by Amy Clipston
He turned to look at her. “I’m confused. Why are you talking to me now? It’s been weeks and weeks. You’ve done nothing but rebuff me since we lost Mamm. Why do you suddenly care?”
Her face crumpled. “I’m so sorry. I never should have lashed out at you or blamed you. I’ve just been so lost without her.”
“I know.” He blew out a deep sigh. “I am too.”
“I’ve been blaming myself. I kept thinking if only I had been the one to carry that last batch of jars down the stairs, she’d still be alive. I couldn’t live with the blame, so I took it out on you. But I was so wrong. It wasn’t your fault or mine that she died.”
She took a napkin from the holder in the center of the table and wiped her eyes. “It was God’s will, and I need to accept that. It was a sin for me to take it out on you, especially for so long.” She sniffed as more tears spilled down her cheeks. “I hope you can forgive me.”
A small sound escaped her throat, and she began to sob.
He pulled his sister into his arms, and she collapsed against his shoulder. “Of course I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me too.” He rubbed her back until she calmed down.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “You’re mei bruder, and I never should have treated you so badly.”
“It’s forgiven and forgotten.” If only it could be this easy with Kayla.
“Please tell me what happened with Kayla.”
Jamie rubbed the bridge of his nose as he gathered his thoughts. Then he told Cindy everything. How he had treated Kayla. How overwhelmed he’d felt by his responsibilities at the farm and the firehouse. How Laura had made him realize he’d been trying to bury his own grief and guilt with overwork. How even the duty he felt as a firefighter had clouded the other important things in his life. He finished with what happened when he went to see Kayla tonight.
Cindy clicked her tongue. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.” He slumped back in the chair. “I made a huge mistake, and now I’ve lost her.”
“Not necessarily.”
He turned toward her, his eyebrows raised. “Why would you say that?”
“She cried, right?” she asked, and he nodded. “That means you hurt her.”
“I already figured that out. I don’t see how that’s a gut thing. In fact, that’s why she broke up with me.” He pushed his chair back. “Danki for listening, Cindy. It felt gut to get all that off my chest. But I still have a lot of thinking to do. I’m going to bed.”
“Wait.” She grabbed his arm, pulling him back. “Just hear me out. If you hurt her that badly, that means she loves you. If she loves you, then you can win her back. We just need to figure out how.”
“I don’t think she’ll give me another chance. How am I supposed to prove I’m trustworthy when she’s lost all faith in me?”
“Give her something to have faith in.” She shrugged as if the answer was simple. “She obviously feels very deeply about you. She believes in you. Show her you care about her and you’re not going to give up that easily.”
“Okay. I’ll try that.” But he knew how halfhearted he sounded. “I’m going to go to bed now. Danki again for talking with me.”
“I hope it helped.”
“It did. Gut nacht.”
“Gut nacht. Danki for forgiving me.”
“Gern gschehne.”
But as Jamie climbed the stairs, a flicker of faith took root deep in his soul. He managed to get his sister back. Perhaps he could get Kayla back too.
TWENTY-SIX
Jamie stared at the Closed sign in the window of Dienner’s Family Restaurant the following morning. A knot of emotion tightened in his chest. He tented one hand above his forehead, leaned forward on the cool glass door, and peered inside. Kayla and Eva were setting small vases with a daisy on each table. As he watched Kayla, his stomach twisted and renewed regret flowed through his veins.
He hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours the night before. He’d stared at the ceiling and contemplated what Cindy said. She was right; he had to prove himself to Kayla. Begging for her forgiveness was the best start to showing her how he felt about her.
This morning he’d rushed through his chores, and since he’d left a message for Blake last night, his driver was ready to take him to the restaurant at six thirty this morning. And now he stood there with his heart on his sleeve and words stuck in his throat. The restaurant wouldn’t open for another fifteen minutes, and this was his only chance to get Kayla alone—if she agreed to talk to him.
Lifting his trembling hand, he knocked three times. Kayla jumped with a start and swiveled toward the door. She stared at him, looking surprised. He didn’t blame her.
She turned to Eva, said something, and hurried over. After flipping the lock, she wrenched open the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Gude mariye.” He lifted his hand in greeting. “Wie geht’s?”
She blinked at him and he took in her face. Purple circles outlined the bottom of her eyes. Had she lost sleep over their breakup too? The notion gave him a thread of hope that they could work this out.
“What are you doing here?” she repeated, her words measured.
“I was hoping we could talk.” He could hear the desperation in his voice. “Please. I only need a few minutes.”
She craned her neck to look toward her sister-in-law. “Eva, I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”
“Take your time. We’re ready for the breakfast rush,” Eva called before waving at him. “Gude mariye.”
“Hi, Eva.” A glimmer of hope flittered through his gut at Eva’s friendly tone. He pushed the thought away and nodded toward the bench near the door. “Would you like to sit for a minute?”
“Ya.” Kayla stepped over to the bench and sat down.
He sat down beside her and cleared his throat in an attempt to sound more confident. “Danki for talking to me.”
“I’m surprised to see you.” She touched the hem of her black apron.
“Did you think I would give up on you that easily?”
She shrugged and turned her attention to her apron.
“Please look at me.”
She did. “What do you want from me?” The question was simple, but it cut him to the quick.
“I want to try to make this work. I want to apologize. I want you back.”
She shook her head, and her eyes glistened in the early morning sun. “I think it would be best if we were just freinden.”
“Are you seeing Abram now?” He inwardly cringed as he waited for her response.
“No.” She shook her head. “I told you the truth last night. I ran into him at the farmers market last week and we spoke briefly. Then he stopped by unexpectedly, and I told him the same thing I’m telling you—I only want to be freinden.”
So Jamie was in the same category as Abram. An ex-boyfriend. The realization turned the knot of emotion in his chest to ice.
“I need to go. We’re opening soon, and Mondays are usually busy.” She stood and started for the door.
He grabbed her hands, stopping her. “Please stay for another minute.”
She stared down at him. “Please let me go.” Her voice broke, nearly breaking his heart once again.
He released her hand, and she stepped away. Panic consumed him. He couldn’t let her go. He jumped up from the bench. “Wait!”
She spun and faced him. “Jamie, I don’t think—”
“Please listen to me.” He walked over to her. “You said you’ll be mei freind. Did you mean that?”
She nodded. “Ya, of course.”
“If I prove to you that I can be a gut freind, would you give me another chance as your boyfriend?”
She hesitated as she studied his eyes, and he hoped she could sense his sincerity. Then she seemed to relax just a little.
“Ya.”
“Gut.” Relief flowed through him. “May I see you tonight?”
Gripping the door handle, she studied him again. “Be here
at closing.”
“I will. Danki.”
She gave him a curt nod and disappeared into the restaurant.
Jamie hurried to the van with a spring in his step.
Jamie rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Cindy and Laura were still cleaning up after dinner.
“You’re going to meet Kayla at the restaurant now?” Cindy asked as she dried a dish.
“Ya. She told me to be there at closing. I have thirty minutes to get there.” He patted his trouser pockets and found them empty. Where was his wallet? He needed to take it in case he could convince her to go out for ice cream. He glanced around the kitchen but didn’t see it.
“Was iss letz?” Laura asked.
“Have you seen my wallet?” He moved a stack of papers on the counter but didn’t find it.
“No. Have you checked your room?” Cindy asked.
Jamie jogged up the stairs and down the hallway to his bedroom. The wallet was sitting on his dresser. As he slipped it into his back pocket, his radio crackled to life, and he stopped to listen.
“All available units respond to accident with multiple injuries at Old Philadelphia Pike at Beechdale Road,” the voice over the radio said.
He stilled. The accident was on the route to the restaurant. He was taking his horse and buggy, but he could stop and make sure the victims were okay before he went to the restaurant to meet Kayla.
But I’m not on duty. If I’m late, she’ll feel betrayed.
Still, I’m a firefighter. Simeon was a firefighter, too, so Kayla should understand my dedication. How can I not help people who need me?
Jamie rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as confusion coiled in a tight knot inside of him.
The call came through again, and he sprang into action, racing down the stairs.
“I guess you found your wallet?” Laura grinned.
“Ya. I’ll see you later.” He made for the back door.
“Bye!” Cindy called after him.
Jamie launched himself into his buggy and guided the horse toward the intersection at Old Philadelphia Pike.
“He could just be running late, and he’ll be here in a minute.” Mamm touched Kayla’s shoulder as they stood at the front window of the restaurant staring out toward Old Philadelphia Pike.
Kayla pointed toward the clock above them. “He’s more than an hour late, Mamm. We’ve already had supper, and now we’re going to leave to go home.”
“Give him the benefit of the doubt,” Mamm continued. “Maybe he had to finish something up at the farm, and he’ll meet us at the haus.”
Kayla pointed to the kitchen. “Do you need any more help cleaning up?”
“It’s all done. We can go.” Mamm touched Kayla’s arm.
As she walked with her family toward their waiting buggy, Kayla squared her shoulders. She could get through this, even though she felt as if her insides had just been ripped apart.
Jamie knocked on Kayla’s back door as thunder rumbled in the distance. The aroma of moist earth and rain filled his nostrils as he glanced down at his dirty blue shirt. It turned out his fire station was short-staffed today, and he’d spent nearly three hours helping a crew extract victims from the car accident and then clean up at the scene.
While he’d considered just passing by the accident, he couldn’t bring himself to avoid it when he saw a baby seat in the back of one of the three smashed cars. He had to help the child, and he prayed Kayla would understand and forgive him.
He was just about to wonder if anyone was awake, when the inner door swung open. It was Kayla’s father. He wore a robe, and Jamie realized just how late he’d come.
“Jamie, what are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry, Willie, but I really need to talk with Kayla.”
Willie hesitated for a moment, but then nodded. “Why don’t you wait here?”
Minutes later, the door swung open again. Kayla glared at him through the screen door and he swallowed against his suddenly bone-dry throat. “Hi.”
She continued to stare at him with her arms folded over her robe, her hair covered by a scarf. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her face with such a severe frown, and it scared him.
“I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of his mouth at a quick clip. “There was a bad accident at the intersection of Old Philadelphia Pike and Beechdale Road. You might have heard the sirens earlier. When I went past it, I saw—”
“Wait.” She held up her hand, silencing him, and stepped out onto the porch. “You went on a call on the way to see me.”
“Right. But I saw—”
“Once again, you weren’t on duty, but you responded to a call instead of coming to me, right?”
“Let me explain—”
“No, I’ve heard enough.” Her voice rose as a bolt of lightning lit up the porch, followed by a rumble of thunder. “A relationship more than freinden can’t survive if you’re not making it a priority in your life.”
“Please listen to me.” His voice shook as irritation boiled in his gut. “I had all intensions of coming to see you, but when I went by the accident, I saw a kind in a boppli seat. I couldn’t just leave. I had to help. It’s my duty as a firefighter to help people. I would imagine Simeon felt the same way. I’m sure there were times when his plans changed because he felt compelled to respond to a call.”
“Don’t bring mei bruder into this.” Her eyes smoldered as she stepped onto the porch. He backed up a step as she shook a finger in his face. “He was a gut man, a gut husband, and he would’ve been a gut daed. Simeon always put his family first.”
He held up his hands as if to surrender to her fury. “I know he was a gut man. I didn’t mean to imply I was criticizing him.”
Thunder boomed around them, and the sky opened up, sending buckets of rain crashing to the earth. Kayla jumped with a start, but then her eyebrows drew together and her glower twisted her face once again.
“Your problem is you put work and the fire department first. That’s not what I want in a relationship.” She jammed her finger in her chest. “I want to come first. And if that can’t happen, then I never should have said you could see me tonight.” Her eyes narrowed. “Even a freind would have more consideration than to break promises over and over again!”
Anger bubbled up inside of him as thunder rumbled once again. This wasn’t about friendship, no matter what she’d said that morning at the restaurant. It was about two people who deeply cared for each other. “You do come first.”
“No, I don’t. I’m the last person on your mind.” She took a step back as her face crumpled. “I respect your schedule and your dedication to the fire station, but I want to be the one you rush to see when you’re not on duty.”
“You are.” He reached for her hands, but she stepped out of his reach. “You’re the one I want to be with. You’re the one I want to build a relationship with. Why can’t you see that?”
Her eyes narrowed with a glare. “Because actions speak louder than words. Your actions have proven to me that I don’t matter enough to you. You would have to give more of yourself for a relationship to work.”
Lightning streaked across the sky, followed by a tremendous boom.
“You’re everything to me.” He pleaded with her, almost yelling to be heard over the driving rain. “You have my heart.” He tapped his chest. “You’re the most important person in my life.”
“No, I’m not.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I want to be treasured.”
“You are treasured.” When she continued to glare at him, his shoulders hunched with defeat. “I don’t want to let you go. I want you in my life.”
“I’m sorry.” She sniffed as she took a step backward toward the door. “I can’t let you hurt me any longer. It’s over. You need to accept it and move on. Because I already have.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but Kayla was already inside the house, slamming both doors shut in his face.
He stood rooted for several mom
ents as her words soaked through his brain.
I can’t let you hurt me any longer. It’s over. You need to accept it and move on. Because I already have.
He closed his eyes as the thunder rumbled all around him.
It’s over.
“No,” he whispered. “No, it can’t be.”
He trudged toward the door and lifted his hand to knock, but then he suddenly stopped as her words echoed through his mind once more.
I can’t let you hurt me any longer.
His hand dropped to his side. She’s right. I need to stop hurting her.
Turning, he padded across the porch and down the steps into the pouring rain. He stood by his buggy as the rain dripped off his hat, drenching his shirt and trousers. He looked up just as a bright bolt of lightning split the sky, followed by a loud, booming crack of thunder.
And then it hit him like a bolt of lightning. He loved Kayla. For the first time in his life, he was truly in love. The realization choked him from the inside out, and a heavy pain settled in his bones.
I need her, I love her, and I can’t live without her.
He removed his hat and looked up toward the sky, allowing the rain to soak his face. And then he began to whisper a prayer.
“God, I’m confused. I love Kayla to the very depth of my soul, but I ruined our relationship. The pain of losing her is too much for me to bear. Please help me win her back. Give me the words that will make her understand I will cherish her for the rest of my life. Help me be the man she needs so she and I can build a life together that’s pleasing to you. In Jesus’s holy name, amen.”
Then Jamie climbed into his buggy and started the trek home in the pouring rain.
Kayla sank into a kitchen chair and grasped the edges of the seat. Tears spilled from her eyes and a crippling ache took hold of her, seizing up her lungs and throat. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe.
“Kayla!” Mamm ran into the room and sat down beside her. “What is it?” She pulled a napkin from the holder in the center of the table and began to dab Kayla’s face.