It doesn’t matter whatever happens. I’m happy right now. Right in this tiny moment in time.”

  She breathes a heavy sigh. “Fine.”

  “Fine,” I repeat. I don’t want to hear Lauren’s critical tone any longer, I just want to be alone. I walk out of the store. I’m furious with her. She’s supposed to be my best friend, she’s supposed to have my back. I don’t understand why she can’t let her prejudices about Ethan’s past go and be happy for me.

  ~

  I’m standing outside the restaurant looking through the window. Danny is showing a happy couple the wine menu and pointing out something on it. He looks different. He’s cut his hair and lost some weight. He looks good.

  I pull my phone out of my purse and check my messages. There are none from Lauren. I’m still upset that I walked out on her like that, I don’t feel good about how we left things. I’ve sent three messages apologizing and she hasn’t retu
rned any of them. It’s our first fight and while I know it won’t end our relationship I can feel the empty void that she used to fill.

  Lauren can wait until tomorrow though, because right now I have to face my ex and find out is so important that he has to see me.

  I step inside the front door and stand at the entrance.

  “Can I help you?” A bubbly waitress with blonde curls comes over to me.

  “I’m here to see Danny Travis.” I look past her just as he looks up and see’s me. He smiles and waves hello, like we are close friends.

  “You must be Sarah,” she says cheerfully. I’m taken aback. He’s told people about me? I don’t understand what that means but it’s not what I want to hear. I look at him, trying to search his face for answers.

  As he walks over to me, I can feel my stomach churning as old memories flood back. “Sarah,” he says. “It’s so good of you to come. I’m just finishing up my last table, but if you wait at the bar we can talk after that.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to answer and walks back into the sea of tables. The bubbly blonde leads me over to the bar and I sit on the stool closest to the wall looking back into the restaurant. I need to get a grip on the situation and not let this shake me.

  I take a deep calming breath and I immediately feel better. I just need to explain that I’m not interested in getting back together and make it very clear that I’ve moved on with Ethan.

  Ethan.

  The moment I think of him, my head turns into the corner of the room and I see him.

  I see him sitting at a table and he’s not alone. He’s with a very attractive brunette and they are deep in conversation with their heads close. They are so intimately close they could almost be kissing.

  All of a sudden my emotions explode into a clusterfuck of confusion. The fight with Lauren, the bubbly waitress who knows my name, my ex, and Ethan with someone else.