A Place at Our Table

by Amy Clipston

  Laura rested her cheek on his shoulder as tears trailed down her face.

  Kayla cleared her throat and scanned the front yard, where dozens more community members stood talking. She searched each face for Jamie, but he was nowhere in sight. “Where’s Jamie?”

  Laura’s expression grew grim. “He’s in the basement.”

  “The basement?” Kayla tilted her head to the side. “I don’t understand.”

  “He’s replacing the banister.” Rudy took a fresh tissue offered by Savilla and handed it to Laura.

  “Why would he do that now?” Kayla searched their faces in an attempt to understand what they were saying.

  Laura looked up at Rudy as if asking him to explain.

  “Jamie blames himself for Dorothy’s fall. He knew the banister had to be replaced and he didn’t do it right away.” Rudy spoke in a hushed tone. “Mark tried to convince him to wait until after the funeral, but he refused. He insisted it had to be done today. We couldn’t get him to come upstairs.”

  Laura’s expression suddenly brightened as she reached out and touched Kayla’s arm. “Maybe you could convince him to stop. He likes you. Maybe he’ll listen to you.”

  “I don’t know,” Kayla hedged. “We don’t know each other very well. I don’t see how I can help at a time like this.”

  “Please try.” Laura’s eyes pleaded with Kayla.

  Kayla nodded. “Ya, of course I will.”

  “Danki.” Laura pointed toward the front door of the house. “The basement door is right off the kitchen. You might hear him hammering.”

  “I’ll do my best.” Kayla went into the house and wove through the knot of mourners as she made her way to the kitchen. She saw more than one door, all closed. Listening intently, she could hear hammering even above all the voices, and she went to the door that seemed to be the way down.

  She gripped the knob, closed her eyes, and silently prayed she could be a blessing to Jamie.

  THIRTEEN

  Kayla hesitated and took a deep breath as she continued to grip the cool doorknob. Despite her prayer, doubt invaded her resolve. Was she the best person to talk to Jamie? She didn’t know him well enough to offer her condolences and comfort at a time like this, did she?

  Then Kayla remembered the desperation in Laura’s eyes. She’d promised her new friend she’d do her best to help Jamie. She couldn’t let Laura down. Her stomach clenched as she opened the door and stepped onto the basement stairs. She quietly pulled the door shut behind her and placed her hand flat on the wall as she negotiated the first three steps. Her eyes moved to take in the expanse of the basement.

  It was full of shelves holding a variety of canned goods, boxes, random pieces of furniture, and tools. Splintered pieces of wood—surely remnants of the broken banister—littered the gray cement floor. A pile of new wood, along with nails and tools, sat next to the splintered pieces.

  Jamie was hunched over the bottom step, hammering one of the pieces of wood that lined the steps, ready to serve as the base for the new banister. He looked up, and when his gaze locked with hers, she held her breath. His normally bright eyes were dull and red-rimmed, and his mouth was pressed into a thin line. He placed the hammer on the bottom step and pushed his hand through his hair. “Kayla.”

  Suddenly speechless and wringing her hands, she took a fresh breath and searched her mind for something to say. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Danki.” He gave her a curt nod and then hesitated. “How did you know I was down here?”

  “Laura told me.” She waited for him to say something, but he remained silent, his eyes fixed on hers. “Do you want to talk?”

  He shook his head.

  “Okay. Is it all right if I keep you company while you work?”

  He hesitated, but then said, “Ya, that’s fine.”

  She sank onto the step, tucking the skirt of her dress behind her legs. Then she rested her elbows on her knees and calmed herself as Jamie returned to hammering.

  For several minutes, he continued working, adding another piece of wood between two of the posts already there. She studied his bleak expression, silently willing him to open up to her. He looked as if he carried the weight of the world on his broad shoulders.

  “It’s my fault,” Jamie suddenly said, his voice sounding small and unsure as it echoed in the large basement. He stepped back from the staircase and gestured toward it. “If I had done this weeks ago, mei mamm would still be alive.”

  “That’s not true,” Kayla insisted. “Whatever happens is God’s will, and there’s nothing you could have done.”

  “That’s what Noah said, but I have a difficult time believing that.” He set the hammer on the bottom step and looked up at her. His voice shook and his eyes shimmered with tears. “When the call came over the radio, I was at the fire station. We’d had a busy day, and I was exhausted. When I heard my address, at first I thought I had imagined it.” He went on to describe everything that happened, including Cindy’s reaction and when Noah tried to reassure him he wasn’t to blame for his mother’s accident.

  As Kayla listened to his story, her throat dried and her eyes filled with fresh tears. She held her breath in an attempt to keep herself from crying.

  He jabbed his chest twice with one finger. “I know it’s my fault. I told Cindy I would fix the banister first thing the next morning, but now mei mamm is dead and mei schweschder hates me.” The pain in his face nearly sliced her heart in two.

  “Your schweschder loves you,” she said, her own voice quavering. “She’s just upset and she took her grief out on you. I was broken when Simeon died and I took my emotions out on other people. I remember lashing out at Nathan more than once, but I love Nathan. Cindy doesn’t hate you.”

  “Ya, she does. She hasn’t looked at me or spoken to me since it happened, and I don’t blame her because I hate myself too.” His voice broke and his handsome face crumpled as a choked sob escaped. He sank to his knees and covered his face with his hands.

  Kayla launched herself down the stairs, and, without thinking, knelt on the hard floor to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him against her. At first, his body went rigid, but he suddenly relaxed against her, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he sobbed.

  “I’m so sorry,” she murmured as she held him close, tears pouring down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

  After several minutes, he stopped crying and drew back. She released his neck, and he stood up straight and rubbed his eyes. He reached for her hand and pulled her to her feet. Although she longed to console him, she resisted the urge to reach up and wipe the tears from his cheeks. After all, she’d already been much too forward and bold, but how could she not comfort a grieving friend?

  “I’ve been holding that in since it happened.” He glanced at the corner and then brought over two folding chairs. After opening them, he tapped one. “Would you please sit with me?”

  “Ya, of course.” She lowered herself onto the chair as he sat down across from her.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” He cupped his hand to his forehead. “It’s been a horrible couple of days. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and find this is a bad dream, but it isn’t.” He folded his hands in his lap as he looked at her. “You should be at work.”

  She shook her head. “We closed the restaurant this afternoon.”

  “Your parents closed the restaurant for my family?”

  She nodded. “Of course we did. We’re freinden, right?”

  “Ya.” Jamie stared down at his hands, and she sensed his unbearable sadness and grief. Kayla longed to take away his pain. She reached for his hand but then pulled her arm back. She’d already been too brazen, and she didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. If only he would tell her everything going on in his mind, she could try to help him.

  “Jamie,” she began, and his eyes snapped to hers. “Please talk to me.”

  “I don’t even know what to say.” He folded his arms over his wide chest. “I
’m so confused.”

  “It might help you if you talk about how you’re feeling.”

  He looked over at the stairs, and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I asked Mamm and Cindy to be careful on the stairs that day, but I never imagined the loose banister would cause something like this. Mark and I bought the supplies weeks ago, and we meant to fix the banister more than once. But other chores took priority. If I had only known what would happen, I would have replaced it the day we bought the wood and nails. Now it’s too late.”

  “You have to stop punishing yourself.” She pointed to the basement ceiling. “You should come upstairs with me. Have you eaten?”

  He shook his head. “I haven’t been hungry.”

  “Let’s go get something to eat.” She stood and held out her hand. “There’s all kinds of food upstairs. The kitchen smells wonderful.”

  He shook his head. “No, I can’t go up there.”

  “Why not?” She continued to hold out her hand in the hopes he’d take it. “Hundreds of people have come to express their condolences. The community cares about you and your family.”

  “I can’t face them. Besides, my family doesn’t want me around.”

  “That’s not true.” She let her arm fall to her side. “Laura asked me to come down and convince you to come upstairs. You should be with your family.”

  His expression hardened. “That’s why you came down here? You’re just trying to help Laura?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I was looking for you. I’ve been worried about you since Brody and Leon told me what happened. When I couldn’t find you in the haus, I asked Laura where you were. She told me you were down here. She did ask me to try to convince you to come upstairs, but I would have done that anyway.”

  The door opened and Kayla walked over to the staircase to see who was coming.

  Nathan appeared on the steps and shut the door behind him. “I’ve been looking for you. Laura said to come down here.” He looked at Jamie, his face expressing the empathy Kayla knew he felt. “I’m so sorry about your mamm.”

  “Danki.” Jamie stood. “It was nice of you to come.”

  Nathan scanned the basement and then looked at Jamie once again. “Do you need help with the banister?”

  Jamie’s facial muscles tensed. “You want to help me?”

  “Why not?” Nathan shrugged. “You helped rebuild our barn.”

  Jamie’s expression softened. “I suppose that’s true. I’d appreciate the help.”

  “Let’s get started.” Nathan pointed at the pieces of wood Jamie had nailed to the stairs. “I guess you’re ready to put the banister on now. I’ll hand you the nails while you hammer.” He turned toward Kayla. “Looks like you’ll be the supervisor.”

  “Ya, I can handle that.” She sat back down in the folding chair as her heart swelled with admiration for her younger brother. Nathan and Jamie set to work.

  An hour later, Jamie surveyed the finished banister. He’d hoped replacing the banister would begin to repair the gaping hole in his chest, but it felt just as big as when he first walked down the stairs.

  Mark had begged Jamie not to deal with the banister today, but Jamie couldn’t bring himself to face their community. He also couldn’t stomach the accusatory looks Cindy threw at him every time he looked at her.

  “You don’t like it.” Nathan broke through Jamie’s mental tirade.

  “What?” Jamie rubbed the back of his neck in an attempt to loosen his tight muscles.

  “I said you don’t like it.”

  “I didn’t say that. It’s fine.” Jamie ran his fingers over the homemade banister. It was simple but functional. Substantial. “I appreciate the help.”

  “I wasn’t much help. Woodworking isn’t really my gift.” Nathan gave him a crooked smile, then turned to his sister. “I guess I’m better at washing dishes, right, Kay?”

  “You’re an expert at wiping down tables.” Kayla said, laughing, and Jamie enjoyed the sweet sound.

  “See?” Nathan said. “My true gift is working in a restaurant. I don’t think that will impress the maed in my youth group, though.”

  “I suppose it will impress a maedel who doesn’t like to cook.” Jamie snickered despite the heaviness still in is chest.

  “See, there’s hope for you yet, Nathan.” Kayla sidled up to Jamie and touched his arm. “It’s gut to see you smile. I promise you life will look brighter in time. Just give yourself space to grieve.”

  “Danki.” Jamie took in her porcelain skin and the golden hair peeking out from under her prayer covering. She was beautiful. More beautiful than he’d remembered.

  Having her close was a welcome balm to his soul. He’d retreated to the basement to escape the crowd, but also to try to hide from the suffocating bereavement sucking the life out of him. He’d hoped replacing the banister would somehow help his soul. But, of course, it hadn’t.

  Jamie was afraid Kayla would flee from the basement when he started crying. Some people were uncomfortable with emotion from others. But instead she wrapped him in her arms and consoled him. It was as if she’d known exactly what he needed. He felt safe in her arms. Being with her felt natural, but he was a mess. If only his life were different, then maybe he would snatch her up before another man had the chance.

  She tilted her head as she looked at him. “Are you all right?”

  “Ya.” Jamie cleared his throat. “I’m really glad you and Nathan came today. Danki for coming down here.”

  “Gern gschehne.” She turned to her brother. “We’ve been down here for quite a while. I guess we should see if Mamm and Dat are looking for us.”

  Nathan pointed to the wood shavings, nails, and broken banister pieces on the floor. “Why don’t I help clean this up before we head upstairs?”

  Jamie shook his head. “No, don’t worry about the mess. I can take care of it next week.”

  “I insist.” Nathan began piling up the unused wood and nodded toward a broom in the corner. “Would you please sweep up, Kay?”

  “No.” Jamie touched her arm. “I don’t want you to get your dress dirty.” He turned to Nathan. “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll take care of it next week. Mark will help me.”

  “All right.” Nathan shook his hand. “If I can help with anything on the farm, just let me know. I can come over next weekend and give you and Mark a hand if you need it.”

  Gratitude swelled inside Jamie. “I appreciate that very much. You were a great help, and I think you can do more than wash dishes.”

  Nathan chuckled. “That means a lot. Hopefully I’ll be fighting fires alongside you someday—if I can ever convince my parents to allow me.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, Jamie could see Kayla frown. That was still a sore subject. He braced himself for her disapproval, but to his surprise she remained silent. Was she considering changing her mind about Nathan’s desire to become a firefighter?

  “I hope to see you again soon. I’ll go find Mamm and Dat.” Nathan started up the stairs.

  Jamie swiveled toward Kayla. She was still frowning. They stared at each other, and he had the sudden urge to hug her. He longed to feel her warm embrace.

  “Nathan was a great help to me,” he finally said, gesturing toward the banister.

  “Ya. He’s a gut young man.” She hesitated for a moment. “When I lost mei older bruder, people offered a lot of platitudes and empty words to my family and me. I don’t want to say anything that might sound empty and meaningless.”

  “You haven’t. You’ve been really helpful.”

  “I’m glad.” Her eyes glistened. “When I lost Simeon, I thought it would hurt forever. It still hurts, but the pain does lessen with time. Give your heart time to heal, Jamie. And if you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me.”

  “I will.”

  She took a step toward him, and he held his breath, certain she was going to hug him.

  Instead, she gave him a sad smile. “Are you going to come upstair
s? I’m sure my parents would like to see you before we go home.”

  He shook his head. “No, I think I’ll stay down here.”

  “You might feel better if you’re surrounded by your family and community.” She gestured for him to follow her to the stairs. “Come up and have something to eat.”

  “No, danki. I’m fine.” He forced a smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

  “All right.” She didn’t look convinced, but she walked over to the stairs and climbed two steps before turning back toward him. “You take care of yourself.”

  “I will.” As she disappeared up the stairs, he fought the overwhelming urge to ask her to stay.

  When he heard the door close behind her, he glanced around the basement, taking in the mess he’d made. He decided to clean up the basement after all. He cut up the broken pieces of wood and placed them in a large trash can before piling leftover new pieces in the corner. After he swept up the wood shavings and put away the nails, he surveyed the basement again. The work was done, and he didn’t have any more reason to stay downstairs alone. Besides, most of their visitors should have left by now.

  Taking a deep breath, he climbed the stairs and entered the kitchen. A few women from his church district were scurrying around the kitchen, cleaning the counters and stowing food in the propane-powered refrigerator. The well-meaning women stopped chatting when he passed through the room. He nodded greetings and moved through the room quickly, determined to avoid awkward conversation.

  He stopped in the doorway leading to the family room. His father stood by the casket surrounded by his three siblings. Jamie looked at his mother’s serene expression, and his eyes filled with new tears. Kayla’s words echoed in his mind.

  You might feel better if you’re surrounded by your family and community.

  Perhaps she was right. Perhaps he needed his family’s support to help heal his broken heart. And maybe, just maybe, his family needed him as much as he needed them.

  Jamie took a step into the family room, and Cindy’s gaze snapped to his. Her sorrowful expression transformed into a hateful glare, and he halted. No, his family didn’t need him. In fact, he was the last person Cindy needed right now.