I Do Not Come to You by Chance

by Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani

  From your story, it appears that you might have been one of their victims. I am glad to see that we have your full cooperation. The millions of dollars contained in their accounts will be used to refund as many victims as we can contact. We promise to do our best to ensure that all your stolen funds are returned to you.

  Please send us any documented proof of whatever payments you made to the scammers. This should help us calculate exactly how much to refund you.

  To facilitate the process of retrieving your funds, we would require a payment of $5,000 US dollars for the International Collaboration fees. This payment should be received within the next two weeks. Your stolen funds will be ready for clearance four days after payment.

  I hope this unfortunate encounter will not prevent you from doing business with Nigerians in future. There are many great Nigerians helping to move the economies of the world forward.

  Yours faithfully,

  Dr Nuhu Ribadu

  Director, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission

  Abuja, Nigeria.

  Forty-two

  We never saw Azuka again. Four days after he was due back in Nigeria, I rang the Tehran hotel and confirmed that he had not come back to his room since his first night. I rang the airline and was informed that his return ticket had not yet been used. I rang his mugu’s contact numbers and was greeted by a polite female voice who responded in Arabic from beginning to end. Or maybe the language was Iranian. After a week of searching and trying, the whole Central Intelligence Agency was bleak with despair.

  ‘Kings, do you think he’s been arrested?’ Buchi asked.

  ‘I have no idea.’

  ‘But had he seen the mugu by the time he called you?’ Wizard asked.

  ‘No. They had spoken, but he was just leaving the hotel for the meeting. The hotel said he hasn’t come back since. All his stuff is still in the room.’

  ‘Can’t we go to the Iranian Embassy and make a report?’ Buchi asked.

  ‘How can?’ Wizard and Ogbonna replied at the same time.

  ‘Even if we pretend to be his relatives,’ I explained, ‘that means we’ll have to give them our contact details to get back to us when they find him. That could just be a neat trap for them to catch all of us.’

  The two new recruits flashed wide open eyes, their faces flooded with dread.

  ‘How about the Nigerian Embassy in Tehran?’ one of them asked.

  ‘Who will we tell them we’re looking for?’ Ogbonna asked back. ‘Sheik Shamshudeen or what?’

  ‘What do you think they could have done to him?’ the second one asked.

  ‘Ah,’ Wizard replied. ‘You know in Iran they use Sharia law. They can either cut off his two hands or just behead him. Simple.’

  There was a deathly silence.

  ‘Kings, maybe you should let Cash Daddy know,’ Buchi suggested quietly.

  ‘Let’s wait a little and see what happens,’ I replied. ‘I’ll try to think of something.’

  After all, it was all my fault. Why had I changed Azuka’s mind about his bad luck? His pessimism might have been his salvation. Perhaps, I did not present my misgivings strongly enough. He might have been dissuaded from going.

  ‘We’re here worrying ourselves,’ Wizard said with an attempt at cheer in his voice. ‘For all we know, they might have given him seventy virgins to keep him busy. That might be why he’s forgotten to call.’

  Nobody laughed.

  I went through the rest of the day’s tasks like a zombie. All my colleagues looked as if they had been sautéed in a deep fog. I thought, kept thinking, and continued thinking, but no solution came to mind. This 419 thing had always been like a game to me - hooking mugus, making hits, returning to the scene of the crime and making more hits. For the first time, I was seeing a chill wind in our game. My sang-froid was in ribbons.

  Eventually, I rang Merit. Thankfully, her evening was free.

  ‘I’ll be at your house around six,’ I said.

  ‘OK, I’ll ask my brother to watch out for you.’

  At least there was something cheerful to look forward to after all this gloom. Merit’s company was a true delight. She could discuss any topic intelligently, her opinions always made sense, but unlike Ola, she was quick to say whatever she thought. At first, I was concerned that she might be an Aunty Dimma in training, but Merit knew the limits of womanhood. On one of the evenings we were out together, I got tired of wincing each time she leaned towards me and finally told her what I thought of her new hairdo.

  ‘You look much better with your natural hair,’ I said. ‘I don’t think you need to use hair extensions.’

  Plus, the hair reminded me too much of the Camille crew. There was never any of them who did not have someone else’s hair stitched into her scalp.

  For almost thirty minutes after my comment, Merit made her strong arguments for hair extensions. At a point, I just kept quiet and let her talk.

  ‘And who says it’s someone else’s hair?’ she concluded. ‘After all, I paid for it with my own money.’

  Nevertheless, she had taken off the extensions the very next day.

  After all was said and done, I preferred a girl who was forthright from the beginning to one who was coy and submissive when things were good and who ended up shutting you out coldly when things went bad.

  And best of all, since meeting Merit, I had never once rung Camille.

  Days later, I was still worrying about Azuka. I acknowledged defeat at last. Cash Daddy’s phone rang out the first time. The second time, he answered after seven rings. His environment sounded rowdy.

  ‘Cash Daddy, please, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘It’s about the office.’

  ‘What type of rubbish is that?’ he yelled. ‘Why didn’t he sign the document?’

  I heard a cowering response from someone in the background and was relieved to realise that my uncle had not been talking to me.

  ‘And so what if it’s not their policy?’ he yelled on.

  The beneficiary of his tirade said something.

  ‘What car does he drive?’ Cash Daddy asked.

  I did not hear the response.

  ‘Burn down that old car and resurrect another one for him within three days,’ Cash Daddy replied. ‘Then take that document back for him to sign.’

  Cash Daddy then returned to me.

  ‘Kings, what’s the problem? How can you be disturbing me with office matters now? I’m beginning to get very suspicious of you. Do you want me to be the next democratically elected executive governor of Abia State or not? You’d better tell me now.’

  ‘Cash Daddy, we haven’t heard from Azuka since he went to Iran. He was due back more than a week ago.’

  He was silent for a very long while.

  ‘I have meetings lined up the whole of today,’ he said at last, in a mellowed voice. He was silent again. ‘Anyway, no problem. Come and see me tonight. I’ll be at my hotel.’

  If anybody had any doubts before, Cash Daddy was clearly now a very important man in Abia State of Nigeria. Four policemen were standing outside the seventh-floor elevator. There were several more policemen and men in dark suits lining the corridor. And they were not the usual noise-making otimkpu; these ones were fully armed to the toenail. My uncle’s head of security identified and passed me, but I was still stopped and searched three different times before finally reaching his suite. Obviously, Cash Daddy had heeded the warnings of his lawyer about the dangers of Nigerian politics. He was not taking any chances on his enemies sneaking up on him while he slept.

  Protocol Officer was sitting with Cash Daddy’s campaign manager in the outer room. He asked me to go inside.

  The ticket holder of the NAP gubernatorial ticket was sitting on the bed with a towel wrapped around his waist, shouting into his cellular phone. There were three Indian girls in exotic Indian wear, massaging different parts of his body. Apparently, the local market was no l
onger sufficient; my uncle was now hiring expatriate genitalia.

  ‘Kings, what did you say happened to Azuka?’ he asked as soon as he finished his call.

  I leaned forward in my chair.

  ‘Cash Daddy, honestly, I don’t even know where to start.’

  ‘Make up your mind quickly,’ he replied, and lay flat on his belly in bed. ‘My eyes are almost closing.’

  I told him everything, not forgetting to mention my warning to Azuka and all my efforts to trace him so far. All the while I was speaking, Cash Daddy’s eyes were closed and the girls continued moving their hands up and down his body. He remained like that for a long time after I finished. Just when I had concluded that he had fallen asleep, he spoke, still without opening his eyes.

  ‘Kings, tell me what you think. If a man is standing on the rail track and a train comes and knocks him down. What would you say killed him?’

  I did not say anything.

  ‘Kings.’

  ‘Yes, Cash Daddy.’

  ‘What will you say killed him?’

  ‘Azuka?’

  ‘Noooo. The man standing on the rail track.’

  ‘The train?’

  He laughed.

  ‘It’s not the train. It’s his stupidity that killed him. Or his deafness. One of the two. Did he not hear the train coming? I’m disappointed. I’m very, very disappointed. I knew Azuka had bad luck, but I didn’t know he was this stupid. I can’t believe I had such a stupid person working for me. How can he carry his two legs and go to Iran?’

  Listening to him was somehow a relief. Cash Daddy was right. Azuka had been stupid, and there I was thinking it was my fault. There I was worrying that this business of ours was more dangerous than I had previously thought, that I might someday fall into unforeseen troubles. It was all about sense and craft. And I was certainly not as stupid as Azuka. Like the spider spinning her web and knowing which threads were safe for her to tread on and which were the sticky ones meant to trap her meals, I was quite a master at the work of my hands. One of the Indian girls started cracking the knuckles of Cash Daddy’s toes.

  ‘The thing about our business is that one has to be smart,’ Cash Daddy continued. ‘There are mugus in America, Britain, Germany, Russia, Argentina, France, Brazil, Switzerland, Spain, Australia, Canada, Japan, Belgium, New Zealand, Italy, Netherlands, Denmark, Norway . . . Kings, remind me. What other countries?’

  ‘Spain.’

  ‘No. I’ve already mentioned that one.’

  ‘Japan.’

  ‘I’ve also mentioned that one.’

  ‘Errr . . . Israel.’

  ‘Good! Even Israel. There are mugus all over the world. Yet it’s the one in Iran that Azuka went to look for. Doesn’t he know that those ones are not real oyibo people? Their level of mugu is not as high. In fact, they are almost as smart as we are. Me, I’m not afraid of anybody, but I know where to put my leg and where not to put my leg. That’s one of the secrets of my success. Azuka was just stupid.’

  He hissed and kept quiet.

  ‘But, Cash Daddy, isn’t there anything we can do?’

  ‘Of course, there is. Why not? First thing tomorrow morning, you can go to the Iranian Embassy and tell them you’re looking for one of your brothers who went to Tehran to collect from a mugu. Tell them that both of you do jobs together, that your brother hasn’t yet come back and you’re missing him at the office.’ He paused. ‘Or, you can go all the way to Iran and try and find the mugu. You have the man’s address, don’t you?’

  I sat there, gripping the arms of my chair. My head was woozy, my palms were sweaty, my heart was thumping fast. Azuka was gone. Vanished. Just like that. And there was nothing any of us could do about it. Not even Cash Daddy who usually had a solution to every problem.

  To think that Azuka had been so gay and confident on his way to doom, like the moth as it dances into the flame. What if disaster suddenly overtook me while I was feeling safe and smug? What if the FBI or Interpol were waiting when next I turned up at an airport? What if a disgruntled mugu somehow traced me back to Nigeria and did my family harm? I could almost feel my hair whitening with fright.

  ‘Don’t you?’ Cash Daddy repeated.

  I jumped.

  ‘Yes, I do,’ I replied slowly.

  ‘Good. You can go tomorrow. If you leave for Lagos tomorrow morning, you should be able to catch the first flight to Iran. But before you go, make sure you tell me what story you want me to tell your mother when you don’t come back. Which reminds me. Why have you been having problems with your mother?’

  ‘What problems?’ I asked, surprised. I had never discussed anything about my mother with him.

  ‘This woman phoned the other day. What’s her name? That mad woman who left her husband’s house.’

  ‘Aunty Dimma?’

  ‘Yes, that’s the one. I couldn’t talk to her, but she left a message with Protocol Officer on my phone. She said your mother is very worried about you, that I should leave you alone to go and find a job. What’s the problem? What’s happening?’

  Aunty Dimma and her uninvited opinions yet again. But there was something about the atmosphere, something about the realisation that Azuka might be gone forever and Cash Daddy’s swift change of subject beyond that problem, that made me gush. Like a geyser, I vented everything, complete with my mother refusing my gifts and better medical treatment when she was ill.

  ‘Sometimes when I go to visit her,’ I concluded, ‘I wonder if all the money I’m making is worth it. I think she was even happier when she had nothing except the hope that I would one day get a job and start taking care of her. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Sometime ago, I was considering maybe going back to school to do a postgraduate or something. I really don’t know.’

  ‘There’s a pimple on my cheek,’ Cash Daddy said. ‘Press it.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘There’s a pimple on my cheek,’ Cash Daddy said again. ‘Press it.’

  I realised that he was talking to his Indian girls. Apparently, none of them expected that talking or listening would be part of the job description. They ignored his instruction.

  ‘Kings, I don’t think these girls understand English. Explain to them what I’m saying.’

  I reached out and tapped one of the girls. With fingers on my face, I puffed out my cheek, and showed her what Cash Daddy wanted.

  ‘Ahhnnnnnnnnnnnn,’ she said and smiled, then went to work.

  ‘So how is your mother’s health now?’ Cash Daddy asked. ‘Is she feeling better?’

  ‘Yes, she’s a lot better. She eventually saw the eye specialist and they did some tests. The medicine he gave her seems to be working.’

  He nodded.

  ‘Kings, I don’t believe that at this stage in your life you’re still talking about going back to school. Look, don’t burn down your whole house because of the presence of a rat. You know what we shall do? Just hold on for a while. Just hold on. Once I become governor, I’ll find you one small political appointment that will keep her happy.’

  He flapped his right hand in the air like someone flicking through a bulky file.

  ‘Maybe something in the Ministry of Education or Ministry of Finance,’ he said, arriving at the page he wanted at last.

  ‘How about the Ministry of Works and Transport?’ I asked. Since my father had worked there, my mother would definitely be thrilled.

  ‘If that’s what you prefer,’ Cash Daddy replied. ‘But it has to be something small that won’t take too much of your attention. Because as soon as I become governor, I’ll have even less time for business than I have now.’

  It was understandable for Cash Daddy to be concerned about the future of his business. He had spent years building things up to this level - the local and foreign contacts, the staff, the expertise. He had also taken great pains to recruit and groom me. His suggestion made sense.

  ‘The problem with you is that you don’t know how to think,’ Cash Daddy continued. ‘Too muc
h book has blocked your brain. You see all these problems you’re having with your mother? They will all disappear as soon as you get married. Can you imagine how happy she’ll be if you brought a wife for her? Once your mother starts seeing grandchildren all over the place, she’ll forget about your job.’

  Hmm. This sounded quite attractive. And Merit had the sort of appearance that my mother was likely to fall for. She looked like a utensil, not an ornament.

  ‘Even me,’ Cash Daddy continued, ‘I’m thinking of picking an extra wife. Because of my new status. You understand?’

  He asked the question solemnly, like a humble man struggling to cope with the greatness that had suddenly been thrust upon him. I nodded.

  ‘After my first term in office, when I’m campaigning for second term, I want to have a beautiful young woman who’ll be following me around. I hear that’s the way they do it in America. I hear they even carry their children around with them sometimes. Maybe, I’ll bring my boy to join me, too. You know he speaks very, very good English. His English is even better than yours.’

  How would his current Mrs react to the concept of her husband bringing in a second wife who would be the face of her husband’s campaigns? I could only imagine.

  ‘But Kings, sometimes you make me wonder.’

  He shook his head out of the pimple-presser’s grasp and turned to me.

  ‘Look, there are many different ways to kill a rat. You just need to forget all the books you read in school and learn how to think smarter. A person who doesn’t know how to dance should look at those who know and imitate their steps. Look at me for example. You know I have my car showrooms and my filling stations?’

  I nodded.

  ‘You know I have my hotels and my rented properties?’

  I nodded.

  ‘That’s being smart. That way, when people ask, I can always point and say, this is what I do that brings in my money, that’s what I do that brings in my money. Do you understand what I’m saying?’