by Amy Clipston
“It’s over. I told him I can’t do this anymore.” Kayla told her what happened. “I’m going to give up on love.”
“Don’t say that.” Mamm frowned. “It will work out for you one day. It just takes time. Unfortunately, breakups hurt terribly, but God will lead you to the right man. I promise you.”
Kayla’s bottom lip trembled as she recalled the pain in Jamie’s eyes when she told him it was over. She’d hurt him, but she had to do what was right for her. He wasn’t being realistic, so she had to be.
Footfalls on the stairs drew her attention to the doorway. Nathan walked into the kitchen and studied her. “Was iss letz?”
“Nothing.” Kayla sniffed and wiped her eyes with another napkin.
“Obviously something is wrong.” Nathan came to stand beside her and leaned on a chair. “What is it?”
“She’ll be fine.” Mamm gave him a pointed expression. “You can go.”
He frowned, crossed to the kitchen to take a glass from a cabinet, filled it with water, and left again.
“Things will get better.” Mamm rubbed Kayla’s shoulder. “I promise you. Just give it time.”
“But I love him,” she whispered. She hugged her arms to her chest as if it would stop her heart from shattering. “If we’re not meant to be together, why does it hurt so much? Why, Mamm?”
When her tears started again, Kayla leaned forward and cried on her mother’s shoulder. Kayla wondered if the pain would ever stop.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Jamie felt as though each of his legs weighed two hundred pounds as he trudged across the apparatus bay. He hadn’t slept more than a few hours over the past two days, and the exhaustion had caught up to him earlier when he was on his third medical call since he came on duty at six this morning.
All he wanted to do was sleep, but when his head hit the pillow, his brain replayed the scene from Monday night when Kayla broke up with him again. Then he was stuck awake while battling suffocating regret. Memories of his mother mingled with his misery over losing Kayla, and before he knew it, he was drowning in grief.
He hoped the calls would stop and he could sneak in a nap before he had to make supper. Why did it have to be his turn to cook when he didn’t have enough energy or ambition to even plan a meal? Perhaps he could convince the crew to order pizza.
He reached for the fire station door and yanked it open.
“Jamie!”
He released the door handle and turned toward the voice. His eyebrows knitted together as Nathan crossed the bay toward him. “Nathan. Hi.”
Nathan jammed his thumb toward the engine. “I saw you all come back. Busy day?”
“The busiest.” Jamie pushed his hand through his sweaty hair. “What brings you here?”
“I want to talk to you.” Nathan sat down on the bumper of the brush truck.
Jamie crossed his arms over his collared uniform shirt and leaned back against the wall. “About what?”
“Mei schweschder.”
Jamie stood up straight as if someone had pulled him upright. “Is she all right?”
When Nathan hesitated, Jamie took a step toward him as panic gripped him.
“Calm down.” Nathan held up his hands. “She’s not hurt or anything, but she’s . . . Well, I heard Mamm says she’s an emotional wreck.”
I know the feeling. “Oh,” Jamie hoped he sounded casual. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Nathan lifted an eyebrow. “Are you?”
Jamie shifted his stance on his feet. “What are you trying to get at?”
“Look, I know you two broke up, but mei schweschder is miserable. I have a feeling you are, too, even though you’re trying to act like it doesn’t bother you.”
“Did she send you here to talk to me?” Jamie held his breath, hoping Nathan would say yes.
“No.” Nathan rested his left ankle on his right knee and leaned back on the bumper of the truck. “I told my parents I was going to walk up to the bookstore, and I will go there.” He nodded in the direction of the building across the street. “But they have no idea I’m here too.” He frowned. “Monday night I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. It must’ve been right after you left. Kay was crying—no, she was sobbing—on mei mamm’s shoulder. She was really upset after what happened between you two.”
Jamie glanced up at the ceiling as renewed anguish came calling.
“My bedroom is next to hers, and she cried herself to sleep Monday night and again last night.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but she broke up with me. This is what she wants.” Jamie gave him a palms up. “I have no idea what you want me to say.”
“Are you froh that you broke up?” Nathan’s eyes challenged him.
“No, I’m not froh.” Jamie leaned back against the wall. “It’s not what I wanted, and I begged her to take me back.”
“I can’t stand to see mei schweschder this miserable.”
“I don’t know what else to do.” Jamie let his hands drop to his sides. “I begged her to forgive me, but she insists all I do is hurt her.”
“Then you need to stop hurting her.”
“I have stopped hurting her. I’m staying away from her.”
Nathan stood. “I just told you she’s miserable without you.”
“But she’s miserable with me too. I make her miserable.”
Nathan shook his head. “Don’t you see that you two belong together?”
“You’re not making any sense. If I make her miserable then why should I be with her?”
“How old are you?” Nathan crossed his arms over his chest and stood up straighter.
“I’m twenty-five. Why?”
“I’m eleven years younger than you and I’ve already figured this out.”
“Please, enlighten me,” Jamie deadpanned.
“You need to try harder.” Nathan poked Jamie in the chest. “You and Kayla care about each other. Make it work. Don’t take no for an answer. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t be crying and moping around.”
“She’s moping?”
“Ya, she’s moping.” Nathan rolled his eyes. “She’s been horrible to live with. If you say the wrong thing to her, she yells or runs off to be alone. You need to keep trying. If she didn’t care about you, then she wouldn’t be such a wreck.”
Jamie nodded. Nathan and Cindy had said the same thing. But they were too young to have experienced what he and Kayla were going through, so what did they know? Doubt covered him like an uncomfortable, scratchy blanket.
“Hey, Nathan.” Noah came around the corner from behind the engine. “Wie geht’s?”
Jamie eyed Noah with suspicion. Had he been eavesdropping?
Nathan pivoted toward him. “Hi, Noah. How are you?”
“Fine, fine.” Noah hugged a clipboard to his chest. “Are you on a break from the restaurant?”
“Ya.” Nathan pointed toward the street. “I need to get over to the bookstore. It was gut seeing you.” He swiveled toward Jamie. “I hope to see you soon.”
Jamie gave Nathan a wave as he headed out. Once Nathan was gone, Jamie turned to his best friend. “How much did you hear?”
“All of it.” Noah eyed him with interest. “So she broke up with you?”
“Ya. It’s for gut this time.” Jamie cupped his hand to the back of his neck. “She said I keep hurting her, and she doesn’t want to see me anymore.” He summarized their argument Monday night.
“And Nathan came over to tell you to keep trying.” Noah looked toward the street. “I think he’s right.”
Jamie shook his head. “Kayla made it clear she doesn’t want to see me. Why would I chase after her after she told me not to? That’s considered harassment.”
Noah turned toward Jamie, his expression stoic. “I heard everything Nathan said. He’s right. If Kayla is an emotional mess, then she loves you.”
Jamie’s stomach flip-flopped at the word love.
“She wouldn’t take the breakup so hard if you didn’t mean something to h
er.”
“That’s what everyone keeps saying. But she told me—”
“I know what she told you, but what she feels is completely different. Do you remember when Elsie and I got engaged?”
Jamie nodded. “Ya, I remember. You took her on a picnic by a lake, and you asked her there.”
“Right. A few weeks before that, she told me she didn’t want to see me anymore. We’d had a big fight over something gegisch. She was upset, and we each said things we regretted. She broke up with me and said she didn’t want to see me again.”
“Really?” Jamie’s eyebrows lifted. “You never told me that.”
“I kept it to myself.” Noah shrugged. “I didn’t speak to her for two days. I thought I was better off without her. I was petty and prideful. But by the third day, I was miserable. I went back to her, begged for her forgiveness, and we were engaged two weeks later.”
Jamie gaped. “I had no idea you and Elsie had problems.”
“All couples have problems. No one is immune. It’s part of being human.” Noah leaned against the fire engine. “Swallowing my pride and working things out with Elsie was the best thing I’ve done in my life. I can’t imagine being without her.” He paused as if contemplating something. “I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told anyone else.”
“What is it?”
“We’re expecting another boppli.”
Jamie grinned. “That’s wunderbaar. Congratulations.”
Noah smiled. “Danki. Life is tough sometimes, but it’s also wunderbaar. We all have ups and downs.” His smile faded. “I know you don’t need a lecture, but my point is you will regret it if you let Kayla walk out of your life. Take Nathan’s visit as a clear sign you need to try again.”
Jamie swallowed.
Noah tapped Jamie’s arm with the clipboard. “Let’s go do the paperwork for this last call before the radio goes off again.”
As they headed inside the station and walked back to the office, Noah’s words marinated in Jamie’s mind. He was confused. Should he take Nathan’s visit as a sign or should he give up?
His mind told him to give up. But deep in his heart, Jamie was certain he had to try at least once more.
“Kayla,” Eva whispered as she came up behind her. “Abram is here. He asked if you would seat him.”
Kayla spun toward the front of the restaurant. Abram held his hat in one hand and waved to her with the other. She bit back a groan. He was the last person she wanted to see, but at least he still made an effort, unlike Jamie.
For the past three days Kayla had kept an eye on the front of the restaurant, hoping Jamie would come for breakfast or lunch while he was on duty at the firehouse. But he never appeared. In the evening she walked past the front window at least four times, hoping to catch a glimpse of him in his buggy.
If only Jamie would come to tell her he loved her. She’d had plenty of time to remind herself how rough his life had been since his mother’s death. She knew how responsible he felt about the farm and his duty as a first responder. She had also reconsidered his stopping to help the child in the car accident. Of course that’s what Simeon would have done.
But she still wasn’t sure if Jamie loved her. If only he would fight for their relationship.
I’m pathetic. Jamie never said he loved me. He only said he cared about me. Caring for someone is not the same as loving someone.
She gritted her teeth against the bitter disappointment rising in her throat.
Eva touched her arm. “Are you all right?”
“Ya, I’m fine.” Kayla lifted her chin. “I’ll seat him.” She marched toward the front of the restaurant. Abram was smiling at her. “Gude mariye. Table for one?”
“Ya.” His grin seemed huge. “Unless you can take a break and eat breakfast with me.”
“I’m sorry, but the restaurant is too busy right now.” She lifted a menu. “Follow me, please.”
“How have you been?” His voice was near her ear, and she fought the urge to swat him away. “Did you work things out with Jamie?”
Kayla cringed at the mention of Jamie’s name. “We haven’t had a chance to talk again.” Lying was a sin, but her situation with Jamie was too painful and too personal to share. They reached a table not far from the front door, and she handed him the menu. “Here you go. The breakfast specials are on page two. Would you like some kaffi?”
He took her hand in his. “Would you join my family and me for supper tonight? I’d love for you to come.”
“No, I-I don’t think so.” Why was he holding on to her hand? She was about to pull it away when the bell on the door rang, announcing the arrival of another customer. She glanced up and found Jamie standing in the doorway, staring at them. She gasped and yanked her hand from Abram’s grasp. “Jamie,” she whispered.
“What?” Abram spun, his eyes narrowing as he followed her line of sight.
Jamie’s face contorted into a deep scowl and he backed out the door.
Panic surged through Kayla’s veins. I have to stop him!
“Eva!” she shouted.
All the conversations around the restaurant stopped, and Kayla felt every set of eyes burning through her as heat crept up her neck.
Eva turned toward her. “What?”
“Please take care of the front. I’ll be right back.” Before Eva could respond, she bolted across the dining room and out the door.
When she hit the sidewalk, she spotted Jamie walking quickly toward the firehouse. Her pulse stampeded through her veins.
She had to stop him. She needed to know why he came. She couldn’t let him leave. She still loved him.
“Jamie!” Kayla shouted as she held on to her apron and ran after him. “Jamie, please wait!”
Caustic jealousy burned in Jamie’s blood. He heard Kayla calling to him, but he kept walking despite her pleading. She told him she didn’t care about Abram. But if that was true, then why was she holding his hand? He saw it now. She’d used him to get Abram back. She’d lied to him. She’d played him like a board game, using tears to string him along until she got what she wanted. She never really cared about him. She’d fooled everyone, including her family.
“So I guess it’s really over then, huh?” she yelled.
He stilled and spun toward her, his chest heaving with fury, unconcerned that any passersby would hear. “You mean it wasn’t really over when you slammed your door in my face the other night? Was that just another one of your games?”
“One of my games?” She blanched as if he’d struck her. “What does that mean?”
“Ya, your games.” He walked toward her, stopping a foot in front of her. “I thought I’d ask you to give me one last chance. Nathan came to see me yesterday and said you were miserable without me.” He gestured toward the restaurant. “But I see you’re already cozying up with Abram. So much for just being his freind.”
Her blonde eyebrows drew together. “Nathan came to see you?”
“Ya, he came to the firehouse yesterday and said you’ve been crying yourself to sleep at night. He believes we belong together, but it’s obvious you’ve already replaced me. I’m sure that’s what you wanted all along.”
She folded her arms across her chest and gave him a haughty sneer. “At least Abram keeps his promises.”
“Is that so?” He glared at her as his body shook with betrayal and anger. “If he’s so trustworthy, why did he break up with you when you needed him?” He paused, unable to stop a wry smile from overtaking his lips. “Oh, wait a minute—that’s exactly what you did to me too. You dumped me even though I’ve been struggling after losing mei mamm.”
Her mouth worked, but no words came out.
“Good-bye, Kayla. I have to get back to the station.” He turned and hurried away.
“Fine, then!” she yelled after him. “Just go back to the firehouse. After all, that’s your true love.”
He stalked to where his driver waited. He’d delayed his ride home so he could try to talk
to Kayla one last time. He’d contemplated Noah’s advice most of last night and decided to try pleading with her and speaking honestly from his heart. He was even going to tell her he loved her. But when he saw her holding Abram’s hand, something inside shattered. Jealousy, hurt, and fury consumed him, and he couldn’t think straight.
It was time for Jamie to give up on Kayla. There was nothing left for him to do. She’d made her choice, and now he had to live with it.
But how could he move on when he loved Kayla so deeply his heart ached for her?
TWENTY-EIGHT
Anger clung to Jamie like a second skin as he climbed from the van and marched up the back-porch steps. He’d spent the ride home staring out the windshield and contemplating how he was going to move on with his life without Kayla in it.
When he reached the top step, his sisters, who were hanging out the laundry, both turned toward him.
“You’re home late. I saved breakfast for you. It’s in the oven.” Laura’s smile faded. “You look upset. Did something happen while you were on duty?”
“Gude mariye.” He waved her off and started toward the house. He was too exhausted to rehash what happened.
“Jamie!” Cindy scampered after him. “Wait. Tell us what’s wrong. You look haggard.”
“I am haggard, and I’m heartbroken.” He blew out a deep breath through his nose. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Is it Kayla?” Laura walked up behind Cindy. “Did you try to talk to her again?”
He gave up and collapsed into one of the rocking chairs on the porch. “Ya, I did.” He told them about Nathan’s coming to the firehouse yesterday, and then his conversation with Noah. “Noah convinced me to give it one more try, so I did this morning. But I was too late. She was holding hands with her ex-boyfriend in the restaurant. I feel like a complete idiot.”
“Oh, no.” Cindy cupped her hand to her mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
Laura shook her head, her expression puzzled. “That doesn’t sound like Kayla.”
“It may not sound like her, but it’s the truth. When I asked her if she was seeing him, she said at least he keeps his promises. That sounds to me like she’s gone back to him.” The words tasted bitter on his lips.