by Amy Clipston
“Really?” Jamie recalled when Leon dated Susie. They met in youth group and dated for two years before going their separate ways.
“Ya.” Leon frowned. “It’s too late for me and Susie. Don’t be like me. Fix things with Kayla before it’s too late.”
Leon’s words settled over Jamie as he worked at the sink. If only he knew how to fit Kayla into his life, then he could make things right. But that seemed like an impossible task.
TWENTY-FIVE
“How’s Kayla?”
Jamie closed the devotional he’d been reading and looked up at Laura. She was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since Tuesday morning.”
“And now it’s Sunday? Why not?” She crossed the room and sat down on the sofa across from him.
“I’ve been wrapped up in projects here, and when I’m not here, I’m at the fire station working.” He paused. “I just don’t know if I can make this relationship work, Laura.”
“You aren’t making time for Kayla, Jamie. And I don’t understand why.” She frowned. “You two are great together. She cares about you, and you care about her. You could be at her haus right now. What’s the problem?”
He pursed his lips. “The problem is I’m overwhelmed trying to keep this farm running and help the members of our community as a first responder.”
“You say that like you’re the only person working on this farm or at the fire station.”
He blinked at her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re not the only person who lives here.” She gestured around the room. “Mark is here, too, and Dat is getting his strength back. None of you needs to be working day and night for the farm to succeed. Cindy and I keep the household running. Brody, Leon, and Noah are only a handful of the other firefighters at the station. The farm and the firehouse won’t come to a screeching halt if you visit your girlfriend a few times a week.”
Jamie stared at her.
“You seem so froh when you’re with Kayla.” Her expression softened. “With what our family has been through, you need someone more than ever.” She paused. “We all miss Mamm, Jamie. You can’t bury your grief with work. We’re all broken because she’s gone, and the only way we can get through this is if we’re surrounded by people who love us. I’m sure Kayla loves you, and whether or not you realize it, you love her too. Let her help you heal.”
Her words touched him deep in his soul. He longed to respond, but he felt as if he had a rock in his throat.
“Kayla is perfect for you,” she continued. “She’s strong and loving. I could see her standing by your side through thick and thin, but you have to put the effort into building a relationship with her.”
“You’re right.” His voice sounded foreign to his own ears.
“I know I am.” She stood. “But if you agree with me, then why are you sitting here? Go tell her how you feel.”
He stood and dropped his book on an end table. “I’ll see you later.”
“Tell her I said hello,” she called after him as he strode out of the room. Maybe he could find a way to make this relationship work after all. Laura was right. Kayla was worth it.
“A buggy just came up the driveway. Someone’s here!”
Kayla spun toward the mudroom as Dat called from the back door. A moment later, the screen door clicked shut, and her heartbeat galloped as she set a serving platter in a cabinet.
Mamm nudged her. “Go see who it is.”
Had Jamie finally come? Kayla froze as she stared at her mother. “What if it’s Jamie? What do I say to him? He hasn’t even called me in days.” A mixture of irritation and hope warred inside of her.
“If it’s Jamie, then you say hello and let him talk.” Eva pointed toward the door. “Go on. Be brave.”
Kayla wiped her hands on her apron and padded out to the mudroom. She peeked out the screen door and her shoulders dropped with disappointment. Her father was talking with Abram as they stood by his horse and buggy.
Jamie hadn’t come, but Abram had.
Dat said something, and Abram laughed. The familiar sound sent memories and confusing emotions spinning. Part of her wanted to rush out and greet Abram, and another part of her longed to hide in her room.
Eva’s words echoed through Kayla’s mind: Go on. Be brave.
Yes, Kayla could be brave. She was courageous to her core. She could sit and talk to her ex-boyfriend without allowing him to hurt her again.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the screen door and stepped onto the porch. The door clicked shut behind her.
“Hi, Abram!” She waved when he turned toward her. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”
Dat said something to him and then walked toward the barn. Would Dat think she was going to get back together with Abram? Did she want to get back together with him?
Her stomach soured. No, she had intense, deep feelings for Jamie. She just didn’t know if he had the same feelings for her.
“Hi.” Abram walked over to the porch. “Would it be all right if I visited with you for a little bit?”
“Ya, I suppose so.” She pointed toward the kitchen. “Do you want something to eat?”
“No, danki.” He touched his abdomen as he climbed the steps. “I ate too much at supper.”
“Oh.” She turned toward the glider and frowned as memories of Jamie’s last visit came to mind. He had rested his arm behind her and touched her shoulder while he poured out his heart about how much Cindy’s rejection continued to hurt him. She couldn’t sit on the glider with Abram. That was Jamie’s spot. She sat down in the rocker beside it and smiled up at Abram. “Have a seat.”
“Danki.” He folded his lanky body into the rocker beside her. “How has your Sunday been?”
“Gut. We visited with another family this morning and then rested this afternoon. How has your Sunday been?” She folded her hands in her lap.
“It was nice. We had church in our district and then rested.” His expression grew serious, and he leaned forward. “Kayla, I wanted to say something else to you at the farmers market, but I didn’t have the courage. I need to get it off my chest before I go narrisch.”
Panic gripped her. Was he going to ask her to be his girlfriend again? Oh no. She couldn’t handle this, not when her heart still belonged to Jamie. Plus, technically, she was still Jamie’s girlfriend—even if she had no idea what he’d been doing or feeling for the last few days.
“Would you like some lemonade?” She popped up from the rocker, and Abram sat back with a start. “Ya, I’ll go get some lemonade and pretzels.”
Before he could respond, she rushed into the house. Her mother and Eva sat at the kitchen table, drinking from mugs.
“Is Jamie here?” Eva grinned.
“No.” Kayla shook her head. “It’s Abram.”
Mamm gasped. “Abram? Why is he here?”
“You didn’t tell your mamm you ran into him at the market?” Eva asked.
Mamm divided a look between them. “What happened? What did he say?”
“I can’t explain now.” Kayla held up her hands. “I told him I would get us a snack.”
“I’ll fill Mamm in.” Eva waved Kayla off.
Kayla crossed the room to the refrigerator and pulled out the container of lemonade. After pouring two glasses, she grabbed a bag of pretzels, loaded it all onto a tray, and went back to the mudroom. Squaring her shoulders, she stepped onto the porch. She was brave. She could be strong and guard her heart no matter what Abram said to her.
She handed him a glass, and when their fingers brushed, she felt nothing. There was no electricity. No excitement. Her body didn’t respond to him like it did to Jamie.
“Danki.” He took a long drink. “You still make the best lemonade.”
“Danki.” She sat on the rocker beside him and opened the bag of pretzels. After scooping out a handful, she gave him the bag. She popped a pretzel into her mouth as she waited for him to speak.
He took a handful of pretzels, too, and then set the bag on the chair beside him. He ate in silence for a few moments and then turned toward her. “I told you mei schweschder got engaged.”
“Ya. That’s wunderbaar.” She lifted her glass and took a long drink.
“Seeing her get engaged made me realize I’ve made some mistakes in my life. Big mistakes. And the biggest mistake I made was losing you.”
She started to choke. She coughed and her eyes watered as she struggled to swallow the sweet liquid.
“Calm down.” He took the glass from her and began patting her back. “Take a deep breath.”
She coughed until she was able to breathe again. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Are you okay now?” Concern was etched on his face.
She nodded. “It went down the wrong way, but I’m fine.” She took another drink.
“I’m glad.” He cleared his throat. “As I was saying, I made a mistake when I broke up with you, and I want to apologize again.” He paused. “I also want to say I really miss you.”
When her hands started to shake, she set the glass on the floor beside her chair. This was confusing.
An awkward silence stretched between them like a great chasm.
“Kay?” He gave a nervous laugh. “Please say something. Anything.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Okay.” His face clouded with a deep frown. “You don’t feel the same way, do you?”
She shook her head as confidence surged through her, straightening her spine as if a steel rod had been inserted. “No, I don’t feel the same way. You hurt me badly. You took me for granted every time you left me sitting on this porch waiting for you. You chose your freinden over me again and again. I skipped youth gatherings waiting for you, and then you didn’t come. I lost close friendships because of you. You never put me first in your life. And then you broke up with me when I needed you most.”
She leaned forward. “How could I ever trust you again?” Relief flooded her as a giant weight disappeared from her shoulders. Oh, it felt good to get her feelings out in the open.
“You’re right.” Abram rested his elbow on the arm of the chair. “I was selfish. I should have been the boyfriend you needed, but I wasn’t.” His expression softened. “Why don’t we start over? I’ll do better this time. What do you think?”
Kayla’s mouth dried as her thoughts turned to Jamie. But Abram was sitting next to her, and Jamie was nowhere to be found.
Pure dread flowed through Jamie’s veins as he stared at Kayla’s back porch. He wanted to believe he was dreaming, but he wasn’t. Kayla sat on a rocking chair next to another young man, drinking something and talking. Alone. Kayla hadn’t even heard his horse and buggy coming up the drive.
What Leon told him would happen was unfolding in front of his eyes—Kayla had found someone else. He was too late.
“Jamie? Is that you?” Kayla had seen him. She stood and rushed to the edge of the porch.
For a moment he couldn’t speak. He gripped the reins tighter with shaky hands. The coward in him wanted to flee, but the strong man buried deep inside his battered soul propelled him out of the buggy and onto the rock driveway. He cleared his throat and mustered all the strength he could find.
“Kayla,” he called. “Could I speak to you a moment?”
“Ya.” She fingered the ribbons on her prayer covering as she turned to the man. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
He nodded at her and then glared at Jamie. The animosity in the stranger’s face sent bile bubbling in Jamie’s throat. Who did this man think he was spending time with Kayla? After all, she was Jamie’s girlfriend, not his.
But I haven’t seen her in nearly a week. How can I justify calling her my girlfriend?
Jamie balled his hands into fists as Kayla descended the steps and hurried over. “Could we walk down the driveway for some privacy?” he asked. He swallowed the sourness in his throat.
“Ya.” She walked next to him, and the frustration radiating off her was palpable.
When they reached the bottom of the driveway, he spun toward her. “Who is he?”
She lifted her chin, her face twisted in a frown. “That’s Abram Blank.”
His mouth fell open as her words punched him in the stomach. Hard. “You’re seeing Abram again?”
“It wasn’t planned. I ran into him at the market on Thursday, and he just showed up tonight.”
“He hurt you. Why didn’t you tell him to leave?” His voice rose.
“I haven’t seen you or even heard from you in days. Where have you been?” Her voice was thick as her eyes glistened in the light of the setting sun.
“I’m sorry,” he began. “Mark and I have been busy harvesting hay.”
“I see. Did you think of me at all last week?”
“Of course I did.”
“And were you busy all afternoon today, a Sunday?”
“I—”
“Do you care about me, Jamie?” The pain in her eyes slashed through his soul.
“Of course I do. You’re my girlfriend.”
“I don’t feel like your girlfriend.” She shook her head, and her eyes watered.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve waited to hear from you since that few minutes I saw you on Tuesday. I think about you every day. When you’re on duty, you’re a block from where I work, right?”
“That’s right.”
“Yet you told me you were volunteering for an extra shift.”
He cringed. “I volunteered on Saturday too.”
Her blonde eyebrows drew together. “Were you too busy to stop by the restaurant to see me on either day?”
He paused, and her face crumbled.
“Maybe we should take a break.” Her voice was wobbly.
This is it. She’s breaking up with me. His insides went cold as he held up his hands. “I don’t want to break up with you.”
“I think maybe this relationship is too much for you right now. Perhaps we should just be freinden.” She swiped the back of her hand over her eyes. “I care about you and your family very much, but I don’t think our relationship is working.”
Jamie closed the distance between them. He’d been thinking the same thing. But between Leon and Laura’s encouragement, he’d found a new determination. “Please give me another chance. Let me explain—”
She shook her head as she stepped away from him. “We need a break.”
“Please don’t give up on me,” he pleaded with her. “I’m so sorry.”
“I am too,” she whispered. “Good-bye, Jamie.”
As Kayla walked away and he followed her, a churning ball of anxiety in his chest felt like a heart attack.
How could he have let this happen?
Kayla climbed the porch steps, then turned to see Jamie’s horse pulling his buggy down the driveway. She sucked in a deep breath as her heart shredded into a million pieces. Tears trickled down her hot cheeks and she brushed them away. She couldn’t allow herself to fall apart in front of Abram.
Abram came up behind her. “Are you okay?”
“Ya.” Her voice sounded weak to her own ears.
“Who was that?”
“Mei freind Jamie.” She wiped her eyes again and then turned toward him. “We sort of had an argument.”
“Did my being here cause a problem between you?”
“Ya.” She shook her head. “I mean, no. It’s more complicated than that.” She paused and took a shaky breath in an effort to stave off more tears. “I’m sorry, but I think I need to go inside.”
“I understand.” He studied her for a moment. “I didn’t mean to cause you any problems.”
“It’s okay. The problems between Jamie and me have been brewing for a while.” She set the glasses on the tray and added the bag of pretzels. “It was nice seeing you. Gut nacht.” She started toward the door.
“Wait.”
Kayla gritted her teeth. She was
tired of men telling her what to do. She turned toward him. “Ya?”
“May I see you again?” The hopeful expression on Abram’s face was nearly too much for her to endure.
“What I really need right now is a freind. If you can handle being only mei freind, then, ya, you can see me again.” She gripped the handle and pushed open the screen door without waiting for a response.
“Gut nacht,” she called over her shoulder as she stepped into the house. After the screen door clicked shut, she set the tray on a bench. When she heard Abram walk down the steps and start across the rock driveway, she closed the inner door too, leaned against it, and sobbed.
Jamie trudged up the porch steps after stowing his horse and buggy. The weight of his mistakes bogged his steps as he entered the mudroom, kicked off his boots, and hung his hat on the peg beside Mark’s. He was a failure. He had failed his mother, his family, and now Kayla. It was probably only a matter of time before he failed as a firefighter too. His life was in shambles.
He stepped into the kitchen and leaned his back against a wall, scrubbing his hands down his face. He wanted to sob. He wanted to scream. But he just rubbed his eyes as grief and regret swallowed his insides.
“Jamie?”
He opened his eyes, expecting to find Laura standing in front of him. But Cindy was there, and he froze.
“Are you hurt?” She looked scared. “What happened?”
He stared at her, unable to say a word. The agonizing pain of losing Kayla coupled with the shock of Cindy’s sudden willingness to speak to him were overwhelming.
“Please answer me.” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay.” He pushed off the wall, went to the table, and dropped onto a chair. He set his elbows on the table’s surface and covered his face with his hands. Dread pooled low in his gut.
He heard the chair beside him scraping the floor, followed by the rustling of clothing.
“What happened?” Her voice was right next to his ear.
“Kayla broke up with me, and it’s my fault.” His hands muffled his voice.
“I’m so sorry.” Her tone rang with sympathy. “Please tell me what happened.”