by Amy Clipston
Turning on his heel, he stalked toward the stairs and headed up to his room.
“Jamie!” Mark’s voice echoed in the stairwell. “Jamie! Come back.”
Jamie reached the top of the stairs and looked down at his brother. “I really just need to be alone right now.” He headed down the hallway, entered his room, closed the door behind him, and sank onto the corner of his bed.
Mark pushed the door open and stood on the threshold. “You’ve been alone all day. Come downstairs and be part of the family.”
“I’d rather be alone.”
Mark pointed in the direction of the stairs. “We’re going to eat. Come and eat with us.”
“I’m not hungry.” Jamie kicked off his shoes and stretched out on his double bed, resting his head on his pillow.
Mark leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. “You’re part of this family, Jamie. We should all be together right now.”
“I don’t think Cindy would agree with you. She looks as if she would like me to move out.” Jamie folded his arms behind his head. “I might start building that haus Dat talked about letting me construct on the other side of the pasture once I found a fraa. I think it’s time I had my own place.”
Mark folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t think now is the time for you to move out. Not after what we’ve just been through. We all need each other. Things will never be the same without Mamm.”
Jamie glared at his brother. “I know that.”
“Look, you might feel like you need to be alone, but Dat needs us more than ever. Stop being so stubborn and come downstairs. Have something to eat and be with the rest of us.” Mark took a step into the hallway. “Come on.”
“No, danki.” Jamie closed his eyes. “I’m going to take a nap.” He expected to hear his brother’s footfalls heading toward the stairs, but instead there was silence. He opened his eyes and found Mark staring at him. “I told you I’m not going to join you right now.”
Mark didn’t move from the doorway. “Did you finish the new banister?”
“Ya. Nathan Dienner helped me.”
“I would’ve helped you build it next week.”
“It’s done. Don’t worry about it.” Jamie closed his eyes. He waited for the sound of his brother’s footsteps, but again it was quiet.
“You know, Jamie, if you let people in, you wouldn’t be so lonely,” Mark’s voice was soft but firm.
Jamie opened his eyes as his brother disappeared into the hallway. Soon he heard Mark’s footsteps echo down the stairwell. The silence in his bedroom roared in his ears as guilt threatened to drown him. The events of the past few days assaulted his mind, and his chest squeezed yet again with suffocating grief.
He again replayed his conversation with Kayla and the warmth of her arms as she consoled him. How he longed to have a woman like her in his life, but she deserved better. He was a failure to his family, especially his mother. He’d trained to become a firefighter to help people, and he couldn’t even save his own mother. He wasn’t worthy of the uniform or the title of firefighter.
Rolling to his side, he buried his face in his pillow. If only he’d done what he should have, none of this would be happening. His family would be intact, and he would be ready to start a relationship with someone like Kayla Dienner.
But he couldn’t travel back in time, and he couldn’t fix the mistakes he’d made. He had to find a way to push forward. He just had no idea how to start.
Tomorrow he would have to stand with his family and endure his mother’s funeral. He didn’t have the strength to say good-bye to her when it was his fault she was gone.
Jamie opened his heart to pray, but he couldn’t form the words. He squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe God would guide him through the toughest day of his life, even if he didn’t know how to ask.
FOURTEEN
Kayla held a tissue to her nose as she stood at the back of the crowd gathered around Dorothy’s grave. Her stomach clenched and the scent of moist earth seemed overwhelming as she watched two sons shovel dirt over their mother’s coffin.
The minister read a prayer as her heart broke for Jamie and his family. She was thankful for her tall stature, enabling her to see Jamie from where she stood between Nathan and her father. Eva had stayed home with Junior, but the rest of the family attended the funeral.
When the prayer ended, a murmur of conversation spread throughout the crowd. Kayla scanned the Riehl family from where she stood. Laura leaned on Rudy as she wept, and Cindy clung to her father’s arm. Mark wiped his eyes as he spoke to Savilla and Allen. Jamie stood about a foot away from his family, as if he were only an acquaintance. The pain etched on his face as he stared at the freshly covered grave nearly crushed Kayla’s soul. He needed a friend, and she longed to be that friend.
But would she be too bold if she approached him alone again today? Would he and the other members of the community brand her a brazen woman?
She banished those thoughts. Jamie needed a friend, and she could be that friend despite what members of the community might think of her.
Kayla touched her father’s arm. “I’m going to talk to Jamie.”
Dat nodded. “All right.”
She wove through the crowd, moving past the knot of people gathered around the rest of Dorothy’s family. She stepped behind Jamie, now a solitary figure at his mother’s grave.
“Jamie.” When he didn’t respond, she spoke his name again. “Jamie.”
He swiveled his head and met her gaze, and the pain in his eyes was almost too much to bear.
“Kayla.” His voice sounded hoarse. “I didn’t realize you were here.” He craned his neck, looking past her. “Your parents and Nathan are here too?” He met her gaze again. “Did you close the restaurant again?”
“Ya, we did.”
He shook his head. “Your family is losing two days of business for my family.”
“No, we’re going to open this afternoon. We only missed a half day yesterday, and it’s a half day again today.” She shrugged. “You and your family are more important than a day of work.”
She tilted her head. “How are you?”
“I don’t know. I’m just here.” He looked toward his family and she did too. His siblings and father were still receiving hugs from community members. “Mei daed hasn’t eaten much. I’m worried about him. I heard him crying in his room this morning. That was surreal.”
He turned back to her. “Cindy is still upset with me. I tried to talk to her last night before I went to bed, but she wouldn’t answer me. She walked away and went to her room. This morning I walked into the kitchen and she turned her back on me. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.” His voice quavered. “I feel like I’ve lost mei mamm and mei schweschder.” His face crumpled and he cleared his throat again as if fighting to hold back his emotions.
“It will get better. I promise you.” She longed to comfort him, but if she touched him in public, she risked embarrassing herself and earning a questionable reputation. “Give it time.”
“Ya.” He blew out a long sigh.
“Kayla.” Laura appeared at her side and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Laura.” Kayla hugged Laura tight.
“Danki.” Laura released Kayla and touched Jamie’s arm. “We’ll get through this somehow.”
Jamie nodded, but he didn’t look convinced.
“Laura.” Savilla looped her arm around Laura’s shoulders and nodded at Kayla. “Hi, Kayla.” She whispered something to Laura as she nudged her toward a group of young people.
Kayla turned her focus back to Jamie. “Can I do anything to help you and your family?”
“No, danki. We’re supposed to just move forward, right?” He looked toward his father again, and Kayla did as well. Tears rolled down Vernon’s face.
She reached out and touched Jamie’s arm, despite the risk to her reputation. He needed her comfort. “Lean on your family and your freinden. Your community will help you through this
.”
He opened his mouth to respond to her, but Noah, Leon, Brody, and a group of Englishers Kayla assumed were members of the fire department had walked over. They began shaking his hand.
“Jamie.” Noah nodded a greeting to Kayla. “Hi, Kayla.”
Kayla nodded in response.
A pretty woman sidled up to Kayla while balancing a toddler on her hip. “Hi, I’m Elsie Zook. Noah is my husband.”
“I’m Kayla Dienner.” Kayla touched the young boy’s arm. “Who is this?”
“This is Christian.” Elsie shifted him on her hip, and he buried his face on the shoulder of her black dress. “He’s ready for a morning nap.”
The boy had dark hair and eyes, like his parents.
“He’s a handsome bu.” Kayla rubbed his arm. “How old is he?”
“Eighteen months.” Elsie touched his pink cheek. “He’s heavy.”
“Would you like me to hold him?” Kayla held out her arms.
“Oh, no, danki. He’s fine. I’m building up my muscles, right?” Elsie nodded toward Jamie, who was still talking with the group of men. “How is he doing?”
Kayla frowned and lowered her voice. “I don’t think he’s doing well at all. He told me Cindy won’t talk to him. She blames him for the accident.”
Elsie clicked her tongue. “Noah mentioned that to me too. I hoped Cindy would have realized by now we can’t change God’s will. It wasn’t Jamie’s fault.” She rubbed Christian’s back. “I’m so sorry they’re going through this. It’s just so painful.”
“Have you known the Riehl family a long time?”
“Ya. Noah, Jamie, and I are the same age. We went to school together and we were in the same youth group.” She rested her chin against Christian’s head. “I’ve known the Riehl family nearly my whole life. Dorothy was like another mother to me. It’s difficult to believe she’s gone.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I’m worried about Jamie. He always keeps his feelings bottled up. I’m glad he has you. You’ll help him through this.”
Kayla held up her hands. “Oh, you have the wrong impression. We’re not a couple.”
Elsie raised her eyebrows. “Noah told me Jamie likes you. I could see it earlier when he was talking to you. You’re just what he needs right now.”
“No, it’s not like that at all. Jamie and I don’t really know each other that well.”
Christian started to moan, and Elsie shifted him on her hip once again. His moans transformed into sobs as he rubbed his eyes.
“He definitely needs a nap.” Elsie stepped over to Noah and touched his arm. “I think we need to get Christian home.”
“Ya, it looks that way.” Noah took his son from Elsie.
“It was nice talking to you,” Elsie said before she and Noah made their way through the crowd to the waiting horses and buggies.
Kayla hugged her arms to her chest as she turned toward Jamie, still surrounded by friends. She scanned the multitude of mourners and spotted her parents talking with Vernon. She made her way to where Nathan spoke to Mark. Like Jamie’s, Mark’s eyes were bloodshot, and his face was lined with bereavement. An overwhelming empathy for him almost made her stumble.
“Hi, Kayla.” Mark shook her hand. “It was nice of you to come today.”
“I’m so sorry, Mark.”
“Danki.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I guess we’re just going through the motions right now.” Mark gestured toward his brother. “Jamie’s been keeping to himself. I tried to talk to him last night, but he wanted to be alone. It was gut to see him talking to you.”
“I’m not sure how much I helped him.” She looked toward Vernon, who was still talking to her parents. “Jamie said your daed is having a tough time.”
“Ya.” Mark cringed. “It’s been hard watching him grieve. I don’t know what to do for him.”
“When Simeon died, I felt that way with Eva. I just offered my shoulder when she needed to cry.”
“Ya, that’s about all you can do,” Nathan offered. “Just be there when he needs someone to listen. If you need help with anything at the farm, let me know. I can come over and help you with chores.”
Mark smiled at Nathan. “Danki. I think Jamie and I can handle it, but I appreciate the offer.”
An older couple approached Mark to offer their condolences, and Kayla and Nathan moved to where their parents now waited for them. Kayla had hoped to offer her condolences to Vernon, but a crowd had gathered around him. She followed her family to their horse and buggy.
As she climbed in, she looked back toward Jamie, and Elsie’s words echoed through her mind. Could Kayla be the friend he would need in the coming days?
The scent of rain wafted over Jamie as he stepped out of the barn Tuesday night. The cool mist that brushed his cheeks was a welcome change from the brutally humid days. He turned his face up toward the dark sky and relished the soothing raindrops for a moment before heading to the back porch.
He spotted a silhouette sitting in the glider. As he climbed the steps, his father’s face came into view.
“I didn’t realize you were out here,” Jamie said when he reached the top step. “I just took care of the animals.”
“Gut.” Dat patted the rocker beside him. “Sit with me.”
Jamie sat down and stretched his aching legs out in front of him. He’d been on his feet all day as he completed chores on the farm. His shoulders were tight, and his arms were sore. He hadn’t slept more than a few hours each night since his mother passed away. He hoped he’d sleep tonight. His weary bones needed the rest.
The silence stretched between Jamie and his father as the mist transformed into rain and began a steady cadence on the porch roof above them.
“She wanted to go to Niagara Falls. And see the Grand Canyon,” Dat suddenly said, breaking through the silence. “I promised her I would take her someday, but someday never came.”
Jamie turned toward his father. “It’s not your fault you didn’t get to go.”
Dat rested his hands on his lap. “That’s not entirely true.”
“What do you mean?”
“I told her we’d go once you and Mark were old enough to run the farm.” Dat stared out toward the pasture. “You and Mark have been capable for quite some time now, but I guess I didn’t want to admit you could do it without me. So I never took her. Last fall her best freind went to Florida for a month. Your mamm wanted to go, but I told her we had too much to do here on the farm. I should have let you and Mark manage and just taken her.” Painful regret reverberated in Dat’s voice.
Jamie’s heart lodged in his throat like a chunk of ice, and he couldn’t speak.
“I should have made the time to take your mamm where she wanted to go.” Dat rested his ankle on his opposite knee. “Money wasn’t the issue. We always saved well, and I could have afforded the trips.”
“You didn’t know this was going to happen.” Jamie’s voice sounded strained even to his own ears. “No one could have imagined we’d lose her like this. Don’t punish yourself.”
Dat angled his body toward Jamie. “I forgot tomorrow is never promised, Jamie. Don’t live your life the way I did. Don’t wait to do the things you dream of doing. You never know what God has planned for you, sohn. Don’t live with the regrets I have. Live your life to the fullest.”
A flash of Kayla’s beautiful face as she spoke with him at his mother’s grave filled Jamie’s mind. The care and understanding in her attentive eyes had warmed his soul when he’d opened up to her. When he was with Kayla, all the walls he’d built to shield his heart came tumbling down. Just looking into her eyes gave him courage to let someone in.
Jamie rejected his thoughts about Kayla. How could he think about her when his father was reaching out to him through his cloud of grief? Now wasn’t the time for Jamie to concentrate on his own broken heart. He needed to put his father’s emotions before his own. Dat lost the love of his life. He needed Jamie to carry the load of the far
m. It was time for Jamie to take charge as the older son.
“Why don’t you take some time off?” Jamie suggested. “You can visit your favorite cousin in Middlefield. You always said you wanted to go out there and spend some time with him.”
Dat frowned. “You’re missing my point, James.”
Jamie bristled at his formal name. “How am I missing the point?”
“I’ve already missed my chances to make those special memories with your mamm. Going to see Jeremiah isn’t going to give me back those chances.” His expression softened. “You’re still young, and God willing, you have many years ahead of you. You should grab those opportunities when you can. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Jamie swallowed against his suddenly bone-dry throat. “I’m so sorry, Dat. If I had only replaced that banister—”
“It’s not your fault.” Dat patted Jamie’s arm. “Stop blaming yourself. I didn’t ask you to sit with me to make you feel bad. I don’t blame you for anything that happened.” He pushed himself up from the glider. “It’s getting late. We should go inside.”
“All right.” Jamie stood and opened the door. When they stepped into the kitchen they found Laura staring at a piece of paper on the counter. “Was iss letz?”
She looked at them and wiped a tear away. “I found her shopping list. We were supposed to go grocery shopping after we finished the laundry yesterday.” She sniffed and held up the piece of paper. “I think I’m going to keep this.” Her voice caught as tears ran in rivulets down her flushed cheeks.
“Come here, mei liewe.” Dat pulled her into his arms.
Jamie’s lungs seized with memories of his mother. Her warm smile as she sang “Happy Birthday” and carried one of her delicious homemade cakes to the table. Her laughter when Dat made a silly joke. Her patient ear when one of her children needed her quiet, sage advice.
Grief punched another gaping hole in his chest. He needed to get out of there before he melted into a puddle on the floor. He headed up the stairs and stopped dead on the landing when he nearly bumped into Cindy.