Chocolate Box Girls: Bittersweet

by Cathy Cassidy

  I sleep, and somehow I forget. I dream of moonlight and stars and sitting on the steps of the gypsy caravan with Cherry, last summer when we first met. In my dreams, the air is warm and the trees are strung with fairy lights and the two of us are talking, laughing, holding hands. We have big dreams, big hopes; and all of them are still possible.

  And then I wake up, and grim reality crashes back in.

  Tuesday turns into Wednesday, Wednesday into Thursday, and still Cherry won’t even look at me.

  What do you do when you feel so low you don’t even want to lift your head up off the pillow? When your dreams of stardom bite the dust and bring you crashing down with them? When your dad treats you like dirt and your friends think you’re crazy and the only girl you ever really cared about ditches you because you tried to stop your ex running away to London?

  You write a song.

  You stay up late night after night down by the ocean, playing sad melodies until the words you cannot say to her in the daytime fall out of your mouth and drift into the darkness, making patterns with the music, pulling the sadness from your soul and turning it into something new, something better, something beautiful.

  The song is called ‘Bittersweet’, and it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done – it’s a pity Cherry won’t ever get to hear it.

  ‘Bittersweet’ says all the things I want to say but can’t – if Cherry heard it she would understand, surely? She’d know that I’m sorry.

  If I had the guts, I would pick up my guitar, walk over to Tanglewood House and play my new song in the moonlight beneath her window. The trouble is Cherry has the attic room; she might not even hear me, and knowing my luck Summer and Skye would spot me first and chuck a bucket of water over me. Or possibly boiling oil?

  I sink on to a rock at the water’s edge instead, pick up my guitar and start to play, losing myself in the song:

  A seagull’s call cuts through the misty morning

  Sunlight hasn’t touched the blankets yet …

  I hear your voice whisper in my waking dream,

  And tell myself you’re here, and I forget –

  How yesterday your smiling eyes they left me;

  How yesterday your heart it turned away;

  Last night I dreamt of cherry-blossom trees, but now

  Comes the bittersweet reality of day …

  As the last chorus fades away, I hear gentle clapping from behind me and jerk round to see a shadowy figure against the cliffs.. Hope floods me and I drop the guitar, scramble to my feet.

  ‘Cherry?’

  But Honey Tanberry steps out of the shadows, and my heart sinks.

  ‘Sorry to disappoint you, Shay,’ she says. ‘Of course, there was a time when you’d have been pleased to see me …’

  ‘Huh,’ I snap. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘It’s a free country, isn’t it? Last time I checked, this wasn’t your private stretch of beach.’

  I scowl. ‘Haven’t you caused enough trouble?’

  ‘Me?’ she echoes, wide-eyed. ‘Shay, it was you who lied to Cherry!’

  ‘But you stirred things up,’ I remind her. ‘And you enjoyed it.’

  ‘Maybe I did,’ she admits. ‘The way I see it, Cherry had it coming – she did the same to me, didn’t she?’

  ‘It wasn’t the same at all,’ I say firmly. ‘What happened last summer was my fault, not Cherry’s, but you’ve never let either of us forget it. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole thing wasn’t one big set-up, designed to split us up!’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ Honey huffs, her eyes flashing anger. ‘Don’t flatter yourself, Shay. What happened last summer is over with – I’ve moved on. I had way bigger things on my mind this Monday than you and your moody little girlfriend!’

  I sigh, sitting down again as the truth of this sinks in.

  ‘I guess,’ I admit. ‘Sorry, Honey.’

  ‘I have to admit I’ve kind of enjoyed the fallout, though,’ she grins. ‘I didn’t think you had it in you to mess up so spectacularly, Shay, but I was wrong. And Cherry is just as stupid and stubborn as you are, moping and mooning around like it’s the end of the world but too proud to do anything to fix it. Too bad.’

  ‘She’s moping?’ I say, suddenly hopeful. ‘She misses me?’

  ‘Like I told you, she’s not very bright,’ Honey shrugs. ‘She misses you, but she’s really hurt … Skye and Summer and Coco are telling her to be brave, stay strong. And none of them will talk to me! What a joke!’

  ‘But we didn’t do anything,’ I argue. ‘Nothing wrong, anyway!’

  ‘Tell her that,’ Honey sighs. ‘I already know.’

  ‘She won’t take my calls or read my messages or texts,’ I say. ‘I’m doomed.’

  ‘Maybe you’re better off without her?’

  Honey leans down towards me, brushing the hair from my face. Her fingers stroke my cheek, trace the shape of my lips, slide softly down my throat to rest on my collarbone. I close my eyes, my breathing suddenly ragged. I have never felt as lost or lonely as I do right now, and it would be good, so good, to hold someone close.

  But the person I want to hold close is not Honey.

  I pull back abruptly, and my ex-girlfriend laughs, tugging the beanie hat I always wear down over my face, turning the whole thing into a joke.

  ‘Hey, you can’t blame a girl for trying,’ she says, flopping down on to a rock a safe distance away. ‘I guess you really are missing Cherry – how else could you resist me? Better tell her, Shay. Stuff the emails and texts, be direct. Paint it in three-foot-high letters along the playing-field fence at school … do SOMETHING!’

  ‘Well, I wrote her a song …’

  ‘Is that what you were playing before?’ she asks. ‘Nice one. Mopey, but nice. Why don’t you put it online and send her the link? Declare your love for all to see? She’d fall for that, I bet!’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘I think,’ Honey says. ‘Play it again and I’ll film it for you and email it over. You can do whatever you like with it then.’

  She perches on the rock, fiddling with her mobile, while I pick up the guitar and strum some chords. Then I start to play properly, and I forget that Honey is watching, filming. I put everything into the music … my heart, my soul, my feelings for Cherry.

  I lose myself and find myself again.

  And then the song is over, and the music lets go of me and I focus again, seeing Honey, the mobile, the empty beach, the sunset fading into darkness. Nothing is different. My life is still in ruins and my girlfriend hates me, and I am hanging out for the second time in a week with my ex, which really, seriously, cannot be a good thing.

  Honey puts away her mobile, stands up.

  ‘I’m not a total bitch, you know,’ she says quietly. ‘I’ve tried telling Cherry that nothing happened on Monday. I swore there was no funny business, but she didn’t believe me. Why do people never believe me?’

  I can think of a few reasons, but I say nothing. Honey is a magnet for trouble, but she has a sweet side too and right now she is trying to do something useful, something to fix up the mess the two of us have created between us.

  ‘I’ll load this on to my laptop and email it over to you,’ she says. ‘I hope you can patch things up. Really. And I hope your dad has a personality transplant and works out that he has two talented sons, not just one. It sucks about Wrecked Rekords.’

  ‘It does,’ I say. ‘Thanks for trying to help.’

  She pauses, the wind catching her hair. ‘You really love her, don’t you?’ she says. ‘Cherry. That’s cute. Really. Don’t mess it up.’

  She turns away, and I am almost certain I can see the glint of tears in her eyes.

  I sleep late on Friday, and as I’m scrambling into my school clothes, my mobile rings: Finch.

  ‘Hello, mate,’ I say. ‘How’s life in the big city?’

  ‘Pretty dull compared to the dramas going on down your way,’ he responds coolly. ‘I was speaking to
Skye last night. I never had you down as a love-cheat. What are you playing at, Shay?’

  I sigh. How could I forget that Finch and Skye were an item? They were practically joined at the hip all summer. Looks like I just lost another friend.

  ‘It wasn’t like that,’ I tell him. ‘Seriously.’

  ‘So what was it like?’

  I talk to Finch and the whole story spills out: Honey threatening to run away, Cherry calling at just the wrong moment, how trying to help turned into a disaster. I tell him about the awkward moment in the school canteen when Cherry saw her stepsister’s thank-you hug and got the wrong idea, how the school grapevine took it and blew it out of all proportion, turned me into a lying love-rat.

  ‘There was really nothing in it?’ Finch checks. ‘What a mess. Mate, you’d better set the record straight quick because right now you are not popular with the Tanberry-Costello family.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ I say. ‘I’m not popular with anyone lately. It sucks.’

  ‘Gotta go, mate,’ Finch says. ‘School’s calling, and I’m helping in the studio later. They’re filming the last few studio scenes for the movie. Good luck with Cherry!’

  ‘I’ll need it!’

  By the time I end the call, it’s too late to even think about cycling to school. Looks like I’ll be braving the bus – and if I survive that, I might try yet again to screw up my courage and talk to Cherry. Finch is right – the longer I leave it, the worse it will be. Today I will swallow my pride and tell Cherry exactly what happened, even if it means grovelling a little. Or a lot.

  I grab a quick smoothie in the kitchen while Mum, Dad and Ben sit down to a full-English. Dad is sorting through his post and passes a long white envelope across to Ben.

  ‘Sheffield Hallam University,’ he comments, looking at the postmark. ‘What the heck do they want? You went to Birmingham!’

  Ben takes the envelope and slices it open, unfolding the sheaves of paper inside. He scans the contents, smiles, then folds it up and puts it back again.

  ‘Mistake, is it?’ Dad presses. ‘Just bin it, son. No worries.’

  ‘It’s not a mistake,’ Ben says.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘They do a great postgrad course at Sheffield,’ Ben says carelessly. ‘I can turn my degree into a teaching qualification.’

  Dad pauses, a chunk of black pudding speared on his fork, hovering in mid-air.

  ‘Why would you want to do that, Ben?’ he asks quietly.

  My brother shrugs. ‘I’d like to teach,’ he says. ‘I’ve always enjoyed teaching the kids at the sailing centre, and it got me thinking about what I want to do with my life.’

  Mum moves her chair back from the table and stands, scraping her half-empty plate into the bin and catching my eye with an anxious expression. I don’t blame her – I’m feeling anxious too.

  ‘You already know what you’re doing with your life, Ben,’ Dad is saying. ‘You’re going to work alongside me, at the sailing centre – and take over one day. It’s understood.’

  ‘Not by me,’ Ben shrugs. ‘I’ve never actually said that was what I wanted, Dad. I’ve tried to tell you about this a million times – you never listen.’

  ‘Of course I don’t,’ Dad snaps. ‘It’s nonsense. You don’t need to do a postgrad course. Why would you want to be a poxy PE teacher, running round after snotty-nosed kids? I need you here – I’m happy to give you more freedom within the business, listen to your ideas – and in a year or two I’ll make you the general manager.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Ben says. ‘Helping out at the sailing centre has only ever been temporary for me. I want to teach, and this course is one of the best in the country.’

  Dad looks bewildered. He is used to Ben doing exactly as he suggests – I guess we all are.

  ‘Well,’ he blusters. ‘We’ll talk about it. Not many young men get to walk into a managerial job in the family business. I admire your independent streak, but we’re in a recession right now, son. A job means security, a future …’

  ‘Dad,’ Ben says patiently. ‘I’m sorry. I’m going to do the postgrad course at Sheffield. It’s all decided.’

  ‘Not this year, though?’ Dad argues. ‘It’s too late to apply now; term must be starting in a week or so.’

  ‘I applied in January,’ my brother says. ‘They offered me a place and I grabbed it with both hands. I’ve been trying to tell you ever since …’

  Mum steps forward with a well-timed mug of tea, aimed at calming the situation, but as she sets it down on the tabletop Dad slams his fist down, splashing tea everywhere and making his breakfast plate clatter.

  ‘NO!’ he roars at several thousand decibels. ‘No, Ben, I am not going to let you do this. You’ll live to regret it, and I will not let you ruin your life!’

  ‘But, Dad,’ Ben says reasonably. ‘It’s my life, surely? I’m not a kid any more, I’m twenty-one years old. I have thought this through long and hard, and it’s what I want. I’m sorry but I am going to do it, whether you like it or not.’

  ‘Over my dead body!’ Dad roars, and his arm swipes across the tabletop, sending the breakfast plate and the mug of tea flying across the kitchen to smash into the cupboards and splatter all over the tiles.

  ‘Go, Shay,’ Mum says, stuffing my rucksack into my arms and pushing me towards the door. ‘You too, Ben. Give your dad a chance to cool down …’

  I don’t need telling twice. I am out of there, grabbing my guitar and legging it out of the door. I’m running late already, and the kitchen drama hasn’t helped – unless I sprint I might actually miss the school bus and earn myself a late-mark for my trouble. I am loping along the path when I hear the door slam behind me.

  ‘Wait up, little brother,’ Ben yells. ‘You’re cutting it a bit fine, aren’t you? I’ll give you a lift. C’mon … I could use the company!’

  ‘OK – thanks!’

  Ben’s face is set, determined. He doesn’t say much as we pile into his beat-up old car and drive away from the kerb, just slides the sunroof back and slots an ancient Beach Boys CD into the player and turns the volume up to max. We drive like this for ten minutes, deafened by Ben’s favourite surf band churning out relentlessy happy sixties pop, before he relents and turns the volume down to bearable again.

  ‘I am going, you know,’ he says eventually. ‘I’m sick of him running my life for me, controlling every little thing I do. I didn’t know any better when I was your age, Shay, but I’m older now – I know what I want, and it definitely isn’t this.’

  ‘Dad’ll calm down,’ I say. ‘I think it was just a shock for him – it was for me!’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ben sighs. ‘Sorry. I should have said something to you. Mum told me to …’

  ‘Mum knew?’ I check, surprised.

  ‘Yeah, of course. She’s totally behind me. I’ve tried to talk to Dad about it loads of times, but he won’t listen – he just blocks me off, changes the subject. Mum was going to break it to him gently, but … too late now.’

  ‘Wow.’ I blink. ‘I always thought you wanted to run the sailing centre. I mean, I know that you wanted to be a footballer until you had that injury, but after that I was pretty sure you were set on the sailing centre. I really had no idea!’

  ‘That was all Dad too,’ Ben says, his eyes on the road. ‘I liked football, but it was his passion, not mine. I was good at footy, and Dad pushed me, so I went along with it … until Southampton dropped me from the youth squad. That’s when it all went pear-shaped.’

  ‘Yeah, the accident,’ I remember. ‘That must have felt like the end of the world.’

  Ben just laughs. ‘Shay … there was no accident,’ he says. ‘No injury. Southampton dropped me from the squad because in the end I wasn’t good enough.’

  My head struggles to make sense of this.

  ‘But you said …’

  ‘Dad said,’ Ben corrects me. ‘He told everyone I’d had an injury because he couldn’t bear to tell people the truth … that I jus
t didn’t make the grade. He was ashamed of me, Shay. I’d let him down.’

  ‘Whoa,’ I say. ‘I never had a clue! I mean … you’re Dad’s blue-eyed boy, Ben! The favourite! He’s always been so proud of you …’

  ‘That’s what I always thought too,’ he shrugs. ‘But Dad’s such a control freak – he was only ever proud of me when I was doing what he said, and doing well at it. When things went wrong he lied to everyone to save face. How d’you think that felt?’

  I’m guessing Ben felt the way Dad’s always made me feel – a disappointment, a let-down, second best, but there is no comfort in knowing that my perfect big brother is not so perfect after all. I just feel sorry for him, and glad that he’s able to get out of Kitnor and follow his own path.

  I notice that Ben has driven right past the turn-off for Minehead.

  ‘Hey – you’ve missed the turning!’ I point out. ‘Better take the next left, or I’ll be late for school!’

  ‘You’re not going to school today,’ Ben says. ‘Lessons can wait. Dad almost ruined things for me, Shay – I’m not going to let him do the same to you. Sometimes you have to seize the moment – take the opportunities that come your way.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Take control of your own destiny,’ he says. ‘Look to the future.’

  ‘Ben, what are you talking about?’

  ‘Wrecked Rekords,’ my big brother says. ‘You and I are going to London!’

  As kidnaps go, this one is pretty cool. The morning unfolds into a road trip, with lots of brotherly bonding and advice and a long stop for Coke and chips at a greasy-spoon cafe just outside Swindon. The two of us have never talked so much before, not properly – our friendliest exchanges have always been wind-ups and jokes.

  We’ve never been close – perhaps that was Dad’s fault, or maybe it was just the age gap, but now I am getting to know my big brother and I can see he’s not so very different from me. A couple of times I think of telling him about Cherry, but I don’t know where to start. I want Ben’s support, but not his pity.