Besieged and Betrothed

by Jenni Fletcher

  ‘I can’t just...’

  ‘You can.’ Matilda raised her cup as if she were making a toast, sapphire eyes glinting over the rim. ‘He’s just a man, Juliana. Tell him you love him. It might be the only thing that can save him.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ‘Lothar!’

  He swung round at the sound of Matilda’s summons, charging towards the door so fast that if a guard hadn’t opened it, he might simply have barged through.

  ‘Empress?’ He came to a halt a few paces away from where the two women sat side by side, one regarding him with a look of hauteur, the other staring at the floor as if she wanted to sink through it. His hopes plummeted.

  ‘I’ve reached a decision.’ Matilda stood up languidly. ‘Your wife has pulled the wool over your eyes, Lothar. I can’t trust her not to side with Stephen once I’m gone. She cannot remain as chatelaine at Haword.’

  ‘But, Empress...’

  ‘It seems to me there are only two choices,’ Matilda spoke over him. ‘Either we send her packing off to Stephen, or somebody has to stay and keep an eye on her. Under the circumstances, I believe you’re the only fit man for the job.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Would you prefer me to send another man?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘I thought not.’ Matilda’s lips twitched as she picked up an ermine cloak and swung it loosely around her shoulders. ‘After all, she’s your wife, Lothar, and you know how difficult those can be. Just ask my husband.’

  ‘I thought you wanted me to accompany you to Normandy, Empress?’

  She placed a hand on his arm almost tenderly. ‘Of course I want you to come with me, but you’re still a young man. I was wrong to abuse your loyalty. You ought to lead a life of your own, not just follow mine. I’ll miss you, Lothar, but now your wife has something important to tell you.’ She squeezed his arm before sweeping on to the door. ‘I suggest you listen to her. In the meantime, I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’ The floor seemed to tilt slightly as the door closed again, leaving him alone with his wife. The possibility of Matilda offering to leave him behind had never even occurred to him. Now he didn’t know how to react. ‘What happened?’

  Juliana looked up finally, meeting his gaze with a look of chagrin. ‘I told her the truth.’

  ‘You told her you’d give Haword back to Stephen?’

  ‘Not exactly.’ Her cheeks flushed. ‘But I told her I couldn’t break my oath if he came back. You knew that was the best I could do.’

  ‘Yes.’ He rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘I suppose I did.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t lie.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position, too. I know you wanted to go with the Empress.’

  He pulled his hand away from his face with a dull sense of surprise. ‘It’s not a question of what I want. It’s a question of duty. Who will protect her now?’

  ‘She has other guards.’

  ‘It’s not that simple. It’s my job.’

  ‘Why?’

  He moved across to the fireplace, leaning one arm against the mantel. ‘It’s just what I do, who I am.’

  ‘Because of your mother?’

  He froze. Standing next to the roaring fire, he felt his whole body go frigid. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘The Empress said that she died trying to defend you.’ Her footsteps moved towards him. ‘Will you tell me what happened?’

  He swayed slightly as the room seemed to tilt again. Could he tell her? He didn’t want to talk about it, yet somehow the words seemed to be coming out anyway.

  ‘It was all my fault. My mother was good at evading my father’s blows. She knew how to protect both of us, but one day when he hit her, I decided I was a man so I picked up a poker and charged at him with it. He put out a foot and kicked me backwards. My head hit a table on the way down.’ He gestured towards his scar. ‘I remember lying on the floor. There was so much blood I could hardly see, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder, heaving me back to my feet. I knew he was going to punish me, badly this time, but then my mother stepped between us. She said something, I don’t know what because my ears were still ringing from the fall, but he let me go and then...’

  ‘Then?’ Her voice prodded him gently.

  ‘Then she fell. Right next to me. Her arm landed on my stomach, as if she were wrapping it around me, but her eyes were open and I knew...’ The pressure in his chest was building again, stretching almost to breaking point, though he seemed to be powerless to do anything to stop it. ‘She just lay there staring, but I knew she couldn’t see me.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ She rested a hand on his shoulder. ‘But it wasn’t your fault.’

  He shook his head. ‘If it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have been so angry. He might have left us alone. I thought I could protect her, but I couldn’t.’

  ‘You still weren’t the one who killed her. You can’t blame yourself.’

  ‘I failed her. I wasn’t strong enough.’

  ‘You were just a boy.’

  ‘I should have got up.’

  There was a short silence as if she were considering.

  ‘Didn’t you tell me that I shouldn’t blame myself for betraying my father?’

  He frowned. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Didn’t you say he would have forgiven me anything?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘If your mother was prepared to get between you and your father, then she loved you. She wouldn’t have blamed you and she wouldn’t have wanted you to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself either. She would have wanted you to be free. Just like Matilda wants you to be free now.’

  He half-turned around. ‘You don’t understand. When she found me, I felt as though my mother had sent her somehow, as if she were giving me a second chance. That’s why I have to protect Matilda.’

  ‘So you love Matilda like a mother?’

  ‘No!’ He pulled away, resisting the idea. ‘Juliana, we’ve been over this. I told you, I don’t love. I protect people, that’s all.’

  ‘And you’d rather protect her than me?’

  ‘No, it’s just...easier.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because it is.’

  There was another long pause before she spoke again, her voice sounding strained suddenly. ‘If it’s about the other day then I’m sorry. I should never have mentioned the marriage debt.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sorry if I made you feel indebted.’

  ‘Indebted?’ He swung around this time, staring at her incredulously. ‘Is that what you think, that I took you to bed because of a debt?’

  ‘I thought you couldn’t refuse.’

  ‘I can refuse whatever the hell I want!’

  ‘So you didn’t feel indebted?’

  ‘No! I wanted...’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I wanted you, Juliana. I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you. Couldn’t you tell?’

  ‘I thought so, but I wasn’t sure. And then, you still wanted to leave...’

  ‘Not because of that.’

  ‘Was it...bad?’

  ‘Bad?’ He spluttered in shock. ‘No, it was...’ He sought for a way to describe it and came up with nothing. As usual, words were beyond him. In which case, there was only one way to show her how much he wanted her. He wrenched her into his arms, grinding his lips against hers with a fervour that seemed to envelop the whole of his being. His senses were reeling with the force of his need. He wanted to tear her gown away and bury himself in her. He wanted to take her right now and every day afterwards. He wanted her more than he’d wanted any woman in his life. But he couldn’t love her...

&nb
sp; ‘I want you, Juliana.’ He pulled away again, breathing heavily. ‘But it’s impossible.’

  She staggered slightly, raising a hand to her swollen lips. ‘You mean you want me and you want to leave me?’

  ‘Yes.’ He sank down on to the couch and put his head in his hands. ‘I don’t know to explain it, but when I lost my mother, it was the worst pain I ever felt. I never want to feel that way again. I won’t feel that way again.’

  She hesitated for a moment and then sat down beside him. ‘Caring for someone doesn’t just involve pain.’

  ‘No? Look at you and your father.’ He regretted the words instantly. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s all right. My father suffered at the end, but for most of my life he made me feel happy and loved. He raised me in a way he thought would make me happy, too. He let me be myself. And he’ll always be here.’ She pressed a hand to her heart. ‘Just like your mother is still there in yours.’

  He dragged in a breath as the constricting sensation in his chest seemed to burst suddenly. He’d heard troubadours sing about broken hearts, but this was different, as if it weren’t so much his heart, but the stone around it that was crumbling, not just into pieces, but into dust that could never be put back together again, unleashing all the pent-up emotions he’d kept hidden away for twenty years. She was right. His mother was still there. Along with all the pain and the loss and the suffering, there was love, too. He clamped a hand to his chest, overwhelmed by the onslaught of feeling.

  ‘You don’t have to be afraid.’ She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

  ‘What if I can’t protect you?’ He didn’t recognise his own voice. It sounded guttural, like an animal in pain. ‘If I failed the Empress it would be bad enough, but if I failed you... If I lost you... I couldn’t bear it, not again.’

  ‘You won’t fail me.’

  ‘Juliana...’

  ‘No. Listen to me, I never wanted your protection. I’ve been telling you that from the start. I can take care of myself.’

  ‘It’s what I do.’

  ‘But it’s not what I want. If that’s all you can offer, then you should leave with Matilda.’

  ‘I don’t want to.’ His shoulders heaved at the admission.

  ‘Then stay.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can change, Juliana. I don’t know if I can love.’

  ‘Then we’ll find out together.’

  He turned towards her, resting his forehead against hers. ‘You deserve better.’

  ‘I know.’ She smiled softly. ‘You’re just a man. But you’re my husband, too, and I won’t give up on you.’

  He closed his eyes briefly. ‘I’ll do my best.’

  ‘Good, because if you don’t come with me, then I’d rather go straight to Stephen.’

  ‘What about Haword?’

  ‘I don’t want it without you, not any more.’ She reached up and pressed her hand gently against his scar. ‘I want you, no matter how damaged you are. You don’t have to say it, but I will. I love you, Lothar. Whatever happens in the future, I love you and you love me, somewhere deep down inside. And I’m not going back home without you.’

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Haword Castle—1153, five years later

  ‘He’s here! Lower the bridge!’

  Juliana shouted out to the warden, pressing a hand to her stomach as she felt a sudden, violent kicking, as if the baby inside shared her excitement, too.

  ‘There now.’ She smiled tenderly. ‘Your father’s home.’

  She made her way down the steps, compelled to move slowly for once, so that by the time she reached the bottom, Lothar was already waiting, his stern features breaking into a wide smile when he saw her. She felt the breath stall in her throat. After five years of marriage, her feelings for him were even stronger than they’d been on the day when she’d first told him she loved him—the day when she’d told him he loved her, too, and he...well, he’d neither confirmed nor denied it. He’d never been able to say the words back, but she’d come to realise it didn’t matter. He proved how he felt about her every moment they were together. He made her feel beautiful and desirable and happy. His smile wasn’t something she could have ever imagined when they’d first met. That was enough.

  ‘Wife.’ He pretended to reach for her hand and then hauled her into his arms. ‘I suppose it won’t make any difference if I say you ought to be resting, not climbing the battlements?’

  ‘Not a whit. It’s your fault for staying away so long.’

  ‘Were you up there pining for me?’

  ‘Maybe a little.’ She laughed and nestled against him, burrowing her face into his gambeson and breathing in the familiar, reassuring scent of him. ‘I’m just glad you’re home.’

  ‘So am I.’ He pressed a kiss into her hair. ‘I’m getting too old to be riding all over the country on Henry’s business.’

  ‘Not too old, I hope.’ She tipped her head back and smiled seductively at him. ‘I still have some uses for you.’

  ‘Then I’ll do my best to oblige.’ His eyes darkened in response. ‘But first I have some good news for once.’

  ‘You don’t mean...’

  ‘Yes.’ His lips curved in a smile. ‘Stephen’s agreed to a treaty. When he dies, Henry will be King.’

  ‘So the war’s over?’

  ‘As good as.’

  She let out a sob and squeezed her arms even tighter around him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

  ‘Why are you crying?’ He looked confused.

  ‘Because I’m so happy!’ She laughed. ‘I can’t believe it’s finally over. It’s been so long.’

  ‘Too long. This should have been over years ago, but it means that England’s a safer place for our children.’ He raised his hands to her cheeks and rubbed the tears away with his thumbs. ‘Speaking of which, where is he?’

  She sniffed, bringing her emotions back under control. ‘Ulf’s giving him archery lessons. They’ve become inseparable recently. How do you think I was able to climb up on the battlements without being chided? Come on.’

  They walked arm in arm to the far side of the bailey, where a small boy was aiming an arrow at a round target.

  ‘Lift your shoulder!’ Lothar bellowed and the boy spun around, dropping the weapon with a yelp of glee as he came hurtling towards them. Juliana took a step to one side quickly, making room as he leapt headlong into his father’s arms.

  ‘Careful!’ Lothar tossed him up into the air and then caught him again, ruffling his dark hair affectionately. ‘That’s your little brother your mother’s carrying.’

  ‘Sorry, Papa.’

  ‘Sister,’ she corrected him. ‘This one’s a girl.’

  ‘How can you tell?’

  ‘Because William here hardly moved at all. Whereas this one...’ She laid a hand on her stomach knowingly. ‘She never stops kicking. Definitely a girl.’

  ‘With red hair.’ He smiled. ‘I hope so, too.’

  ‘But I want a brother!’ William looked indignant. ‘Someone to do archery with.’

  ‘If she takes after her mother then she will.’

  ‘But it might be a brother?’ The little boy still sounded hopeful.

  ‘We’ll see, but I’ve learned to listen to your mother. She’s the Empress around here.’

  ‘Empress?’ She lifted an eyebrow and he grinned.

  ‘Would you prefer Queen?’

  ‘No, just chatelaine. That’s all I ever wanted.’ She reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek. ‘Until a great woman told me I could have something better.’

  ‘Will you come and do archery with me now, Papa?’

  ‘Soon.’ Lothar put the boy down, looking serious again as he nudged him back towards Ulf. ‘I just need to tell your mother somethin
g first.’

  ‘What is it?’ She felt a flutter of panic. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I’ve been thinking about names for the baby.’

  ‘Oh.’ She exhaled with relief. ‘Is that all? Don’t tell me—Matilda for a girl?’

  ‘Gisela. My mother’s name.’

  ‘Oh.’ She was speechless for a few moments. It had been five years since they’d last spoken about his mother and she’d been starting to think that the subject was closed for ever. ‘Gisela. I like that, but are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. I think she would have liked a granddaughter named after her.’

  ‘I think so, too.’ She clasped one of his hands, twining their fingers together. ‘Is it getting any easier to think of her?’

  ‘A little. I try to remember the good times now. We had some of those, too.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  He squeezed her hand. ‘So am I.’

  ‘You know, there was something I always wanted to ask you...’ She paused. There had never seemed a good time for the question, but she was afraid that if she didn’t ask it now then she wouldn’t have the courage again.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘About your father...’ She hesitated again before ploughing on. ‘I wondered if you ever saw him again after you ran away?’

  ‘Did he ever come looking for me, you mean? No.’ His mouth twisted bitterly. ‘But I found him. I went back to Bamburg a few years after Matilda took me in.’

  ‘Oh.’ She tensed. ‘What happened?’

  ‘He was drunk in a tavern. He didn’t even recognise me.’

  ‘Did you...?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I thought I wanted to avenge my mother, but he was no danger to anyone any more. It wouldn’t have been a fair fight. That was what I wanted, to fight him on equal terms, but there was no chance. So I walked out and left.’ He sighed heavily. ‘For as long as I can remember people have looked at me as if I were some heartless monster. I don’t blame them. I wanted to seem that way. I just never realised it made me look exactly like him.’

  ‘You’re not heartless. I knew that from the second day I knew you.’